Simple Blessings

A Good Night’s Sleep: A Blessing in Itself

Last night, I was able to sleep in my bed for the first time in weeks! After pain drove me to the couch where my left arm and shoulder could be supported, my efforts and self-sacrifice were rewarded. Though I’m far from pain-free, and am still looking forward to physical therapy starting in a couple weeks, it was still a huge step forward, and one both me and my cats appreciate.

Artemis was the first to realize things were going back to normal, as she sat on the night stand watching me pull the pillows off the bed. As soon as I settled, she was on top of me, nestling in and purring like a motor boat, sending her healing energy flowing into my shoulder and arm. Fortunately for both of us, I didn’t even need to shift and roll over a few minutes in, but fell asleep to her sweet purr in my ear, and her warm body cuddling into my arm.

Although Max’s stress level and skittishness are still on the high side, he was happy to follow me down the hall where he curled up in his usual spot at the foot of my bed, while Lazarus and Ishtar moved back to their side of the bed. Scrappy Doo and Pyewacket, the old timers of the bunch, maintained a “wait and see” attitude, remaining in the living room in case I ended up wandering back to the couch if the bed didn’t quite work for me yet. Sadly for them, they were disappointed, as I got the best night’s sleep I’ve had since I was forced to move to the couch.

Resuming Joyful Routines

Being able to sleep comfortably in my bed, surrounded by my fur kids also meant I woke at the usual time instead of sleeping until 9:30 or 10, so my demanding little darlings didn’t have to wait as long for breakfast. Seeing my eyelids crack, Lazarus was back on the night stand with his “where the heck is my breakfast?” stare, daring me to even try going back to sleep. I think we’re all extremely grateful to be back to our normal routine. Change is nice when it has some benefit. The one I’ve had to implement for the last few weeks definitely falls short of that requirement.

There’s a certain comfort in routine, whether it’s bedtime rituals, performing chores on the same day each week, or seeing the same people walking around the neighborhood every day. Only when those routines are done because you have to rather than you want to, and fail to allow you to progress, do they lead to stagnation, and the ruts I dread far more than any change which might come about. Whether the change is due to my own actions, or the Universe kicking my butt out of a rut, it beats slogging through life, mindlessly following a routine that’s long-since failed to serve me or bring me joy.

When going dancing on Thursday nights became something I had to do rather than something I got to do, I realized even something which usually brought me joy had become more of a rut; more of a duty than a pleasure. Allowing myself to decide whether I wanted to go or not without self-recrimination meant first letting go of expectations I’d held onto for far too long. It also meant withdrawing my trust and loyalty to any instructor or venue, and allowing myself to heal from the pain brought on by disappointment and disillusionment.

Revising and Releasing Expectations

Granted, my own unrequited expectations, and failure to accurately read the room contributed in great part to the pain. Being left alone to struggle through post-surgery challenges while others were lauded, and applauded for their strength and courage, and given bucket loads of moral support (not to mention, being expected to contribute to those buckets) opened my eyes wide to how little my feelings were recognized or regarded.

As I stood back and removed my rose-colored glasses, I mourned the joy of dancing which had slowly dissolved while my attention was focused on healing, both physically and emotionally, away from the community I’d mistakenly believed would be there to support me. I had to admit, I’d given my last f*&k to them. While I might still go dancing, and might even encounter some of those I’d thought cared on occasion, I knew I could stand on my own with the support of a handful of people who were not part of the dance community.

My latest round of herniated discs/pinched nerve/pain in my left arm and shoulder have been met, not by reaching out into what I’ve learned is a void, but by reaching in; stretching and icing every day, maintaining my current exercise routine, and most of all, avoiding dwelling on what I couldn’t do, and focusing on what I could, and what made me feel better.

Knowing I Have the Power to Heal Myself

Though my first physical therapy appointment is still 2 weeks away, I’m feeling much better. I haven’t allowed the pain and numbness to slow me down or consume me. I knew what I needed to do, and paid attention to the things that made me feel better. I even de-furred the furniture last week, which is an ambitious effort under the best of circumstances, and discovered it actually loosened up my neck even more instead of making things worse.

I know now, a huge part of it has been avoiding going where I’d be forced to pretend the pain wasn’t there, and be falsely happy and social when all I really wanted to do was curl up with my ice pack, SalonPas, and healing kitties. Yet when I get out and walk, or do my volunteer hours at the animal rescue, I always come back feeling less pain; less discomfort; and most of all, connected instead of detached.

A lot of things in my life have changed in the last 6 months or so. Some may have seemed for the worst at the time, but I’ve learned sometimes you have to tear things down before you can re-build on fresh ground, with stronger, more resilient materials. Most of all, I’ve been given so many opportunities to recognize and appreciate all the small, but significant blessings in my life.

Grateful for Simple Blessings

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for being able to get a restful, easy night of sleep in my bed.
2. I’m grateful for all the things I either blew up myself, or were blown up for me in the last year or so.
3. I’m grateful for discovering who and what would support me, no matter what.
4. I’m grateful for giving myself the choice of whether or not to dance, and when I do go, I now go with no other expectations except allowing myself to have a good time.
5. I’m grateful for all the previously hidden blessings in my life which showed up when I removed the rose-colored glasses, and efforts to fit in where I wasn’t ever meant to.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.

Writing Through Another Rut

Writing Out My Frustration

In the interest of writing more often, I’m starting this post though I have little wisdom to impart on this cloudy day. It seems my mind is equally cloudy, my focus on getting a few chores done and attempting to trim my cats’ nails. So far, I’ve managed to trim all the nails on Pyewacket’s front paws so he got treats. Lazarus made it through all but the dew claw on one paw, so he’s treat adjacent. Ishtar fought like mad so I’ll need to get my friend to help while I hold her. She requires at least 3 hands! As for the rest, we’ll see if I can wrangle them with help as well.

I’ve been putting off vacuuming the sofas as I wanted to trim nails while they weren’t traumatized, but I may have to put the vacuuming first so I can protect the sofas. The cats were especially bad last night, though I’m pretty sure it had something to do with their being low on dry food. Funny how priorities change as events beyond my immediate control unfold.

Life is a lot like my ongoing battle with cats, claws, and sofas. Sometimes, the plans you make work well the first time around, but more often than not, you have to stop, step back, regroup, rethink the plan, and move forward with the revised plan…repeat as many times as necessary to reach your goal. Of course, many times, the goal has changed by the time you get a workable plan, which, as you’d expect, requires more plan revisions.

Trial and Error Approach to Life’s Ruts

I don’t see this trial-and-error process as a bad thing. Each trial is the result of something we learned from earlier ones. Even when the goal moves, it’s because we learned something in trying to reach the original goal which caused us to revise what we wanted to achieve. The beauty of life is we get to update our plans and goals as often as we want, and as long as we’re revising, we’re learning things. It’s only when you either give up on a goal, or worse, settle, that you curtail the learning process.

I’ve mentioned a time or two my biggest fear is stagnation. Getting stuck in one spot for too long makes me twitchy, and if not given a goal or a plan to revise and re-try, I’m liable to start self-sabotaging simply to make things change. Not an optimal place to be, I assure you. I’ve thrown myself back dozens of paces when I either felt I had no control over plan or goal (which is never the case if you accept the fact there are times progress will be smaller), or got frustrated by minuscule progress.

If I feel like I’ve fallen into a rut, I may wallow in it for a few days (more if I feel obligated to stay for one reason or another), but eventually, I’ll bust myself out one way or another. After decades of shooting myself in the foot, I’ve finally come to recognize when I’m frustrated due to lack of progress. Catching the problem sooner rather than later means I can formulate a plan for climbing out of the latest rut instead of blowing up the whole building. In some cases, I wish I’d learned this sooner, but I also see, in the grand scheme of things, blowing things up was necessary, if painful, at the time.

Change vs. Stagnation

Sure, I’m still change-averse in some areas of my life. I’ve lived in the same house for over 40 years. It needs some work, but even that is hard to wrap my head around, and actually invest time and money into making happen. Granted, there are areas I could change with either more knowledge, or some assistance. I’m becoming more open to both, but am still working on finding a direction I can commit to.

Committing is another area where I’ve struggled over the years. I’m fine as long as my various needs are met, but once I feel stuck, I tend to require a solution which gives me, if not immediate results, measurable, consistent ones. Otherwise, I revert to old coping mechanisms, and yes…blow something up. The trouble is, once I begin to self-sabotage, I’m like a fast-moving train on a track heading down a steep mountain with malfunctioning brakes. Looking back over the last year or two, I see a few instances where I’d had enough of doing the same things, and getting the same results, and blew up a few friendships (albeit, in hindsight, dubious ones), a job, and even some healthy habits I’ve since reinstated.

Admittedly, everything I’ve blown up actually needed, if not to be blown up, at least to have me moving away, and moving on. I’m beginning to believe I thrive on the spectacular, given how many explosions I’ve set off in my life…especially recently. I may claim to want a peaceful, quiet, drama-free life, but my actions belie my words over and over again.

Reverting to Peace and Quiet

Yet once the dust clears from my latest conflagration, I once again settle into that peaceful, quiet, drama-free life I profess to crave…until boredom sets in again. I’m honestly not sure if I’m my own worst enemy, or best friend, given the roller coaster ride of a life I seem to perpetuate. I am beginning to realize when I find myself following something or someone “everyone” loves, a little voice inside me starts whispering words of discontent in my ear.  I’m seldom content being a follower over the long-term. I don’t need to be the leader or influencer. I just need to be my own, unique, often lone-wolfish person. Is that too much to ask?

At the moment, I’m an outsider wherever I go…a recognized one, but belonging nowhere; with no one. I know it’s a temporary state, but in its own way, it’s another rut, and one I’ve put myself into. I don’t want to go back to where I was, in any of the scenarios I’ve left, but I’m not yet sure where I do want to go, and so, I flounder.

I suspect the road ahead is covered in fog for a reason, though I’ve yet to fathom what it might be. I also know it will start clearing once I’ve learned what I need to to go on, or changed what needs to be changed in order to attract what I need to attract in so I can set a new goal, and begin making plans to reach it. Until then, I’m writing more regularly, and who knows? That might be part of the new plan. I’m also spending more time on self-care which is helping minimize the pain from my herniated discs until I can start PT. That’s never a bad thing, if you ask me.

I do know the Universe always has my back, and a plan. Fighting it is futile, and exhausting. For now, I’m imagining myself in a rowboat, lying back and staring at the sky as I drift effortlessly downstream. I’ll know what it’s time to sit up, grab the oars, and put some effort into my velocity and direction…but the time isn’t quite here yet.

Grateful for Whatever Path I’m On

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning to trust the Universe implicitly.
2. I’m grateful for all the structures and strictures I’ve exploded spectacularly.
3. I’m grateful for being goal-less at the moment. It means I can head off in any direction I want.
4. I’m grateful for the wheels that are turning; moving me to the place from which I’ll be embarking on my next adventure.
5. I’m grateful for my writing which keeps me relatively sane when I’m directionless.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.

Finding the Courage to Not Belong

To Belong is Grossly Overrated

Until recently, I expended a lot of effort on trying to belong. In hindsight, I was beating my head against a brick wall encompassing something which, once I removed the rose-colored glasses, wasn’t something I wanted at all. Yet in my mind, gaining access to the walled off enclosure would mean I belonged. Never mind, I’ve learned it’s no longer a place I even want to belong. It wasn’t about the place at all, but the feeling of belonging I sought.

Though the longing remains, I’ve finally shaken off the desperation, and worse, the willingness to settle for something which was an ill fit at best. What’s even more surprising is I haven’t missed the regular, Thursday night dances at all. In fact, I’ve enjoyed the freedom of having my days unfold according to my own wishes, rather than someone else’s timing. The same is true of the ballet classes I no longer attend. In fact, it’s hard to believe I gave up both before Thanksgiving!

Clearly, neither was fulfilling its original purpose any more, and both were becoming a chore to even attend in the first place. In fact, my daily walks were, and are bringing me more joy at the moment unless, like Saturday, I get to see one of my real friends, and share a bit of the evening. It was also interesting to see how many others have gone in different directions, choosing not to follow the crowd, as it were. In talking to one of the women I know, we found we shared an interest in checking out a newer event next Saturday. Sure, it’s more of a drive, but I’m getting into the habit of driving more again, even if most of my driving is connected with the animal rescue right now.

Finding the Courage to Leave the Dusty Comfort Zone

Even so, I’ve put less than 2,000 miles on the car I bought in September. It’ll be fun to take it through the canyons leading to the event next weekend, not to mention getting to dance with some people I haven’t seen in awhile, because our dance adventures were taking us in different directions. Having finally shed my desperation to belong, no matter what it cost me otherwise, I can go and enjoy the evening without expectations other than a good night of dancing.

Meanwhile, I finally received Power Path’s January forecast tonight. After reading through it, I was surprised how closely it’s focusing on some of the decisions and choices I’ve made lately. Each month, they have a focus word or phrase. This month, it’s “Courage” which they explain as:

These are just some of the areas where you may need courage:

• To face hard truths.

• To make hard decisions and stick to them.

• To start something new that is out of your comfort level.

• To face your fears.

• To end or release something that you are attached to.

• To take responsibility for your health, actions, and personal well-being.

• To change negative patterns.

• To be patient, to wait, to trust right path and right timing.

To my surprise and delight, each and every one of these is something I’ve given renewed focus to in the last month or so. Clearly, I’m not the only one feeling the need to make some tough choices and decisions in support of my own health and well-being. I look forward to these monthly forecast because more often than not, they are spot on when it comes to what’s going on in my life…and these days, in my writing as well.

Making Changes, and Taking them in Stride

For awhile now, I’ve been extremely conscious of changes in the air; of new directions coming into my life; of needing to leave some things behind as they’ve outlived their usefulness. While some are simply unhealthy habits I’d slid back into, more of it is things which became part of my way of life for a number of years. It took a few Universal head slaps to make me see I’d outgrown some things (and people too) I truly believed would be part of my forever.

You’d think by now I’d know very little, if anything is forever, but in a change-filled world, having a couple of constants to cling to while the storm outside rages is comforting, despite the lack of substance they actually brought to my life. Though I’m not as change-averse as many, I do like to know there are at least a couple of things I can count on.

Still, it took me basically blowing up my own life for me to realize who the people are who are my constants. It makes me a little sad to realize though I did meet a couple of them through dancing, they, themselves have long since detached from the dance community, to pursue other people, places, and activities. I may be a little late to the party, but am on my way to doing the same.

Comfortable Being Alone in a Crowd

Though I have decided to go on the April line dance cruise as planned, I’ve changed my point of view. I’m going as part of the group, but as a solo traveler too. I’m looking at different options for lunches, possible spa purchases, shore excursions in Catalina, and most of all, dancing only when I want to instead of because it’s on the schedule. While I still may attend all 4 dance sessions, I doubt I’ll be there for the full 8 hours as I have been in the past…or tried to. This time, it’s all about showing myself a good time with little to no concern about being included in any group activities.

One of the things I’ve been working on changing is my outlook on inclusion with regards to myself. I realized what I truly want and need is inclusion on my own terms. Walking away the way I have made me realize I can have it any time I set my mind to it. Inclusion isn’t about other people accepting me. It’s about accepting myself the way I am. If I’m not feeling the love where I’m at, there are plenty of other places I can go. Trying to make myself fit somewhere I don’t necessarily belong is, and always will be a losing proposition. In the end, I always end up feeling like I’m on the outside looking in.

I’m adopting the concept of Courage for the month of January, and perhaps beyond. In particular, I’m embracing the courage to go forth on my own, expecting nothing, and appreciating everything.

An Abundance of Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning I’m better off traveling alone for awhile than traveling with the wrong companions.
2. I’m grateful for remembering to shed any desperation I might harbor around belonging.
3. I’m grateful for beginning to see through the fog I’d created to the people to whom I do matter…just the way I am.
4. I’m grateful for the continued encouragement to write every day. It’s like seeing my therapist often enough to keep the imposter syndrome at bay, and to keep working on my feelings of self-worth.
5. I’m grateful for the many blessings I’ve been uncovering as I spend more time away from “the madding crowd”.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful.

One Intention for 2025: Be More Like Max

Finding Intention By Way of the Cat

When I was finally able to corral Max and take him to the vet for his latest wounds which didn’t seem to be healing, my biggest concern, after his recovery, of course, was how to keep him from getting injured again. The local bully I’ve named “Mr. Grey” seems to have a single goal in mind: to get Max out of his way so he can move into his territory. This wasn’t the first time he’d left Max all bloody and battered, but it was the first time the wounds weren’t healing.

As it turns out, I needn’t have worried. When I first released him from his private hospital room (aka my guest room) still wearing the cone of shame, he wandered timidly around the house, finally settling on the love seat where he could spread himself across its entirety in regal comfort. From there, he watched the other cats perform their daily rituals from a safe distance.

As time went on, he ventured further afield, even sleeping on my bed for a couple of nights before returning to his haven. Then came the days when he’d wander around yowling, leaving me wondering if he was ready to return to the wild. But when I’d open a door, hoping against hope it wasn’t what he wanted, he’d either turn his back or run the other way.

Following Max’s Wise Example

Now that we’ve ascertained he’s decided against returning to the world of a barn cat, he’s solidifying his decision by investigating all the warm, soft, comfy spots in my house. His return to my bed at night led to showing a preference for my body pillow, especially when covered with a fleece blanket. Small wonder he now cranks his warm, deep, lovely purr up to full volume every time I come near him, and leans into every pet as if the touch of my hand is pure ecstasy.

What I’m leading up to in my usual, long-winded way is, I’m setting an intention to be more like Max; finding pleasure in the simple things like a soft pillow, a warm blanket, and simple, uncomplicated love, and most of all, adapting when his world went completely sideways. My warm, wonderful, adoring ginger has made me see what I’ve been missing in his own, unique way; it’s not about having a horde of adoring fans (not that I aspired to anyway), or a posse I called upon every week to entertain, amuse, and support me. Instead, it’s about finding my own comfort; my own safe spot; my own self-love, and allowing the rest of the world to go on around me, interacting when, and if it felt right on both sides.

Comfort in Being Alone

Despite my moments of blindness, I’ve never been alone. There have always been a couple of people who touch base, even if it’s just a text to let me know they’re there when I need them, and I’m never physically alone because my cats are always in attendance. No matter which room I’m in, or what I might be doing, there are at least a couple of them hanging out, or checking in; climbing into my lap, or shoving their noses into my hand for a pet.

Some might see this as a sad, lonely existence, but the truth is, I have never needed or wanted a lot of people in my life. Too many people means too many expectations, and too little opportunity to be my own, quirky, complicated self. It means I fall into the trap of trying to fit in where I don’t belong in the first place beyond the surface level of shared experiences, and common location. It means I forget it’s OK to be alone in a crowd some of the time.

2025 will be my year of learning to find comfort in being alone; in having a minimal social life at times; in spreading my wings and trying new things; in letting my world change as much as it needs to, and adapting to those changes joyfully; and most of all, in re-discovering the passion I’ve lost lately for simply moving wherever the music takes me.

Grateful for Examples, Wherever They Come From

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for Max who not only stopped me from worrying by becoming comfortable as an indoor cat, but is showing me the simpler things in life.
2. I’m grateful for the friends who have been there for me all along.
3. I’m grateful for being able to give myself time to find the happy place I lost last year.
4. I’m grateful for returning to simplicity in a life which became too complicated for my taste.
5. I’m grateful for being OK with being a loner when the crowd I’m in isn’t a good fit.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Rebuilding Social Tolerance

Social Tolerance Needs Exercise

Despite it being a lighter than normal night, and an outdoor venue, I found a two week lag between dance events left me completely exhausted and drained after only a couple of hours. Though the company was pleasant and undemanding, and stress levels at a minimum, being in a social environment filled with a myriad of emotional currents takes a lot out of me. Not unlike physical stamina, emotional stamina wanes from lack of exercise.

Interestingly, spending 3 hours with staff and other volunteers at Eastwood Ranch Foundation, even when some share bits of their own perfectly imperfect lives doesn’t have the same effect. Granted, there are less people, and the unconditional love and affection from the cats and dogs is like the release valve on a pressure cooker; licked or purred away before it can even build up to what would normally be manageable levels.

It used to be that a shared love of dance was enough to keep me from absorbing a lot of heavy emotional energy. Now, I need that mutual love and commitment to the welfare of animals instead. In some ways, going dancing, sad to say, has become somewhat stressful for me. I only hope I regain my balance, and come to enjoy it as much as I used to…in time.

Embracing Change and New Opportunities

It did help to learn I would be made welcome at events I’d yet to visit, where I knew other dance acquaintances had been dancing. I’m looking forward to learning a different selection of dances, often brought back from the larger gatherings in Las Vegas and Palm Springs. If nothing else, it gives me a chance to broaden my horizons, and, with any luck, nail down a dance I sort of learned a couple of weeks ago, Bringin’ the Wow.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve gotten into a rut of sorts; dancing the same dances; going to the same places; seeing the same people. Had I not begun feeling disconnected lately (which was recently explained, albeit indirectly), I doubt I’d have reached a point where my enthusiasm or energy slipped away like this. I do believe, however, everything happens for a reason so my current disenchantment, while disturbing, is opening doors for new experiences. I don’t know what they are right now, other than changing a venue, but I have to trust they’ll be in my best interests, and will bring me the same or higher level of joy in due time.

I have to admit, my life has gotten pretty predictable over the last decade or so, and frankly, my contrary, change-loving heart has been itching for a shake-up. Both the discomfort and the lower levels of joy should have been enough warning that I needed a change. Whether or not I initiated it myself wouldn’t impact the fact it was going to happen. As often does, the Universe took matters into its own hands when it became clear I was willing to sit back and coast for awhile longer.

A New Road; A New Mode of Travel

As often happens, when I lingered too long, the Universe calmly, but emphatically knocked me off that particular horse, then slapped it on the rump so it took off for home before I could attempt to remount. For all I know right now, it might even be readying the promised dragon as my next mode of conveyance. Invariably, I also get a highlights reel showing me exactly when I should have moved on of my own volition instead of waiting until my discomfort level was pegging the meter.

To come back around to the original topic, it seems my discomfort level last night could easily have been predicted. It doesn’t come down simply to one person, or group of people because they’re interwoven into a complete package which, however splintered we’ve become since November 2018, it’s all still pieces of one, semi-cohesive whole around which I’ve built my entire social life for too long. Much like my marriage which lingered overlong, I suspect onlookers knew it was time to mix things up, or even, break a few things off long before I, myself admitted the truth, much less, took action.

I’m not saying I’ll be leaving the entire dance community behind any time soon. I’ll just start being more selective, and maybe even traveling further afield than has been my wont, in an effort to keep the pleasure center which is dancing alive and well in my heart and mind.

Grateful for What I Have, and Whatever is Headed My Way

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for hitting a low point, ennui-wise, so I have to start looking for other ways to spend my ample free time.
2. I’m grateful for breaking free of certain commitments, thereby enabling me to start dabbling in new and different things.
3. I’m grateful for opportunities to inspire my change-loving soul.
4. I’m grateful for the new people crossing my path, and offering new opportunities.
5. I’m grateful for new ways to live a happy, busy, productive life.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Adapting to Live Outside the Box

A Box is Only Temporary Shelter

For decades, my social life was defined; in fact, began and ended with where I was dancing on a given night. It has undergone a series of upheavals since one, fateful night in 2018. The initial volcanic-like eruption which shattered the worlds of many was exacerbated by wild fires, the COVID shut down, and finally, a greedy landlord. Still, the community endured, dragging me willingly along for the ride.

Different people stood ready to lead the Borderline family to new dance venues, putting time, effort, and heart into ensuring we gathered as community to do what we all loved. Yet there were cracks in the foundation of the community, growing ever wider with each upheaval; each passing year without a permanent home.  For awhile I ignored them; closing my ears to dissenting comments from various members of the original community towards each other…until some of it began affecting me directly.

Isn’t that always the way though? I’m not proud of myself for realizing I didn’t pay attention when I felt like I was included somewhere, quick to defend those who were verbally maligned behind their backs. Only when it became personal did I start noticing the smiling faces were often masks which were beginning to wear thin and brittle from overuse. Doing so is embedded in our collective history, and sadly, repeats over and over still.

Grabbing Life’s Reins

Better late than never, I recognize the facade; the false god, even, I’ve been worshiping for too long, and realize we’re all just humans doing the best we can with what we have. For me, it’s time to stop following mindlessly, and start forging my own path again.

I understand the need for these periodic upheavals as I continue to learn, grow, and evolve. Some are more cataclysmic; more life-changing than others. So it seems to be with my latest evolution. The world which was the center of my social self is becoming less important and all-encompassing. I’m opening myself to a new, as yet undefined set of experiences.

It’s an oft-repeated pattern in my life whether it’s been a job, a relationship, or some other ill-fitting way of life I’ve settled into rather than subject myself to yet another birth canal of change, until something happens to force my hand, and kick me out of the womb, as it were. The current case is a little different, as I could have continued on, unsatisfied but settling. It was I who finally shouted “Enough!” and took steps to remove myself from a situation which was extremely one-sided, and did NOT favor me.

Relatability is Key to Healthy Relationships

Granted, I had the audacity to believe I deserved more than I was receiving, and worse, compared myself to others (a huge no-no in my book) as far as how I was being treated. Taking a dozen or so steps back helped me see I was expecting what others were incapable of giving in the first place, and in the second, had no point of reference for understanding the kind of person I am, even had they wanted to. At best, we’re a poor fit for each other. The only reason I have even an inkling of the people they are is because I have reference points from my past relationships to use as touchstones.

Those touchstones, however, are people I never truly understood, and learned early on I wasn’t meant to relate to. Why I didn’t see the flashing neon signs this time can only be explained by my need to continue healing old relationships which ended badly, and continue to affect my ability to relate to certain people.

Nevertheless, the fact remains, it’s time for me to mix things up; to move on to something new, different, and challenging in a positive manner. I’d become as comfy as a pig in mud, but unlike the pig, I was far from happy. Now, I get the chance to change that, even if it means upending my social life, perspective, and point of view in order to navigate the necessary changes.

New Possibilities Abound

Ordinarily, I’d say this isn’t the first time I’ve journeyed alone for awhile, but the interesting thing is, I’m less alone now than I was even a couple of weeks ago. It’s not that people have suddenly appeared, but more that I’ve opened my eyes to some who’ve been there patiently waiting for me to get my head out of my tush. They noticed I’d been going through the motions for awhile, but needed to get miserable enough with it to finally cut a few cords, and open my eyes to the new possibilities gathering at the edges of my comfort zone.

Even so, a very telling conversation initially had me believing another person, and ignoring my own perceptions. Fortunately, I’m a processor. I left the conversation feeling somewhat bruised and battered to come home and mull the whole thing over in my head. I learned from dissecting the conversation I was, once again, being played, and had been for a long time. Though it meant giving up, or at least re-directing some of the things I loved, I had to see the love was faltering, not because the activity had changed, but because I was, as the song goes, looking for love in all the wrong places. I knew the time had come to find my passion in other places, with different partners in crime.

Thus, I’ve begun a difficult and painful, but ultimately necessary process which will disengage me from a compartment in a box that’s been itching and chafing for too long. It may take a few tries to restructure my social life into something uplifting and character building, but out of the rubble I made when I shattered those walls, are some good, solid pieces upon which to erect my stronger, healthier, happier foundation.

Grateful for Eye Opening Experiences

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the upheavals which send my life in new, different directions, while sometimes leaving me quaking in my boots for a little while.
2. I’m grateful for the people who were there when I finally opened my eyes and saw things without blinders or tinted lenses.
3. I’m grateful for the ability to walk alone for a little while until I find the ones who take me as I am, and let me see their own perfectly imperfect selves.
4. I’m grateful for a continued flood of writing which has me spewing words on the page like there’s no tomorrow. May it continue without interruption this time.
5. I’m grateful for all the wonderful possibilities opening up in front of me since I stopped clutching what doesn’t fit to my breast like a lifeline.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

When the Comfort Zone Gets Uncomfortable

Face Change Fearlessly

Let’s face it. We’ve all done it; stayed too long at the party because leaving meant change, and change is scary. This time around, I’ve hung out for months knowing something had changed, and I’d worn out my welcome, but I stayed because old habits die hard; because leaving meant changing a lot of things I’d been doing, so I clung to my comfort zone like a lifeline. I finally realized it wasn’t a lifeline at all, but a crutch at best, and shackles at worst. It got to the point where letting go was the only option I had in order to put myself first.

So here I am, outside my comfort zone, and frankly, outside looking in on a community to which I no longer belong. I have plans to replace what I’m leaving, but putting them into practice is going to take effort and determination. Though I’m good with change in some areas of my life, it’s a struggle in others. Still, I feel lighter for having made the decision, even when I don’t know what the future holds as a result. My stress level has definitely dropped a few hundred points since making the decision though. That, alone is worth the discomfort of impending change.

For now, I’ll continue as I have been the last couple of weeks, writing more, and limiting my time on Social Media. With the changes in plans, I no longer need to have everyone’s events shoved in my face whenever I log on. I can be more selective, and check in only when I need information, or am looking to fill a particular night I know offers multiple choices. Meanwhile, I’m catching up on Hallmark Christmas movies, and giving my cats almost as much cuddling as they think they need.

The Color of Happiness

Some people need mood rings to help them (and perhaps the rest of the world) determine how they’re feeling on any given day. For me, my mood is clear to anyone paying attention by the colors I choose to wear. For a couple of weeks, I was drawn to the darker, more somber members of my wardrobe (which is tough as I don’t have a lot of them!).

At first, I blamed it on my response to the election, but now that I’ve returned to my hot pinks and neon oranges, I realize it was far more, and had been building for the last few months. As soon as I made the decision to step away from what had become too comfortable in some ways, and constricting in others, my mood lightened, and my rainbow bedecked self came shining through. It turned out, I’d been stifling my inner light like I was eschewing my gaudier garb of choice.

The happiness bubbling through my body as I remove things from my schedule which no longer fit; no longer serve my best interests, to replace them with people, places, and things which, worst case, will be neutral for awhile. The simple act of removing myself from uncomfortable, unwelcoming situations is incredibly freeing. My heart knew things had changed, but my head didn’t want to believe it for awhile as it meant, or so I thought, giving up things I loved, and avoiding people whose company I enjoyed.

No Longer Part of a Collection

It wasn’t until I took a giant step back that I realized I was basing my choices on the one thing I’ve worked so hard to release in myself; facades. Funny. The song “Smiling Faces” has been running through my head a lot lately. I finally figured out why, as my intuition screaming at me didn’t seem to be enough until now.

Once again, I allowed myself to be manipulated, more by my human need to belong than anything else. I allowed myself to remain in orbit around a moon which collected orbs like me like jelly beans in an Easter basket; enjoyed in the collective but with little value for my individuality. That’s where the stifling began. The truth is, I’m not alone in needing to be valued for myself. Where I still wander in the dark is the places I erroneously believe I’ll find that. Why it took me so long to realize I was little more than an anonymous member of a fan club will puzzle me for a long time.

Puzzled or not, I’ve returned to my own rather erratic orbit. It might take some time to find my way back to a path going somewhere or other, but at least the path I’m on is my own again. My comfort zone is currently unrecognizable, but I’m willing to live with that too. I’d rather be rootless, where the only thing tethering me to a semblance of reality is my home, my cats, and my books, than held back by something or someone who finds me uncomfortably unrelatable.

I realized it’s perfectly OK for some to perceive me as a closed off, invulnerable, unfeeling loner. They’re not meant to see me as I really am, and maybe my heart knew they couldn’t handle my larger-than-life, messy, chaotic self anyway, and held back my essence when I didn’t know better than to do it myself. It’s nice to know there are protections in place to not only protect my heart; my light from a harsh world, but to protect me from giving too much of myself away to the wrong people.

Grateful for the Strength I’m Finding

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for finding the strength to leave a comfort zone that was no longer comfortable.
2. I’m grateful for the parts of me which are looking out when I’m wearing blinders.
3. I’m grateful for options, and for change, and for new opportunities.
4. I’m grateful for amazing, interesting, unexpected days ahead.
5. I’m grateful for a life outside my comfort zone.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

A Change of Vibe

Seeking a Better Vibe

This week, having grown tired of my Maroon 5 station on Pandora, I switched back to the more poignant, mellow strains of Simon and Garfunkel, and friends. It’s proven to be a choice both appropriate and timely.

Songs like “Sounds of Silence”, What’s Going on Here” and “Both Sides Now” reflect not only the downturn in my mood, but how it’s isolating me further and further every day. And yet, belting out a song along with Joni Mitchell, or some of my other 70’s era favorites is releasing a lot of the pressure I’ve allowed to build up over the last week, especially when I don’t get the words quite right, and end up giggling at my own lunacy.

Removing myself and my regular, uplifting and inspiring posts from social media has done more than proven what I already suspected: I’m nothing to others if I’m not being inspiring or uplifting. If I show up and sit in a corner by myself, few will cross the abyss to check in on me, and even less when my absence is virtual. Even though I can’t trust myself to be unselectively cordial, or even civil, every reminder of my now, almost complete isolation is both rude and painful. Frankly, I doubt I’ve recovered emotionally from the aftermath of my hysterectomy when I learned just how unimportant I am to the lives of what I now realize are merely acquaintances. I learned then I can count my friends on one hand and still have leftover fingers.

Maybe Alone Really is Better

They say “no man is an island” but I’m afraid “they” hadn’t met me when those words were penned. I may not be an island when it comes to love and attention from felines, and even the occasional canine. It’s humans I don’t relate well to, and of late, I’m less and less able, much less willing to relate, even on the limited basis I’d grown accustomed to.

Thankfully I have my work, both as a contractor and charitable. One keeps my mind busy and sharp, while the other is an emotional balm to my wounded, broken spirit. Spending 3 hours a week socializing some sweet, affectionate cats and kittens is an absolute joy for me, and I’m excited for each one who has found a home the next time I return. Deciding to volunteer was one of my wiser decisions of late, and I’m seriously considering adding more hours to my week.

It might sound like I’ve initiated another pity party, and perhaps, to some degree, I have. These are troubling times, and I, for one, am especially troubled. Even a trip to Costco was exhausting. People were completely oblivious to everyone and everything around them. I lost count of the number of times I almost had a collision, as people darted from one side of the aisle to the other without looking where they were going. I only hope they show a little more care when they get behind the wheel of their cars! So far, I’ve seen no evidence they have, and my own defensive driving is proving invaluable right now!

Whose Rights Really Matter Now?

It’s almost as if people now feel they have permission to be as inconsiderate, rude, and frankly, insufferable as they can possibly manage given what must be limited imaginations. After all, they bought into a pack of lies as big as one which had a naked emperor parading in front of subjects afraid to tell him the truth.

Have I lost faith in Humanity? Maybe only the ones who still call themselves “Americans”. Do I see things changing for the better any time soon? Not before they get a whole lot worse. Will I, for once in my life, detach well before I get sucked down into someone else’s rule book and agenda? You bet your sweet bippy I will. If I have to cut loose from all but that partial handful of people, and surround myself with cats to do it, so be it. The cats are always happy to see me!

So don’t go looking for me in all the usual places. I’ll more likely be found tooling down the road in my Just-try-and-ignore-me red SUV, singing along with my heroes of the 60s and 70s loud, off-key, and with my interpretation of the lyrics. I’ll either be on my way home to my own clowder who loves me, or off to visit with those who are waiting for their perfect home: with names like Emmy, Katniss, Xena, Blue, Smokey, Serafina, Sophia Loren, Audrey Hepburn, Taylor, and Gato knowing when I get where I’m going, I’ll be greeted with purrs, snuggles, and as much fur-love as I can handle.

I Still Believe in Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my new job as a volunteer for an animal rescue.
2. I’m grateful for my day job which only requires limited interaction with people, and that the people I do get to interact with are amazing.
3. I’m grateful for recognizing I’m in danger of being sucked into someone else’s idiocy so I can get the hell out of Dodge well ahead of the circus and the monkeys.
4. I’m grateful for the partial handful of friends who, whether they know it or not, are doing a great deal to keep me only slightly in the red zone on the insanity meter.
5. I’m grateful for a lifestyle which allows me to isolate when the world around me becomes to miserable to bear.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Autumn Musings

Autumn’s Chill is Upon Us

The frost is definitely on the pumpkin as temperatures are finally dropping, and a cold wind is wafting over the landscape. I have to admit, it’s been odd at times, though. I’d started taking a long-sleeved shirt with me on our nightly walks because I’d walked through a place, more than once, where the temperature suddenly dropped at least 10 degrees, leaving my normal hot-blooded self chilled to the bone. Though I’d have to remove the shirt about halfway through the walk, I’ve now progressed to a sweatshirt which remains on the whole time. I’ve even started swapping out my shorts for capri length exercise pants to keep my knees warm! That alone would shock most people who know me.

Ordinarily, I’d expect warmer; even hotter temperatures to return sooner rather than later, but something tells me, despite what I’ve dubbed our bi-polar weather, Summer’s grip on our lives has finally been blasted away by a frosty wind, giving way to cooler days, and colder nights. When faced with the choice of a night shirt or actual pajamas with pants, I had to admit it was time for the pajamas now. I’ve even begun spreading out a fleece blanket before I go to sleep knowing I’m going to wake chilled at some point, and be glad for the added warmth.

The cats sensed it before I did (I know. Duh!) and have been taking turns sleeping on top of me, or snuggling quite close. The warm, purring bundle I’m finding on top of me lately is, as often as not Ishtar the Chonk rather than Artemis the Wee. Pyewacket is back to sleeping on my head, while Lazarus favors the body pillow. Scrappy Doo, my creature of habit, continues to sleep half hanging off the foot of the bed. If nothing else, we’re all warm and cozy!

Spring isn’t the Only Season of Change

Oddly enough, my normally hot-blooded self seems to be feeling the cold more deeply lately. My usual 3-mile walk is no longer enough to keep my body warm all by itself. These days, I barely break a sweat. My inner heat pump is slowing down in my old age! Like an old bear, shorter days, and colder weather are driving me to, if not full on hibernation, a more solitary existence even than usual.

Interestingly, Autumn is not without changes for me. The afore-mentioned isolation has numerous causes and effects right now, not the least of which are a self-imposed distancing from Social Media, and a lot of introspection. The former leaves me with a lot of extra time on my hands, while both leave me with a propensity to share some of the insights I uncover in my sadly neglected blog. It does make sense that my blog gets more attention when I’m experiencing some kind of emotional upheaval. Creativity, be it writing, making art, or song writing seems to thrive on emotional chaos.

Soul Searching Goes into Overdrive

While the Earth and all her inhabitants are hunkering down or hibernating for the coming Winter, I’m searching my soul and psyche for answers I may or may not find; peeling away more layers of compacted emotions in the process. Writing is a huge part of my process, so it stands to reason, there will be an upswing in blog posts for awhile, at least insofar as I’m willing to share what I unearth.

Even after 15 years (gad! has it been that long?) of sharing my innermost thoughts, feelings, and struggles semi-publicly, there are still places where I know the wounds are too raw, and must still be kept to myself while I sort through, and release the associated feelings. In some ways, I think it’s more for the sake of my readers, as some of those feelings are not so much released, as spewed onto the page in all their frustrated, ugly, toxic glory. I see no reason to expose anyone else to the process when I hit one of those pockets in my journey.

At any rate, if you, too, find yourself with a little extra time on your hands, and are looking for something to take you away from your own troubles for a minute, I’m here for you for the foreseeable, Social Media-less future.

Fueling the Fire Within With Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the outlet I created (with a little help from my daughter) for the often messy healing process upon which I embarked 15 years ago.
2. I’m grateful for the choice I made (once again) to eschew Social Media for awhile, even if, this time, it’s coupled with a physical social distancing as well.
3. I’m grateful for continuing to peel away the layers even when I’m left a seeping, oozing, ugly mess for a little while afterwards.
4. I’m grateful for the small group of friends who understand my process, and check in now and then when they recognize the signs of another isolation period.
5. I’m grateful for learning there are more I need to distance myself from these days, and less I can safely allow to move closer. There are times in life when your healing journey requires a culling of humans.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Embarking on A New Journey

Time for a New Journey

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a left shoe in a room full of right feet in all my usual hangouts. Any connection I might have felt before seems to have been severed, leaving me there, and yet, outside an invisible barrier; participating, talking, and even laughing at times, but somehow, missing the actual joke. My journey is shifting to another plane; another dimension; another direction whether I’m on board with it or not. I actually felt more comfortable at a venue where the only familiar face was the DJ!

It’s not that anyone is deliberately excluding me, or making me feel like I’ve stepped outside and found the door locked behind me while I gaze longingly through the window at the happy, connected people. I’m just realizing I’m no longer content with being a moon circling someone else’s planet. I want, and need a planet where I’m a full and complete part of the community and culture even if I don’t really know what that feels like right now. The only thing I do know is I need to pick up my rucksack and get back on the road after a long, lonely hiatus.

Letting the Dreams Lead the Way

I’ve had dreams lately where I stopped going to the usual places where nearly everybody knows my name, instead opting to drive a little further to dance where I wasn’t known at all. I actually made the dream a reality last night, and though I sat out all the easy dances to save my ADD brain from making a fool of me, I did get to dance several of my favorites on an almost empty dance floor (5-10 other people max) for the first time in forever! Instead of playing off the energy of the other dancers, I got to simply be in my dancing; in my dance meditative state in a way I haven’t felt comfortable being in far too long.

Even crazier, I wasn’t the first one there, and stayed considerably later than I usually do these days. I only left by about 10 because I had a longer than usual drive on a canyon road which required my full attention to navigate safely, so I needed to be wide awake for the 30 minute or so drive home. Even that was a welcome change from the 10- or 15-minute hop down the freeway.

Wherever the Changes Lead

Changes are happening in my life more quickly than I’d anticipated. I’m loving the new blinds in my living room, kitchen, and bedroom, and the additional privacy they afford both by replacing broken ones, and installing actual window coverings in my kitchen for the first time since I bought this house in 1981! I’ve picked out a new sofa and loveseat, but am vacillating over spending a large chunk of change, even though I can easily afford it, and above all, know I deserve to spend the money on something that will make me, and me alone happy.

While the new car is warring with deciding whether to pay off the small first mortgage on my house now that it’s the only encumbrance left, I know by November, I’ll likely have done one, if not both. Several years ago, I started setting myself an annual intention to pay off the loans on the house. I may not have succeeded in prior years, but I kept setting the intention. This year, I’ve achieved half of that goal by paying off the HELOC, which was the larger of the two. Now, I know I need to let go of a weird kind of security blanket in the form of the first mortgage. In it’s own way, it’s a roadblock on the new journey which is unfolding.

I honestly don’t know where this new road will lead, or frankly, what it even looks like from my limited vantage point. I do know it’s necessary on many levels. It’s also exciting on some levels, and terrifying on others; or so my stomach (my emotional radar system) keeps telling me. I also know I need to start acting instead of procrastinating, or the Universe will take things into its own hands and simply shove me off the precipice. From past experience, I prefer to venture into the unknown under my own power, thankyouverymuch.

Grateful for the Universal Nudges

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for a night of dancing where nobody knew my name.
2. I’m grateful for my emotional safe person who encourages me to step into the unknown, and out of the places I feel safe, but unfulfilled.
3. I’m grateful for choices I’ve made recently to follow new paths which will enrich my life, and improve my skills.
4. I’m grateful for opportunities to view my life and my journey from different angles.
5. I’m grateful for my cats who have been unusually attentive the past few days; especially Mr. Pyewacket who must have seen me write the post saying he was my familiar, and my panther dragon. He’s doing his best to live up to the name. A witch can have more than one familiar, if you ask me!

Abut the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.