Making Gratitude a Way of Life

A Gratitude a Day…

For several years I wrote a post on Facebook I called my “daily gratitude post”. It was my way of both keeping my own sanity through the chaos and confusion of COVID, and putting a little positive energy out into the world on a regular basis. Eventually, I made the decision to cut back on my social media involvement, and move the gratitude post back to this blog, but it’s lost a certain element due to the difference in immediacy between Social Media and blogs. I’m no less grateful for the many blessings in my life, but the last few months have been challenging, so the positive element has undergone a bit of a shakedown.

As things begin settling into a new normal which has yet to be determined, I’m hoping to resume a more upbeat, and hopefully, entertaining tone to these posts. I know life will never be perfect, and there will be times when I struggle to keep my head up, and a smile on my face, but also know I’m not alone in this topsy-turvy game we play from birth to death, and perhaps, beyond.

For those of you who have stuck with me through the gloominess of the last couple of months, I send you a boatload of thanks. It means a lot to me that you came along for the ride when I wasn’t as uplifting as usual. Though I still have a ways to go as I adjust to what is, rather than what I thought it was, my feet are back on solid ground as I remember (or in some cases, was reminded) I can’t depend on others for emotional support, cheerleading, or anything else to lift my spirits. That’s totally on me.

Conquering Adversity is an Inside Job

I was also reminded I’ve always managed to bounce back on my own, no matter what kicked me to the curb, or threw me for a loop at the time. The key was, and always has been to stop looking outward for support or validation when a look in the mirror will always show me the person who has always been there to pick me up when I fall, nurse me back to health, and give me all the attagirls I could possibly want.

We’re all struggling at times. We’re all getting up, dusting ourselves off, and going in for another round over and over again. It’s not a reflection on me that I find myself completely alone from time to time. Everyone around me has their own challenges, be it personal health issues, financial issues, or caring for family members.

Pausing to Count My Blessings

In fact, in a lot of ways, I’m one of the lucky ones. My parents are gone so I don’t have their care to concern me. My kids are healthy so they don’t need me to help raise their kids. My health is good, due in no small part to my own stubbornness and refusal to sit around waiting for my body to heal. My sanity may hang by a thread at times, but I have my writing, and the people who comment on what I’ve written to reel me back in again. I have interesting, mentally challenging work which gives me purpose, and allows me to indulge myself now and then.

Reminding myself of my many blessings is the best way I know to appreciate what I have, and reduce the importance of what I don’t. If my life was perfect, I’d have nothing to relate to others with, and no way to connect. I couldn’t uplift anyone without stories of overcoming adversity. So even the moments of adversity are blessings in their own way. You can’t appreciate the light if you don’t experience darkness. You don’t recognize a blessing if you don’t endure a few curses.

So this is me, returning to my perfectly imperfect self, and appreciating every, single aspect of this roller coaster life.

Gratitude Shared is Gratitude Grown

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for all the highs and lows which make up my life.
2. I’m grateful for remembering the woman in the mirror has always been there for me, and always will be.
3. I’m grateful for the people who read my posts, and share their own experiences and perspectives.
4. I’m grateful for beautiful, warm, breezy days for what are now regular, 2.6 mile walks.
5. I’m grateful for finding my way back to the messily positive side of myself I’ve learned to know and love.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

A Temporary Lull in the Insanity Called “Life”

Life is a Hurricane

Since the first of May, life has been a flurry; work, making sure I get out and walk, appointments, errands…the usual, but on steroids. As always happens, though it’s hard to remember while in the middle of a hurricane, life does settle down; maybe not to what I remember as normal, but to what is becoming the new normal.

Work is pushing closer to 80 hours a month, or half-time as opposed to one-quarter time, and that’s ok. It makes me think back to the years I had to miss the annual line dance cruise due to lack of funds compared to now, when I’ve booked not one, but two in a cabin by myself with a balcony! Sure, I’m still struggling with the fact I’m allowed to spend my own money on myself (case in point, a month’s-long struggle to convince myself I could order a pair of pillow shams!), but I do see improvements to both me and my home in my immediate future.

That lack mentality I’ve fought for so long is slowly ebbing away as I express gratitude for the increase in work, and the simplicity of my life overall. Sure, I’m still wrangling with myself over larger purchases like furniture, painting the house, and an SUV, but I know I’ll reach a decision about each one in its turn…eventually. Meanwhile, I’m enjoying the heck out of solo hotel rooms and cabins with balconies and look forward to many more opportunities to enjoy a quiet breakfast, alone with my own thoughts.

Finding Balance in Unexpected Places

Funny enough, the COVID years were actually my turning point. Forced to stay home more, I wasn’t spending as much while getting a little help with my inability to find work. My life, despite one particularly grievous loss, finally settled down to a point where, slowly but surely, I was able to attract opportunities to write, and do accounting too. It was there I learned, for the time being at least, my opportunities were better in the field I knew best, while writing moved back to its role as therapist and creative expressionist for my own benefit only.

Although I’ve yet to find the perfect balance between my work and my writing, I do get to pound the keys a bit several times a week to keep this site from dying on the vine. It certainly doesn’t fulfill all my creative needs, but as a therapist, it’s unparalleled. The depression and disconnection which have been haunting me for the last few months are slowly lifting, or at least shifting to something brighter and lighter. At this point, I suspect I’ll have to wait until my new normal manifests completely before I’ll move fully out of that dark zone again.

Connection Begins With Me

I am learning connection begins with me getting up and moving around rather than sitting in a corner, playing games on my phone between sets. It may be outside my comfort zone to initiate social interaction, but maybe that’s part of my own process right now. I know sitting in a corner alone had already gotten old and stale, so forcing myself to make more of an effort isn’t a bad thing at all! And I have some amazing examples in the dance community; people who have a knack for making everyone feel welcome. I’ll probably never reach their level of expertise, nor should I, but their skills are well worth emulating, insofar as my own strengths and abilities allow.

Bottom line, my world is changing from within so a happier, more connected me can manifest without. Some of the changes are conscious, while others are driven by necessity in one form or another. Clearly, I’m on the right track again, as I’m seeing an unusual (even for me) number of instances of 11:11s and 1:11s the last few days.

A Grateful Life is a Happy Life

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for changing times, and turning tides.
2. I’m grateful for rekindling my joy in the dance community.
3. I’m grateful for the courage to step outside my comfort zone again and again.
4. I’m grateful for the people who lead by example, though they may not even be aware of it.
5. I’m grateful for shifting relationships; it’s not about letting go, moving on, and cutting losses, but in understanding they’ll fall into place in their own time, and independent of any expectations I might have.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Pullin’ Up My Britches

Giving Myself a Pep Talk

I found myself spiraling down into that town I never wanted to visit again; the town where I beat myself up for choices I’d made which left me alone to cope with the emotional side of recent events. I certainly wasn’t doing myself any favors, bemoaning the fact the only kind of help anyone had time to give me involved food delivery; the one thing I didn’t, and don’t need. Fortunately, with the help of my walking buddy, Jesse, I forced myself to, in a way, pull up my britches every day and walk in addition to ballet and line dancing every week.

I suspect all the movement is responsible for helping me keep my head above the emotional undertow enough to start knitting those threads of my sanity back together, albeit into something new and different. Time will tell if it’ll also be stronger, and more resilient; softer, and more attractive to someone who has more to bring to a relationship than groceries. If there’s one thing I can easily afford to miss, it’s a meal or two!

In the last few days, I’ve begun to ask myself:

• How many times in the past, when I was going through difficult times, did I have someone there to provide the kind of support which can’t be found in a shopping bag?
• How many times have I looked at myself in the mirror while drying off from the latest storm, only to realize I made it through all by myself yet again?
• How often have I wondered, when things were at their worst yet, why I’d never been able to form bonds which would mean I’d never have to weather one of these storms alone again?
• How many times will I stand in front of the mirror asking myself the same questions, because I’ve failed to learn the most important lesson of all; how to do things differently, and connect with other humans?

Unanswered Questions

While I can’t answer any of these questions definitively, I can say I’m well and truly tired of being on the outside looking in. Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful I’ve been able to, like the phoenix, rise from the ashes of my life time after time. I’m grateful even my doctor is somewhat in awe of all I’ve accomplished in the last 3 months, and commented on it to her nurse as she gave me the go-ahead to resume my normal activities next week (which is a bit humorous since I’ve been doing almost everything and more for over a month now, only limited in bending and lifting).

Friends (or really, friendly acquaintances) were happy to share their personal horror stories recovering from this surgery, or at least the physical ones. Many alluded to the emotional and mental challenges, but, as is still common in our society, didn’t go into details. With a couple of exceptions, I’ve gotten past the physical challenges with flying colors simply because I wasn’t willing to give up my dancing and ballet for more than a couple of weeks. And once I started walking every day, I didn’t want to give that up either, especially when we started walking over 2.5 miles a day!

Living a Life of Familiarity

That’s kind of funny too. Since we follow the same route every day, some people in the neighborhood have started to recognize us, and will smile and wave as we go by. So, you ask, how could I possibly feel sad and alone? Let me explain, without allowing myself to go down that rabbit hole again, because, in the end, I still survive, and even thrive.

• When I need someone to talk to about how I’m feeling, there’s nobody to call.
• When I am home alone at night, and would like someone to share a meal with, there’s no one to call.
• When I want to go on a trip, I either go alone, or don’t go. Sure, I go on trips involving dancing, and I’ve learned I prefer to have a cabin or hotel room to myself nowadays, I’d still like having someone to share meals with, or attend the classes with, and discuss what we’ve learned afterwards. I’d love to have someone to explore with, or see a show with, or so many other things that are so much better when they’re shared.
• When I reach a milestone like getting off restrictions, I’d like to have someone I can not only share it with, but rejoice as well.

The truth is, this is the life I’ve made for myself, for good, bad, or ugly. I can take pride in all the mountains I’ve climbed without assistance even if there are times it seems like a hollow victory. Everyone I know now has taken the time to establish friendships so they have at least one, special person to share those successes with. But shared or not, I have those successes. Not everyone does.

So, I’m pulling up my britches, appreciating the strength that’s taken me this far, appreciating that my body might creak and groan at times, but still gets me where I’m going, and then some. If I’ve failed to be the kind of woman someone else wants to share that oh-so-elusive commodity; time, with, at least I’m still finding reasons to keep myself going, and growing, and thriving, even if only my cats and my walking partner ever hang around long enough to share the joy of my successes. And I’m the one who gets to benefit from their purrs and snuggles too…me, and me alone.

Always So Many Blessings!

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for no longer being a fan of wallowing.
2. I’m grateful for all of my successes and achievements.
3. I’m grateful for my walking buddy who keeps my body moving, and my health improving.
4. I’m grateful for my cats who may or may not have chosen me, but who love me like nobody else seems to be able to.
5. I’m grateful for being able to maintain my independence in a world where I don’t always feel like I belong. When I depend on myself, I’m never let down, or disappointed.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

When Life Conspires

Life Will Always Give You Signs

Sometimes, Life alters your plans without you even realizing it. Take for example the 3 dance nights I had scheduled for this weekend. I missed the first one because I didn’t start working until late in the afternoon, and decided I’d rather get things done than get cleaned up to go out. On night two, the friend I was going to meet there messaged me to say she was just getting over a cold. Again, I was working, and since I wasn’t meeting my friend, decided not to put work off until late that night.

By the time I got to Saturday, I realized being around a lot of people where I would be alone in the crowd for the most part, was definitely not my idea of a good time. Instead, I paid the bills I’d neglected on the first, got a few chores done, and, once again, started working late in the afternoon, and chose finishing what I was doing over getting cleaned up to go out when I didn’t really feel like being sociable anyway.

In every case, life gave me perfectly good reasons to stay home and catch up on work so I could start the next week off less stressed over the amount of work I needed to accomplish in a week when ballet would be back in session, and a doctor’s visit was on the schedule.

Stepping Back to Regroup and Re-assess

To many, it probably seems like I’m hiding away. In truth, I’m taking a much-needed step back to allow myself to reassess where I am, and where I want to be. It’s perhaps a bit humbling knowing neither my presence nor my absence unduly impacted anyone else this weekend, but it’s also freeing. I can continue coming and going as I please, making barely a ripple in the life and times of a host of friendly acquaintances. Granted, it’s not somewhere I wish to stay forever, but at the moment, it’s exactly where I need to be while I’m figuring out where I’ll be going from here.

It’s also giving me a chance to clear some of my physical space now that I’m able to attempt things like mopping and scrubbing, though it always seems to start with clearing off my dining room table/desk area. I also got to assemble a side table I’d bought for my front porch so the box wouldn’t sit in my living room indefinitely. One of the happy side effects of living alone for the last 12 years is I tend to clear clutter more quickly. Aside from the Amazon box in my hall which belongs to the cats, I’m no longer a fan of having things around I can trip over, perhaps due, in part to my aging body which doesn’t take well to falls.

The Mind Rests When You Pay Attention

An interesting side-effect to this temporary isolation is the weirdest of my weird dreams seems to have passed. I guess they were reflecting the internal chaos I was stuffing down and ignoring instead of facing head-on. As a result, the extra hours of sleep I’ve been getting are more restful now, which is probably why Ishtar has resumed sleeping on or near me again.

Needless to say, I’m paying attention to all the signposts Life is sending right now. They’re there for a reason, and like a Stop- or Yield-sign, I realize I am being guided in the Universe’s unique way. Where, or what I’m being guided to remains to be seen, but isn’t that part of the adventure?

Expressing My Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for a self-imposed, restful weekend of getting things done.
2. I’m grateful for sign posts.
3. I’m grateful for the continued lack of toxicity and negativity invading my life from the outside world.
4. I’m grateful for my daily walks.
5. I’m grateful for the extra cuddlyness and purryness of my resident felines. Even Sable is starting to warm up to me a bit, rubbing against my legs while I dish up food, and refraining from hissing when I get too close.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Attracting and Repelling

A Push me-Pull you Life

Have you ever noticed how you attract what you feel strongly about having, and repel what feels uncomfortable, or distasteful? It even applies with things you once loved, but are now giving yourself reasons to avoid.

Case in point: I’ve missed 2 of the 3 dance nights this week, using too much work as my excuse. Granted work has been especially busy this week with billing, month-end, and payroll falling within a 3-day span, but had I really wanted to go dancing, I’d have made the time. As I’ve been feeling extremely disconnected, and like I’m hanging by a thread to the fringes lately, I’m becoming repelled by the idea of being around a crowd of people, even if we’re all doing something we love; dancing. I’ve failed to make time to work on the dances I’m struggling with too.

Somehow, the pleasure I found in being part of the dance community has waned lately, though I’m sure it’s due in large part to my own tenuous mental state. I feel more valued and valuable when I’m working right now. For one thing, it keeps me out of my head, and focused on the tasks at and. For another, I don’t have to deal directly with people, or try to find a sociable bit of myself to hide the tangled mess inside.

Finding Pleasure in a Job Well Done

Best of all, my co-workers are almost all 3,000 miles, and 3 time zones away. Rarely does an email or Google message require an immediate reply whether it comes in while I’m sitting at the computer, taking my daily walk, having lunch, or doing laundry. I can edit my less-than-stellar mood out of my responses, even if I’m muttering under my breath while I type it. And I feel a sense of accomplishment when I’ve managed to slog my way through some of the trickier bits, only to have someone tell me they appreciate all I do.

What it all boils down to is I’m not currently able to put forth my best possible self, so it’s easier to not put forth anyone at all. Once, I’d go just because I needed the exercise, but with a walk which gives me 8- or 9,000 steps a day, I’m not as motivated to go out at night, and brave all the people who have their own groups of friends, just to get a few thousand more steps in.

As such, I suspect I’m attracting more work, even if I didn’t exactly intend to, or if it’s not exactly because of my initial efforts. Someone else may be adding things which increase my work load, but I’m more than happy to take on the extra, and even volunteer to provide more support…just to avoid cleaning myself up enough to repel people less.

Old Cycles Revisited

It is a familiar cycle I’m in right now. The more I feel I’m not included, the more I’ll make changes which keep me out of situations where I don’t feel included. By being around less, when I do go back, people have grown used to my absence, and aren’t overly inclined to change the behaviors which pushed me away in the first place. I used to describe this feeling as “alone in a crowd”, and it’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately.

I know part of it is my own detachment as I grapple with the hormonal changes post-surgery. In my mind, keeping myself to myself is the right thing to do so I don’t inflict my moodiness on other people. I also know if I don’t make use of one of my best outlets, dancing, soon, I’m going to start inflicting it on others anyway unless I completely isolate myself. I learned the hard way that’s not a good idea.

Finding Ways to Cope

Perhaps the best thing to do is consider myself lucky I’m included at all, even if I remain on the fringes rather than having my own, special group of friends. I do receive my share of warm greetings, after all. If everyone drifts away after the first hellos, it’s because they’ve made the effort to connect, and grow their own circles. I’m still trying to figure out how that all works.

At least my cats are happy I’m home more right now. Both inside and outside cats have grown more demanding about getting their share of attention. Even grouchy Sable rubs against my legs when I’m dishing up breakfast, and only hisses at me half the time!

Grateful No Matter What

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for a valid reason to avoid people right now.
2. I’m grateful I’m accomplishing something while crawling back into my hermit hole lately.
3. I’m grateful for my cats who never make me feel lonely or excluded.
4. I’m grateful for my daily walks which ensure I get some exercise, fresh air, and de-stressing.
5. I’m grateful for another day to try and figure all this out.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Time to Stop Wallowing

Wallowing is Only Temporary

I admit it. I’ve been wallowing in my own misery lately. I can tell myself I have reasons, but I must also admit, they’re more excuses than reason. The truth is, I’m alone and unsupported because of my own actions, and for no other reason. Sure, it may be because I tend to fall back on what I’ve learned the hard way. It is deeply rooted in family values which rest solidly on doing for yourself…even as a child. But the cold, stand-offish, strong-on-the-outside part is still my own doing, regardless of how many times I feel I’ve been let down or abandoned.

I’ve spent a lot of years hiding behind self-deprecating humor. The problem is, if I’m outspokenly disrespecting myself; leaving myself unsupported; broadcasting my unworthiness; I don’t really have room to expect anyone to treat me differently than I treat myself. I’m working on that, though. I’m subtly altering my internal dialogue by expressing my love and support for myself. I’m giving in to my moments of weakness, if only in private for now. Above all, I’m emphasizing my worthiness to be loved and respected despite the hormonal shit-storm going on inside me, and the tendency to believe I’m less of a woman for the removal of a few spare parts.

In a way, it means distancing myself emotionally more than I already was while I shore up those tattered bits of my emotional well-being. Sure, it means buying in, once again, to the belief nobody wants to see, much less deal with the lily-livered parts of my psyche which can be a real buzz-kill in social situations. Maybe I’m opting out of one or two opportunities to dance out my worries and cares, using the quite valid excuse I’m buried in work, and need to put in some extra evening hours to catch up. If nothing else, it gives me more time to shed the mantle of woe before imposing myself on others who dance to kick the misery and stress to the curb.

Solitary Confinement for My Own Good

Putting myself in solitary confinement always been my M.O., if I’m honest with you and myself. When I’m at my worst emotionally, I believe others don’t need to be exposed to my ugliest, messiest side, so I hole up until I’m fit for human company again. In my nearly 69 years on Earth, I’ve had precious few times when there was someone I felt comfortable being all me with nothing held back, and now isn’t one of those times. At least this time, I feel somewhat comfortable expressing those feelings on a page people can choose to visit and read…or not.

The funny thing is, missing a dance night to work didn’t bother me this time. In fact, I was somewhat relieved to avoid putting on my happy face for a couple of hours in favor of getting a bit ahead with work. It’ll mean less hours worked over the weekend, if I’m lucky, so I can enjoy the two dance nights I still plan to attend. Clearly, this was one time I needed to follow my gut, and keep to myself so a better me can embrace the spirit of my dance nights later.

If you’re still reading, know this is the only place I feel comfortable exposing the raw, unfiltered person who isn’t as strong as I seem on the outside. I may be dancing, walking, and even bending and lifting more these days, but trust me, my insides are a ball of mush, and tears are closer to the surface than I’d like. Once I’ve sufficiently bottled all the weak, mushiness up, I’ll trust myself to re-enter the world, if only for a couple of hours at a stretch. But I know I’m not giving my all any more. I can’t trust myself to keep the cork on that bottle if I mistakenly recognize an opening. I’ve chosen wrong almost every time.

Ever,  and Always Grateful

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for a place to pour out my true feelings, since I no longer feel safe or comfortable doing it face-to-face with anyone.
2. I’m grateful for getting caught up on the month-end work which grows more demanding and prolific every month.
3. I’m grateful for recognizing I need an outlet other than this page, but knowing I’ve yet to find it.
4. I’m grateful for taking a night off so I can get out and move for 2 more.
5. I’m grateful for the friends who will understand and relate to this state of mind I’m in, but sorry they have to go through it themselves.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Enlightenment from a Massage Table

I Know What’s Wrong, But Not How to Fix It

I’ve often found my monthly massage to be the perfect place to let my mind drift along, entering areas of my subconscious where it requires silence from the bossier parts of my monkey mind in order to have its say. It’s not unlike a small child who’s been told too many times to be quiet, until she acts like she’s invisible most of the time. I consider myself fortunate she wasn’t completely silenced, nor did she fade away by pretending to be invisible for too long, and too often.

Lately, I’ve been employing a technique I recently discovered both during massages, and when I meditate. All I have to do is begin a litany of “I love you’s” in my mind while allowing myself to let everything go, and my body becomes as fluid as water. This time, the process let me see my heart chakra bloom into a beautiful, green burst of light. As the session continued, my solar plexus chakra followed suit, becoming a sunburst of yellow nearly too bright to gaze upon, even with my mind’s eye.

Then I hit a brick wall. Though my body continued it’s descent into fluidity, the next two lower chakras remained stubbornly closed. Fortunately, they weren’t invisible, just unwilling to emit even a spark of light, nor unclench themselves from what I can only describe as a position of defense. I talked over what I’d felt and seen with my massage therapist as I often do. Her insight has been invaluable on multiple occasions, and this time was no different. She pointed out I’ve consistently struggled with opening either my root chakra or my sacral chakra so finding them so tightly clenched wasn’t surprising.

Stuck in Old Habits

 

As I ponder the purpose of those two chakras, it does make a lot of sense. My root chakra remains in its defensive pose because there hasn’t been a single time in my life when I felt supported for more than a brief moment. I’m feeling less supported than ever since my surgery. Which leads to the sacral chakra as the surgery did, as I’d been warned, undermine what little sense of femininity I possessed to the point where I feel any attractiveness I might have had was excised with my uterus.

I understand some of these feelings are quite common, and of course, being me, I’ve been stuffing them down, refusing to let them have their say. As my massage therapist also pointed out, being the type of person I am, and having so many trauma responses still active, asking for help (especially after ill-fated attempts shortly after surgery) is something I simply can’t bring myself to do.

Diving back into my regular activities, plus adding daily walks which now exceed 2.5 miles hasn’t helped either. From the outside looking in, the average person sees me doing quite well. They may know on a conscious level that appearances can be deceiving, but also being who I am, I haven’t exactly encouraged closeness from many. So while a friend who does know how to ask for help is receiving lots of love and encouragement, the most I’m getting is “you’re doing really well so soon after surgery!”

Forever on the Outside Looking In

The hardest pill to swallow right now is how disconnected I feel from my dance community. I show up. I dance. I chat. I laugh. But there’s a huge chasm between me and everyone else, and I don’t know how to close it, or even cross it. The wider it gets, the more unlikely it seems I ever will. In a lot of ways, I’m back where I was in high school. I’m part of the group, but remain on the fringes while everyone else has their own friendship circles within the group.

When I show up at various dance events, I sit with a group of people I know, but am soon sitting on the outside, watching conversations on either side of me with nothing to contribute. I float along on top of the waves, but never get to join the school of fish swimming and splashing beneath the surface.

At this point, I don’t even know if I have to find a way to force those two chakras, and the energy the contain open with a virtual crowbar first, or find a way to just be my own support system and sensual being without depending on anyone else to prop me up until I find a way to do it myself. I may have had a lot of practice, but it doesn’t mean I’ve gotten good at it.

Smiling and Waving From My Island

What I have gotten good at is putting on a brave, strong face so I suppose I fell back on old habits rather than allow myself to flounder around like a fish out of water. Interestingly, I’m not feeling sorry for myself, per se. I’m feeling sad that after all these years, there are some areas in my life where I feel I’ve made zero progress. I’m tired of being on the outside looking in, watching the rest of the world laughing, loving, and thriving on life’s feasts, but I’ve bought into my own lie, and believe I lack the skill set needed to be more than an onlooker.

That’s not to say I won’t continue poking at those areas where I’m stuck, trying to find a tool that will break what appears to be a seal that’s centuries old, and more impenetrable than a 100 foot thick wall of granite. But I sure could use some sharper tools, or at least an instruction manual!

Finding Gratitude No Matter What

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for another round of insight, even if it makes me want to pound my head on a wall.
2. I’m grateful for my massage therapist who helps me come face to face with where I’m getting in my own way.
3. I’m grateful for my writing; the best darn therapist I’ve ever had.
4. I’m grateful for my furry family. They may not be all the support I need, but they’re always there for me, and that counts for a lot.
5. I’m grateful for being my own harshest critic. I know where and who I am are the result of my own actions and choices.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Hiccups in the Healing Journey

Healing with Boundaries

I changed up my routine this weekend; sitting on the front porch with my coffee before fixing breakfast and sitting down at the computer. Although my street runs from one of the main thoroughfares down into my neighborhood, there are certain times when it’s actually quiet and peaceful. Saturday morning is one of those times when the silence is broken occasionally by a passing car, but more often, by the cheerful chirping of the local avian population.

Sitting in one of my comfortably padded, red Adirondack chairs left temporarily vacant by Max and Cinders, I pondered the events of the last couple days and nights. On both dance nights this week, someone I’d disconnected from earlier this year was there, which was not unexpected. As usual, we ignored each other, even while in a small, conversational group. What I found odd, but interesting was I no longer felt waves of negative energy emanating from her. Instead, I felt an odd, deadness, almost like a black hole where she was standing.

I know I’ve set some pretty solid boundaries, and set my shields on stun in her case,  but this is the first time I’ve felt someone’s energy disappear entirely. My guess is she’s somehow blocked me too, which is for the best for both of us, but it’s definitely a new experience for me. I’ve read about higher vibrations, and getting beyond certain types of energy, but I don’t flatter myself I’m there yet. Heaven knows, I fight feelings in myself which are hardly higher vibrations, so I have a long way to go before I can hope to completely rise above the negativity of others.

Selectively Sensing Energy

Granted, I’ve been liberally applying my friend Lorna’s imaginary, heart-shaped confetti whenever I’m in the same place as this person, while surrounding myself in golden energy to keep my own space as positive as possible. I’ll still feel the occasional twinges of annoyance; quashing them immediately as self-defeating and pointless. I’m human, after all, and subject to the usual highs and lows as I follow the irregular path of my healing journey. I’m also feeling more alone than usual again.

The deadness of her energy field might puzzle me, but I’m unwilling to probe the matter further than to suppose, having pretended all this time she’s not even there has simply made it so I no longer detect her energy at all. At this point, I chalk it up to another lesson learned in allowing myself to trust someone too much when doing so means being untrue to myself. Doing so means, when things go south, I’m apt to go overboard protecting myself from further interchanges.

Over the years, I’ve learned through both necessity, and trial and error I need to protect my own energy. For a number of years, I was doing too good a job, resulting in complete disconnection from most of the human race. Though the method I first chose came at a time when I was under energetic attack I didn’t really understand, I wouldn’t recommend encasing oneself in a mirror ball. It might have thwarted the attacks but it prevented me from either healing, or making healthy connections for decades. When I finally emerged, I was nearly as vulnerable as a newborn without the benefit of parents to protect me until I could stand on my own so lessons were painful and brutal for awhile.

Learning to Trust Through Trial and Error

Even now, I tend to trust too easily under certain circumstances, not at all under others, and retract like a turtle into my shell when I discover I’ve misplaced my trust…yet again. I haven’t given up on finding people I can trust with my soft, mushy self, but I’m more cautious than an aquaphobic at the sea shore, especially after another setback from misplacing my trust yet again. I know there’s a happy medium but I still suffer from extremism in this area. Either my “switch” is on, or it’s off. Though I need to install a dimmer, I haven’t been in a state of balance long enough to do so.

I know something is changing though, as I’m learning, consciously or not to block some energy so completely I no longer sense its existence, though realistically, I know it has to be there somewhere. Unfortunately, I’m no longer sensing any truly safe places either, and know it’s because I’ve retreated back into myself again. Though I’m ready to dip my toe back in that pond, there’s a part of me which is, as yet, unwilling to take the risk. In a lot of ways, I’m back to that oblivious girl who wouldn’t recognize a safe place, or for that matter, a willing soul if they smacked me on the head, or dumped a bucket of ice water over me.

All I can do now, is hold onto the spark of hope and faith inside me which continues to believe I deserve to be surrounded by people who love and support me; to have a more active social life, and be less of a hermit. Beyond that, I cannot see, nor comprehend right now, but I can still work on my healing.

Grateful for My Own Journey

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the lessons that hurt like the dickens, but help me heal at the same time.
2. I’m grateful for my turtle shell. There are times I need to pull back and regroup.
3. I’m grateful for the few who truly support me, even when I’m a real PITA.
4. I’m grateful for kindred spirits.
5. I’m grateful for my writing. Sometimes, it’s the only person I can talk to freely.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Pushing Myself Physically, Closing Doors Emotionally

Compensating with Excessive Physical Effort

According to most of my friends and fellow dancers, I’m a lot more active than most people so soon after major surgery. In my defense, I thought 3 months was excessive in the first place, though in some instances, it’s been spot on. I’ve increased my daily walks, albeit accidentally, to about 2.65 miles, but I know when I need to cut back.

Case in point: Thursday night, after walking 2.65 miles, dancing most of the line dances between 6 and 9, and spending about 35 minutes working on a couple of the new ones at home, I woke up after a mere hour of sleep with my legs complaining. This continued hourly until I finally took a couple of Aleve around 7, and finally, got up and moved. Clearly, I overdid the exercise, or underdid the stretching, or both after the plethora of exercise.

Friday began with 45 minutes of circuit training with my personal trainer who decided it was time to step things up a notch or twelve. Though my legs were tired afterwards, it meant they were well warmed up for 90 minutes of ballet an hour later. I’d already decided to go dancing again, so I knew I’d better respect the body that had already been well-worked by 2, and shortened my walk to about 1.5 miles instead of the usual 2.65. It’s not that I didn’t think I could make the 2.65 mile circuit. It’s because I knew if I did, I wouldn’t be dancing very much later. I may be pushing my limits every day, but I also know how far I can push them without being in complete misery for the next few days.

Overcompensating

There is a slight down-side to pushing myself to return to my normal (or better) activity levels as soon as possible. I’m allowing myself to feel a bit envious of the love and support being showered on someone else right now, who’s also in healing mode. I know it’s silly, but my feelings are my feelings. Eventually, I will work through them, and stop feeling sorry for myself, but for now, I need to sit with the feelings, and allow myself to have them without judgement. In the meantime, the more I move my body, the better for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Right now, I might feel like it’s small compensation for the lack of support I feel I’m attracting, but I’ll be stronger in the long run.

I also know the outward show of strength I learned as a trauma response when I wasn’t supported as a child works against me at times…but it’s all I know after so many years of using it as a fallback whenever times got tough. I know I don’t easily allow people in, nor do I know how to ask for support in a healthy way. Before I can form complete sentences, the trauma response kicks in and chastises me for whining. Though I’ve learned to stop blaming myself for those trauma responses, I’m still working through the tendency to be overly responsible for everything that happens in my life. The healing journey continues, in spite of those areas where I’m still stuck.

Meanwhile, I continue to move my body in hopes I’ll ultimately cause all the stuck energy to move itself along until it pushes through the clogs, or I find a way to loosen them to improve the flow. I suspect pushing myself to get out of that sticky, stodgy comfort zone will start to make a difference as long as I’m persistent and don’t let up when it becomes harder. I understand I can’t help who I am right now, but I can make small changes to clear the way to become a better person inside and out. It begins and ends with gratitude.

Grateful for Another Round of Lessons

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning to let myself feel the feels, even when they’re unpleasant.
2. I’m grateful for learning the me I am now isn’t the me I have to remain.
3. I’m grateful for understanding lack of support is a direct result of my own past actions and behaviors.
4. I’m grateful for learning I can wallow in self-pity for a short time, but then I need to get moving in one way or another.
5. I’m grateful for knowing I have a long way to go before I learn to let people get close to me, because each time I get burned, I fall back into old habits, even if I don’t go back as far, nor stay there as long.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Finding Purpose as a Cat Trampoline

My True Purpose

Nothing interrupts a peaceful night’s slumber quite like a cat hurtling through the air to land smack dab on the most delicate parts of your anatomy, putting 10 times their normal weight behind the leap. Yet there I was, in the wee hours of the morning; the trampoline of choice for not only Artemis, who barely weighs 7 pounds, but 11 1/2 pound Scrappy Doo, and worse, Ishy the chonk! I’m only guessing, but she’s at least 15 pounds of solid, hyperactive cat! Clearly, I misunderstand my true purpose around here!

They couldn’t have staged their circus routine on a night when I was already restless anyway. Noooo! They waited for a night when I was deep in dreamland, blissfully oblivious to my crazy, topsy-turvy world for a few, precious hours. Was I taking up too much of the bed? Did my snoring waken them from their own feline dreams? Were they missing the sound of jackhammers outside my window at the crack of dawn, and decided to recreate the cacophony and chaos themselves? The minds of my feline family are perplexing at best.

Wild, Crazy Dreams

Admittedly, my dreams have been less than restful the last few days, but I’ve been sleeping for longer stretches, and don’t typically move a lot when I’m sleeping. What set the little acrobats off this morning is a mystery. The real kicker, though, is once they’d scarfed down their morning serving of wet food, they all found spots around the living room to take a post-acrobatic snooze, now that I’m wide awake, and able to administer skritches at will!

Granted, there have been times I was grateful for the rude awakening, as disturbing dreams made for a less-than-restful night. If only they could tell the difference! Who knows? Maybe their antics did coincide with one from which I needed to awaken. If so, I don’t remember now. Being abruptly awakened tends to drive a dream out of my consciousness faster than anything else, and when combined with a demanding furball or two (Artemis, in particular will shove her face into my hand if I fail to respond promptly to her need for attention), whatever dream which might have corralled my unconscious mind is long gone, taking all its tendrils with it.

At least I’m wide awake, and ready to not only field whatever comes my way work-wise, but get a couple of the newer line dances solidified in my already overloaded brain before tonight.  Looking at tonight’s play list, there are no fewer than eight relatively new ones, plus two brand new ones in tonight’s lessons. I’m amazed my brain can still remember even 75% of the ballet choreography these days, it’s so overloaded with line dance choreo! Admittedly, line dance choreo is easier for me because a lot of it is 8-count patterns which have become part of my brain matter after over 30 years of line dancing!

Grateful for Every Aspect of My Life

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my furry family, even if they interrupt my sleep because early morning is play time.
2. I’m grateful for all the mental challenges as it keeps me young and spry-ish.
3. I’m grateful for plenty of opportunities to dance, walk, and otherwise move this older, but still active body of mine.
4. I’m grateful for the steps I’m taking out of my comfort zone which allow me to dance more again.
5. I’m grateful for a job that keeps my mind working overtime, and serves to offset the rest of my activities (and fund them too!)

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.