Unpacking and Healing

Healing the Deep-Seated Emotions

One of the many things I love about my monthly massage is how it allows me to completely relax and quell those pesky inner voices for a little while, allowing some deep-seated emotions to surface. Although I tend to be rather wordy when I’m awake and firing on all 157 cylinders, I tend to be almost entirely visual in a meditative or dream state which means I get to interpret the visions I receive, for better or worse, before I can unpack the messages and heal what came up.

Lately, I seem to be hyper-focused on my relationship with relationships, so it was no surprise the visual I received this month was in that realm. I know over the years I’ve self-sabotaged, both in who I’ve allowed in, and how it played out. Ultimately, I’ve unconsciously picked people who couldn’t do my still-tender psyche any lasting harm, so those I choose, or allow in are typically as broken as me, or, in recent years, a lot more than me. What I didn’t realize was it was my subconscious trying in its clumsy way to protect my underdeveloped heart from harm.

The methodology it chose is somewhat convoluted, but I’ll do my best to explain. Over the years, I realized I had my wires crossed when it came to attraction, be it simple friendship or more. I’d fail to recognize the usual human signals indicating someone was interested in connecting, and I’d misread the ones which were surface-level only, believing they were the real deal. Needless to say, either a relationship or friendship never started in the first place, or if it did, it was one that would only last until the veneer wore thin, or the other person’s need for whatever I was offering ended.

Letting Go of More Coping Mechanisms

I know now, I need to face those feelings which caused my subconscious to employ such tactics, and explain to my inner child and teenager I no longer need protecting. I’m allowed to recognize an attraction and decide for myself whether it’s mutual or not. My heart has healed enough, and I’ve let go of at least some of those feelings of unworthiness, allowing me to let myself engage more deeply with people who truly love me for who I am, and won’t judge me for my quirks and foibles.

I learned my own coping mechanism of giving people the silent treatment is cruel, and causes unnecessary pain when simple communication will give both sides the opportunity to work through their own issues in a safe space. I suspect my crossed signals explains why some people, inexplicably kept me at arm’s length to the point of coldness. They probably recognized, at least subconsciously I would misread any overtures on their part, and preferred to keep their distance rather then getting sucked into my topsy-turvy world.

Attracting by Being Less Broken

As I begin to recognize where I kept making the same mistakes, and seek to correct the beliefs and behaviours, I’m already noticing a slight unbending from a couple of those people, and an opening up from others I’d only interacted with peripherally before. It’s not that I feel I was unapproachable before, but those who sensed my inability to accurately determine whether a brief interaction was or wasn’t an overture of friendship and deeper connection knew to keep those interactions at a surface level lest they be misconstrued.

While I’m not saying I won’t continue to err as I work through all the twists and turns from both my own and my ancestors’ pasts, being aware of my subconscious confusion will allow me to take a few steps back and ask myself the questions I didn’t know to ask before. I’ll be less likely to accept the messages I’m getting from my subconscious, and unfold the virtual notes I’m receiving to read and interpret them myself instead.

I may walk alone for a little longer but I know this particular wound will take awhile to completely unpack and heal. I know the steps I’m taking now have been a long time coming to the surface. There’s a lot more pain and trauma connected to this montage of feelings than I know quite yet, but I’m girding my loins to dash courageously into the fray, knowing there are a lot of deep-seated fears I’ll be confronting and alleviating along the way.

Grateful for the Winding Road

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my monthly massages which are a huge part of my healing process.
2. I’m grateful for reaching a point where I can tell my fears they have a voice, but not a vote any more.
3. I’m grateful for all the healing which has led up to this point in my life where I’m dealing with some of the heavy, heartfelt parts.
4. I’m grateful for the hurtful experiences which showed me what I was doing, and how I was hurting others myself.
5. I’m grateful for time spent among other people, and the time I get to come home to be alone with my own thoughts and feelings, and my cats who love me no matter what.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.