Scattered Mind

An Unpleasant State of Mind

I’m in a state of being mentally scattered. My mind barely settles on one topic before racing at warp speed on to the next several dozen. Even my dreams are all over the place, marrying unlikely bed partners like triggers, closed roads, and both wild and domestic felines and canines living in blissful harmony while munching on raw vegetables.

Nothing makes sense right now, be it my dreams, my thoughts, or the unholy mess the American public willingly created by handing the country over to a passel of unprincipled buffoons who care only for increasing the contents of their own wallets. Worse, those who approved of this increasing chaos via their votes continue to wander around in blissful oblivion to the blank check they signed last November.

I feel like I’m in the path of a tsunami or volcano, wanting to move out of the way, yet knowing I can’t possibly get out of the way quickly enough to avoid disaster. In some ways, I’m becoming a deer in the headlights; terrified to the point of immobility. The truth is, I don’t even know which way to move to protect myself and my furry family. I’m frozen in place because I see no direction I could run which leads to safety.

Looking for Elusive Joy

I was reading a series by Nora Roberts a couple of years ago, but had to put it down because I could see nothing but horror coming in the next few chapters. I couldn’t pick that book up now if my life depended on it because a lot of what was portrayed in those pages is a future I can too easily see coming to pass in the next few years…minus the supernatural aspects. At this point, I’ve eschewed my beloved science fiction for lighter, more magical stories because the dystopian worlds the writers depict are nipping at my heels, and those of the people who weren’t sucked in by glamours and empty promises; unlike those who are just happy to be angry, mean and ugly with no repercussions.

A few days ago, I told my walking partner I was going to choose joy as it was something the cult members don’t understand, nor know how to respond to. They see being angry and mean as their G-d given right, and they exercise it as fully and completely as they continue to follow what’s really nothing more than smoke and mirrors. They ignore the fact they’ve sold their souls to the Devil, and he’s coming to collect.

Finding joy, and refraining from falling into the doom and gloom so many are portraying is becoming more and more difficult. Which may be why I’m feeling so scattered. I want to see, feel, and believe something that’s in direct opposition to the reality that’s being shoved in my face whether I want to see it or not. I’m trying to find the silver lining; the road that still leads to possibilities, but the darkness is obscuring more and more of that path.

Keeping My Head Out of the Sand

Suspending my disbelief is requiring more energy and faith than I’m currently able to muster, left to my own devices.I feel like I’m caught in a story line similar to “Lord of the Rings” where darkness obscures everything, and the more I reach for a lighter, kinder, gentler world, the more it gets sucked into the dark, further from my reaching, groping hands.

Sure, I could turn off social media. I could ignore all the latest news of our so-called leaders dragging us further into Dark Ages 2.0. I could pretend our rights and privileges, not to mention the fruits of our labor are being sucked into a gigantic vacuum cleaner called Greed and Hate. But the voters chose Project 2025, and they’re getting exactly what they chose. The sad part is they don’t even see their rights and livelihoods disappearing, but continue to cheer for the Devil and, and remain his willing disciples.

Yet, while there’s still light…somewhere…I’ll continue reaching for it. I’ll continue believing the voices of dissension will get louder and stronger, and will refuse to be silenced. I’ll continue to applaud when other parts of the world take note of the enormous mistake we made, and ensure they don’t follow in our tainted footsteps. And I’ll continue searching for joy in the small things I can still control.

History Continues to Repeat Itself

I don’t know if I can continue believing love and kindness will find a way to beat back the darkness. I can’t ignore history which shows how this kind of ugliness sucks up a lot of once fertile ground before it’s vanquished. I do believe it will be vanquished, though at what cost, I don’t even want to imagine. I suspect the process will take years rather than weeks or months, with a lot of good being sucked away forever first. I’m not naive enough to believe there’s a knight on a white horse waiting in the wings for the right moment to ride in and slay the villains.

Perhaps the answer really is something I’m ill-prepared to do right now; get the hell out of Dodge before everything implodes and sucks us all into a big, black hole of devastation. I know I’m not typically a purveyor of doom and gloom, but with every edict; with every bill passed; with every piece of evidence the little guys who built this country have been sold to the highest bidder; I find it harder to hold on to hope.

While my little spark still sputters and continues to shine, albeit diminished, I know it needs to seek out others who refuse to allow the darkness to win. Now is the time community is going to be of the utmost importance as it’s the only way to keep those little sparks of hope alive. The larger we’re able to build our combined flame, the more likely we’ll find the path that leads us out of this unrelenting, ever-growing darkness, though what will be left when the darkness lifts is anybody’s guess.

Grateful for Continued Clear Thinking

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my tiny, struggling spark of hope.
2. I’m grateful for a few people in my life who help me keep my spark lit.
3. I’m grateful for deciding not to engage with those I know are helping feed the darkness.
4. I’m grateful for choosing joy and kindness over anger and hate.
5. I’m grateful for finally being able to put my confusion into words, even if they aren’t very joyful right now.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.

Writing for Better Mental Health

Mental Health in Your Own Hands

Writing has always been my therapist, and the last month or so is more proof of its effectiveness. While I understand it isn’t the best option for everyone, I believe it can only help, regardless of what else you’re doing to help keep yourself mentally healthy.

Take for example, gratitudes. I’ve learned it’s well nigh impossible to stay in a funk if I sit and write a list of things for which I’m grateful. Sure, it’s not going to pull anyone out of a deep, dark place miraculously, but it definitely helps, especially if you write them longhand. You establish a connection to your brain and lift yourself up a bit from the pit of darkness we all fall into at one time or another. Sometimes, all it takes is a tiny spark; a tiny glimmer of hope to make you see there are other possibilities you had yet to discover.

You may or may not have noticed, when I write something here which starts on a low note, I eventually manage to write myself around, if not to a brighter, shinier day, at least to the source of my problem, and maybe a couple of potential solutions. If nothing else, it reminds me I am the source of my own solutions; the master of my own life. I can choose to react and to sulk, or respond and move on with my life. The choice is always, always mine.

Solutions Lie Outside Your Comfort Zone

Sure, when the solution means stepping outside my comfort zone, or facing an old demon, it’s not an easy solution, but it’s still one that’s in my power to manifest. Frankly, when solutions are easy to perform, I don’t usually learn much from them. It’s when I have to actually put myself out there, make an effort, and do something difficult, I learn how strong and resilient I truly am. When I get to see another demon moving out of my life; all the better!

Even if writing isn’t your thing, you can do what I used to call a “brain dump”. All you have to do is sit down with a pen and paper, or fingers on the keys with an open Word document, and start writing whatever comes into your head. It doesn’t need to make sense, or be grammatically correct. The idea is to pull all those thoughts which are keeping you awake out into the light of day, so they don’t keep bouncing around like a pinball, wreaking havoc on your peace of mind with no other purpose.

Many was the night I’d be tossing and turning with my head full of jousting thoughts that I’d get up, open a Word document, and let my fingers do the talking. Once I’d gotten all the babble out of my head and onto the page, I was able to sleep. Sure, the problems and worries were still there, but they found a place to rest for a bit so I could too. And maybe, in the flurry of words, I’d manage to find, if not a solution, a way to deal with the goulash on my plate until I was in a better place to clear it entirely.

Facing Life’s Challenges

Life will always toss you challenges. There’s no way around it, even if you locked yourself in a room. You’re meant to find your way around, over, or through those challenges, and become stronger and better equipped for the next round. It’s even OK to take a few minutes to congratulate yourself for your latest successes before diving into the next wave of chaos.

For me, writing became one of the tools I use to help me through those challenges; those rounds of chaos. If nothing else, it helps me corral the chaos until I can find a chink in its armor allowing me to start pulling it apart into manageable pieces. Heaven knows, I face overwhelm my share of the time, if not more. Even now, when I’ve organized my life to be more or less chaos/stress free, I’m finding the chaos manages to find me.

Finding Purpose in the Chaos

The funny thing is, I’m learning I need the chaos to help me maintain a sense of purpose. If left in too peaceful an environment for too long, I get antsy and bored; nervous and frustrated. What a hoot to discover that chaos and even the stress make my life more interesting and enjoyable! (and once again, I’ve written myself around to that conclusion!)

You deserve good mental health, and in this crazy world, it can be hard to find. Whatever it takes to help yourself be mentally healthy, you need to figure it out, whether you do it by yourself or with outside help. I may be one of the lucky ones who discovered my best therapist lay in my own subconscious who was scrabbling around until I let them have their say.

Whether it works for you or not, what do you have to lose, putting pen to paper, or fingers to keys? You might even learn something about yourself that was buried underneath all the warring thoughts and feelings inside.

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning writing is my best therapist.
2. I’m grateful for being brave enough to face my demons; even the scariest ones buried deep in my psyche.
3. I’m grateful for a freer flow of words since facing the last set of demons head on, and discovering their fearfulness was more because of the darkness than they, themselves.
4. I’m grateful for opening my world up again after a long, dry spell.
5. I’m grateful for the people in my dance community who will always be there when I pull myself from the darkness yet again.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Change Your Own Trajectory

Overcoming Resistance to Change

The women on my mother’s side of the family are like raw eggs; a clean, unbroken wall of fragility striving desperately to protect their gelatinous, easily scrambled interior. The example each generation sets for the next is one built on illusions; strength being the biggest illusion of all.

In truth, the walls we build and the ability we seem to have for surviving everything life throws us is little more than smoke and mirrors. It’s only our hard, aggressive nature that keeps people from looking beneath the murky surface.

I grew up believing building a wall to contain emotions was how everyone lived their lives. Attacking first rather than allowing anyone to breach your flimsy defenses was the proscribed response to anything or anyone that seemed to challenge the only known way to navigate a perpetually unfriendly, unkind world.

Attracting a Better Class of Winners

Photo-simonrumi via Flikr

It was a sad, lonely existence, growing up believing I could trust no one, and if I made the mistake of letting someone get close, they were sure to hurt me in some way; including, and especially my own family. It’s no surprise I was my own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Over the years, I chose to surround myself with people whose emotional growth was as stunted as mine, and to quickly disengage if I accidentally attracted someone who wanted, and needed to give me more than I was prepared to accept, much less, give in return. More than once, I rejected kindness, compassion, and honest emotions for an angry, broken, defensive person I was more able to relate to. For years, I felt like I was addicted to abuse.

What I’ve learned since was it wasn’t so much the abuse, as the fact I’d learned to believe it was the proper way to show love. I grew up believing I had to earn my father’s love, and his disparaging, and often brutal remarks were my reward, and worse, proof of his love. I didn’t realize how ridiculous, much less, damaging my beliefs were until shortly before my dad died. Without conscious thought, I’d reached the point where I’d stopped trying to earn his love. In truth, I think my own life, and that of my daughters helped remove the blinders from my eyes.

Fanning the Flame of Self-Love

Still, it took a few more years, and another couple of traumas before I had the strength and desire to not only rip down old walls without consideration for the consequences, but to break free of generations of deeply ingrained beliefs. By then, what remained of my blood family had drifted away, busy with their own growing families, and lives. Without their influence, I was given a rare opportunity to look at the woman I’d become, and realize I didn’t like her at all.

I could have remained in that state of self-loathing. Heaven knows, I’d had enough examples throughout my life to support my beliefs. But there was a spark deep inside that refused to be quenched or ignored. Faced with two choices; a deep, dark, oily pit, or a tiny, hopeful spark, I chose what my family and upbringing would deem unthinkable. I started following the spark.

In retrospect, it would have been easier, and considerably less painful to simply slide further into the pit. But the spark offered me something new and different; acceptance, and eventually, the rarest gift of all: unconditional love.

Spark Change from Within

Granted, the dimness surrounding the spark hid the perils I’d face along the way. It prevented me seeing the skin I’d shed layer by painful layer in order to not only reach, but become the spark. Had I known then I’d have to unearth many lifetimes of impacted trauma, and endure the pain of each one, not once, but many times over, I’d have likely given up before I started.

That’s how true change happens. You don’t start with the biggest obstacle, or the most painful memory. You start with a spark promising to light the darkness through which you’ve been stumbling. In cases like mine, you have to encounter, and exorcise a plethora of demons sent to guard sameness, and prevent change before you get the reward of a little more light, and a clearer path. You have to fight the battles you ignored for too long before you can open your heart to kinder, gentler possibilities.

I was taught to believe the worst of everyone; to expect mistreatment if I showed the tiniest crack in the walls around my emotions. I had to learn myself there’s a spark of human kindness in everyone. Some wear it on the outside, proudly, and generously sharing with anyone. I’ve learned in my own way, those people walked through fire themselves before they could fan their spark into a blaze.

Using Trauma to Trigger Change

Most people guard their spark, sharing it only with a trusted few. They’ve yet to learn sharing helps add more fuel to their own fire. Too many follow the path I did, guarding their spark, and burying it deep within themselves until it rarely, if ever reaches their eyes. They’re lost, cold, and stumbling in a darkness of their own making.

The lucky ones experience some kind of breakthrough that forces their hand; pushes them out of the comfy nest they’ve created behind thick, yet surprisingly unstable walls. Like me, they learn how little pressure will bring those walls down, exposing them to the harsh light of day.

In a way, my outer self blistered and burned like the skin of someone who’s spent their life indoors when they first expose themselves to the sun. But like a controlled burn to rid an area of flammable undergrowth, there were parts of me requiring forcible, and permanent removal before I could make progress towards turning my spark into a brightly burning blaze.

Being Alone is a Choice

Old beliefs and habits didn’t die easily. Belief in myself after decades of unworthiness, and believing I was unlovable had to be built from scratch, out of the ashes and rubble left after I trashed my walls beyond recognition.

Those first stumbling steps were made with neither roadmap nor support. And yet, for some reason they felt right, if only because I felt a huge, unnecessary weight had been lifted from my soul.

Help came when I needed it. First in the form of encouragement from my daughter. The efforts I made with her encouragement and support yielded the kind of friendships I’d only dreamed were possible, and only for others who were far more worthy than me.

I realize I’ve only made small inroads into old, out-dated beliefs. I’ve only saved one person from slogging through an entire life alone, unloved, and miserable. I have to believe my own Phoenix-like path will provide light, and encouragement for others who’ve felt constricted by a set of beliefs and values that never fit right; never felt right, and made for a miserable, inhumane existence for untold generations.

Grateful for the Fires that Tempered Me

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for all the factors which combined to force me out of my self-made pit of darkness.
2. I’m grateful for the love and support I’ve attracted since I learned to step out as my authentic, vulnerable self.
3. I’m grateful for continued opportunities to step outside my comfort zone and become an even better version of myself.
4. I’m grateful for the people who’ve taken time to assure me I’m not alone in my struggles, or my triumphs.
5. I’m grateful for abundance; love, joy, challenges, opportunities, happiness, friendship, community, family, peace, health, harmony, balance, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Namaste

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author