Holiday Ho Hums

The Holidays are Here?

Here it is, the holidays again. My happy, happy, joy, joys have left the building. It’s not that I’m sad or depressed. I’m just bored of all the hoop-la…except for the decorations lighting up my neighborhood. I love those, and am going to miss them once Hallowthanksmas is behind us once again. It’s been a hoot taking my almost-daily 3-mile walks and checking out what the neighbors have added since the last time.

But despite snowmen, penguins, polar bears, Santas, Grinches, and more, I’ve failed to acquire even a touch of holiday spirit this year. The few gifts I bought for the grands were shipped weeks ago. I did have a lovely lunch with a friend with whom I exchanged gifts (eventually, I’ll get a picture of the beautiful water bottle she had made for me with an adorable picture of Scrappy Doo and Artemis).

It’s not really even about the gifts though. Work has been extra busy of late, both with end of the year activities, and a software implementation, so my focus isn’t even on it being a holiday other than the fact I’ll get a couple of days to work without interruption while the rest of the staff celebrates with family and friends. I have no real plans for the next couple of weeks other than work, volunteering, and my usual round of chores and errands.

Honoring Traditions

Granted, I’ll pull out my menorah and start lighting candles Christmas night, and I need to decide which establishment I’ll order my traditional Jewish Christmas Eve dinner from, to eat while watching more sappy movies. But there are times I actually do miss those crazy years…those trying to stretch a dollar while covering our gift list years when my kitchen was a frenzy of baking and gift boxes for a couple of weeks. I do not, however, miss the office Christmas parties; more a command performance than anything else, shared with people I had no commonalities with.

All in all, it’s kind of a mixed bag this year. There are things I miss from prior years, and those I’m glad I no longer revisit. I didn’t even party with my dance community this year, for reasons which I’ve belaboured in other posts, so won’t reiterate here. I love the friends I will be sending well-wishes too, and the kitties who snuggle with me whenever I’m not working, running errands, or doing chores.

Max has woven himself into the fabric of the inside community despite still needing to wear his cone until all potential areas for him to lick back open have healed up. Ishtar only hisses at him and his weird get-up occasionally now, but the boys have completely accepted him. It does leave Sable outside by herself, but she doesn’t go far, and can often be found right outside the kitchen door waiting for her share of attention, or a meal. Even the raccoons seem to have cut back on their nocturnal food runs.

Maybe it’s Too Quiet?

There’s an odd sort of feeling of anticipation, though heaven knows what might be on my horizon right now. Holiday high jinks are at an all-time low this year. Aside from the decorations and the holiday movies, they could almost pass without my notice. Without ballet or regular dance nights, I’ve settled into a kind of fugue state, punctuated by the usual things like food runs, volunteering, laundry day, and daily walks.

I suppose it’s the quiet life I worked for years to achieve, not knowing this is what it would look like. I’m not disappointed, nor am I overjoyed. Work and volunteering give me the sense of purpose I find I still need though; more since the only ones who truly need me at this point have pointy ears, and long tails. Even that’s OK.

Enjoying Being Not Needed

As I watch people I know dealing with family issues like aging parents, or helping raise grand kids, I’m selfishly grateful I have no such demands on my time. I come and go as I please with only a couple of things actually scheduled in during the week. Yet there’s a certain emptiness to my life; to my days; as well. Being needed is definitely a double-edged sword.

For now, I’ll be grateful for the time to read, write, watch movies, and snuggle with my cats; to take those walks with my friend; to work the schedule I want to instead of one dictated by another. I have Sundays to look forward to when I get to help socialize cats and kittens so they can find their perfect, forever home. At some point, I can add in a dance night or two, a ballet class or ten, and maybe even a date with myself. The beauty of this point in my life is the options are endless. I simply need to reach out and grab one.

An Attitude of Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for this quiet, if dull holiday season.
2. I’m grateful for my walking buddy who gets me out of the house when I need it most.
3. I’m grateful for my kitties who are happy, healthy, and snuggly.
4. I’m grateful for my friends who may be few, but they’re incredible.
5. I’m grateful for the traditions I still keep.

About the Author

 

Stumbling Back to Improved Self-Care

Giving Myself the Ultimate Gift

The last couple of weeks have seen a noticeable deterioration in self-care. As is usually evident when I sink into one of my irregular depressions, the quality of care I give myself slowly disintegrates. Although I’ve remained consistent with my teeth, supplements, and daily walks, all my other healthy habits have been slipping away, one by one.

I haven’t danced in over a week. I only managed to get in one ballet class this week. I wasn’t paying attention to what or when I ate, so my weight crept back up. Even my water consumption was down to less than one 40-ounce bottle a day! Worst of all was personal hygiene. But as always happens, I woke up this morning and realized it was time, if not to end my moping, to at least take better care of myself.

As a result of returning to MyFitnessPal to track my eating yesterday, my weight was headed back in the right direction. Today was the day I jumped into the shower joyfully scrubbing away a few days of sweat and daily living, and washing my sadly neglected hair. Oddly enough, both have boosted my mood exponentially. How do I always seem to forget how washing away the daily accumulation of sweat and pollution is so therapeutic for mind, body, and spirit?

Why Deny Ourselves What We Need Most?

The funny thing about self-care is I always feel better when I do things for myself, yet, as soon as my mood swings downward, it’s the first thing I allow to slip! Talk about an exercise in self-flagellation! It’s as if I’m beating myself up for feeling sad, lonely, and unloved. Where’s the logic in that? But then, when are emotions logical?

My only explanation for the seemingly sudden return to normalcy is the prolific writing I’ve indulged in this week. With almost a blog post a day under my belt, all those pesky emotions which were entangling themselves in the labyrinth of my psyche were forcibly evicted instead of being allowed to continue to wreak havoc by creating the illusion they were monsters rather than field mice (and even my inside cats know how to eradicate field mice!). Interestingly enough, the more depressed I’m feeling, the more likely I am to turn to my best, and most constant therapist…writing.

Between taking time for myself, cat snuggles, and sappy Christmas movies (not to mention one friend who’s been keeping tabs on me, and another who leaves long, heartfelt comments on these posts), I’m slowly kicking my funk to the curb. Whether I’ll be ready to face people again in the coming week remains to be seen, but at least I’m no longer using my social distancing as an excuse to be slovenly.

Writing Therapy

It also doesn’t hurt that I’m spending less time on Facebook, and allowing myself to read a few posts on Bluesky instead. With one exception (which I summarily hid) the posts have been sweet, funny, and uplifting. Most of all, people are kind to each other, and politics as a topic is the exception…at least right now. I’ll take a zillion photos of cats, dogs, and raccoons over political zealots any day! I even saw a post there about spending 15 minutes a day on a neglected passion which caused a flutter in the part of my brain that’s been resisting going back to editing at least one of my WIPs. Maybe this will be the month?

I’m now looking forward with anticipation rather than trepidation to a Thanksgiving far different from anything I’ve known, with a group of people where I may only know 2. It also involves driving for close to an hour each way through canyons where GPS signals can get spotty (I learned the hard way to keep a printed copy of the directions handy for that moment when the signal drops. But at least the media center on my new car will alert me when/if that happens now). I’m even entertaining the possibility Christmas won’t be the lonely, bleak affair it’s been in years past.

Letting Go for all the Right Reasons

Disenchantment with the community I’ve identified with for so long may be just the nudge I needed to step away from the dubious comfort it’s provided for the last couple of decades. Since I feel like a stranger to the people I know best (if I truly ever knew them at all) it makes it easier to entertain the possibility of allowing new ones to breach the thousand foot walls I’ve built around myself, even having learned to lower them at times.

They still seem to go back up far more easily than they come down. Perhaps, if nothing else, I’ve learned to fashion doors in those walls so I can offer a key to a kindred spirit if the opportunity arises.

Being open to those opportunities is a huge step in my healing journey, though learning to recognize them, and not shut down in a panic is still a work in progress. Perhaps meeting them in controlled situations where I have at least one safe person present might help me hold the door open a little longer. That glimmer of hope in my heart is definitely gaining strength!

Always Something to be Grateful For

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for light at the end of my lonely, dark tunnel.
2. I’m grateful for opportunities to step outside my comfort zone.
3. I’m grateful for realizing my comfort zone has become decidedly uncomfortable lately.
4. I’m grateful for a return to self-care, step by step.
5. I’m grateful for friends who haven’t given up on me, despite my dark moments.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Breathing Into Upcoming Changes

Signs of Impending Change

My stomach is in knots. I can’t seem to settle for longer than 2 minutes. I’m forcing myself to focus on things I planned to do with some success. I know massive changes are coming into my life now, and in some ways I’m ready. In others, I’m terrified; mostly because I have no idea what those changes are, or how they’ll impact my life. I keep reminding myself to breathe into the changes, and above all, stay out of my own way. I’ve navigated the upheavals before, and always find myself in a better place once the dust settles. Still, my knee-jerk reaction is to worry, and to try to control the outcome.

Meditating right now is an exercise in futility. My mind is going at warp speed, and refuses to settle on anything; not my breathing, nor my cats’ purrs. Every time I try, it shoots off in yet another direction, trying to figure out what’s coming. I know I’m probably better off not knowing , if for no other reason than I’d probably try to take control despite knowing it’s futile to try. Beating my head against a brick wall isn’t something I do willingly, but trying to direct the coming changes is too close for comfort.

I also know I’m not alone, being caught in this maelstrom of unidentifiable change. There are others equally adrift; travelers on a new journey as yet unrevealed. But any connections I make right now will be fleeting. We’re on separate, distinct journeys, unique to the people we are, and the places in our own journeys we’re at in this moment in time. If I wait a little longer; stand silently solo in my frustration and confusion, those who will be traveling with me when the wheel turns will be revealed.

Curbing Impatience To Heal

Patience has never been my strong suit. The Universe constantly challenges me to improve my skills, but progress is slow; painstaking; negligible. But progress has been made. I’m a trifle less impatient than I was a decade ago. Meanwhile, I talk to the safe person the Universe has put in my path. We share our struggles and our successes; the steps forward, and the inevitable ones backward to regroup when we stumble. Such is the process called “healing”. There’s no direct route through, but only steps forward and backward as we search for stable ground.

On rare occasions, it’s a boat ride on a calm river. Mostly, it’s trying to navigate a landslide with little more than a snow disc. Still, we always arrive safely at the bottom of the latest upheaval, a little more bruised; a little better for the experience, and another layer or two exposed for healing. That is the true purpose of this soul journey; to peel away layers and heal them. Yet, at times like now, it seems like my own, slow but steady progress is irritating the Universe, which takes matters into its own hands and flings us, willy nilly, off the precipice into a situation where the layers seem to be ripped from the psyche in chunks rather than layers; exposed for the world to see, and for us to deal with in the moment before yet another chunk of old, unexpressed emotions is torn away, exposing rawer, less protected feelings and traumas which have been hiding behind old trauma responses and wounds.

I guess that’s where the trepidation comes in for me right now. I’m feeling like a huge amount of healing is going to be expected of me in a brief moment in time. The Universe might think I’m ready; that I’ve amassed the necessary tools, but my inner child is freaking terrified she won’t be able to handle the inevitable pain.

Breathe in. Breath out.

So I’m reminding myself (and you, if you’re experiencing similar feelings) to breathe in and breathe out; to refuse to give in to the anticipation which is always worse than what actually comes forth; to allow the changes to happen however chaotic the process might be. Embrace the chaos. Allow the unknown to expose itself, be it bit by bit, or in a volcanic storm. Previous experiences, lessons, and healing have created the necessary tools. Above all, you and I have survived and thrived after each of the lessons we’ve been given. We’re not done yet. With everything we heal, we grow stronger and more capable.

We may not know what’s coming, but we know what the outcome will be. We will make it through the impending storm of change; stronger, smarter, more connected, more compassionate, and more capable. Believe it. Own it. Allow it.

Today’s mantra is: Accept…Allow.

Grateful for Everything the Universe Sends Me

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my safe person.
2. I’m grateful for the changes I’ve instigated myself, and the ones yet to come. I may not know where I will land, but I know I will land safely.
3. I’m grateful for learning I can’t fight change, and am foolish to try.
4. I’m grateful for those who’ve journeyed with me thus far, and will be with me on the next leg.
5. I’m grateful for my own internal warning signs. They remind me to stay calm so I can more safely ride the waves of change.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Release Old Pain to Motivate Change

Pain is a Lousy Security Blanket

Photo-John O’Beirne via Flikr

Wherever you are on your life journey, you’ve likely experienced pain on more than one occasion. Most of it is probably minor stuff; a splinter in your finger, stubbed toe, or a minor burn from touching a hot pan or dish. The event is quickly forgotten even if the lesson remains, helping you prevent similar mishaps in the future.

If you’re a member of the Order of Perpetual Klutziness like me, you may have acquired so many bumps and bruises as to be inured to minor pains. It takes more than bumping into walls or furniture to get your attention. Nothing short of excessive amounts of blood, or a curse-worthy injury will slow your helter-skelter charge through life. Even then, you can probably offer a list of the times you’ve patched yourself up and gone on without missing a beat. Your list of mystery bruises could fill a wall in your house with the mosaic of their mysterious shapes, and myriad colors.

For the most part, these relatively minor, though painful moments have done little to change the trajectory of your life. That’s the purview of the more lingering, and deeply impacted events; broken bones, major blood lettings, torn muscles, and the like. But it’s also where the unrelenting, visceral pain resides. There, the demons you call trauma hide in dark corners, daring you to drag them out into the light to face them head on; to revisit the terror, the misery, the deep emotional pain they represent, and promising more pain in the process.

Halt Anticipation to Heal

While facing the minor injuries, and even lesser traumas may be no worse than ripping off a bandage, the deeper, darker experiences grow larger than life the longer we allow them to remain buried. Yet, like the cast on your leg, and the subsequent physical therapy, you can both heal the damage, and use the experience to your advantage.

Anticipation can be both a blessing and a curse. If you’re waiting for something wonderful to happen; a trip to Disneyland; a wedding; a birth, anticipation might make you hyperactive, and mess with your sleep until the special day arrives. If the anticipated event fills you with dread; a court date; a big exam; a job interview, you’re more likely to feel sick to your stomach, your heart might race whenever you think about it, and you could feel distracted and out of sorts.

Dealing with old hurts, and  past traumas can begin as anticipation of something unpleasant, which too often means you put it off indefinitely, or until something happens to force your hand. In many ways, your mind thinks it’s protecting you when, in reality, it’s allowing the dread to grow, the fear to magnify, and the trauma to grow exponentially by attaching itself to other pain-filled events from your past.

Take Control of The Pain

I can tell you from experience that allowing everything to smoulder inside while you keep slapping a lid on the pot is not your best option. If that pot is allowed to boil over, it won’t come at an opportune time, and could destroy a lot of other progress you’ve made.

Unhealed trauma is as volatile and indifferent to anything in its path as the lava from a recently erupted volcano. Once it’s passed, you’ll not only have the original trauma to face and heal, but the more recent damage it wrought when the decision to release some pressure was left to the whims of your demons.

Yes, facing the old pain; the old fears is hard. Re-experiencing long-buried emotions isn’t a happy, fun-filled journey. Taking the first step can feel like you’ve been standing in the path of a runaway train, and gotten caught on its grill, if not dragged underneath.

The lack of control you feel is as much an illusion as believing you could keep the pain stuffed down inside you forever. The first step is definitely a doozie, but I promise, it does get better.

Feeling the Emotional Pain

Photo – Bev Sykes via Flikr

It begins with admitting you haven’t allowed yourself to express the emotions attached to the event or circumstance, and giving yourself permission to do so. Sure, it’s hard to re-live the pain, but until you do, you can’t let it go; you can’t stop allowing it to dominate your life. You can’t open the door to releasing the pain, fear, and misery encapsulated in a single event, nor everything that’s attached itself because of those unexpressed, and unreleased emotions.

Past trauma, whether your own experiences, or those passed down by your ancestors is like a snowball rolling downhill, gathering more and more snow as it rolls until it becomes a monster big enough to block out the sun, or flatten anything in its path. You have to remove its power by halting the momentum. The only way to do that is to face not only what it represents, but how it’s impacted your life and decisions.

One of the worst methods for dealing with trauma is by creating coping mechanisms. Rarely do you create them consciously. Your mind throws a protective barrier around you which impacts every action and decision thereafter. They cause you to avoid opportunities because of a past hurt that may or may not have anything in common with your current situation. They leave you living in a falsely insulated world where you build a world of regrets instead of triumphs.

Start Slow, and Work Your Way Up

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t recommend starting with the worst of your traumas in order to get the ball rolling on releasing old pain, emotions, and coping mechanisms. If you have the choice, it’s easier, and less stressful to begin with more recent events, and slowly trace them back emotion by emotion. Unfortunately for most people, that option is rarely possible because it’s often a combination of human nature, and lifelong training to stuff things down inside and soldier on.

In my own healing journey, I’ve set an intention to help dispel the false notion that talking about a trauma, or fear, and sharing the emotion is bad. The best thing I ever did was to start talking about my more recent traumas, and start working my way backwards.

Sure, I spent an inordinate amount of time along the way sobbing into my pillow and swearing I couldn’t take another step forward. But with each step I took, and every honest emotion I shared, I gained support from others who, themselves had experienced, and buried their trauma and the associated emotions. Like me, they needed a safe place to drag their feelings; often kicking and screaming, out into the light of day where they were less frightening, if only for being visible.

Taming the Monster in the Closet

Photo-moonjazz via Flikr

The monster in the closet is only scary because you can’t see him, and don’t know when he might pounce. The same is true of old trauma, and emotions you haven’t allowed yourself to feel, and release. The anticipation of facing them is far worse than actually dragging them out, looking them in the eye, and allowing them to run a natural course.

Tears are healing. Sometimes you need a good screaming match. Others, it might be an open, honest conversation with yourself when you realize what you feared wasn’t the emotion, but the anticipation. The emotion itself isn’t any more terrifying than a feisty kitten with its teeny, tiny claws out, and teeth bared.

So take the first step. Pull out one emotion that’s been impacting your choices, and holding you back. Face it. Address it. Feel it one more time, then let it go. Life’s a dance. Each step you take gets easier for what you learned from the last few.

Grateful For Every Step On My Healing Journey

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for all the emotions I’ve felt, the pain I’ve released, and the wounds I’ve healed.
2. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned that allow me to continue be open, honest, and vulnerable as I continue to work my way back through past traumas.
3. I’m grateful for the wonderful, supportive community I’ve built by opening up, and allowing myself to feel; to go against my family’s ingrained, and debilitating beliefs.
4. I’m grateful for a kinder, gentler, more compassionate me.
5. I’m grateful for abundance; love, joy, healing, friendship, community, opportunities, motivation, inspiration, dedication, happiness, peace, balance, harmony, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Namaste

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author