Being OK With Not Being OK

Being Broken Isn’t a Bad Thing

I recently heard a promo for Jelly Roll’s new song “I’m Not OK”. At the time it really disturbed me, though I’m not exactly a stranger to that feeling. The song is raw and emotional, but also hopeful. Though I’ve since switched to listening to Pandora when I drive so it’s no longer on my playlist, the song left a mark on my psyche, in the same way Rascal Flatts’ song “Why” did the first time I really listened to the words.

The truth is, it took me a long time to figure this concept out, yet I still struggle with it when I’m feeling less than the positive, upbeat self I prefer to project these days. There’s still that little voice inside me cautioning me to keep my guard up, and never let people see I’m struggling. Most of all, I should never, ever cry anywhere except alone in the safety and isolation of my own, four walls. Of course, I’ve since learned the voice is wrong…at least partially.

I’ve learned that vulnerability is not a weakness, but a strength yet there are times and places to be completely vulnerable and authentic, and others where a certain degree of caution is warranted. I’m also learning when someone accuses me of not allowing myself to be vulnerable, it might not be my walls and protections at all. It might be their own which prevent them from seeing the real me I work hard to project since I learned it’s the more attractive version. Still, I take it to heart when someone tells me, essentially, my efforts to be a more vulnerable, approachable me are falling on deaf ears.

What Other People Think of Me Ain’t My Business

It does baffle me that people might recognize I’m not OK, yet still believe I lack vulnerability. Believe me, in my strong, silent days, no one, and I do mean no one ever saw me break down. I literally disappeared, both physically, and inside myself long before I’d allow anyone to see me in what I’d been taught was a weak state. At times, it took every ounce of energy I had to maintain the facade, but I was raised to believe showing a crack in my mask was an invitation for disaster and abuse.

It took me decades to understand being taught that lesson was a much more insidious form of abuse, as it deprived me of any real, healthy love. It kept me from acquiring the tools I still feel I lack; the ones which allow me to connect with others.

I’m still learning how people perceive me isn’t necessarily the result of my own actions. It comes from their own experiences and expectations. By now, I should know better. If I watch the people someone seems most comfortable interacting with, I will see a pattern. If I don’t fit that pattern, or in fact, make them feel uncomfortable, I shouldn’t be surprised to learn they perceive me contrary to what I’m putting out. If I wasn’t receiving a lot of validation from other people as to both my positive energy and my ability to project vulnerability as well, I might be questioning myself right now. After taking a few steps back from the situation, I realize I may not be completely OK right now, but overall, I’m in darn good shape given where I’ve been, how I was raised, and the challenges I’ve overcome.

Delight in Being a Work in Progress

Yes, I’ll continue working through this edition of “I’m not OK right now”, but I’m doing it with a lighter, less encumbered heart, realizing other peoples’ perceptions are just that; their perceptions. They have no bearing on my own reality, even if the revelation hurts for a moment. I haven’t failed at all just because not everyone is able or willing to see the softer self I’m sending out into the world these days.

What I’m trying to say here is, don’t allow the perceptions of others to make you believe you’re not doing OK, at least in some parts of your life. Don’t allow them to convince you your efforts are in vain. Just because someone can’t see the effort your making, and how far you’ve come doesn’t mean you haven’t made that progress. Know, instead, they are not now, and will never be part of your true tribe. They aren’t now, and never will be someone who sees your inner beauty, and supports you as you deserve to be supported.

Relegate them to the category “friendly acquaintances” where you expect nothing, and let them continue to see what they want to see. Anything more is a losing battle, and effort wasted in the wrong direction anyway. You deserve people who will say things like: “I know you’re not OK right now, but come anyway, and we can be cranky together!”

Always Grateful for Challenges, Setbacks, and Successes

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for people who love me even when I’m wearing my cranky pants.
2. I’m grateful for the people who do recognize my efforts to be both positive and vulnerable.
3. I’m grateful for learning to take the time to be not OK, and get the latest bout out of my system to clear the way for better days.
4. I’m grateful for my writing which, in the last few days, has done a great deal towards getting me out of my latest slump.
5. I’m grateful for new friends.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.