Writing Through Another Rut

Writing Out My Frustration

In the interest of writing more often, I’m starting this post though I have little wisdom to impart on this cloudy day. It seems my mind is equally cloudy, my focus on getting a few chores done and attempting to trim my cats’ nails. So far, I’ve managed to trim all the nails on Pyewacket’s front paws so he got treats. Lazarus made it through all but the dew claw on one paw, so he’s treat adjacent. Ishtar fought like mad so I’ll need to get my friend to help while I hold her. She requires at least 3 hands! As for the rest, we’ll see if I can wrangle them with help as well.

I’ve been putting off vacuuming the sofas as I wanted to trim nails while they weren’t traumatized, but I may have to put the vacuuming first so I can protect the sofas. The cats were especially bad last night, though I’m pretty sure it had something to do with their being low on dry food. Funny how priorities change as events beyond my immediate control unfold.

Life is a lot like my ongoing battle with cats, claws, and sofas. Sometimes, the plans you make work well the first time around, but more often than not, you have to stop, step back, regroup, rethink the plan, and move forward with the revised plan…repeat as many times as necessary to reach your goal. Of course, many times, the goal has changed by the time you get a workable plan, which, as you’d expect, requires more plan revisions.

Trial and Error Approach to Life’s Ruts

I don’t see this trial-and-error process as a bad thing. Each trial is the result of something we learned from earlier ones. Even when the goal moves, it’s because we learned something in trying to reach the original goal which caused us to revise what we wanted to achieve. The beauty of life is we get to update our plans and goals as often as we want, and as long as we’re revising, we’re learning things. It’s only when you either give up on a goal, or worse, settle, that you curtail the learning process.

I’ve mentioned a time or two my biggest fear is stagnation. Getting stuck in one spot for too long makes me twitchy, and if not given a goal or a plan to revise and re-try, I’m liable to start self-sabotaging simply to make things change. Not an optimal place to be, I assure you. I’ve thrown myself back dozens of paces when I either felt I had no control over plan or goal (which is never the case if you accept the fact there are times progress will be smaller), or got frustrated by minuscule progress.

If I feel like I’ve fallen into a rut, I may wallow in it for a few days (more if I feel obligated to stay for one reason or another), but eventually, I’ll bust myself out one way or another. After decades of shooting myself in the foot, I’ve finally come to recognize when I’m frustrated due to lack of progress. Catching the problem sooner rather than later means I can formulate a plan for climbing out of the latest rut instead of blowing up the whole building. In some cases, I wish I’d learned this sooner, but I also see, in the grand scheme of things, blowing things up was necessary, if painful, at the time.

Change vs. Stagnation

Sure, I’m still change-averse in some areas of my life. I’ve lived in the same house for over 40 years. It needs some work, but even that is hard to wrap my head around, and actually invest time and money into making happen. Granted, there are areas I could change with either more knowledge, or some assistance. I’m becoming more open to both, but am still working on finding a direction I can commit to.

Committing is another area where I’ve struggled over the years. I’m fine as long as my various needs are met, but once I feel stuck, I tend to require a solution which gives me, if not immediate results, measurable, consistent ones. Otherwise, I revert to old coping mechanisms, and yes…blow something up. The trouble is, once I begin to self-sabotage, I’m like a fast-moving train on a track heading down a steep mountain with malfunctioning brakes. Looking back over the last year or two, I see a few instances where I’d had enough of doing the same things, and getting the same results, and blew up a few friendships (albeit, in hindsight, dubious ones), a job, and even some healthy habits I’ve since reinstated.

Admittedly, everything I’ve blown up actually needed, if not to be blown up, at least to have me moving away, and moving on. I’m beginning to believe I thrive on the spectacular, given how many explosions I’ve set off in my life…especially recently. I may claim to want a peaceful, quiet, drama-free life, but my actions belie my words over and over again.

Reverting to Peace and Quiet

Yet once the dust clears from my latest conflagration, I once again settle into that peaceful, quiet, drama-free life I profess to crave…until boredom sets in again. I’m honestly not sure if I’m my own worst enemy, or best friend, given the roller coaster ride of a life I seem to perpetuate. I am beginning to realize when I find myself following something or someone “everyone” loves, a little voice inside me starts whispering words of discontent in my ear.  I’m seldom content being a follower over the long-term. I don’t need to be the leader or influencer. I just need to be my own, unique, often lone-wolfish person. Is that too much to ask?

At the moment, I’m an outsider wherever I go…a recognized one, but belonging nowhere; with no one. I know it’s a temporary state, but in its own way, it’s another rut, and one I’ve put myself into. I don’t want to go back to where I was, in any of the scenarios I’ve left, but I’m not yet sure where I do want to go, and so, I flounder.

I suspect the road ahead is covered in fog for a reason, though I’ve yet to fathom what it might be. I also know it will start clearing once I’ve learned what I need to to go on, or changed what needs to be changed in order to attract what I need to attract in so I can set a new goal, and begin making plans to reach it. Until then, I’m writing more regularly, and who knows? That might be part of the new plan. I’m also spending more time on self-care which is helping minimize the pain from my herniated discs until I can start PT. That’s never a bad thing, if you ask me.

I do know the Universe always has my back, and a plan. Fighting it is futile, and exhausting. For now, I’m imagining myself in a rowboat, lying back and staring at the sky as I drift effortlessly downstream. I’ll know what it’s time to sit up, grab the oars, and put some effort into my velocity and direction…but the time isn’t quite here yet.

Grateful for Whatever Path I’m On

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning to trust the Universe implicitly.
2. I’m grateful for all the structures and strictures I’ve exploded spectacularly.
3. I’m grateful for being goal-less at the moment. It means I can head off in any direction I want.
4. I’m grateful for the wheels that are turning; moving me to the place from which I’ll be embarking on my next adventure.
5. I’m grateful for my writing which keeps me relatively sane when I’m directionless.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.

Motivation is Yours for the Asking

Motivation Begins With Mindset

Photo-John O’Beirne via Flikr

Wanting to start the week out more motivated, I listened to a 30 minute video about a writing challenge. I’m not sure it’s for me, but why not give it a try? At first glance, it sounds like it’s going to be more about outlining, which isn’t my normal pattern, and often feels too inhibiting, but it’s all about opening my mind to new ideas; new techniques. If nothing else, it might help me break through the latest set of barriers to completion of my novels and memoir.

I tend to let my stories and characters develop on their own. I know some authors like Jacqueline Carey, who writes the Kushiel novels keeps her characters on a very tight rein. I admire her ability to do that, as mine simply do not want, or need to stay in the tight confines of my imagination.

Meanwhile, I have new kitties who are even more demanding than Pye, Mulan, and Scrappy, at least at the moment. Perhaps they’ll settle a bit once they’ve gotten used to my routine, but we’ll see. Lazarus loves jumping in my lap, but won’t stay there for long periods of time, which suits both of us. Ishtar likes to get in everyone’s face, then go off and sleep for awhile before resuming her demands.

Training the Untrainable

Photo-CoolW0wzer via Flikr

In a way, I think my motivation and imagination are like cats; willful, demanding, and untrainable. I’ve learned over time the best thing to do is invite everyone to play, then stand back and let them figure out the rules and the roles. When I’m at my pantser best, the words flow on the page like a thaw-swollen river. I navigate the rocks in my mental waterway the same way I traverse any other part of the river bed, carving new paths out of the banks without slowing, or disturbing the raging waters.

It isn’t that I don’t know how to outline a story. I used the technique often enough during high school and college to write essays and papers. As they’re all long gone now, I have no way of knowing if the writing flowed, or was as constricted as the outline; staying on point without embellishment or color. At the time, I didn’t have to worry about color, or even about entertaining the reader. It was merely a matter of imparting knowledge I’d gained, covering and supporting all pertinent points, and reaching a conclusion.

Perhaps that technique would get my memoir finished though. There are a lot of facts ensconced in memories and recollections. Getting them into some kind of organized schedule might help me put the chapters back together in an order that won’t make the reader dizzy with random topic changes.

Writing vs. Speaking

Photo-istolethetv via Flikr

Early on, I was told to write the way I speak. The trouble is, ADD brain speaks all over the place. Though the individual chunks might be cohesive, the overall picture is more of an impressionist painting than a landscape. I might unconsciously choose friends who can follow my non-linear train of thought, but expecting everyone who buys my books, or reads my blog to do the same is short-sighted at best.

Perhaps an outline might limit the number of times I go through 70- to 110,000 words, rewriting, re-organizing, and revising. Heaven knows, I’ve rewritten “Sasha’s Journey” a few times already, and “Rebuilding After Suicide” more than that. I’ve yet to finish “Hannah’s Chair”, and “A Dubious Gift” is a completed draft, but little else.

Meanwhile, my mind teems with new ideas, but I can’t seem to allow myself to pursue them until the albatross around my neck, “Rebuilding After Suicide”, is through the latest rewrite, and ready for the next step on the long road to publication. Yet, in some ways, I’m stuck in a rut that says I should finish it first, partly in my own head, and partly because so many people have told me it’s a story that needs to be shared.

The Dreaded Shoulds

I suspect the key ingredient to forward progress right now is giving myself permission to let go of the shoulds, and work on what truly inspires me, brings me joy, and makes me want to put my fingers to the keys with no other motivation than the bliss of seeing a story unfold beneath my fingers.

By the time this post publishes, I’ll have completed the afore-mentioned 5-day writing challenge, but a different sort from those I’ve done before. I may have even taken the plunge, and signed up for coaching, if only to get myself into better habits.

The coach I’m considering brought up the subject of “decision fatigue”. I thought I hadn’t heard of it until she mentioned judges accepting and rejecting parole requests. It made me aware of the rabbit holes I go down each and every day, starting with looking at emails first thing, and flowing over a few boulders into the Social Media sink hole.

Revising Morning Habits

Photo-Kevin Dooley via Flikr

Though I doubt I’ll get to the point where I don’t at least glance at my phone in the morning, I think I could once again rearrange my schedule so I write first, and check email and social media second, or maybe fifth. To be honest, there’s no clear cut reason to engage with the world the minute I have coffee and breakfast in front of me. I could put it off until after lunch quite easily.

Sure, it would mean posting my daily gratitudes and Facebook Live later in the day, which isn’t a bad thing. It would also allow some of those crazy dreams I have to hit the page before they drift off to find a more amenable recipient for the inspiration they impart. Heaven knows, I wake often enough thinking a dream would make a good story, but it’s long gone by the time I sit down to write something other than emails and social media posts.

Lately, I’ve felt things shifting. My world as it is no longer excites or inspires me, yet the rut I’m in has taken on the consistency of quicksand. Now, I see someone extending a board for me to pull myself up on, and break free  from the mire. It’s becoming clearer in my mental vision; a lifeline out of the soul sucking sameness I’ve allowed  my life to become over the last few months.

Ruts Are Mental Sink Holes of Inaction

It begins to make sense why I’m sleeping more, and having a tougher time finding the motivation to do anything, from scrubbing floors or unpacking boxes, to writing every day for at least a half hour. The status of my blog queues sinks further into the sunset as I struggle to keep even 2 weeks ahead.

I know it’s not lack of inspiration, given the increasing insanity of my dreams. It’s not lack of understanding for the process. I know motivation will come if I put my fingers on the keys and type whatever words are flowing across the movie screen in my head at any given time. Even if what comes out is crap and drivel, I always go back in a few hours, or a day and edit what came out.

The question often comes up; “what would you do even if you didn’t get paid for it?” My answer is always the same: Write. I’ve been selling myself short for too long. It’s time to weed out all the excuses, subterfuges, and time sucks I’ve allowed to choke out my garden, and evict them once, and for all.

Gratitude Each and Every Day

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for people who come into my life exactly when I need them.
2. I’m grateful for messages that keep beating on me until I wake up and heed them.
3. I’m grateful for people who help me release old paradigms, outdated beliefs, and things contributing to a poor self-image.
4. I’m grateful for another day to do what I love, alone, and with the people I love.
5. I’m grateful for abundance; inspiration, motivation, action, determination, help, support, dreams, goals, energy, health, harmony, peace, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Namaste

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author