Releasing What No Longer Serves

Time to Release the Past

This has been an interesting year; a year of change, and a year of letting go of who and what no longer serves me. As such, there’s been a fair amount of upheaval and a lot of uncertainty. Where I’ll be going, and with whom are the biggest uncertainties I face now. Though when I stopped chasing what wasn’t working, several appeared as if by magic, though I know they were simply waiting for me to notice they’d been there the whole time. They’re the ones who understand sometimes I need time, and room to process. They give me space, and don’t push when I say I’m working it out. They’re the ones I actually will turn to for help if I find myself stuck in a holding pattern too long.

I’m not a clock or a toaster. I don’t need someone to pick me up and fix me when I’m running around erratically. I need to be left alone to slog through the latest swamp I’ve wandered into when I wasn’t paying attention. Eventually I’ll emerge, water dripping off me in muddy waves, with reeds tangled in my hair. I may not have figured out which direction I want to head next yet, but I’ll certainly have figured out where I don’t want to go. Sometimes, that’s far more helpful, since it knocks a few options off the list.

So I’m releasing my stranglehold on people, places and things which are unable to honor my need to chew on things for awhile before I’m ready to talk about them; who take my silence personally when they should be grateful I’m taking the time to put things into perspective instead of haring off in any old direction, blasting down walls, and burning bridges to smoldering piles of cinders. I often need time to work through my naturally reactive self; to calm her down and let her see most of the mountains she’s attacking are little more than mole hills, easily kicked aside; and to put down the blow torch, engaging, instead, her infrequently used patience.

Lessons Can Get Messy

I’ve learned a lot this year; who I can truly trust with my messy, complicated self; where I still need to work on responding rather than reacting; and the many places I’m still in the process of healing which are still so easily triggered. I’ve spent a lot of time circling back when something I thought I’d healed has a flare-up.

Most of all, I’ve learned I don’t need to keep being patient with people who only show me their masks and facades, and think I don’t recognize the difference between real and fake. Trust me, my Empath/Spidey sense knows the difference because fake doesn’t feel good to me at all.

I especially appreciate people who can disagree with me without making it an “I’m right and your wrong” scenario. We can see things differently without right or wrong ever entering the conversation. Our life experiences conspire to make us see things from a different perspective. Often, sharing our different perspectives in a non-confrontational, non-self-pitying manner opens our eyes to other possibilities. Anything else tends to annoy me, and throw up my own walls because I know I’m not going to get an actual discussion.

A Smaller, Stronger Circle

While I appreciate a good performance, another sure way to lose me is to dial up the drama. But I suppose that goes hand in hand with showing up in full costume, with the mask firmly in place. The intention is clearly to engage and sway an audience, not communicate on a level playing field. There are plenty of people out there who prefer the performer to the authentic. Being an audience rather than a participant is safer and easier. I’ve always been the one to take the hard road.

I’m also releasing those who see me as B of A or Amazon Prime. I’ve closed those doors while working on taking better care of myself and yes, treating myself to a few more nice things than I have in the past.

Sure, it means my circle has become significantly smaller, but I’ll always choose quality over quantity; authentic over pretend. I talked a good game for awhile, as I learned to embrace my own authenticity and vulnerability. It’s an amazing place once you get there, but the road can be treacherous and scary as hell. Part of the journey lies in knowing you can step back and regroup whenever you want, and in identifying the people you can safely ask for help when you need it.

My road looks a lot different now than it did at the beginning of the year, but I’ve cleared a lot of land, and flowers are starting to emerge from what had become a rather stark vista for a little while.

Grateful for the Lessons, and the Teachers

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for being able to walk alone when I can’t find my true companions.
2. I’m grateful for accepting my own way of doing things, and sticking to my guns even if someone’s feelings are hurt by my process.
3. I’m grateful for the people who can share their perspective with in a constructive manner.
4. I’m grateful for a continuing flow of writing material. (I was sure I wouldn’t get a post written tonight!)
5. I’m grateful for a small but mighty community of authentic, vulnerable, refreshingly real people.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Embarking on A New Journey

Time for a New Journey

Lately, I’ve been feeling like a left shoe in a room full of right feet in all my usual hangouts. Any connection I might have felt before seems to have been severed, leaving me there, and yet, outside an invisible barrier; participating, talking, and even laughing at times, but somehow, missing the actual joke. My journey is shifting to another plane; another dimension; another direction whether I’m on board with it or not. I actually felt more comfortable at a venue where the only familiar face was the DJ!

It’s not that anyone is deliberately excluding me, or making me feel like I’ve stepped outside and found the door locked behind me while I gaze longingly through the window at the happy, connected people. I’m just realizing I’m no longer content with being a moon circling someone else’s planet. I want, and need a planet where I’m a full and complete part of the community and culture even if I don’t really know what that feels like right now. The only thing I do know is I need to pick up my rucksack and get back on the road after a long, lonely hiatus.

Letting the Dreams Lead the Way

I’ve had dreams lately where I stopped going to the usual places where nearly everybody knows my name, instead opting to drive a little further to dance where I wasn’t known at all. I actually made the dream a reality last night, and though I sat out all the easy dances to save my ADD brain from making a fool of me, I did get to dance several of my favorites on an almost empty dance floor (5-10 other people max) for the first time in forever! Instead of playing off the energy of the other dancers, I got to simply be in my dancing; in my dance meditative state in a way I haven’t felt comfortable being in far too long.

Even crazier, I wasn’t the first one there, and stayed considerably later than I usually do these days. I only left by about 10 because I had a longer than usual drive on a canyon road which required my full attention to navigate safely, so I needed to be wide awake for the 30 minute or so drive home. Even that was a welcome change from the 10- or 15-minute hop down the freeway.

Wherever the Changes Lead

Changes are happening in my life more quickly than I’d anticipated. I’m loving the new blinds in my living room, kitchen, and bedroom, and the additional privacy they afford both by replacing broken ones, and installing actual window coverings in my kitchen for the first time since I bought this house in 1981! I’ve picked out a new sofa and loveseat, but am vacillating over spending a large chunk of change, even though I can easily afford it, and above all, know I deserve to spend the money on something that will make me, and me alone happy.

While the new car is warring with deciding whether to pay off the small first mortgage on my house now that it’s the only encumbrance left, I know by November, I’ll likely have done one, if not both. Several years ago, I started setting myself an annual intention to pay off the loans on the house. I may not have succeeded in prior years, but I kept setting the intention. This year, I’ve achieved half of that goal by paying off the HELOC, which was the larger of the two. Now, I know I need to let go of a weird kind of security blanket in the form of the first mortgage. In it’s own way, it’s a roadblock on the new journey which is unfolding.

I honestly don’t know where this new road will lead, or frankly, what it even looks like from my limited vantage point. I do know it’s necessary on many levels. It’s also exciting on some levels, and terrifying on others; or so my stomach (my emotional radar system) keeps telling me. I also know I need to start acting instead of procrastinating, or the Universe will take things into its own hands and simply shove me off the precipice. From past experience, I prefer to venture into the unknown under my own power, thankyouverymuch.

Grateful for the Universal Nudges

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for a night of dancing where nobody knew my name.
2. I’m grateful for my emotional safe person who encourages me to step into the unknown, and out of the places I feel safe, but unfulfilled.
3. I’m grateful for choices I’ve made recently to follow new paths which will enrich my life, and improve my skills.
4. I’m grateful for opportunities to view my life and my journey from different angles.
5. I’m grateful for my cats who have been unusually attentive the past few days; especially Mr. Pyewacket who must have seen me write the post saying he was my familiar, and my panther dragon. He’s doing his best to live up to the name. A witch can have more than one familiar, if you ask me!

Abut the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.