Making Changes for Better or Worse

Finding Workable Change

rutThis year has been one of changes; some intentional, and some thrust upon me in the Universe’s inimitable way of forcing me out of a rut I may or may not have been aware of. What has manifested as a lack of desire to be around people is slowly evolving into a lack of interest in being around the wrong people. I realized I was, once again, trying to force myself into a box of what I perceived was someone else’s expectations, only to discover, I was on the outside looking in more often than not. Worst of all, I was failing to be authentic, and true to the most important person in my life…me.

Missed dance nights and Zoom ballet classes are only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve begun feeling uncomfortable in my own skin because the skin I was attempting to be in was confining, and stifling my breath. Walking in the fresh air became preferable to dancing in a dimly lit room where there wasn’t even a place I could sit and feel included; feel comfortable; feel like me.

I’ve strengthened my resolve to spend more time on on-demand ballet classes. While I don’t get the feedback, I do get the slower paced instruction I need right now. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do about dancing. I know I can’t eliminate it entirely. Where I’ll find a place to dance that makes me feel comfortable and included remains to be seen. All I know is, the handful of people with whom I feel comfortable, heard, and included can’t be found on a dance floor nearby with any regularity.

Retreat Isn’t Always a Step Back

As such, I’ve been retreating slowly but surely for the better part of this year. It was necessary in order to get my bearings and look at my options before re-charting my course. To be honest, I still don’t know where, or what that will be, but at least now I’m open to suggestions.

Part of the process is recognizing who I can trust with the entire, messy, perfectly imperfect conglomeration of feelings and experiences making up the unique person who is me. At the moment, that list is extremely short, and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. I’m not exactly an expert on social behavior, tending to retreat when I feel rejected or uncomfortable.

The crux of the matter is I’ve been going through some changes regarding who I truly am, and where I want to go with whatever is left of this life of mine. That confusion is more than likely coming across in my interactions with the people I’ve been around for years. Perhaps the exclusion I’m feeling is simply their discomfort in the presence of my confusion. Either that, or it’s the voices in my head saying “you don’t belong here.”

Replacing Structure with Balance

Though I have spoken a bit to my trusted few about some of my soul-searching, there are aspects I’m not ready to share, just as there are past traumas I’ve shared with no one I currently know, and frankly, have no plans to do so. Some things, I believe, are better kept locked deep, down inside sharing-wise, though dealing with the feelings in my own way still needs to happen at some point.

What I do know is I need to keep my activity level up for my own health and well-being. However, I also need to do so in an environment where I feel a lot more than just tolerated. As such, I missed a dance night, which I rarely do, not because I didn’t feel like dancing, but because I didn’t want to deal with the uncertainty of where I’d be sitting, and who I’d be sitting with. I only knew I had to make a change…when I’m ready.

My ballet classes are another area where I need the structure of regular days and times, while on the other hand, I need to work on things at my own pace rather than trying to manage body control, check lists, and remembering choreography all at the same time. The feedback I do get with live classes is no longer a strong enough motivator. Somehow, I need to self-motivate to set a regular schedule for myself with maybe one or two live classes a week.

Losing People Along the Way

I’m not the person I was a year ago. I know that. I’ve lost people along the way; my daughter, my grandchildren, people I thought were trusted friends and weren’t, and even some I trusted with too much. It’s not that I believe any of them are out to cause me harm. They’re simply not able to engage with me in the give and take necessary to keep any kind of relationship alive and healthy.

This process of change is also seeing me retreating from Facebook, and creating an account on Bluesky. I honestly don’t know right now if I’ll become active there, or simply use it as another place to share my blog posts. Only time will tell. I’m not ready to share the account, or even my presence there overtly in other places. Maybe in time. The good news is, I won’t be inclined to spend a lot of time there, as I’ve only connected with a couple of people I know so far, and I’ve yet to find anyone to follow who posts the inspirational, motivational things I love to see.

For now, I’ll let my fingers do the talking on what seems to be evolving into daily posts. Daily writing, be it here, morning pages, or something else has always been a balm to my perpetually wounded spirit. I won’t solve the problems of the world, but I’ll manage how problems both internal and external are affecting me. That’s really all I can hope to accomplish anyway.

Finding Gratitude in Chaos

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for evolution, wherever it takes me.
2. I’m grateful for deciding to make peace with myself, and going where I want to rather than where I think I need to.
3. I’m grateful for realizing I need to change my own behavior in order to attract people with the morals and ideals I want to embrace.
4. I’m grateful for allowing myself to step back and regroup before walking back into the fray with a more open heart.
5. I’m grateful for knowing some people are done with me, and for realizing that’s OK.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

The Right Amount of Vulnerable

What’s the Right Kind of Vulnerable?

I thought I was doing fairly well, allowing myself to be more vulnerable. But as they say, the proof is in the pudding. I still don’t have any truly close friends. I’m neither special to anyone, nor have anyone I feel a special connection with myself. I spent the 2 weeks post-surgery completely alone save for the person who came over to help with chores I wasn’t allowed to do, and walk with me.

Even now, when others are having their own cancer battles, I watch people reaching out to them constantly, sending group videos, or Face Timing if they’re up to it. Each case is mentioned and remembered when creating uplifting communications with the newest to succumb…except mine. Clearly, I haven’t been open and honest enough about my own experiences, or, as I’m beginning to suspect, I’m not important enough to warrant a mention. I can only assume, I failed to offer the correct quantity of vulnerability, or offered it up in the wrong container.

So I fight the fight which only began with a hysterectomy to eradicate the cancer cells. The deeper, emotional challenges are too ugly, or messy to even be considered in polite company. My vulnerability on that emotional stage is apparently creating the opposite of what I intended. Instead of allowing people to empathize, and draw closer, it’s horrifying them, and causing them to retreat even further than they already had.

Living Life on the Fringes

I’m becoming a pariah rather than a loved member of the community; tolerated rather than joyfully included. All because I never learned the rules of engagement. Despite a couple of decades spent working on myself, and healing old wounds, I’m still too much for some, and not enough for others, but I can’t tell the difference at this point.

Old habits die hard, and my tendency to retreat when I screw up is stronger than ever. At this point, if I could pull up stakes and disappear into the sunset right now, I probably would. But a plethora of books and cats, and no way to easily move them with me keeps me stuck in place for now. Funny enough, they’re also what keep me walking the fine line of my sanity.

Being overlooked is bad enough when you’re not dealing with emotional trauma, but when the core of your female-ness has been yanked out through a 3-inch slit in your belly, and no one seems to understand how emotionally devastating it’s been, it would, for a weaker woman than me, be grounds for suicide. Thankfully, there’s been enough of that in my family to take that option off the table.

A Healthy Body, if Not a Healthy Mind

I’m also thankful I’ve gotten so used to getting regular exercise, and eating better that I’m not willing to jeopardize the hard-won pounds I’ve released lately. I suspect the exercise alone is what’s keeping me on the right side of the afore-mentioned fine line. There are days I’m tempted to cancel my daily walk for no other reason than I don’t feel like it…but I never do.

It’s becoming increasingly clear I’m not going to find the right amount of vulnerability which would allow me to have and be someone special. Yes, it’s a rude awakening, but it also means I can stop putting my energy and effort into being open, honest, and vulnerable, and can go back to being my moody, lonely, stubborn self. There are advantages to knowing, in time, I’ll be out of sight long enough to also be out of mind, perhaps with a handful of exceptions.

Alone Again, Naturally

The truth is, I’m tired of being alone in a crowd; on the outside looking in. I desperately hoped for at least one person who truly wanted and needed me in their life, and who I wanted and needed in mine. That ship has sailed, and it’s time I accepted it and let myself go on, depending on no one, and stop having expectations in that direction. I’ll be happier for letting it go, and allowing myself to be a happy, little rainbow-sailed boat floating through peoples’ lives leaving barely a ripple as I pass.

I do hope other people are having more success with figuring out the right amount of vulnerability, and thereby finding their special person or people. Nobody deserves to be sad and lonely. Some of us are simply born without the tools to be any different.

Something to be Grateful for, Even in Tough Times

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for figuring out my limitations, and developing a plan to simply live with them.
2. I’m grateful for my books and my cats; they are my only constants.
3. I’m grateful for being suicide-averse. I’ll go when my time comes, and not before.
4. I’m grateful for the people who show me kindness, even if they can’t show me the kind of closeness I crave.
5. I’m grateful for this imperfect life when what I live for bears no resemblance to what others have.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.