Fear of Flying is My Albatross

Shake Off the Fear and Fly

Many people don’t try to break free of sameness because they fear failing. I’m learning that isn’t me. In fact, I’ve taken a lot of risks fearlessly without even weighing the odds, counting on my own indomitable spirit to support me through many a leap of faith. It’s when I get close to success my fears kick in, turning my stomach to a tsunami, and my nerves to high voltage wires.

Interestingly, I don’t focus on anything in particular about the ramifications of success. It seems to be a combination of factors running the gamut from fear of letting someone else down, to how success might change my life. I wouldn’t even call it fear of change, as I’d never take those leaps of faith if change caused me anxiety. Instead, I’d be like so many who cling to sameness long after stopped retaining any beneficial qualities, or even showed it was still a viable contributor to the life they envisioned.

Those butterflies and tidal waves start inhabiting my stomach at what I consider the most inopportune times:

When I’m ready to edit one of my books

When I need to submit a proposal to a new client

When I’m writing for a new publication

And many more which are hiding in the depths of my brain at the moment. I start questioning everything from whether it’s the right move for me, to my ability to deliver, to my own intelligence. I know every single argument is unfounded, and yet, the part of my mind that still seeks to convince me change is bad, and anything outside my small, insular world will bring disaster shrieks loudly in protest.

A Time to Tell My Gut to Shut Up

I’d prefer not reacting to the internal battle physically, but as a swirling stomach has long been one of my early warning devices, it’s typically the first place that reacts to a mind being dragged into madness. It gets worse when the change I’m contemplating involves someone else, and I have to wait. I’ve never been good with anticipation, and it doesn’t matter if it’s for something amazing, or something terrifying (or both). My stomach dances the same frantic jig, perhaps because I’m simply lousy at waiting for anything. I’m of the “just rip off the band-aid and be done with it” point of view.

It isn’t that I expect bad news. I truly don’t. I’d rather have an answer of no than to have to wait. But in most cases, I’d rather hear yes, and feel horribly let down when I don’t get the answer I want. Though I’ve been training myself in positive indifference for awhile now, it doesn’t mean I don’t feel let down. It doesn’t mean I don’t run all the alternate scenarios through my mind, or ask what I did wrong. If nothing else, I try to learn from the nos as well as the yeses. But it’s often harder to figure out why someone chose another person over me than it is to see why I was the one chosen.

I have learned the best way to survive the anticipation, the anxiety, and even the subsequent internal questioning is to keep busy, and in cases like this, write out those fears and anxieties. Many people experience the same feelings, and putting it out there not only helps me, but might resonate with someone else, and help them get off this merry-go-round and move forward themselves.

The Choices You Make

“Forward” is relative, too. At any point in time you stand at a crossroads where there are several options as to where to travel next. Each will take you in a different direction from which you might or might not be able to return. Yet in most cases, you can always return to the crossroads and choose differently should you hit a dead end with the choice you made.

You can only see so far down each road. Even the safest ones eventually fade into the distance, leaving the future uncertain. It’s up to you how much you need to know before setting off. If you feel you need more guarantees, you might choose a road that allows you to see further ahead, or that perhaps offers a smoother path. More guarantees might mean less risk, but they also mean smaller rewards. You have to be willing to engage patience and persistence to reap greater rewards, and those rewards aren’t limited to financial gain.

If your crossroads includes choices to launch your own business, or accept a relatively lucrative job offer that gives you stability, benefits, and a regular paycheck, you might choose the short-term gain. However, you give up a lot of freedom, flexibility, and above all, the satisfaction of building something yourself. There’s no right or wrong answer. It’s a matter of determining how much risk you’re willing to accept, and which factors are most important to you.

Life is a Constant Series of Changes

When my daughters were growing up, I chose the path that allowed me to provide for them with as little risk as possible. That didn’t mean I wasn’t trying to be my own boss, or that I didn’t have periods of unemployment. It meant I was willing to accept things like less time with my daughters, dancing to the whims of a boss who might not always make the most ethical choices, and taking jobs that were close to home, but a terrible fit. In hindsight, I paid a high price for that choice, but in the end, it allowed me to finally leave the rat race and take my time building my dream. It also meant re-envisioning that dream when I could bring in the non-financial factors.

That’s the beauty of dreams. They’re allowed to evolve, and you’re allowed to change your mind, or follow a new path when things change in your life, or in your mindset. You’re only stuck on the same road if you choose to be. You can take a side trip, or even a whole new road any time you want, as long as you’re willing to accept that doing so means you’re subjected to unseen factors and challenges. It means trusting in yourself, or any outside force you believe in to get you safely to the other side…eventually.

First you have to decide, though. Are you more afraid of falling…or flying?

Gratitude Eases the Pain and Smooths the Path

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the time and inclination to do some soul searching to determine where I’m really getting in my own way.
2. I’m grateful for people in my life who understand and support me when I’m struggling to figure things out.
3. I’m grateful for opportunities to spread my wings and fly even when my anxiety tries its hardest to ground me.
4. I’m grateful for a life full of experiences, obstacles overcome, and proving to myself I can land on my feet in any situation if I give my world time to re-right itself.
5. I’m grateful for abundance; love, joy, opportunities, confidence, knowledge, wisdom, supporters, community, friendship, health, peace, balance, harmony, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Namaste

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward

Progress is Progress, No Matter How Small

Switching Things Up is Progress

September 11th came and went this year as it always does, along with the memories, the feelings, both repressed and expressed, and the knee jerk reactions. But then again, it wasn’t really the same at all.

In years past, when September 11th came along, I disconnected from social media and crawled deep into my self-imposed cave for 24 hours or more. Apparently, this is the year things were meant to change.

In the first place, it fell on a Wednesday which is a day I usually spend going to the gym and running errands. Sure, I could have moved things around, and probably would have in the past. This year, I didn’t feel it was important enough, so I got out of the house, perhaps a little later than planned, and soldiered on.

Losing Myself in a Crowd

I knew I wasn’t up for the more intimate group of dancers who meet at a friend’s house once a week but instead of slothing it in front of the TV, I got up, got dressed, and went to a larger venue where I figured I’d just blend into the scenery. Wearing uncharacteristic all black, I joined my friends on the dance floor, hiding in the middle, only to be called out by the DJ who’s known me for too long, but didn’t read my “I’m hiding” message in my black shirt and shorts.

The one thing I didn’t do was pretend I was fine. I also stopped saying it was the anniversary of my dad’s “death” in the generic sense. Instead, I said “it’s the 16th anniversary of my dad’s suicide”.

What I didn’t expect was so many have become used to me talking openly about suicide, that it didn’t shock so much as let people know I was feeling vulnerable. No one pushed or tried to be overly solicitous, but it was clear they were all there for me if I needed them. What an amazing and unexpected revelation!

Acknowledging and Releasing Old Pain

Slowly but surely, I’m revisiting and releasing old hurts, letting go of old baggage, and learning a lesson I missed growing up: how to be a friend, and attract my true tribe. Despite events of the last few months which are causing my ever-expanding tribe to gather in smaller pieces at a variety of venues, the emotional and energetic bonds we share are growing stronger. It’s clear to me now, time and circumstances don’t weaken bonds if they’re formed on the right foundation.

It’s become especially apparent as I revisit the rift with my blood family. It may be that “blood is thicker than water” but some blood is diluted by unseen factors. My family showed me unequivocably that they aren’t able to be there for me in times of trauma or strife. It isn’t a reflection on them as human beings. It’s simply the way it is. I’ve learned to not only expect but respect the dynamic—or lack thereof.

I was born into a family, but I see now, I was only there temporarily. It was a brief stopping point while I gathered a few of the tools and a lot of the traumas which would help me become the person I was meant to be. It’s been a long, slow process (I had to get past the desperation to be loved and accepted first), but I can see now it was a necessary step in my soul’s evolution.

Lessons Come in All Shapes and Sizes

Sometimes, I learn what to do and how I deserve to be treated from my various experiences. Other times, I learn what not to do and how I do not deserve to be treated. I’ve had many bosses who’ve shown me the wrong way to run a department or treat employees, just as I’ve had a few who showed me the right way.

Interestingly, it’s from a marketing group I’m in that I’m learning everything in life is about relationships. Even as a writer, I can’t operate in a vacuum. Not only do I get a lot of my topics from interacting with other people, I couldn’t grow my business without clients, and clients are always going to be other people.

Each step I take in dealing with my emotional traumas surrounding my parents’ suicides takes me further into the real issues surrounding my inability to form strong, lasting, functional relationships.

Relationship Building for Love or Money

I’m beginning to see my earliest lessons in relationship building came from my parents and blood family. I learned to hide my true self in what was ultimately a fruitless effort to fit in; to belong. It wasn’t until I endured the ultimate rebuff, and recognized it as such that I realized I was going about belonging in the wrong way. I’ve recently discovered positive indifference is an important factor, not only in whether or not I get a contract, but in establishing relationships too.

That doesn’t mean I go into social situations, guns a-blazing, acting like a jerk. Instead, it means spending time watching the interactions, observing the social protocol, and assessing how it makes me feel.

If it’s an environment where I feel comfortable engaging as my true self, I’ll probably stick around. If I feel like I have to stuff myself into an uncomfortable configuration, I’ll likely say a polite goodbye and move on. I don’t need to belong somewhere enough to pretend to be someone I’m not. 

The Epiphany of Authenticity

Learning there were people and places which would accept me as I am, and not expect me to be something I’m not shocked the hell out of me. It turned a lifetime of failed relationships upside down. It never occurred to me I was going about it wrong, trying to make people like me by being what I thought they expected. Instead of gaining the acceptance I craved, I came off needy, desperate, phony, and unapproachable.

People typically want to interact with others who are at least somewhat open and honest. Desperation is typically a turnoff, except perhaps to those who thrive on using other people. Thus, opening up, not only about my parents’ suicides, but about my own broken parts has catapulted me into both social and business environments which, at last accept me for who I am, and actually appreciate that crazy, messy person for her honesty.

Still Sharing Selectively But for the Right Reasons

It doesn’t mean I “bleed” all over everyone. I’m still selective about what and with whom I share, aside from my writing. I’ve recently discovered I can share more here because it’s still safe. I’m not subject to acceptance or rejection. I don’t feel someone’s distaste or disgust. If they don’t like what I’ve written, they typically won’t read any more, and that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m probably not writing for them anyway.

Those who come back; who read my posts regularly, and often tell me so are the ones I write for. They want to see the parts of me I’m still working on fixing; the imperfect parts I’ve come to accept and even appreciate; the successes when I overcome past traumas and conditioning. Why? Because they’ve been through their own share of crap. They deserve applause for their successes too. Most of all, they deserve to keep the messy, gooey parts they want to keep. And so do you!

Happy to Be Grateful

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for friends who “get” me, and who love me because of my imperfections.
2. I’m grateful for the small bits of progress. Put them all together, and I’ve come a lot farther than I realized.
3. I’m grateful for my current work environment. I work without the need to please anyone but myself and my chosen clients, without distraction other than my own monkey mind, and with the co-workers who suit me best; my furry family.
4. I’m grateful for the support I’m getting as I learn to be more myself and less a facade.
5. I’m grateful for abundance; love, friendship, support, laughter, dancing, kitty love, perspective, ambition, guidance, peace, harmony, balance, health, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward

Strong Women Know Loneliness Well

Strength and Independence Don’t Come Free

The women in my social circle have one major quality in common: they are all strong, independent women. Of course, this singular quality is actually more than the singularity I’ve implied. It is really a package deal, combining a multitude of features into one, single, powerful human being.

The fact that a woman, any woman is able to be strong and self-sufficient in a world which encourages anything but is a tribute to her all by itself. As one myself, I know it’s a constant challenge to stand up for myself when many people (and not just men) consider it unnatural and, to say the least, unpleasant.

Naturally, maintaining that strength comes at a cost which some of my friends manage to avoid. Those women found a mate who loves and accepts them as they are, and in most of the cases I’m aware of, it’s made for a union rich in love, commitment, and cooperation.

Strong Doesn’t Mean Wanting to Fly Solo Forever

But for many of my friends, being single has become a lifestyle. Some have jumped into the dating pool, finding a decent guy or two who can handle their pure, unadulterated self. But most have been burned a time or two by men who simply couldn’t handle the pressure of being with a woman who might just be stronger than them in some ways.

As a result, I’m not alone in reaching my 60’s still flying solo. Sure, most of my friends haven’t turned being single into an art form as I have, but we do share a common thread; loneliness.

Being strong doesn’t mean we don’t want someone we can lean on now and then. It simply means we don’t need someone to carry us all the time. A strong woman wants a partner, not a caretaker. And sometimes, that’s a lot harder to find.

Accepting the Desire for Companionship as Part of My Strength

At one time, I brushed it off saying: I don’t need anyone. I’m fine on my own.

But lately, as I watch my friends struggling to find someone to share some of their down time with, I realize I’ve been lying to myself, if only to find a way to accept that my chances of finding someone this late in my life are challenging at best.

I hear my friends talking about how sad and lonely they are, or watch them slipping into depression. They put on a brave face because that’s what they’ve always done. But when the mask slips and they let those who are both close and trustworthy in, the cracks show, and the loneliness embraces them in her cold, unsympathetic arms.

To be honest, I can’t imagine having someone else living in my house all the time. I’ve lived alone too long, and have large spans of time when I don’t want anyone talking to me or getting in my way as I wander from room to room talking to the cats. Still, I find myself wanting to believe someone out there could and would be able to adapt to my quirks, and I, to his.

Dealing With Loneliness In My Own Way

My friends and I deal with the loneliness in our own ways. I tend to isolate until I need human interaction. I steer clear of dating sites as I haven’t seen anything to recommend them in the few times I’ve given them a try.

They, on the other hand put themselves out there, date now and then, and keep the hope alive that one day, they’ll meet someone who will fit all the nooks and crannies of their personality and form the bond they seek.

In some ways, I feel I need to take a page out of the manual on relationship building I refer to for my business. From there I learned about the concept of positive indifference, and how off-putting desperation and neediness are to potential clients.

I think people are people, regardless of the situation, and those qualities are only appealing to someone who ultimately wants to take advantage of you. Sure, there’s a fine line between being so strong and independent that you come off as uncaring, and needy and desperate.

Using Positive Indifference in My Social Network Too

I think the key to the puzzle is in the words “positive indifference”. It’s not a “screw you if you don’t like me” attitude, but more of a “I enjoy your company but am OK if it’s not mutual” feeling. A kind of spark, but no pressure.

Unfortunately, as long as my friends and I succumb to loneliness, it’s hard to be positively indifferent. So we focus our attention on other things, keep busy, and try not to think. It works part of the time.

I think we tell ourselves that as much as we love our girlfriends, there’s something we just aren’t able to get from each other (and I don’t mean sex). There’s a feeling; a connection; a wantedness we don’t feel unless we’re someone’s one-and-only.

Long-Term Loneliness Takes Its Toll

I have to believe we can find a way past the neediness, the desperation, and the cold, empty feeling we call loneliness for lack of a better word. Though I haven’t found it myself, I have reached the point where I suffer from it less. Maybe I’ve just gotten used to being alone. I’ve been at it a lot longer than most, if not all of my friends.

Some think being alone for a couple of years is a long time. I can’t argue with them, because we can only view loneliness through our own lens. The amount of time I’ve been alone can be counted in decades. I’m not proud of it, nor am I ashamed. I’ve spent a lot of that time working on myself. Building a better me, as it were. And I’m pretty happy with the changes I’ve wrought.

Mapping Out a New Path

Sometimes, you have to take yourself to a place that seems sad and lonely because you can’t fix what’s broken in the middle of a crowd. You have to pull the pieces apart slowly and carefully, lay them out so you can see what you’ve got. Some pieces you might clean up, others might need some repair. A few might have outlived their purpose and need to be discarded.

As you sift and sort, you bring in new pieces you’ve acquired through living life, learning new things, and leaving old things behind. The space you open up when you discard some of the old pieces leaves room for new ones which are better suited to who and where you are now.

In some ways, I’ve been my own Pygmalion, creating my own ideal woman from the original parts plus a lot of others I’ve acquired on my journey. Doing it alone was, for me, the way it had to be, and probably why I’ve learned to adapt to that status.

Sometimes the Road is Only Wide Enough for One

That isn’t to say it’s my final resting place, so to speak. But I had to travel alone for awhile, else I’d have missed some important pieces I needed to pick up. I feel like I’m much more whole now, except for one thing.

My friends learned to interact socially; to attract the eye of men who were looking for companionship. In all the time I’ve spent alone, I never found that piece, that technique. So in some ways, I’m now operating at a disadvantage, at least if companionship is my goal.

As I watch and listen to the sadness of the women I love and respect, I have to face some hard questions myself. Am I really all that lonely alone? Am I willing to compromise in order to have another person in my life regularly? Can I learn some of the social skills I still lack?

I don’t have the answers to these questions. For now, I feel my place is loving and supporting my friends as they seek their own answers.

Finding Gratitude in All Things Great and Small

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the years I’ve spent alone exploring the person I was, and the one I wanted to become.
2. I’m grateful for my friendships with strong, independent women, and all the dynamics that entails.
3. I’m grateful for the pleasure I find in solitude, and my ability to be productive at odd hours, at least as others might see it.
4. I’m grateful for love in all it’s forms.
5. I’m grateful for abundance, friendship, connection, love, joy, solitude, introspection, innovation, inspiration, motivation, productivity, peace, harmony, health, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats, and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward