Master of Disguise

Why Not Ditch The Disguise?

My mother had a closet full of masks and disguises, suitable for every possible situation, both public and private; all designed to prevent anyone from seeing who she really was deep down inside. She used her arsenal of tears and anger to further protect the part of herself she clearly believed was never to be shared with anyone. I couldn’t tell you who my mother was, but I could give you dozens of examples of who she wasn’t; all from the repertoire of facades she had for every possible interpersonal interaction. I’m not entirely sure even she knew who that deeply secret self of hers was, but I know she went to her grave keeping that secret safe from the rest of the world.

For my first few decades, I believed, and lived the lessons she’d shared with her actions. I knew for certain I was deeply flawed, and dared not allow anyone to see so much as a crack in the surface she helped me construct. But maintaining all the mortar, spackle, brickwork, greasepaint, and spirit gum is exhausting, and gives you little time to simply enjoy life’s little moments, much less, the big ones. Mid-way through my 40’s with my mother’s ashes long since scattered over the cemetery’s rose garden, I woke up to realize I didn’t have to live that way.

It was OK if others didn’t see things the way I did, or like the way I presented myself to the world. I didn’t need to remain where I wasn’t wanted; where I wasn’t appreciated for my true self, and that included being hidden behind walls and masks of my own making. My mother lived and died a desperately unhappy woman, but that didn’t mean I had to follow in her footsteps.

I Know a Mask When I See One

Living with my mother taught me to recognize others who fear showing their true selves to the world. Many believe they have everyone fooled, but the only one they fool is themselves. Not everyone recognizes the face they show is a mask, but those of us who lived in close proximity to someone who moved seamlessly from one mask to the next, never allowing one to slip without another being affixed firmly in place, know a mask when we see one.

One of the favorite defenses of people like my mom is to insist the observer is mistaken, and can’t trust their own senses. Sadly, I still fall for that occasionally, often because I avoid confrontation, or simply keep the peace where I happen to be at the moment. I should know by now doing so is always doomed to failure. I see what I see. I’m perfectly fine with imperfections, be they mine or someone else’s. What I lack tolerance for is fakeness, no matter how well-intentioned.

I learned from my mom, those who wear the masks and disguises often do so from a mistaken belief their genuine selves are simply not worthy of being shown to the rest of the world. They lock themselves away behind a 24/7, 365 performance believing their honest, genuine, perfectly imperfect self is not good enough. They think pretending to be what is comfortable and safe for the rest of the world is the only right way to navigate their lives. Meanwhile, they’re doing the rest of us a huge disservice.

Trust Your Feelings

I, for one, want to know those messy, imperfect people just the way they are. I don’t need sugar coating, or, in this case, greasepaint, and I’ll give you the messy, unadulterated, authentic version of myself too. The trouble is, so many people I know have been putting on an act for so long, neither they, nor I can tell when, or if they are being genuine, especially when they’ve gone to great lengths to convince me my perceptions are wrong.

Spoiler alert! I’ve been burned by ignoring my own feelings and perceptions far more times than I have by trusting them, so I might give you the benefit of the doubt for a minute or two, but ultimately, I’ll pull my head out from beneath the covers, and either call you on it, or walk away because it’s not worth arguing over.

That isn’t to say we aren’t all a beautiful mosaic crafted from the perils, pitfalls, and successes both grand and minor which make us who we are. There are times when we’ll show smaller cross-sections of ourselves because doing so fits the situation. I’m certainly not going to give complete strangers all 10,000 watts of my true personality, nor will I give up much in a room filled with people whose beliefs run counter to mine such that sharing would be contentious. Like most people, I have a kind of sliding scale which determines how much of my real-ness I can share with those around me.

Find Those You Trust with Your Real Self

Trust is a huge factor, and I’ve been known to misplace mine often enough. It’s made me seem wary, and closed off to some who don’t want or need to see beneath my surface anyway. In that, too, I don’t think I’m much different than most of you. I also know I’m too much for many people, having also learned that lesson the hard way. Not everyone wants or needs to see me in all my messy, complicated glory.

Still, I no longer find it necessary to put up a wall, or don a mask and disguise. I give people what I like to call the “Sheri starter pack”; a small, easy-to-swallow dose which keeps all the partially healed traumas and Kozlowski crazy streak under wraps until I can determine whether or not the intended recipient can, or wants to handle more than the parts which have been vetted for public consumption.

However, if I find myself in the company of people who only want my public face, I’ll eventually find an excuse to remove myself from the situation permanently. While my mother found it perfectly fine to continuously put on a performance, her eldest daughter made the choice to forge her own path rather than trudge through someone else’s footprints.

Grateful for the Experiences

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the people who come through my life and remind me why I left my mother’s well-worn path.
2. I’m grateful for learning to love myself all the way down into the deepest, darkest parts of my soul, as well as the lighter, easier, breezier parts.
3. I’m grateful for learning to cut my losses and walk away when I find my perceptions questioned. You don’t have to like what I see, but don’t try to tell me I’m mistaken just because I saw something you didn’t want me to.
4. I’m grateful for the never-ending stream of material my life is giving me to fuel my writing.
5. I’m grateful for switching up my meditation so I’m more clear-headed at night for writing.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

Being OK With Not Being OK

Being Broken Isn’t a Bad Thing

I recently heard a promo for Jelly Roll’s new song “I’m Not OK”. At the time it really disturbed me, though I’m not exactly a stranger to that feeling. The song is raw and emotional, but also hopeful. Though I’ve since switched to listening to Pandora when I drive so it’s no longer on my playlist, the song left a mark on my psyche, in the same way Rascal Flatts’ song “Why” did the first time I really listened to the words.

The truth is, it took me a long time to figure this concept out, yet I still struggle with it when I’m feeling less than the positive, upbeat self I prefer to project these days. There’s still that little voice inside me cautioning me to keep my guard up, and never let people see I’m struggling. Most of all, I should never, ever cry anywhere except alone in the safety and isolation of my own, four walls. Of course, I’ve since learned the voice is wrong…at least partially.

I’ve learned that vulnerability is not a weakness, but a strength yet there are times and places to be completely vulnerable and authentic, and others where a certain degree of caution is warranted. I’m also learning when someone accuses me of not allowing myself to be vulnerable, it might not be my walls and protections at all. It might be their own which prevent them from seeing the real me I work hard to project since I learned it’s the more attractive version. Still, I take it to heart when someone tells me, essentially, my efforts to be a more vulnerable, approachable me are falling on deaf ears.

What Other People Think of Me Ain’t My Business

It does baffle me that people might recognize I’m not OK, yet still believe I lack vulnerability. Believe me, in my strong, silent days, no one, and I do mean no one ever saw me break down. I literally disappeared, both physically, and inside myself long before I’d allow anyone to see me in what I’d been taught was a weak state. At times, it took every ounce of energy I had to maintain the facade, but I was raised to believe showing a crack in my mask was an invitation for disaster and abuse.

It took me decades to understand being taught that lesson was a much more insidious form of abuse, as it deprived me of any real, healthy love. It kept me from acquiring the tools I still feel I lack; the ones which allow me to connect with others.

I’m still learning how people perceive me isn’t necessarily the result of my own actions. It comes from their own experiences and expectations. By now, I should know better. If I watch the people someone seems most comfortable interacting with, I will see a pattern. If I don’t fit that pattern, or in fact, make them feel uncomfortable, I shouldn’t be surprised to learn they perceive me contrary to what I’m putting out. If I wasn’t receiving a lot of validation from other people as to both my positive energy and my ability to project vulnerability as well, I might be questioning myself right now. After taking a few steps back from the situation, I realize I may not be completely OK right now, but overall, I’m in darn good shape given where I’ve been, how I was raised, and the challenges I’ve overcome.

Delight in Being a Work in Progress

Yes, I’ll continue working through this edition of “I’m not OK right now”, but I’m doing it with a lighter, less encumbered heart, realizing other peoples’ perceptions are just that; their perceptions. They have no bearing on my own reality, even if the revelation hurts for a moment. I haven’t failed at all just because not everyone is able or willing to see the softer self I’m sending out into the world these days.

What I’m trying to say here is, don’t allow the perceptions of others to make you believe you’re not doing OK, at least in some parts of your life. Don’t allow them to convince you your efforts are in vain. Just because someone can’t see the effort your making, and how far you’ve come doesn’t mean you haven’t made that progress. Know, instead, they are not now, and will never be part of your true tribe. They aren’t now, and never will be someone who sees your inner beauty, and supports you as you deserve to be supported.

Relegate them to the category “friendly acquaintances” where you expect nothing, and let them continue to see what they want to see. Anything more is a losing battle, and effort wasted in the wrong direction anyway. You deserve people who will say things like: “I know you’re not OK right now, but come anyway, and we can be cranky together!”

Always Grateful for Challenges, Setbacks, and Successes

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for people who love me even when I’m wearing my cranky pants.
2. I’m grateful for the people who do recognize my efforts to be both positive and vulnerable.
3. I’m grateful for learning to take the time to be not OK, and get the latest bout out of my system to clear the way for better days.
4. I’m grateful for my writing which, in the last few days, has done a great deal towards getting me out of my latest slump.
5. I’m grateful for new friends.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.