An End to Self-Flagellation (I Hope)

Replacing Abuse With Compliments

I’ve taken a vow to stop beating myself up:

• Over not writing a blog post every day
• Over not getting chores done
• Over failing to establish a network of prospective clients
• Over failing to heed my own warnings about putting all my eggs in one basket
• Over failing to resume regular ballet via my online subscription
• Over eating less than optimally
• Over failing to release excess bulk.

Instead, I’m going to give myself more credit for:

• Doing my stretches every day
• Eating better even if I have a cheat day here and there
• Getting any chore done
• Walking regularly
• Sticking with my weekly personal training/circuit training
• Adding even the smallest thing to my regular routine
• Taking my vitamins and supplements every day
• Eating at least 90 grams of protein a day

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in having spent an inordinate amount of hours throughout my lifetime beating myself up over what I haven’t done, instead of giving myself credit for what I have; chastising myself for the mistakes I’ve made instead of seeing how much making those mistakes taught me in the process. Though I’ve told myself repeatedly to stop self-flagellating, old habits insidiously creep in despite all I’ve learned about being kinder to myself.

Positive Reinforcement

No matter how far I’ve come on my healing journey, there are things like this which need constant reinforcement. A lifetime of self-abuse makes lessons in self kindness the most difficult on my journey, but recognizing the problem keeps it front and center in my mind. Still, there I times I fall back into old habits, just as I revert to trauma- induced coping mechanisms now and then. I know I’m not alone here.

In that perfectly imperfect state where we exist in our human form, there are lessons we need to learn; some of which get through on the first pass, but most take frequent repetition. Much like learning a new line dance, it doesn’t become fully integrated into our psyches until it becomes embedded in our muscle memory. Only then can we replace those old, trauma responses with new, healthier responses.

In my case, self-flagellation became a trauma response after too many years of emotional abuse I mistook for love. Like the child who misbehaves because negative attention is all they know, I beat myself up because it was how love was expressed in the world where I grew up.

Healing from Dysfunctional Love

I know now what I experienced was unhealthy and dysfunctional. I know I didn’t deserve the abuse. I also know it was the only way my family knew how to express their emotions at all, after generations of stuffing everything down. Whether it was fear of being noticed, or fear of appearing weak depends on the generation, and their country of residence. For earlier generations, I suspect it was a survival tactic. For later ones, it was a perpetuation of old ways because they were never exposed to a healthier alternative.

The buck stops here, and in this case, it’s the abuse, both internal and external. It may be too late to develop a healthier relationship with my daughters and grandchildren, but it’s never too late to treat myself more lovingly. It means recognizing and pivoting when I find myself once again caught up in the web of self-abuse. It means giving credit where credit is due; complimenting myself for the improvements, and recognizing the lessons when I back slide.

Thinking about it, the years I was angry, bitter, and unhappy coincide with the years I was the most abusive to myself. I never looked in the mirror and saw my assets; only my flaws. I never spoke kindly of myself, but instead, referred to my excess weight with derision, or focused on the most imperfect parts of myself beneath the baggy, unflattering clothes I mistakenly believed hid those imperfections. I looked at the mountain ahead of me I’d yet to climb with zero confidence I’d ever make progress. Meanwhile, there was an equally treacherous climb behind me I’d somehow navigated and conquered for which I never gave myself credit.

Focusing on Progress

Only when I looked back to see how far I’d come, despite all the obstacles I, myself had put in my way, did I finally stop criticizing and start complimenting. Only then did I start noticing the strength in my upper body, the well-toned legs, and the skin which, even as I near my 70th birthday, is still remarkably wrinkle-free.

Sure, some of it is genetic, but a lot of it is my own doing, be it weekly workouts and dancing, daily walks, and an overall refusal to succumb to nature’s attempt to weaken my body in my later years. Even a recurrence of the herniated discs in my neck, and the subsequent pain in m left arm and shoulder have done little more than force me to ask for help a little more, which isn’t a bad thing. Asking for help, I’m finally learning, is a gift I give myself, but it’s also a gift I give someone else. We all need to be needed once in awhile!

I have a couple of affirmations on cat-shaped sticky notes attached to my monitor, and another on my vision board. I repeat them often to remind myself I deserve the love and kindness I’m learning to administer abundantly:

I am perfect as I am.

I welcome a new state of mind.

I am enough.

Grateful and Loving

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning what is and is not a healthy expression of love.
2. I’m grateful for learning I deserve a healthy, non-critical love, especially from myself.
3. I’m grateful for continuing to heal, even when I backslide.
4. I’m grateful for learning I can repeat lessons as often as I need to.
5. I’m grateful for learning to love my perfectly imperfect self, and for continuing to improve on me.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.