The Infinite Hues of Friendship

The Color Palette of Friendship

For most of my life, I’ve labored under the misconception that friendship is basically black or white; on or off; all in, or all out. Lately, I’ve discovered nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, friendship is a wondrous, complete spectrum of colors, divided, not just by type and level, but by the unique qualities and experiences of the people joining the party. As no two people are alike, neither are any two friendships, and frankly, there’s a mosaic-like beauty in that diversity.

So many factors impact the color and intensity of a friendship:

• How much each party is able to give
• How vulnerable each party is able to be
• Trust levels on either side
• How much vulnerability each party is able to accept
• Each party’s ability to love themself
• Each party’s history: how they were taught to love and to be friends

There are so many more but these are areas which have seriously impacted my own ability to have and be a friend. You’ll notice I’ve focused on “ability” rather than “willingness”. That was intentional. I’ve learned (perhaps the hard way in some cases), when it comes to anything involving emotions, it boils down to what we’re capable of far more than our willingness. Those abilities are learned, both by nurture, and experience.

Unlearning Old Lessons

Unfortunately, many from my generation were taught to play everything close to the vest by well-meaning parents who didn’t know any better; to never allow anyone to see us sweat or cry. What a horrible legacy our parents, and their parents before them gave us. It’s led to so many mental health-related issues which keep therapists’ schedules full, and I suspect, challenging at times. Many of us grew up, and even raised kids with deep-seated emotional traumas, not all of which were couched in our own experiences. We didn’t have decent examples for building relationships, much less, how much to share, and with whom.

I, myself have erred by confining my efforts to both ends of the spectrum, never quite figuring out where the balance point lies. I’ve overshared and had it blow up in my face. I’ve undershared, and found myself standing out in the cold. The warmth of close friendships often eludes me, leaving me like the image on the 5 of Pentacles in my Spiral Tarot deck; standing outside a window where happy, well-dressed people celebrate, shivering in the snow. I’ve yet to master the art of reading a room so I know how much of myself is suitable to the abilities of the people with whom I’m interacting.

Although much of the issue lies in what I was taught by my own, devastatingly broken parents, I think I’ve done more damage to myself with my own inability to accurately assess those around me before making another ill-advised decision about what, and how much is appropriate to share. It’s small wonder my expectations are seldom met.

Then again, setting expectations on how people will respond to me makes about as much sense as trying to twist myself into a pretzel to meet my perception of their expectations. Either way, it all turns out wrong, and I’m outside looking in once again.

Understanding the Abilities of Friendship

Ultimately, I’m learning to stop pushing people beyond their abilities. Many find it uncomfortable to allow me past a certain level of friendship, and I am starting to recognize when that’s the case, rather than feeling like there’s no friendship at all. The distance which I’ve perceived as a wall is simply their own limited ability to deal with me beyond a certain level. Like my own protections and boundaries, theirs have been established to protect themselves from anyone or anything which causes them discomfort.

Though it’s true, on occasion, I’ve erected a boundary specific to an individual, like most people, mine are essentially generic and keyed to a certain type of energy in general rather than to anyone specifically. While I’m still learning when I smack into one of those boundaries, it’s rarely, if ever, personal, learning not to take the impersonal personally is a work-in-progress.

For now, I’m working on lowering (or perhaps eliminating entirely) my expectations of friendship, and allowing for a beautifully diverse cornucopia. Maybe there are only a couple of people with whom I can be nearly completely me, I’m recognizing most can only offer me a small glimpse of their soft, inner selves, and more often, are ill-equipped to see more than a small glimpse of my own convoluted, twisty-turny, kaleidoscopic self. And you know what? That’s perfectly OK. I’m slowly learning to accept whatever they’re able to give with gratitude.

Grateful for Patience and Understanding

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning there’s more than one flavor of friendship.
2. I’m grateful for learning to appreciate friendship in every one of its hues.
3. I’m grateful for learning there are more relationships worth saving; worth nurturing than I’d realized.
4. I’m grateful for those who’ve been so patient with me while I step back, reassess, and find my way again.
5. I’m grateful for recognizing I may be too much for some, not enough for others, and just right for a precious few.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.