Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world my beautiful, vulnerable self!

Posts tagged ‘Perception’

Shutting Down My Own Gossip Girl

Time for an Attitude Adjustment

Created with CanvaEvery now and then I take a good, hard look at myself and am less than pleased with what I see. This week, I realized my conversational pool has deteriorated into gossip. Frankly, the very idea of sticking my nose into other peoples’ business is typically repellent, and yet, here I am, blabbing about the good, the bad, and the ugly, all of which is none of my damned business in the first place. How did I sink so low?

I think in part, it’s another off-shoot of working alone. Most days, I don’t get to hear my own voice unless I’m talking to myself or the cats. Some small piece of myself feels needy, and instead of using the need productively, it’s sunk to the lowest form of communication.

Still, this isn’t an excuse to beat myself up, Instead, it’s an opportunity to see something I can improve upon and start taking the necessary steps to put myself on a better path. Like an addiction, the first step towards fixing a problem is realizing you have one.

Rekindling Self-Love

While working out at the gym, I had time to mull over this shift in my behavior. I realized part it is a lack of respect and love for myself. Happy, secure people don’t find it necessary to gossip or speak ill of others. They don’t have the time or energy to worry about who’s doing what to whom. That’s not to say they don’t celebrate their friends’ successes. They simply don’t find it necessary to yak about it incessantly. I’ve been guilty of that as well.

I believe the first step in eliminating this unattractive behavior is to re-establish my personal heart link. What I mean by that is, I need to fall in love with myself again. Seeking outside validation, both positive and negative is a clear indication my link is broken and in need of repair.

Perception of Exclusion I started looking back on my behavior over the last couple of months, I see glaring indications I managed to miss or simply block out. Times when some of my friends did something without me and I felt sad and left out regardless of the reason for my exclusion. I’ve been feeling especially sad as the annual line dance cruise draws nearer, and will sail without me.

Sure, it was my choice and my reasons are both responsible and valid. Still, as everyone gathers in groups to talk about the upcoming trip, I feel alone and lost, even as it turned out to be an opportunity to attend a writing festival instead. Clearly a win-win for my career and future.

Learning to Re-focus on Qualities Instead of Flaws

I dance at our two-step teacher’s house once a week where there’s a mirror on the front wall. can’t help but compare my Rubenesque physique to the slimmer curves of my friends, and feel a certain amount of disgust with myself. I know the reason is my lack of self-control when it comes to food, and laziness when it comes to getting up and moving more during my version of a work day. It’s not like someone is standing over me, expecting me to be at my desk working during certain hours. My schedule is flexible and allows for trips to the gym or a walk mid-day. I take advantage of the first, but not the second.

In the past, a silly little mantra was enough to inspire me to treat myself with love, but it’s fallen into disuse lately. I think my mantra needs some updating as well. Here’s what I’ll be using now—what I’ll tape to my bathroom mirror and other strategic places around the house:

I love myself as I am today.

I love myself as I’ll be tomorrow.

I love myself enough to recognize and accept my flaws.

I love myself enough to recognize where I need to make positive changes.

I love myself enough to implement those changes even when it’s difficult.

I love myself enough to refrain from comparing.

I love myself enough to refrain from judging.

I love myself enough to refrain from gossip.

I love myself enough.

Reversing the Downward Spiral

In the day-to-day struggle to navigate the often treacherous highway of jobs, people, and life Created with Canvain general, it’s easy to get caught up in the negative and spiral downward. Learning to recognize when you’ve jumped on a roller coaster that’s not in your best interests is definitely a learned skill, and one I thought I’d mastered.

The funny thing about life is when you think you’ve mastered something and become complacent, you get tossed back on the roller coaster without a safety bar or seat belts. You’re forced to figure out how to hold on until you can safely disembark and get back on track. Sometimes you’re lucky, and the car slows down enough for you to step off easily. Others, you have to take a deep breath, a giant leap, and tuck and roll. Sure, you’ll be bruised and battered, but you’ll be free of what drags you callously down into a place you thought you’d left behind for good, and good riddance.

Thwarting My Demons Over and Over Again

Years ago, I was in a cold, dark, lonely place where negativity and anger were my closest friends. I worked hard to escape that place leaving quite a bit of flesh behind in the process. But though I might have emerged raw and bleeding in places, I healed. In fact, in many cases, I had to break open old, badly healed wounds to get there.

But my demons, like those of so many others are greedy. They didn’t want to let go then, and want to drag me back into their depths now. They look for chinks in my happiness and positivity, and quickly fill them with their unholy mixture of misery and hate. It’s still up to me to use the tools I’ve gathered on my journey to evict them and fill those spaces, once again with love and positivity. Sometimes, that means getting out of my own way and taking a good, hard look at where I’ve landed.

Looking at Myself Honestly and Objectively

As with the degradation of my social skills and conversation, it isn’t always obvious. It doesn’t come on like a hurricane, but instead, creeps in slowly and stealthily when my attention is elsewhere. Often, I don’t see it until something makes me realize I’m feeling downright icky and don’t know exactly why.

That’s when I take a good, hard look at what I’m doing, thinking, and saying and the pattern emerges. I know then I need to first rekindle my self-love, and the rest will follow.

This time, I also know I need to spend a lot more time listening, and a lot less time talking. If I find myself left out of conversations, I have to accept it’s because I haven’t been contributing anything valuable and people found someone less negative and judge-y to talk to. It’ll take a little while to clear my slate of the crap.

Your Turn

Have you found yourself in a place you’ve been before, and aren’t sure how you fell back into old, outworn patterns? What do you do to reclaim your happier self? Tell me in the comments.

Are you struggling to keep all of your entrepreneurial balls in the air? Would you like to take a task or two off your plate? Maybe it’s content creation, or perhaps it’s getting your books in order and creating a budget. If this sounds familiar and you’re ready to streamline your life and give your business space to grow and thrive, CONTACT ME and let’s talk!

Gratitude: The Surest Way Out of a Deep, Dark Pit

My gratitudes today are:

  1. I’m grateful I’ve learned to recognize patterns that don’t serve me well.
  2. I’m grateful for the tools I’ve acquired on my healing journey.
  3. I’m grateful for friends who don’t desert me just because I’ve fallen into a bit of a cesspool. And I’m grateful for their confidence I’ll find my way back out.
  4. I’m grateful I can find my self-love again even when it’s slipped to dangerous levels.
  5. I’m grateful for abundance: friends, family, love, joy, dancing, honesty, support, opportunities, inspiration, motivation, gifts, peace, health, harmony, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light


About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws , of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward

February 18, 2015 Looking for inspiration in all the wrong places

Losing myself and an evening watching TV

After a week’s hiatus from the one-eyed monster, I sat down to watch “a couple of shows” I’d recorded on my DVR, only to spend the better part of the evening cuddling kitties and watching crime shows. Now, lest you think this was a completely wasted evening (aside from the cuddling), let me say that there was a method to my madness.

Most of the shows I record are crime shows of some sort: Castle NCIS, Forever, Rizzoli and Isles and Perception: as I enjoy watching how a puzzle is solved. If shows of this sort which did not involve murder or mayhem were available I would gravitate towards those, but Hollywood feeds their perception of the human need for violence. And this is where I feel that my writing is lacking.

I’m in the midst of a scene in which my antagonist has had his minions kidnap the protaganist’s child and am having a really hard time writing it with enough evil intent. In fact, I’m struggling overall with the antagonist’s evil intent. I figured that watching a few shows where this characteristic was captured might help me draw a little more evil out of my own soul.

Though I have not yet sat down to write again, I don’t feel that the experiment was successful, but one never knows what might have crept into my subconscious undetected. Since my initial pass on any project comes from said subconscious, I shall hope that the necessary evil seeps in and will flow onto the pages. Otherwise, I will need to try some other resources or exercises to trigger my inner criminal.

Thinking about over-thinking

The story I’m working on is a first draft and, typically, I disconnect my brain and just let whatever wants to hit the page do so. The reason I mention this is that I think I’ve been shooting myself in the foot trying to figure out how to make the scene work perfectly at this stage of the game. Instead of just sitting down and writing, I’ve been fretting, stressing, beating myself up and, above all, procrastinating. It isn’t like anyone is going to see what I write at this stage of the game (I don’t even share the first draft with my daughter who is as uncritical as they get about everything I write!). So, why in the name of all that’s literary am I hitting a wall right now? I don’t even have writer’s insecurity to blame at this stage of the game.

So, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to go into the kitchen and fix a little dinner with the veggies I got in my Harvest Box. I am going to eat that dinner while reading part of a tarot e-book I downloaded a couple of days ago. Then, I will do a couple of chores so I am not thinking about all of the things I need to do.

Then, gol durn it, I’m going to WRITE

I will close Firefox and email and I will sit in front of the computer, turn off my internal critic and editor and just put some bloody words on the freakin’ page! Enough is enough, here!

I thought about blaming this on the Super New Moon or sunspots or something equally unlikely, but the real culprit is none other than me. So this is me, getting out of my own way!

Whew! OK, rant over.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I can allow those voices in my head to either help me or hinder me, but when they hinder me, other voices will set them straight.
2. I am grateful for the amazing massage I had today, and the beautiful visuals I got in the process.
3. I am grateful for a refrigerator full of healthy veggies.
4. I am grateful for the companionship of my cats who never allow me to feel lonely or alone.
5. I am grateful for abundance; down time,up time, inspiration, motivation, perseverance, overcoming obstacles, opportunities, friendship, love, ego, intelligence, good examples, bad examples, health, harmony, peace, health and prosperity.

Blessed Be

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