Change Your Own Trajectory

Overcoming Resistance to Change

The women on my mother’s side of the family are like raw eggs; a clean, unbroken wall of fragility striving desperately to protect their gelatinous, easily scrambled interior. The example each generation sets for the next is one built on illusions; strength being the biggest illusion of all.

In truth, the walls we build and the ability we seem to have for surviving everything life throws us is little more than smoke and mirrors. It’s only our hard, aggressive nature that keeps people from looking beneath the murky surface.

I grew up believing building a wall to contain emotions was how everyone lived their lives. Attacking first rather than allowing anyone to breach your flimsy defenses was the proscribed response to anything or anyone that seemed to challenge the only known way to navigate a perpetually unfriendly, unkind world.

Attracting a Better Class of Winners

Photo-simonrumi via Flikr

It was a sad, lonely existence, growing up believing I could trust no one, and if I made the mistake of letting someone get close, they were sure to hurt me in some way; including, and especially my own family. It’s no surprise I was my own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Over the years, I chose to surround myself with people whose emotional growth was as stunted as mine, and to quickly disengage if I accidentally attracted someone who wanted, and needed to give me more than I was prepared to accept, much less, give in return. More than once, I rejected kindness, compassion, and honest emotions for an angry, broken, defensive person I was more able to relate to. For years, I felt like I was addicted to abuse.

What I’ve learned since was it wasn’t so much the abuse, as the fact I’d learned to believe it was the proper way to show love. I grew up believing I had to earn my father’s love, and his disparaging, and often brutal remarks were my reward, and worse, proof of his love. I didn’t realize how ridiculous, much less, damaging my beliefs were until shortly before my dad died. Without conscious thought, I’d reached the point where I’d stopped trying to earn his love. In truth, I think my own life, and that of my daughters helped remove the blinders from my eyes.

Fanning the Flame of Self-Love

Still, it took a few more years, and another couple of traumas before I had the strength and desire to not only rip down old walls without consideration for the consequences, but to break free of generations of deeply ingrained beliefs. By then, what remained of my blood family had drifted away, busy with their own growing families, and lives. Without their influence, I was given a rare opportunity to look at the woman I’d become, and realize I didn’t like her at all.

I could have remained in that state of self-loathing. Heaven knows, I’d had enough examples throughout my life to support my beliefs. But there was a spark deep inside that refused to be quenched or ignored. Faced with two choices; a deep, dark, oily pit, or a tiny, hopeful spark, I chose what my family and upbringing would deem unthinkable. I started following the spark.

In retrospect, it would have been easier, and considerably less painful to simply slide further into the pit. But the spark offered me something new and different; acceptance, and eventually, the rarest gift of all: unconditional love.

Spark Change from Within

Granted, the dimness surrounding the spark hid the perils I’d face along the way. It prevented me seeing the skin I’d shed layer by painful layer in order to not only reach, but become the spark. Had I known then I’d have to unearth many lifetimes of impacted trauma, and endure the pain of each one, not once, but many times over, I’d have likely given up before I started.

That’s how true change happens. You don’t start with the biggest obstacle, or the most painful memory. You start with a spark promising to light the darkness through which you’ve been stumbling. In cases like mine, you have to encounter, and exorcise a plethora of demons sent to guard sameness, and prevent change before you get the reward of a little more light, and a clearer path. You have to fight the battles you ignored for too long before you can open your heart to kinder, gentler possibilities.

I was taught to believe the worst of everyone; to expect mistreatment if I showed the tiniest crack in the walls around my emotions. I had to learn myself there’s a spark of human kindness in everyone. Some wear it on the outside, proudly, and generously sharing with anyone. I’ve learned in my own way, those people walked through fire themselves before they could fan their spark into a blaze.

Using Trauma to Trigger Change

Most people guard their spark, sharing it only with a trusted few. They’ve yet to learn sharing helps add more fuel to their own fire. Too many follow the path I did, guarding their spark, and burying it deep within themselves until it rarely, if ever reaches their eyes. They’re lost, cold, and stumbling in a darkness of their own making.

The lucky ones experience some kind of breakthrough that forces their hand; pushes them out of the comfy nest they’ve created behind thick, yet surprisingly unstable walls. Like me, they learn how little pressure will bring those walls down, exposing them to the harsh light of day.

In a way, my outer self blistered and burned like the skin of someone who’s spent their life indoors when they first expose themselves to the sun. But like a controlled burn to rid an area of flammable undergrowth, there were parts of me requiring forcible, and permanent removal before I could make progress towards turning my spark into a brightly burning blaze.

Being Alone is a Choice

Old beliefs and habits didn’t die easily. Belief in myself after decades of unworthiness, and believing I was unlovable had to be built from scratch, out of the ashes and rubble left after I trashed my walls beyond recognition.

Those first stumbling steps were made with neither roadmap nor support. And yet, for some reason they felt right, if only because I felt a huge, unnecessary weight had been lifted from my soul.

Help came when I needed it. First in the form of encouragement from my daughter. The efforts I made with her encouragement and support yielded the kind of friendships I’d only dreamed were possible, and only for others who were far more worthy than me.

I realize I’ve only made small inroads into old, out-dated beliefs. I’ve only saved one person from slogging through an entire life alone, unloved, and miserable. I have to believe my own Phoenix-like path will provide light, and encouragement for others who’ve felt constricted by a set of beliefs and values that never fit right; never felt right, and made for a miserable, inhumane existence for untold generations.

Grateful for the Fires that Tempered Me

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for all the factors which combined to force me out of my self-made pit of darkness.
2. I’m grateful for the love and support I’ve attracted since I learned to step out as my authentic, vulnerable self.
3. I’m grateful for continued opportunities to step outside my comfort zone and become an even better version of myself.
4. I’m grateful for the people who’ve taken time to assure me I’m not alone in my struggles, or my triumphs.
5. I’m grateful for abundance; love, joy, challenges, opportunities, happiness, friendship, community, family, peace, health, harmony, balance, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Namaste

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author