Writing Through Another Rut

Writing Out My Frustration

In the interest of writing more often, I’m starting this post though I have little wisdom to impart on this cloudy day. It seems my mind is equally cloudy, my focus on getting a few chores done and attempting to trim my cats’ nails. So far, I’ve managed to trim all the nails on Pyewacket’s front paws so he got treats. Lazarus made it through all but the dew claw on one paw, so he’s treat adjacent. Ishtar fought like mad so I’ll need to get my friend to help while I hold her. She requires at least 3 hands! As for the rest, we’ll see if I can wrangle them with help as well.

I’ve been putting off vacuuming the sofas as I wanted to trim nails while they weren’t traumatized, but I may have to put the vacuuming first so I can protect the sofas. The cats were especially bad last night, though I’m pretty sure it had something to do with their being low on dry food. Funny how priorities change as events beyond my immediate control unfold.

Life is a lot like my ongoing battle with cats, claws, and sofas. Sometimes, the plans you make work well the first time around, but more often than not, you have to stop, step back, regroup, rethink the plan, and move forward with the revised plan…repeat as many times as necessary to reach your goal. Of course, many times, the goal has changed by the time you get a workable plan, which, as you’d expect, requires more plan revisions.

Trial and Error Approach to Life’s Ruts

I don’t see this trial-and-error process as a bad thing. Each trial is the result of something we learned from earlier ones. Even when the goal moves, it’s because we learned something in trying to reach the original goal which caused us to revise what we wanted to achieve. The beauty of life is we get to update our plans and goals as often as we want, and as long as we’re revising, we’re learning things. It’s only when you either give up on a goal, or worse, settle, that you curtail the learning process.

I’ve mentioned a time or two my biggest fear is stagnation. Getting stuck in one spot for too long makes me twitchy, and if not given a goal or a plan to revise and re-try, I’m liable to start self-sabotaging simply to make things change. Not an optimal place to be, I assure you. I’ve thrown myself back dozens of paces when I either felt I had no control over plan or goal (which is never the case if you accept the fact there are times progress will be smaller), or got frustrated by minuscule progress.

If I feel like I’ve fallen into a rut, I may wallow in it for a few days (more if I feel obligated to stay for one reason or another), but eventually, I’ll bust myself out one way or another. After decades of shooting myself in the foot, I’ve finally come to recognize when I’m frustrated due to lack of progress. Catching the problem sooner rather than later means I can formulate a plan for climbing out of the latest rut instead of blowing up the whole building. In some cases, I wish I’d learned this sooner, but I also see, in the grand scheme of things, blowing things up was necessary, if painful, at the time.

Change vs. Stagnation

Sure, I’m still change-averse in some areas of my life. I’ve lived in the same house for over 40 years. It needs some work, but even that is hard to wrap my head around, and actually invest time and money into making happen. Granted, there are areas I could change with either more knowledge, or some assistance. I’m becoming more open to both, but am still working on finding a direction I can commit to.

Committing is another area where I’ve struggled over the years. I’m fine as long as my various needs are met, but once I feel stuck, I tend to require a solution which gives me, if not immediate results, measurable, consistent ones. Otherwise, I revert to old coping mechanisms, and yes…blow something up. The trouble is, once I begin to self-sabotage, I’m like a fast-moving train on a track heading down a steep mountain with malfunctioning brakes. Looking back over the last year or two, I see a few instances where I’d had enough of doing the same things, and getting the same results, and blew up a few friendships (albeit, in hindsight, dubious ones), a job, and even some healthy habits I’ve since reinstated.

Admittedly, everything I’ve blown up actually needed, if not to be blown up, at least to have me moving away, and moving on. I’m beginning to believe I thrive on the spectacular, given how many explosions I’ve set off in my life…especially recently. I may claim to want a peaceful, quiet, drama-free life, but my actions belie my words over and over again.

Reverting to Peace and Quiet

Yet once the dust clears from my latest conflagration, I once again settle into that peaceful, quiet, drama-free life I profess to crave…until boredom sets in again. I’m honestly not sure if I’m my own worst enemy, or best friend, given the roller coaster ride of a life I seem to perpetuate. I am beginning to realize when I find myself following something or someone “everyone” loves, a little voice inside me starts whispering words of discontent in my ear.  I’m seldom content being a follower over the long-term. I don’t need to be the leader or influencer. I just need to be my own, unique, often lone-wolfish person. Is that too much to ask?

At the moment, I’m an outsider wherever I go…a recognized one, but belonging nowhere; with no one. I know it’s a temporary state, but in its own way, it’s another rut, and one I’ve put myself into. I don’t want to go back to where I was, in any of the scenarios I’ve left, but I’m not yet sure where I do want to go, and so, I flounder.

I suspect the road ahead is covered in fog for a reason, though I’ve yet to fathom what it might be. I also know it will start clearing once I’ve learned what I need to to go on, or changed what needs to be changed in order to attract what I need to attract in so I can set a new goal, and begin making plans to reach it. Until then, I’m writing more regularly, and who knows? That might be part of the new plan. I’m also spending more time on self-care which is helping minimize the pain from my herniated discs until I can start PT. That’s never a bad thing, if you ask me.

I do know the Universe always has my back, and a plan. Fighting it is futile, and exhausting. For now, I’m imagining myself in a rowboat, lying back and staring at the sky as I drift effortlessly downstream. I’ll know what it’s time to sit up, grab the oars, and put some effort into my velocity and direction…but the time isn’t quite here yet.

Grateful for Whatever Path I’m On

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for learning to trust the Universe implicitly.
2. I’m grateful for all the structures and strictures I’ve exploded spectacularly.
3. I’m grateful for being goal-less at the moment. It means I can head off in any direction I want.
4. I’m grateful for the wheels that are turning; moving me to the place from which I’ll be embarking on my next adventure.
5. I’m grateful for my writing which keeps me relatively sane when I’m directionless.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.

Allowing for A Break in Routine

Manifest Abundance by Taking a Break

Most of December and January are now a blur. I didn’t get a lot done on any front. I didn’t write or publish a single post on Medium for the month of January, and am not even feeling like I missed a chance to get more exposure. It was all I could do to schedule posts for my own blogs a week or two in advance.

I’m not apologetic, nor feeling guilty about it. It was, whether I realized it or not at the time, what I needed; plain and simple…a break. Towards the end of January, my motivation and inspiration came back, allowing me to get back to a minimum of 3 weeks of posts in my blog queues. Publishing on Medium, and for “An Idea” will resume for February, and perhaps will even be better for having taken a month off.

Taking a break from blog writing and posting doesn’t mean I accomplished nothing. Instead. I shifted gears for a little while. I had what I like to think of as a mental decluttering in which I changed my routine temporarily.

Taking Credit for the Small Stuff

I actually accomplished something I was unable to finish this time last year; Tut’s “Love Your Life in 30 Days Project”. Last year, I only got as far as day 18 before I crashed and burned. Around day 14, I realized I’d altered my expectations a bit. I didn’t expect to knock any of the lessons out of the park. I simply needed to get something down each day.

For example, the task for Day 14 was to create a mock calendar of events you want to see happen in your life. Last year, I sweated over this task, thinking I needed to fill everything in for the next year or so. This time, I put in a few key events, knowing I can go back at any time to add something else to the calendar. In other words, I don’t have to set expectations for everything my life will encompass right now. I get to keep on dreaming!

I also added daily Tarot card pulls to my routine, using them to help me focus on the day ahead. My plan was to pull another card in the evening to see if things went according to plan or flew off the rails, but it’s been intermittent at best. I guess my brain thinks it knows whether or not my life got really crazy, and actually went according to plan, and would rather not be reminded that my normally chaotic approach to life got derailed for a day.

Stagnation Takes Many Forms

The truth is, I was feeling stuck for at least the last couple of months, and didn’t really know why. It took a major break from my routine, and replacing some things with others before I realized the problem was stagnation. I needed to shake things up a bit, or as much as possible when I spend most of my time within my own four walls.

I’ve long since grown bored of Hallmark movies. Nowadays, I may watch one per day, and “watch” is used loosely. More likely, it’s on in the background, and I look up every now and then so I’m at least following the latest version of one of their pat story lines. More than one a day, and my brain is screaming for mercy, be it more writing (my preferred option), or a computer game. I’ve even evolved past solitaire and word games to Sudoku challenges. Clearly my brain needs more of a challenge.

In the process, I’m back on track with blog posts, and have a plan for other projects in my queue that temporarily fell by the wayside. Thanks to some of my self-help rituals, I’m getting better about letting go of the past, and focusing on the moment at hand, and maybe a bit of future planning too. Slowly but surely, I’m allowing my fledgling self to step to the edge of the nest in preparation for launching into the unknown. It’s actually exhilarating standing on the edge, looking down and not being able to see the ground; looking outward, and not being able to see the horizon.

Embracing Change

I’m equal parts terrified and excited by the prospect of change. Excited usually wins, as

Photo Courtesy of sammydavisdog via Flikr

stagnation is far more terrifying for me than change, even if I can’t see where I’m going. It beats sitting still by a long shot! Maybe that’s why I don’t get bored with the scenery inside my house and yard. My imagination, and possibilities don’t allow me to spend much time obsessing over what I can see with my eyes, but leap ahead to all I can imagine.

Admittedly, there are times when my imagination creates so much chaos, I need to reign it in as well. I’m flying in so many different directions that nothing gets done. At that point, it isn’t lack of imagination or inspiration that stalls me, but too much of a good thing. A break from my self-induced chaos is as important, or even more so than the breaks I take from sameness, and boredom.

It took me a long time to understand the balancing act my life requires between excessive variety, and soul sucking sameness. The truth is, I need both, if not in equal portions. When I start feeling stuck, or my productivity drops to nil, I’m beginning to recognize it’s not always a rut that’s holding me back, but too much of a good thing.

Create New Habits Regularly

The habits I’ve put in place for starting my day have helped a lot in controlling the chaos. I expect myself to accomplish certain things before I get to write, or research, or embark on my latest series of lessons. Some days, I want to leap past writing my morning pages, and dive head-first into a day filled with energy, excitement, and stories to tell. So far, I haven’t yielded to the pull.

I’ve also learned it’s good to add something to my routine for a finite amount of time, like the “Love Your Life in 30 Days Project”. It changes things up, but ends before it becomes boring, or a drudgery. When it’s gone, I’m left with a block of time I can use to either add another routine, or increase the time I spend on all the fun stuff that makes up my current career path. Thus, I achieve that balance; a little routine, and a little variety.

It’s a tenuous balancing act at best, fraught with missteps and backpedaling. Yet, somehow, I manage to make progress, just as a butterfly makes its meandering way across the sky. There’s a purpose, but the road is an erratic path filled with spirals, switchbacks, and distractions that often lead to new discoveries. My methods aren’t for everyone, but they’re perfect for me.

Grateful for Balance, Change, and Chaos

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my crazy, meandering, life of side roads, back roads, and roads less traveled.
2. I’m grateful for the ideas that come to me when I least expect it, probably because I’ve stopped fighting or pushing, and am allowing them to come in their own time and form.
3. I’m grateful for my non-conforming lifestyle. It may not look so great from the outside looking in, but it’s mine, and it works for me, and my stress levels are usually far lower than average.
4. I’m grateful for friends who may not understand me and my ways, but accept me as the quirky one who is prone to unexpected tangents.
5. I’m grateful for abundance; inspiration, imagination, creativity, tangents, joy, freedom, love, happiness, quirkiness, motivation, peace, harmony, balance, breaks, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Namaste

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author