A Lifetime of Weight Obsession

Only a Number

For as long as I can remember, I have been obsessed with my weight. At times, only marginally, but more often, to the point where I weigh every day. In part, it’s because I’ve been overweight most of my life, and in part, because my mother made a point of mentioning it every time she saw me. While her opinion no longer haunts me, I still carry more weight on my 5 foot 5 frame than I’d like, and more than is considered healthy by the medical profession.

Thankfully, for the last 15 years or so, I’ve been able to maintain it at a much lower level than it was at my most unhealthy, and I’ve managed to keep off most of what I released the last time I had a really good run of lowering the numbers on the scale. I get especially obsessive if those numbers go over a certain point which, by the way, is far lower than what I used to consider my “eek zone”.

Still, for the last few weeks, I’ve gone up more than down, and was starting to get really pissed off at myself, knowing it wasn’t for lack of exercise despite ditching the ballet for awhile. However, adding more dance nights has added exercise, and cut down the number of hours I can wander into the kitchen to graze, thereby starting to move those numbers back in the “right” direction.

Owning the Fluctuations

Admittedly, my eating habits are my own worst enemy. Allowing myself to snack late at night is the biggest culprit, but by no means, the only one. There are days I watch what I put in my mouth with almost surgical care, but those are more the exception than the rule. Most days, I do really well with breakfast and lunch, but slide into the worst habits imaginable come dinner and beyond.

In my defense, I try to keep healthier snacks in the house, and at times, I even portion control, but it’s all the other times which kick my seldom-decreasing butt. Still and all, walking 3 miles, 6 times a week, doing an hour of circuit training with my personal trainer, and now, dancing 2-3 nights a week isn’t going unnoticed. I’m healthier than I’ve ever been at this weight, or even 20 pounds less. I’m noticing my clothes are fitting me better, or looser in certain areas. Dances which would have left me winded are now barely raising my heart rate. And I’m closer to a 20-minute mile every day…without even trying!

So though the numbers on the scale haven’t dropped as much as I’d like, and the amount of belly fat I’m carrying is still excessive, I’m choosing to focus on the positives, and in so doing, love myself enough to stop eating too much, and the wrong things. Sure, I’ll always wish I had a flatter belly, but I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Short of having it surgically removed (which I’d never do!), we’ve become old, tried and true friends after decades of being together.

Healthy No Matter What the Numbers Are

As long as I’m able to walk, dance, circuit train, and do my own chores, I’m still ahead of the game for a woman of my advancing years. I’m certainly in a better place than many of my family members who have either passed on, or suffer from a variety of physical issues. I’m not without my share of aches and pains, but they pass, and are not debilitating. It’s nothing a little Arnica cream, or the occasional dose of Aleve won’t alleviate, and I always keep moving, pain or no.

I wish I could promise never to obsess about my weight again, but like the belly fat, it’s become an integral part of who I am, and maybe it’s not entirely a bad thing. If nothing else, I don’t allow myself to go past a certain point before I start watching my eating like a hawk for at least long enough to get it below a certain point (which does change as I continue to work on being healthier). I can honestly assure myself I’ll never see certain numbers again, because I simply won’t allow it. That, alone is a huge accomplishment for me!

Grateful for the Small Successes

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my perseverance, even when I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle.
2. I’m grateful for the improvements I see and feel.
3. I’m grateful for knowing the only one making a big deal about my weight these days is me.
4. I’m grateful for feeling healthier, stronger, and with better stamina simply by including a few things in my regular routine.
5. I’m grateful for the manageability of the aches and pains I do have on occasion.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.

Making Friends With Your Brain

Get Buy-in From Your Brain

In all my years of trying to manage my weight, the few times I’ve actually lost interest in food, instead of using it as a means to control my heating habits, I allowed old beliefs to creep in until, once again, those habits are controlling me. Until now, I didn’t even realize I was sabotaging my own efforts. It goes something like this:

• Set an intention to get healthier
• Fill the refrigerator and cupboards with healthy options
• Vow to eat only the healthy choices on the menu
• In the midst of it all, start feeling crummy, typically with a round of migraines
• Lose a few pounds while the migraines are upsetting my stomach
• Convince myself eating less, and eating mostly healthy stuff is bad for me
• Feel better, and start eating again
• Lose all the momentum I gained while my stomach was cranky

Except this time, I recognize the blessing in disguise. Two days post major migraine, I could barely eat half of my breakfast, so I put it away for tomorrow (oatmeal and blueberries keeps just fine). When I started feeling like I wanted some lunch, I dished out maybe half of what I’d normally eat, and couldn’t even finish that!  This time, instead of allowing my mindset to regress yet again, I’m thanking my brain for being smarter than usual, and limiting me to healthier portions while avoiding digging for a snack shortly after my stomach has sent “full” signals up there to be processed.

For the record, there’s nothing wrong with extending those gratitudes to yourself, and all the parts of you that think they should run the show…especially that insecure toddler of a brain who has probably derailed your train more than any other part of your body! I know mine has!

Train Your Brain for Success

It turns out, I’ve been training my brain the wrong way all this time; rewarding it for resisting change! What kind of idiot tries to make positive changes, but rewards their brain fro sticking to its guns, no matter what? It appears, it’s my kind of idiot. But new year, new mindset, right? At least in the areas which need it most.

Though I no longer need to decide I deserve to be healthy and fit, I do need to thank my brain when she actually follows the program instead of digging in her heels. There is no lack of stubborn in this family, nor in this body. My job now is to give it a reason to, if not give in, at least compromise a little. Even as I type, knowing full well I was unable to finish either breakfast or lunch, my brain is whispering “snackies! I need snackies!”

This time is different. Instead of mindlessly pulling something off the kitchen shelf, I’m pausing, looking back at the whiny toddler, saying:

You don’t need snackies. You couldn’t even finish your breakfast or lunch. Drink some water and wait until dinner.

Then, I’m refilling up my 40 ounce water bottle, and sitting back down at the computer to get some work done, while Ishtar and Artemis are locked in the guest room. They, like my brain, need to be occupied, corralled, or both so they’ll keep from mucking up the works, or in their case, doing the Kitty 500 all over my house.

No More Self-Sabotaging!

I cannot count how many times I’ve listened to that voice, eating when I wasn’t hungry, or munching on something I didn’t even want. It reminds me of when I quit smoking in a way. It took standing there with a cigarette in my hand, realizing I didn’t even want the stinkin’ thing before I could finally put it down for good. Granted, I can’t exactly stop eating forever, but I can pay more attention to what, and when I want to eat than I’ve been known to up to this point. At least for any length of time. How many times have I eaten until my stomach was so full it hurt, simply because I couldn’t say no to my brain? That, alone isn’t a healthy place to be, if I’m being honest.

It makes me wonder, how many other bad habits might I have broken sooner, or never started in the first place had I established the hierarchy in the beginning? How much of this was caused because I denied myself simple pleasures like expressing my emotions from a young age? Maybe food, and at one time, cigarettes were the oral fixation the took the place of allowing myself to feel my feelings as loudly, and dramatically as I needed to at the time? Is there anyone else out there who needs to hear this?

Food does not replace expressing your feelings!

Clearly it didn’t for me, because I smoked for too many years, and have chronically over eaten all the rest of them! Thus, thanking my brain is only part of the seemingly insurmountable problem surrounding my weight, and subsequent displeasure and frustration every time I fail.

Give Your Brain a Role in Success

Allowing myself to express my feelings is all well and good, but I think I need to reinforce that freedom whenever I thank my brain for supporting one of my causes. Add a little understanding, and acceptance to the gratitude since, in a lot of ways, my brain bore the brunt of my decades of suppression. Why wouldn’t it respond to change with a great big, toddler-style tantrum?

And one more thing. Giving up a certain food, or consuming it in moderation is not a punishment, nor should it seem like cruelty, and deprivation. As I peel this onion, I am discovering more and more layers I’ve wrapped around the hangups of a child forced to smother her natural inclinations. The first step is clearly letting those stifled sobs come gushing forth in all their mucus-y, snotty glory. Let her cry it out until she’s gulping for air in between the hiccups. Thank her for trying to be a grownup when she was never given the tools.

Finally, reward her with something other than food; preferable positive reinforcement, attention, and most of all, acknowledging her feelings are valid. There was never a rule that said feelings had to be logical in order to be valid. They’re feelings, for crying out loud!

Once that inner child, aka, the brain, sees she’s supported without having to misbehave, she’ll be able to see she has a part in the success of the entire mind, body, and spirit, and be more likely to contribute rather than undermine. A little recognition, and appreciation goes a long way towards getting everyone to work together for the success of the whole.

Look out, healthy body! Here we come!

Grateful for Myself

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for a mind and body that’s still willing to learn, change, and grow.
2. I’m grateful for learning how to make me actions yield more success.
3. I’m grateful for a mind that still has some of the innocence of a child, even if it’s a stubborn one.
4. I’m grateful for insights which come at unexpected moments.
5. I’m grateful for new, better plans.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author