Criticism and Communication

Communicate Criticism Gently

Some folks are good at taking criticism, while others aren’t. Some people give criticism such that the recipient is uplifted and motivated. Others do nothing more than break the spirit. If you do or don’t see yourself in this, be aware someone out there disagrees, while others sing your praises…and everything in between.

I’ve also learned there are times criticism comes across as harsher when there’s an underlying issue or gripe one of the parties isn’t aware of. When it does come to light, the opposing party may have an “aha moment”, but by then, the damage to the relationship may have already been set in stone. One thing which doesn’t help is asking others in a community how they perceive it as it may, at the very least, cause embarrassment when the truth comes to light…unless of course, that’s your plan.

Deep seated feelings of hurt often distort our judgement, causing us to say or do things our more rational, kinder nature would have ordinarily dismissed. As with so many things, it comes down to communication. When we’re feeling hurt, dismissed, or invalidated, and stuff it down with the rest of the fulminating mess of emotions we all carry around, there’s a need for relief which, all to often translates into a need to lash out at the one we believe made us feel that way. No matter how hard we try to follow our better nature, things will slip through the cracks at times. That’s when the criticism gets more cutting, both from an administrative, and receptive position.

Cutting Each Other Some Slack

People who know me well know I’m often clumsy in my communication, and even more so when I’m not left to process hurt and other uncomfortable feelings in my own time and way. Although I ask that any hurtful actions I might perform be pointed out to me as soon as possible, it rarely happens that way. Other people have their own reasons for holding back, usually until things come to a head, and end up blowing whatever relationship existed to hell and back, often permanently. In such cases, both of us are to blame…and neither of us, for misinterpreting the other’s level of trauma.

Then again, sometimes you want to tank a relationship rather than risk confrontation. I know I did a lot of unkind things to my ex when the relationship had long since run it’s course. Both of us knew it, but neither wanted to be the one to actually end it. Eventually, I had to, for the sake of my sanity, and that of my kids, but not before I did and said a lot of things I’m not proud of.

As I’ve learned over the years, it’s an effective way to end a relationship that’s run its course, be it personal, social, or professional, but it’s also a messy one. Bridges are burnt, and a lot more toxic feelings are left to be dealt with…someday. Neither side will ever see the other in the same unbiased, accepting light they once did ever again. That, to me, is very sad, especially when I look back and see how many of mine went down in those hypercritical flames.

Learning from Past Mistakes?

The latest of those leaves me realizing I owe it to myself to do better, as it’s always me who’s left alone to start over. Maybe I got sucked into the situation in my perpetual naivete. Maybe I didn’t see the setup coming, or failed to perceive the other person’s hurt over something I said or did until it was too late, and they’d shot me down with it enough times to make me leave. My lack of relationship-building skills makes me an easy target for people who deal with hurt that way.

I’m lucky there are at least a couple of people in my life who won’t hesitate to tell me when I’ve acted unkindly, and are, perhaps, thick-skinned enough to either not let my insensitivity hurt them, or understand I truly do not mean to offend; who understand there are times I respond instinctively, like a cornered animal rather than a rational human, and who know when it’s best to leave me alone. But those few have traveled with me for longer than most (and deserve more than just the debts of gratitude I owe them), and know there are times I need to retreat and process before I can talk about what’s bothering me, and then, only with someone I completely trust. Anyone in that category is one of a precious, much-appreciated few.

I’ve certainly learned a lot about giving and receiving criticism over the last year alone. My only regret is how much of it came with a lot of pain and loss.

Grateful Unkind Words Wound but Rarely Kill

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned, and continue to learn; even the painful ones.
2. I’m grateful for a safe place where I can uncover old wounds, sit with them for a time, even hold each other and have a good cry before finally letting them go.
3. I’m grateful even for the losses. While I wish they didn’t have to happen, sometimes people, places, and things simply run their course in our lives.
4. I’m grateful for options. When one door closes, there are several waiting to be chosen.
5. I’m grateful for quiet, productive days when both the complicated and the mundane get checked off my list.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.