Frustration: My Uninvited Guest

Discomfort Abounds

I really hate when I’m feeling down, or lost, or lonely, or left out. I know it’s part of the normal cycle of things, but slogging through muck of my own making is not my idea of a good time. Yet that’s where I seem to have landed the last few days. I suppose growing tired of it is part of the process of yanking me back out by my bootstraps…a not-so-subtle reminder I’m still the captain of my own ship for the most part. Still, through all the cycles I travel, this one is my least favorite, even as it’s probably where I do the most healing.

My cats sense my distress, becoming clingier than usual, even to the point of waking me in the middle of the night to give and receive comfort. My body senses it, producing random aches and pains at both rational and irrational times. My sleep pattern changes, leaving me retiring early and sleeping in later than usual. I know it’s gotten bad when not only Artemis, but Ishtar and Pyewacket take turns sleeping on top of me while Lazarus joins in to demand attention every time I crack an eyelid. When I sit on the sofa, everyone crowds as closely as possible, and, unlike normal, stays put when I get up to go to the bathroom.

Causing my cats discomfort adds another layer to my already energy sucking misery. Maybe in its own way, that’s part of the process too. I can avoid exposing other people to my crankiness simply by keeping to myself. The cats don’t have that luxury, nor do they seem inclined to avoid me when I’m feeling sad in the first place. Realizing I’m causing my fur kids distress is a wake-up call in and of itself telling me to get my act together and stop upsetting everyone in the household with my seemingly pointless moping.

Neverending Challenges

Granted, the last year or so has had more than its share of challenging moments. People drift in and out of my life these days, but few remain for more than a cycle or two. But all have their purpose. Some were meant to help knock me out of my comfort zone before drifting off so I could see whether I’m able to maintain the shifts on my own. Others slip in for mere moments to remind me to be more discerning about who I trust.

I’m beginning to think I’m in a period when I’m meant to remain on the sidelines; jumping in to participate for a few minutes before returning to my seat in the corner to watch until there was an opening for me to join in again. I’m spending a lot of time in my personal bubble, the way I did before I began trying to fit in, and deluded myself into believing I had arrived, so to speak. Learning I was only included to a point, and as long as I gave more back then I could ever hope to receive threw me for more of a loop than I realized…until now.

Breaking Down to Re-build…What?

The last bits of that ship are pieces of driftwood, scattered far and wide now. Some have become part of the sea floor, while others have gone aground far from the shipwreck site, carried, by tide and time to places where sun, sea, and air will complete their demise. That ship hasn’t so much sailed, as disintegrated. Yet, is it so different from The Tarot in Tarot, which depicts a building crumbling to the ground in various scenarios depending on the deck? Is this simply a time when old ideas and structures are no longer useful, and must be destroyed before rebuilding on a stronger, more resilient base?

I suspect this all represents the old wounds and traumas I’m supposed to be healing through this cycle, but honestly, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be healing right now. I continue to drift as if in a heavy fog. Nothing is solid or clear. I wander in a dream-like state, never getting close enough to make out the details, and frankly, it’s frustrating as hell! Give me something I can sink my teeth into already! Let me recognize something in this soup I can actually masticate and digest. I’ve learned through painful experience the only way out of my current state is to have something to focus on; a piece of my past history to process, work through, and release. With all the 11:11s I’ve been seeing for the past few days, I know I’m getting closer, but close is only good in horseshoes and hand grenades. I want it now!

Normally, I can write my way around to a solution, but without a rudimentary understanding of the problem I’m supposed to be solving, I’m at a loss, and that irritates me more than anything! The control freak in me is having seven kinds of fits right now because she can’t get ahold of anything long enough to exert control. Frustration has become my uninvited guest right now, and it’s already stayed overlong. I’m ready to evict it along with all the baggage it brought in. If only I knew where to start.

Grateful Even When I’m Down

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for my increasingly clingy cats.
2. I’m grateful for my writing, even when it fails to bring me solutions.
3. I’m grateful for consistency, be it daily writing, regular chore days, or constant healing opportunities.
4. I’m grateful for knowing the current cycle is only temporary.
5. I’m grateful for continuing to get up and go about my daily business, no matter how pessimistic I’m feeling.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful. In her spare time, she’s also an accountant with extensive experience in Government Contracting.

Rebuilding Social Tolerance

Social Tolerance Needs Exercise

Despite it being a lighter than normal night, and an outdoor venue, I found a two week lag between dance events left me completely exhausted and drained after only a couple of hours. Though the company was pleasant and undemanding, and stress levels at a minimum, being in a social environment filled with a myriad of emotional currents takes a lot out of me. Not unlike physical stamina, emotional stamina wanes from lack of exercise.

Interestingly, spending 3 hours with staff and other volunteers at Eastwood Ranch Foundation, even when some share bits of their own perfectly imperfect lives doesn’t have the same effect. Granted, there are less people, and the unconditional love and affection from the cats and dogs is like the release valve on a pressure cooker; licked or purred away before it can even build up to what would normally be manageable levels.

It used to be that a shared love of dance was enough to keep me from absorbing a lot of heavy emotional energy. Now, I need that mutual love and commitment to the welfare of animals instead. In some ways, going dancing, sad to say, has become somewhat stressful for me. I only hope I regain my balance, and come to enjoy it as much as I used to…in time.

Embracing Change and New Opportunities

It did help to learn I would be made welcome at events I’d yet to visit, where I knew other dance acquaintances had been dancing. I’m looking forward to learning a different selection of dances, often brought back from the larger gatherings in Las Vegas and Palm Springs. If nothing else, it gives me a chance to broaden my horizons, and, with any luck, nail down a dance I sort of learned a couple of weeks ago, Bringin’ the Wow.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I’ve gotten into a rut of sorts; dancing the same dances; going to the same places; seeing the same people. Had I not begun feeling disconnected lately (which was recently explained, albeit indirectly), I doubt I’d have reached a point where my enthusiasm or energy slipped away like this. I do believe, however, everything happens for a reason so my current disenchantment, while disturbing, is opening doors for new experiences. I don’t know what they are right now, other than changing a venue, but I have to trust they’ll be in my best interests, and will bring me the same or higher level of joy in due time.

I have to admit, my life has gotten pretty predictable over the last decade or so, and frankly, my contrary, change-loving heart has been itching for a shake-up. Both the discomfort and the lower levels of joy should have been enough warning that I needed a change. Whether or not I initiated it myself wouldn’t impact the fact it was going to happen. As often does, the Universe took matters into its own hands when it became clear I was willing to sit back and coast for awhile longer.

A New Road; A New Mode of Travel

As often happens, when I lingered too long, the Universe calmly, but emphatically knocked me off that particular horse, then slapped it on the rump so it took off for home before I could attempt to remount. For all I know right now, it might even be readying the promised dragon as my next mode of conveyance. Invariably, I also get a highlights reel showing me exactly when I should have moved on of my own volition instead of waiting until my discomfort level was pegging the meter.

To come back around to the original topic, it seems my discomfort level last night could easily have been predicted. It doesn’t come down simply to one person, or group of people because they’re interwoven into a complete package which, however splintered we’ve become since November 2018, it’s all still pieces of one, semi-cohesive whole around which I’ve built my entire social life for too long. Much like my marriage which lingered overlong, I suspect onlookers knew it was time to mix things up, or even, break a few things off long before I, myself admitted the truth, much less, took action.

I’m not saying I’ll be leaving the entire dance community behind any time soon. I’ll just start being more selective, and maybe even traveling further afield than has been my wont, in an effort to keep the pleasure center which is dancing alive and well in my heart and mind.

Grateful for What I Have, and Whatever is Headed My Way

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for hitting a low point, ennui-wise, so I have to start looking for other ways to spend my ample free time.
2. I’m grateful for breaking free of certain commitments, thereby enabling me to start dabbling in new and different things.
3. I’m grateful for opportunities to inspire my change-loving soul.
4. I’m grateful for the new people crossing my path, and offering new opportunities.
5. I’m grateful for new ways to live a happy, busy, productive life.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.