Lessons Learned: The Reality of Friendships

Friendship Without Dancing

It’s another Thursday night when I’m sitting at the computer after walking and dinner, having once again talked myself out of getting cleaned up and going dancing. I’m not even feeling sad, or like I’m missing out on anything. In fact, I looked at tonight’s set list and realized I’d been out of the loop long enough that there are a number of dances I don’t even know now, whereas, I used to at least know 95% of them, even if I chose not to dance a lot of the simpler ones. Has it really been nearly 2 months since I was going regularly?

While sitting here trying to decide tonight, I realized part of the issue stems from the rude awakening I received last year when I discovered my expectations of friendship were grossly discordant with reality. Not only did I fail to understand friendships are as multi-layered as onions, but they require nurturing, just like any relationship, and I’ve clearly missed the entire series of courses which would have allowed me to fully comprehend not only the process, but the reasons behind being seemingly forever relegated to the outskirts of town, at least as far as the dance community is concerned.

One of the challenges I’ve been unable to surmount is the how to make the most of the brief encounters between dances. Others seem to be able to communicate in ways I cannot even fathom, much less recognize. As such, I’ve never really gone beyond the surface with most of the people. There are a couple of exceptions, but only because they date further back, when I was still new to the country dance world, and able to start from scratch. But those people, like me, are on the outskirts of the community these days, so we relate to each other better than those who trip lightly through the tangled maze of those who’ve figured out the rules of the game, the levels of friendship, and how to travel from one level to another.

Separating Exercise and Friendship

Part of my challenge right now is getting enough exercise in other ways, and keeping my calorie consumption at a lower level as well. Meanwhile, I’m working through the friendship levels as I would a tricky accounting problem. I know the answers are there, but I’m not quite sure how to get there at the moment. Unlike accounting, the rules aren’t as clear, nor do I have as much experience figuring my way through.

At least I’ve reached the point where it no longer bothers me. I’ve detached enough that I’m OK with traveling on the outskirts of a town which showed I was just a few steps above a visitor. I’m learning that when people tell me they’re my friend, they mean something completely different from the picture I’ve formed in my head. I’m learning most of them aren’t able to fully accept the soft, vulnerable parts of my I was willing to share. I’m learning to save those parts for a small group of people whose understanding of friendship is closer to mine.

With the rest, I can still be supportive and friendly, but only to a point. I’m having to re-educate myself as to what that means, and how to read the room, as it were so I know how much, or how little to actually give of myself based on the level of friendship being offered. It means holding back and allowing my inner Empath to truly recognize how much someone is able to handle. To be honest, for most of the people I know, it’s a whole lot less than I realized. To many, I must have felt like touching an electric fence at times.

A Better Relationship with Friendship

The hardest part for me now is getting past the knee-jerk reaction I’ve developed to the word “friend”. When talking to someone recently who said “I’m your friend” it set all sorts of alarm bells going off in my head, and a loudly unspoken response of “are you really?” I no longer trust the word when uttered by most people, and that’s a truly unfortunate turn of events which could have been avoided had I understood my expectations were unrealistically high in the first place. I’ve now dropped those expectations down to ground zero, pending further analysis of future actions.

The truth is, I no longer trust the word “friend” any more than I trust words like “god” or “good christian”. Despite the fact I’m feeling happy and light-hearted most of the time these days, I’m sad that I’ve had to move another word to my “guilty until proven innocent” list. In no small measure, it means I’m reverting to interacting superficially with almost everyone. It took me a long time to stop doing that, but until I understand the multi-faceted world surrounding the concept of friendship, I see no way to navigate it successfully.

I do understand my hurt feelings this year are in large part due to expecting more than others were able or willing to give. My disappointment in others is also disappointment in myself for failing to develop relationships which would have met with my expectations. I did learn if someone labels me a loner, or invulnerable, it’s more of a reflection on them, and what they’re able to handle. But it’s also a neon sign they’re not able to handle my messy, complicated, vulnerable self on anything more than a superficial level. I need to respect that, and keep my sharing to a minimum where they are concerned.

Grateful for Lessons and Blessings

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for the lessons I learned over the last year. It may take me awhile to put them into practice, but I definitely got the message.
2. I’m grateful for no longer needing to go dancing, or be around people who are surface level friends.
3. I’m grateful for being happy and joyful in the comfort of my home, and the company of my cats.
4. I’m grateful for an abundance of work which has kept me far from bored for the last couple of months.
5. I’m grateful for the handful of friends who truly can and want to know me on the deeper level I consider friendship to be.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful.