Neither Fitting Nor Sitting in Another’s Box

Kicking the Box to the Curb

Sometimes you see something which simply resonates, and the timing  couldn’t be more perfect. It’s another situation where the Universe reminds you you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be. As you may have noticed, the last couple of weeks have particularly challenging for me, so when this one showed up on my feed, I knew I had to not only share it, but expand on the concept.

Some people will love you as long as you fit in their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass. — Deliciously Wicked Desires

This has a lot to do with why I’m now, at least, partially detaching from a community with whom I’ve been a part for the better part of two decades. Unlike my cats, sitting in someone else’s predetermined, but elusive set of parameters, aka, an ill-fitting box is not my idea of a good time, much less a mutually beneficial relationship of any kind. In short, I don’t sit, even if I’ve tried desperately to fit.

As the Universe has been sending me a barrage of subtle, and not-so-subtle nudges of late (a sure sign I’ve been heeding its advice for a change), I know this one in particular is one of those neon signs that will become a Universal head slap if I fail to recognize the message and above all, take action. The truth is, this message has been repeated in numerous forms over the last few months. I’d act for a little while, then slide back because I failed to develop a plan which moved me forward.  I allowed my fears and insecurities to steer my ship for longer than was healthy.

Sticking to the Plan

This time, I have a plan, albeit more of an outline (and heaven knows, I can’t write from an outline, so living from one is going to be interesting), which lays out some new directions I can take to prevent me from reverting back to the old ones I already know do me more harm than good.

The funny thing is, I know I’m not the person I used to be, but when I think about it, I’m always looking back at the me 25 or so years ago. It’s time I gave myself credit for the progress made in the last 4 or 5 years; the last 6 months; the last couple of weeks. I’m a constantly evolving creature, much like most of you out there. I have my successes, and my lessons (it’s only a failure if you fail to learn and grow); my leaps forward, and my setbacks. Even the setbacks are lessons of some kind, whether they’re a time to regroup, a warning of danger ahead, or a plot twist I didn’t see coming.

Yet time and time again, I let myself get put into a box of someone else’s design when I’ve wallowed in solitude so long, I lose sight of the fact being myself is more important than belonging. In desperation, I’ll grab the first flimsy lifeline I see in the familiarity of places and people I know, if only peripherally. Knowing them peripherally should be my first indication I’m not meant to go beyond that point with them, and to keep moving until I encounter those with whom conformity is not a requirement for engagement.

Unconsciously Disengaging

The very fact I always end up doing something to shake things up, and push myself further outside the shelter of the collective should be enough to keep me walking past when I don’t slip easily into the fabric of a community. And one which sees fit to label me a loner or invulnerable because there are times I sit back and observe, or even isolate when I’m overwhelmed is one which has no place for me and my uniqueness. It’s their loss they’re unable to embrace me in my entirety as they embrace the ones they call their own, dear friends. I’m no more or less broken, healing, or steady than any of them. Thinking about it, maybe I’m less broken, or at least more aware. It makes them uncomfortable so they keep me at arm’s length.

I’m learning embracing someone in all their iterations depends on being able to embrace the self in those same iterations without throwing up walls and masks. I learned from my own experiences those walls and masks prevent you from being open to understand aspects of others which are unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or both. It’s easier to slap a label on them, however undeserved as it justifies your inability to include them, warts and all. It’s also easier to blame the non-conformist than to confront your own insensitivites.

Insensitivity Makes You Human

Let’s get this straight right now. We are all insensitive to something! In many cases, we’re unaware until we say or do the wrong thing to someone it affects, and they make it known we’ve crossed a line. They developed in the first place either because we lived a somewhat sheltered life where many of humanity’s struggles were outside our awareness, because we got hurt somewhere along the line and threw up electric fences to protect ourselves, or, most common of all, from the beliefs and prejudices of our families. However, the key to being better for and to yourself and the world is in owning those insensitivities and working to fix them.

I’m reminded of something I heard, not for the first time, last night. We’re all connected; every human being, every plant, every piece of dirt, every animal, every rock…everything and everyone inhabiting this Earth, and probably further out than any of us can imagine. Hurting any part of the whole has a ripple effect, impacting every other part in some way. By the same token, helping, being kind, showing compassion…contributing; all affect the other parts of the whole as well, making them stronger, better, and more resilient. Most of all, those acts of kindness and compassion make all the other parts feel more supported, and when you’re supported, you’re stronger.

Yet, it doesn’t mean we have to be directly connected to every community; every person physically, or proximally. We do need to find the community, and the people with whom we can be our best selves without restrictions. Only then can we give of our best selves, and do the most good for the collective. Forcing ourselves to fit in is not part of the equation. Boxes are for cats and presents, not for people. Containing the emotional/spiritual/energetic self never ends well, either for the person being contained, or the group which only accepts the contained one.

Grateful for the Barrage of Lessons

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for continued reminders to move away from anything which needs to contain my spirit in order to accept it.
2. I’m grateful for learning I’m best when I fly free, and keep my freak flag flying highly and proudly.
3. I’m grateful for learning to kick away the constraining walls I chose when trying to belong in the wrong places.
4. I’m grateful for learning I can find love and acceptance, but in the right places.
5. I’m grateful for all the bumps and bruises along the way which remind me to stay free of the expectations of others. Those are not my people, nor are they my friends.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

When the Comfort Zone Gets Uncomfortable

Face Change Fearlessly

Let’s face it. We’ve all done it; stayed too long at the party because leaving meant change, and change is scary. This time around, I’ve hung out for months knowing something had changed, and I’d worn out my welcome, but I stayed because old habits die hard; because leaving meant changing a lot of things I’d been doing, so I clung to my comfort zone like a lifeline. I finally realized it wasn’t a lifeline at all, but a crutch at best, and shackles at worst. It got to the point where letting go was the only option I had in order to put myself first.

So here I am, outside my comfort zone, and frankly, outside looking in on a community to which I no longer belong. I have plans to replace what I’m leaving, but putting them into practice is going to take effort and determination. Though I’m good with change in some areas of my life, it’s a struggle in others. Still, I feel lighter for having made the decision, even when I don’t know what the future holds as a result. My stress level has definitely dropped a few hundred points since making the decision though. That, alone is worth the discomfort of impending change.

For now, I’ll continue as I have been the last couple of weeks, writing more, and limiting my time on Social Media. With the changes in plans, I no longer need to have everyone’s events shoved in my face whenever I log on. I can be more selective, and check in only when I need information, or am looking to fill a particular night I know offers multiple choices. Meanwhile, I’m catching up on Hallmark Christmas movies, and giving my cats almost as much cuddling as they think they need.

The Color of Happiness

Some people need mood rings to help them (and perhaps the rest of the world) determine how they’re feeling on any given day. For me, my mood is clear to anyone paying attention by the colors I choose to wear. For a couple of weeks, I was drawn to the darker, more somber members of my wardrobe (which is tough as I don’t have a lot of them!).

At first, I blamed it on my response to the election, but now that I’ve returned to my hot pinks and neon oranges, I realize it was far more, and had been building for the last few months. As soon as I made the decision to step away from what had become too comfortable in some ways, and constricting in others, my mood lightened, and my rainbow bedecked self came shining through. It turned out, I’d been stifling my inner light like I was eschewing my gaudier garb of choice.

The happiness bubbling through my body as I remove things from my schedule which no longer fit; no longer serve my best interests, to replace them with people, places, and things which, worst case, will be neutral for awhile. The simple act of removing myself from uncomfortable, unwelcoming situations is incredibly freeing. My heart knew things had changed, but my head didn’t want to believe it for awhile as it meant, or so I thought, giving up things I loved, and avoiding people whose company I enjoyed.

No Longer Part of a Collection

It wasn’t until I took a giant step back that I realized I was basing my choices on the one thing I’ve worked so hard to release in myself; facades. Funny. The song “Smiling Faces” has been running through my head a lot lately. I finally figured out why, as my intuition screaming at me didn’t seem to be enough until now.

Once again, I allowed myself to be manipulated, more by my human need to belong than anything else. I allowed myself to remain in orbit around a moon which collected orbs like me like jelly beans in an Easter basket; enjoyed in the collective but with little value for my individuality. That’s where the stifling began. The truth is, I’m not alone in needing to be valued for myself. Where I still wander in the dark is the places I erroneously believe I’ll find that. Why it took me so long to realize I was little more than an anonymous member of a fan club will puzzle me for a long time.

Puzzled or not, I’ve returned to my own rather erratic orbit. It might take some time to find my way back to a path going somewhere or other, but at least the path I’m on is my own again. My comfort zone is currently unrecognizable, but I’m willing to live with that too. I’d rather be rootless, where the only thing tethering me to a semblance of reality is my home, my cats, and my books, than held back by something or someone who finds me uncomfortably unrelatable.

I realized it’s perfectly OK for some to perceive me as a closed off, invulnerable, unfeeling loner. They’re not meant to see me as I really am, and maybe my heart knew they couldn’t handle my larger-than-life, messy, chaotic self anyway, and held back my essence when I didn’t know better than to do it myself. It’s nice to know there are protections in place to not only protect my heart; my light from a harsh world, but to protect me from giving too much of myself away to the wrong people.

Grateful for the Strength I’m Finding

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for finding the strength to leave a comfort zone that was no longer comfortable.
2. I’m grateful for the parts of me which are looking out when I’m wearing blinders.
3. I’m grateful for options, and for change, and for new opportunities.
4. I’m grateful for amazing, interesting, unexpected days ahead.
5. I’m grateful for a life outside my comfort zone.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.