Making Changes for Better or Worse

Finding Workable Change

rutThis year has been one of changes; some intentional, and some thrust upon me in the Universe’s inimitable way of forcing me out of a rut I may or may not have been aware of. What has manifested as a lack of desire to be around people is slowly evolving into a lack of interest in being around the wrong people. I realized I was, once again, trying to force myself into a box of what I perceived was someone else’s expectations, only to discover, I was on the outside looking in more often than not. Worst of all, I was failing to be authentic, and true to the most important person in my life…me.

Missed dance nights and Zoom ballet classes are only the tip of the iceberg. I’ve begun feeling uncomfortable in my own skin because the skin I was attempting to be in was confining, and stifling my breath. Walking in the fresh air became preferable to dancing in a dimly lit room where there wasn’t even a place I could sit and feel included; feel comfortable; feel like me.

I’ve strengthened my resolve to spend more time on on-demand ballet classes. While I don’t get the feedback, I do get the slower paced instruction I need right now. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do about dancing. I know I can’t eliminate it entirely. Where I’ll find a place to dance that makes me feel comfortable and included remains to be seen. All I know is, the handful of people with whom I feel comfortable, heard, and included can’t be found on a dance floor nearby with any regularity.

Retreat Isn’t Always a Step Back

As such, I’ve been retreating slowly but surely for the better part of this year. It was necessary in order to get my bearings and look at my options before re-charting my course. To be honest, I still don’t know where, or what that will be, but at least now I’m open to suggestions.

Part of the process is recognizing who I can trust with the entire, messy, perfectly imperfect conglomeration of feelings and experiences making up the unique person who is me. At the moment, that list is extremely short, and maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be. I’m not exactly an expert on social behavior, tending to retreat when I feel rejected or uncomfortable.

The crux of the matter is I’ve been going through some changes regarding who I truly am, and where I want to go with whatever is left of this life of mine. That confusion is more than likely coming across in my interactions with the people I’ve been around for years. Perhaps the exclusion I’m feeling is simply their discomfort in the presence of my confusion. Either that, or it’s the voices in my head saying “you don’t belong here.”

Replacing Structure with Balance

Though I have spoken a bit to my trusted few about some of my soul-searching, there are aspects I’m not ready to share, just as there are past traumas I’ve shared with no one I currently know, and frankly, have no plans to do so. Some things, I believe, are better kept locked deep, down inside sharing-wise, though dealing with the feelings in my own way still needs to happen at some point.

What I do know is I need to keep my activity level up for my own health and well-being. However, I also need to do so in an environment where I feel a lot more than just tolerated. As such, I missed a dance night, which I rarely do, not because I didn’t feel like dancing, but because I didn’t want to deal with the uncertainty of where I’d be sitting, and who I’d be sitting with. I only knew I had to make a change…when I’m ready.

My ballet classes are another area where I need the structure of regular days and times, while on the other hand, I need to work on things at my own pace rather than trying to manage body control, check lists, and remembering choreography all at the same time. The feedback I do get with live classes is no longer a strong enough motivator. Somehow, I need to self-motivate to set a regular schedule for myself with maybe one or two live classes a week.

Losing People Along the Way

I’m not the person I was a year ago. I know that. I’ve lost people along the way; my daughter, my grandchildren, people I thought were trusted friends and weren’t, and even some I trusted with too much. It’s not that I believe any of them are out to cause me harm. They’re simply not able to engage with me in the give and take necessary to keep any kind of relationship alive and healthy.

This process of change is also seeing me retreating from Facebook, and creating an account on Bluesky. I honestly don’t know right now if I’ll become active there, or simply use it as another place to share my blog posts. Only time will tell. I’m not ready to share the account, or even my presence there overtly in other places. Maybe in time. The good news is, I won’t be inclined to spend a lot of time there, as I’ve only connected with a couple of people I know so far, and I’ve yet to find anyone to follow who posts the inspirational, motivational things I love to see.

For now, I’ll let my fingers do the talking on what seems to be evolving into daily posts. Daily writing, be it here, morning pages, or something else has always been a balm to my perpetually wounded spirit. I won’t solve the problems of the world, but I’ll manage how problems both internal and external are affecting me. That’s really all I can hope to accomplish anyway.

Finding Gratitude in Chaos

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for evolution, wherever it takes me.
2. I’m grateful for deciding to make peace with myself, and going where I want to rather than where I think I need to.
3. I’m grateful for realizing I need to change my own behavior in order to attract people with the morals and ideals I want to embrace.
4. I’m grateful for allowing myself to step back and regroup before walking back into the fray with a more open heart.
5. I’m grateful for knowing some people are done with me, and for realizing that’s OK.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.