When the World No Longer Makes Sense

Humanity Has Lost All Sense

I’m angry and I’m sad. I’m looking for someone to blame, and yet I prefer the company of my cats to any human right now. I’m trying to make sense of a world which has lost all sense…and maybe it did long before now, but I kept a flicker of hope alive they’d find their Humanity before it was too late. That moment has passed. To allow our country to fall into such a shameful state of ugliness, hate, and disrespect is beyond my comprehension. My flicker of hope is dying for lack of fresh, clean air.

My cats are especially clingy, sensing I’m in distress. My body is misbehaving as well with rumbles and groans deep inside playing background music to my thoughts in turmoil. I’m keeping to myself because I can’t trust my mouth to stay shut rather than lambast some of the people I know helped this travesty come to fruition. I’m in grave danger of allowing myself to become one with them, and hate for no good reason. Human beings are better off avoiding me at all costs right now. I’m definitely lousy company.

The idea of going out in public is about as appealing as walking knowingly into the pivotal scene of a bad horror movie. I see distorted faces, and reaching hands with long, distended fingers at every turn. I thought about texting a friend, but there wasn’t anyone it felt right to text, either to share my anxiety with, or who I felt safe with any more. Either I know they’re busy with their own life traumas, or they’re what I’m beginning to think of as “one of those”; the ones who helped the horror story we’re quickly moving into come to pass. As such, they’re no longer a safe place for me to share my thoughts, hopes, fears, or even successes.

The World is No Longer My Oyster

The short version is, I’m unable to navigate a world which has swung so far away from anything which makes sense. I can find no path to navigate which isn’t fraught with perils and pitfalls. So I order food in, cancel my walk when my intestines go on the warpath, and binge watch Hallmark Christmas movies with a cat or three on my lap. It’s simple, but at least, in my tortured mind, it makes a simple kind of sense.

Oddly enough, it’s my cats who keep me from selling everything, and running off to a small, semi-deserted island right now. They’re the only things which keep me tethered, as my work can be handled anywhere there’s a decent internet connection (so I guess I’d best choose my island wisely).

My dreams are filled with contradictions; with my life being out of control, yet, when offered something simpler, I’m unwilling to settle, in part, because doing so means giving someone else control over my life in a way I walked away from 11 years ago. As much as I see this country, and everything it touches spiraling out of control right now, it’s especially important to maintain the slim threads I have on my own life. Soon, it may be all I have tethering me to a reality I’d much rather detach from entirely…if only there was a way to do so while giving my cats the love and care they deserve.

Revisiting Trauma in a New and More Horrifying Form

In a way, it reminds me of the night I sat up watching the news, my heart filled with horror and dread as the story of a lone shooter in what was once my safe place unfolded. Now, I’m watching a lone madman, but this time backed by a lot of rich, greedy, power-hungry, immoral henchmen raze the world I’d grown up believing would outlast me, my kids, and my grand kids. Now, I’m not so sure it’ll last out MY lifetime. That, alone makes me unbearably sad because despite his madness, a lot of people I know continue to believe he’s actually good for this country and the world!

I want to shout: “Wake up people! The Emperor has no clothes!” but I know my voice won’t even carry past my own mouth, much less will it reach ears who will actually respond; who will actually help change the bullet train of unfolding events. The volcano that’s erupted will leave no one unscathed.

Nowhere to Go, Nothing Left to Do

I know sitting here in my isolation, pounding on my keyboard won’t make a bit of difference…not even to me. I’ll still be angry, sad, frustrated, and horrified. Though I’ve left Social Media, and never turn on the news, there is no sand pit deep enough to bury my head and escape what’s coming.

I’ll just say this, to all who thought bringing an angry, hateful, disrespectful, misogynistic, lunatic back into a place of enormous power, “thank you very much for destroying everything many of us held dear in your selfish attempt to make the rest of us live as YOU see fit; for your entitlement in being as angry and ugly as humanly possible (and given humanity’s history, that says a lot), and for allowing yourself, and the rest of us with you to be dragged down into a world which will soon be a gigantic, rotating orb of toxicity. I’m sure your own children and grandchildren will thank you for failing to preserve a world where they could live, love, and thrive.”

Finding Gratitude in an Ungrateful World

My gratitudes today (and yes, I still have some) are:

1. I’m grateful for still having a place where I can retreat from all the toxic human waste.
2. I’m grateful for Sundays playing with kitties.
3. I’m grateful for Hallmark Christmas movies.
4. I’m grateful for my ultra-comfy, cat approved, new sofa and loveseat where I can cuddle with my cats and shut out the world I now wish to avoid at most costs.
5. I’m grateful for the strength I’ve found to detach from social media, and most of the rest of the world while I’m too angry, horrified, and frustrated to keep from saying things to peoples’ faces I know won’t do any good, and will taint my own karma.

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