Consistently Inconsistent

Clearing the Cobwebs

I know. It’s been a minute or twelve since I’ve written anything here. It seems I’m either writing every day, or I’m not writing at all. I don’t seem to have an in-between setting. As such, I’m consistently inconsistent. Or maybe it should be inconsistently consistent? Either way, it’s an all or nothing situation, writing-wise.

It isn’t that I didn’t have things I wanted to say over the last couple of weeks. I simply couldn’t motivate myself to sit down at the keyboard and start hammering away, allowing my convoluted brain to guide my fingers wherever it might. Mentions of therapy and therapists reminded me I’d been neglecting mine…mainly, my writing. This is where I dig down deep inside and admit to the things that are bothering me, and as such, are triggering something old and messy. I should have realized, given the dreams I’ve been having of late, it was time for a little Autumn cleaning.

I haven’t quite figured out what motivates me to sit down and spill the tea, as the Brits would say. There are times I lie in bed, tossing, turning, and changing positions, all the while disturbing my poor, emotional support kitties who, given all the emotional support they give me, need their nightly rest. Artemis in particular waits patiently until I get myself wrapped around my body pillow properly before she climbs on top of both me and the pillow to make her nightly batch of biscuits while purring loudly enough to rattle the newly installed vertical blinds. (she’s also discovered running back and forth along the window sill until said blinds create a cacophony is a good way to drag me from the latest crazy dream to give her breakfast.)

A Different Kind of Therapy

Nevertheless, a quieter work week, and successful completion of many of my chores hasn’t been enough motivation…until now. And yet, I find myself oddly calm, and without a lot to dump. Had I written this right after the cruise a couple of weeks ago, I might have found more to say. I certainly ran the roller coaster of feelings then, though interestingly, I was able to suss out my own reactions and recognize my isolation in a crowd was me throwing up walls when I became overwhelmed by the human chaos. Such self-realization allowed me to take an active part in the crazy, loud, people-y Sunday night farewell party joyfully.

There were a couple of surprises that night though. Someone I’ve known for awhile, but not well made a point of letting me know she understood my withdrawal the night before, but was glad I was out and joining in the fun in the moment. Another friend had tried to include me when I was standing out on the sidelines, but understood when I told her I needed to be more out in the open. Clearly, feeling overwhelmed in a crowd isn’t a road I travel solo any more. There are others who relate, and handle it in their own way. As individuals, we certainly handle our stressful situations as best we can, or as we’ve learned to through extensive trial and error.

Even there, I’m consistently inconsistent. Sometimes, I need to withdraw completely, while others, I seem to just need to gravitate towards people who are a little less chaotic emotionally to allow my own nerve endings to be soothed rather than triggered. What I do know is I spent a lot less time alone in my cabin, and even ventured out to the jacuzzi on port day until it got too crowded with people returning from Ensenada. It was there I discovered I’m going to have to retire my bathing suit as it’s becoming decidedly too large, and was literally drooping off my butt! Not a predutty sight, I’m sure!

Bonus Points for Inconsistency

I’m also learning there are no bonus points for being consistent (read: predictable) all the time. In fact, it’s the dreaded rut I actively avoid. Sure, it would be nice to get back to my regular writing. It wasn’t that long ago I’d schedule up to a month’s worth of thrice-weekly posts on a regular basis. I suspect if I look back at those posts, I’d either find an incredible amount of angst spilled out on these pages, or worse, a lot of mindless babble, just to ensure I had all my posts written. Still, I have no regrets. What I wrote at the time needed to be written, if for no other reason than my personal therapy. That it sometimes touched someone else’s mind, heart, or spirit was, and always will be the added bonus I get from dumping my thoughts onto these pages for anyone who’s inclined to read.

The one thing I’m grateful for right now is that I’ve broken the wall of resistance I’d erected to spilling my thoughts, and allowing my mind to wander for a few paragraphs. I may be falling short of the 1000-1500 words I used to spew, but it’s about the action, not the quantity, much like my daily walks which are about the distance, not the speed.

Overwhelmed with Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m grateful for always returning to my writing, no matter how far I’ve traveled, or how long it’s been.
2. I’m grateful for having this place to air my thoughts, and work through the latest round of suppressed feelings. I know I’ll never cover them all in this lifetime, but I’ve gotten off to a really good start after what I suspect are several lifetimes of avoiding my feels.
3. I’m grateful for friends who share their own journeys, and encourage mine in a burst of unsuspecting kindness and motivation.
4. I’m grateful for a reason to say no to a trip, the mere thought of which makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes, you need to recognize when you’re invited because of a sense of duty.
5. I’m grateful for a commitment I made to help someone other than myself for a change.

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.