Give a Hand, Take a Hand

A Helping Hand Goes Both Ways

Over the years, I’ve come to terms with the choice I made to come into this life with certain lessons to learn. Some of them have come fairly easily, barely registered as learning experiences. One of the toughest ones took a lot of time to begin. Unbeknownst to me, I was laying a lot of groundwork for the lesson’s commencement.

With that groundwork came a lot of weeds, pebbles, and even a few overwhelmingly enormous boulders. When the lesson finally began, I was armed to the teeth to resist…at all costs. That lesson would force me to accept I couldn’t, and shouldn’t go through my life only offering a helping hand, but never accepting one. Doing so only leads to resentment, and ultimately, resistance on one side or the other, and often both.

One of the biggest obstacles for me to overcome was a generations-old belief system which dictated asking for help was a sign of weakness. Only by working hard, and always under your own power could you reach the top of your personal mountain, and hold your position. Not only was asking for help an unforgivable weakness, it meant giving away your personal power. Never mind there were times your own physical strength, knowledge, or mental abilities weren’t sufficient to reach the desired apex, much less, holding the position for more than a nanosecond. Essentially, I was taught settling is better than letting go of values which caused more harm than good.

Accepting Your Worthiness

Unfortunately, realizing I didn’t have to settle was tied into a sense of unworthiness which needed to be overcome and cleared before lessons in accepting help could begin. After all, as long as I considered myself unworthy, the last thing I’d be looking for from other people was help. My deeply ingrained belief system screamed:

Why should anyone help you? What have you done with your miserable life to deserve anything from anyone?

Sound familiar? Too many of us grow up believing we’re a zit on the face of life; worthy of, at best being ignored, and at worst, expulsion. We believe to the depth of our souls other peoples’ lives are more important than ours, and everyone is too busy living their own lives to take time out for us. Learning that belief is a complete crock of shit was a long and arduous road for me. It never occurred to me people want to help others out of the goodness of their own hearts. Or even, in the words of Nadia Bolz-Weber, out of a need to “selfishly be of service”.

What??? How can you selfishly be of service? Why would helping someone else be selfish? In her article “Bravery is Relative”  she talks about things which make her extremely anxious, to the point of panic attacks. Trust me, we all have them. She’s learned getting outside her brain by being of service to others, she’s able to get past those moments, and circumvent a full-blown panic attack. Thus, though someone else might benefit from her actions, her intentions are to help herself, and protect her own mental health.

We, the overthinkers of the world, have probably utilized this ploy to redirect our brains on many occasions. I, for one, never put a name to it. I simply used it to fill my brain with something else so I wouldn’t think myself into hysteria. Well, guess what? Sometimes, you have to be the vehicle for someone else’s selfish service. One of the things I had to learn while figuring out it was OK to ask for help, was, at times, it was also an act of generosity to allow someone to help me.

Giving is Receiving

Sure, for awhile, my brain exploded at the concept of asking for help being an act of giving as well as receiving. It’s about as counter-intuitive as it gets. But over time, and with practice, I’ve learned give-and-take is almost an art form. It’s surely a dance.

I have a close friend who’s in his 80’s and has been retired for awhile. For most of his adult life, he worked two jobs, yet still found time to help friends with vehicle, and household repairs. Needless to say, he’s not handling retirement as well as he might, especially when he’s forced to be idle after a minor surgery or illness. As such, I’m one of the fortunate, and extremely grateful beneficiaries of his need to stay busy, .

For awhile, he justified helping me without compensation because I was struggling financially, and maybe even out of a little bit of guilt for being financially comfortable (totally unnecessary, mind you. He simply made better choices). Though things have improved for me greatly, he still justifies it by telling me he loves fixing things for his friends. I’ve finally come to understand it, but am careful about mentioning too many repairs I need. However, I also know if he does take on a task, it will be done well, and probably better than if I hired a local tradesman who’s most likely deluged with work, and understaffed.

Keeping the Give and Take in Balance

That’s not to say I’m not always on the lookout for something I can do for him in return, but it no longer bothers me if I go long stretches without finding anything, because I know the projects he does for me both keep his mind sharp, and help him avoid going stir-crazy. Like me, he lives alone, which can be both a blessing, and a curse.

These days, I ask for help when I need it, and accept it gracefully, and gratefully. I look for ways to be of service to others as well. I know many of my friends are too much like me, and have trouble asking for help, so I’ve learned to recognize a need, or opportunity to give someone a hand, and simply fill it as best I can. My friend doesn’t need to ask, and I can be selfishly of service. We both win in the end, and best of all, our friendship becomes stronger for our ability to be there for each other.

The beautiful lesson I’ve learned here is the more you take a hand, the more you have to give, and the more you give, the easier it is to receive. My only hope here is future generations stop teaching their children asking for help is a sign of weakness. Only the stronger people I know accept help gracefully, and give others the opportunity to help themselves by helping someone else.

Grateful to Be Able to Give and Receive

My gratitudes today are:

1. I’m gracefully for losing my tendency to do it alone, or not at all.
2. I’m grateful for friendships that grow stronger by helping each other.
3. I’m grateful for the strength I’ve gained with the give and take I get to have with my friends.
4. I’m grateful for learning vulnerability is my greatest strength, not my worst weakness.
5. I’m grateful for a life of gratitude, service; both given and received, and sharing life’s joys and challenges on this journey we call “Life”.

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.

If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author