Use Your Trauma to Evolve
Trauma is a Powerful Tool
Photo-Tim Green via Flikr
Many of you grew up believing your trauma was meant to be hidden way; locked up tight to keep out prying eyes, and those who would use what they considered a moment of weakness to use or abuse you. You built walls, and nourished your trauma responses, all the while creating a cesspool of unexpressed feelings you couldn’t release. In short, you bought into the lies and stigma that made feelings and vulnerability bad things.
The result was generations of broken people unable to find joy, or connect with others. Everyone lived the lie saying life was perfect and they were completely in control at all times. Finding joy was a pipe dream few ever found in real life. Being able to let down your guard and be your authentic self was something only found in fairy tales.
Though you’ve probably had a lot of experience dealing with past trauma, it still takes an incredible amount of courage to break away from outdated social mores and admit, even to a chosen few you’re not as immovable as you let most people believe. Finding those chosen few is especially challenging because it involves taking risks on people without necessarily knowing they can be trusted with your softer self. Because you expect to get hurt, the first few times will likely be self-fulfilling prophecies. Oddly enough, you will get stronger, and more discerning with each less-than-stellar attempt at authenticity.
Learning to be Discerning
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to have a long list of major traumas in your past to 
make you cautious, and even gun-shy. How badly you’ve been hurt or broken isn’t as important as the tools you accessed to manage the pain, and continue living. Suicide rates are evidence not everyone can, or will continue creating coping mechanisms, much less reach out for help when they need it.
The one major lesson I’ve gained from my own traumas and coping mechanisms is you are not meant to stand alone. Neither are you meant to trust anyone and everyone. In fact, learning who to trust and who to keep at arm’s length (or perhaps even further) is part of the lesson plan you signed up for, whether you realize it or not. I, myself have erred in both directions, though trusting too easily will always have more painful negative results when you get it wrong. It’s also the route with the greatest potential for reward.
Now that I’ve shed a lot of the lessons I learned from my family, I would rather trust too easily than not enough. In the long run, at least for me, the pain from one is far less than the joy derived from the other. Nothing has brought me greater joy than being accepted into a community without reservation, expectation, or judgement.
Becoming Part of a Community
Photo-Jared Lynem via Flikr
Finding my community opened my eyes in a way nothing else in my life ever has. It showed me what was behind the curtain, and how easily I could have it, simply by letting go of old beliefs and stepping into the unknown. (OK, in hindsight, maybe it wasn’t exactly simple, but it wasn’t rocket science either).
Looking back, I wouldn’t call those first steps out from behind my walls simple. In fact, they were downright terrifying. I stumbled and fell a number of times. In the process, I learned there were people I’d come to call “friend” or “family” who would accept me at my best, worst, and all points in between. They wouldn’t be afraid to disagree with me or be honest, but they’d always have my back.
There are also people I’ve learned are more “friendly acquaintance” than “friend”. They put on a good face, and they’re pleasant company until you have a bad day and show them a side of you that doesn’t fit their expectations or set-in-stone social mores. Their friendliness only extends to the side of you they consider pleasant company. I’ve been deceived a few times by this type because often they were willing to show the side of themselves that was struggling and less pleasant, but weren’t interested in seeing mine.
Forging On Despite the Fears and Setbacks
Those experiences could have shoved me back behind my walls and masks. A couple even did
Photo-an iconoclast via Flikr
for a time. I learned once your Pandora’s Box of trauma and feelings is breached, there’s no going back. You have to wander around for awhile, feeling the feelings, hurting the hurts until you stumble on those who will accept the broken, questing person you need to be in order to rebuild stronger, more resilient, and willing to be unapologetically authentic, and vulnerable.
Once you start feeling supported, shedding your own protective mechanisms becomes easier. You learn no matter how far you fall, and how many gashes and bruises you might acquire in the process, there will be someone to help you back to your feet, dress your wounds, and support you while you regain your strength, and can once again stand unassisted.
The real revelation comes when you realize you’ll never truly stand unassisted again. There’s always someone there to support you, or who needs your support. Either way, you’re a three-dimensional being instead of a single stack of blocks waiting for the next earthquake to knock it back down.
What Doesn’t Destroy You Makes You Stronger
Strength-Spiral Tarot
The biggest lesson I learned is trauma isn’t meant to destroy you. It’s not meant to crush you into a pile of rubble that can never be rebuilt. It is meant to test you, both in how you put yourself back together, and in how you learn to build a team so every member is stronger for the association. Each member has highs and lows; times when they need to be supported, and times when they can support someone else through a tough time. And everyone deserves to have a team; a community to belong to.
Getting past the belief you’re unworthy, or don’t deserve to be included, much less helped is probably one of the hardest things I had to release. The lesson was burned into my psyche like a rancher’s brand on a cow. In a way, I had to physically cut out a piece of myself in order to get rid of it, and, like a cancer, there are still cells left that periodically try to regenerate, and need to be excised once again.
Perhaps that’s why I’m such a fan of mantras. Repeating them over and over reminds me I can and will release those old, false beliefs and replace them with the ones I’ve acquired over the last couple of decades that allow me to reach out, to accept help, and to believe I deserve it.
Building on a Foundation of Gratitude
My gratitudes today are:
- I’m grateful for my traumas and false beliefs which taught me I’m stronger, and more supported than I ever imagined.
- I’m grateful for my community who, despite my occasional disbelief, loves my broken and cobbled back together self just the way I am, but also helps me heal and grow.
- I’m grateful for the creativity and flow of ideas that seems to have burst into new life over the last couple of weeks.
- I’m grateful for new opportunities and resources that show up just when I need them.
- I’m grateful for abundance; love, joy, support, community, creativity, opportunity, friendship, vulnerability, courage, encouragement, acceptance, forgiveness, peace, health, harmony, balance, philanthropy, and prosperity.
Namaste
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental 
health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income.
If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook as Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author
Like many from my generation, I wasn’t raised to be open and honest. Instead, I was taught the world was a cruel place, and sharing your feelings was an invitation for abuse. Unfortunately, the Empath in me writhed in pain having to hold my very essence deep inside. I built walls around my heart, and locked my soul in what would ultimately prove to be a Pandora’s box awaiting the right moment to explode into a veritable flood of unprocessed sewage filled with long-suppressed emotions.
Every so often, I’d find someplace I seemed to fit, but it didn’t last. I had a foot in two different, and incompatible worlds, and didn’t know how to break free of the one that was slowly killing the person inside; the person I was meant to be. I remember attending a party with the meditation group I’d joined. One woman said to me: “You’re so buttoned up. I’d just like to pull you apart and break you free.” I found her comment hurtful at the time, and it was probably the reason I later pulled back from people who might truly have helped me pull my foot out of the world where I was born, but didn’t belong.
them abused alcohol to unsuccessfully hide from the part of himself that was the most honest and real. To my credit, it only took me 10 years to realize I’d made a poor choice, and to take steps to fix it. Learning to open up came several years later, but getting out of a world where suppressing my emotions was considered normal was the first step.
At times, I stop and think about how much of a burden I dropped when I no longer felt compelled to live by the standards I was raised with, or seek the approval of people who would always find me lacking. Yet since I stopped trying to maintain bonds that were never tight or enduring in the first place, I honestly haven’t noticed a gap in my life where those bonds should have been. Their lives and mine have taken completely different trajectories, and I’m OK with that. They were a part of my life as long as they were supposed to be, and that’s enough.
through the worst part of the evolution, the part where the caterpillar turns into a puddle of goo before reforming into a butterfly. Maybe that’s why I’m so attracted to the bright, happy creatures, and see them everywhere these days. They truly are the embodiment of transformation, and I believe I had to turn myself completely inside out in order to become myself.
I like to see men who aren’t afraid to sweat or get dirty. When I see one at the gym who’s always perfectly coiffed, it makes me suspicious (is it real, or a rug?). Having been one of those whose outward appearance didn’t match my inner turmoil, I know that extreme perfection likely hides a teeming maelstrom of unhandled emotions and trauma.
perfectly groomed. Half the time I wouldn’t call myself groomed at all these days. More like “comfortable” if I’m being kind, and sloppy if I’m being honest. But I love my comfortable sloppy self now. To be honest, I was never a fan of the me who got up early to fix my hair, and put on makeup, hose, and heels. It was never truly me, and the shell in which I contained myself chafed and bound my true spirit, even if I didn’t know what that was at the time.
Too many have been brought up to believe feelings and emotions are just that; ugly and messy. After going through my own explosions; my own shattering, and ultimately rebuilding into a better, stronger me, I’ll take the one who can express their emotions honestly over someone who hides them behind masks and walls every day. If nothing else, I know how volatile they are behind the masks and walls, and how close they are to an explosion and melt down of their own. I’d rather not be in the way when their emotional lava begins to flow; covering everything and everyone in range with years of pent-up toxicity.
hurriedly looked for a scapegoat. All too often, it was someone like me who had no hidden agenda, and saw no reason to use others to improve my position. It took a few times of finding myself at the bottom of someone else’s rubble heap before I finally decided I’d had enough, and realized I had the strength to walk away. By then, I’d already started letting some of those walls down, and in hindsight, I think it made others who hadn’t feel threatened. They needed to lash out, and had a good reason, in their minds, to blame me for their discomfort.
Families are messy. Some are close, some, not so much. Mine is mostly in the latter category, both extended, and even my immediate family. Yes, I’ve formed a family of close friends to fill the gap, but that doesn’t mean I don’t sometimes feel a little lonely and forgotten by the people with whom I share blood.
to have a relationship when communication is limited to occasional text messages. I didn’t even know she’d moved out of state until I learned through her sister after the birth of her twin boys. In fact, the text I received announcing their birth the day before, when I learned their grandfather had been present was the final straw. But I mistakenly assumed he’d driven from Arizona to California to be there. Inasmuch as she’d lived a mile or so away from me for several years, I had no reason to believe anything had changed. Yet it seems things had changed…significantly.
My circle of friends isn’t immune to the challenges of maintaining relationships within their own blood families. Some have strained or non-existent relationships with children, siblings, and even parents just as I have.
even myself. In the case of the latter, I’m learning the best options are to write or talk about it, as holding it in and pretending things are fine means letting it fester and grow. I’m still working on cleaning up the toxic dump I created by holding everything in for years.
Unfortunately, it meant a lot of isolation until I learned to release my strangle hold on walls and masks, because until I did, I didn’t feel welcome anywhere. It wasn’t until I felt like I was losing the only person in the world who cared whether I lived or died that I realized I had to make some changes; I was meant to make some changes. I had come here to break family patterns, and though I’d already unconsciously broken some, the important ones, and also the most painful were yet to be broken.
my daughter who might benefit from my experience with twins. In the case of my daughter, I know she has people around her who are helping her manage. She’s chosen her own family, just as I’ve chosen mine. I respect her wishes and choices but there are still times I have to have a good wallow over it. I truly wish things could be different, but after waiting almost 15 years, I’m done waiting for Godot. She is who she is. I am who I am. We’re both stubborn, but she’s a “my way or the highway” kind of woman. I have to choose the highway on this one.
I’m one of those who, I learned as a teenager, are the rare few who dream in color, and remember their dreams, often in vivid, kaleidoscopic detail. I’ve learned when a vivid dream fails to politely remove itself from my memory like most dreams do shortly after I’ve woken, there’s a message I need to take away from it. Sometimes, it also means I need to take some kind of action. On rare occasions, it’s a warning as well.
soldiers. I learned it means a couple of things, but mostly good fortune, prosperity, fertility, and that I’m loved and protected by my friends and family in all my endeavors. Also patience. Slow and steady wins the race, as it were. An alternate meaning is something is going to happen that will cause me great pleasure. My material situation will improve and I’ll have great success with my work.
I find it interesting there was an interpretation for a large number of the creatures as opposed to just individuals of various breeds. Frankly, I couldn’t tell the difference between a box, snapping, or red eared slider turtle when a bunch of tiny ones were playing tag around my feet. In hindsight, they also moved more quickly than I’d imagine a tiny turtle could move, but no one ever said dreams had to be completely accurate. The turtles came to me to make a point, not to exhibit perfect turtle behavior.
about attracting clients and “doing the do”, and more time showing up, writing, posting, commenting, reading, and re-sharing. Although I’ve been told by several professional copywriters that what I’m sharing, where I’m sharing it, and how I’m sharing it is ineffective, I believe it’s a matter of interpretation.
I meet too many people, especially from my generation who spent decades closed up and afraid to show any sign of imperfection because that’s the way we were raised. I truly believed there wasn’t another human alive who cared about my feelings, or who wouldn’t take advantage of me if I stumbled. For years, my experiences supported this belief, not because that’s how everyone was, but because I attracted what and who I expected to see.
Realization began to dawn when I did one of those personality games on Facebook. The result I got is in the image. I shared it with the comment “this one made me laugh”. To my surprise, a woman I’d met in the last year or so commented that she agreed with the result. Not only that, she said I put her at ease. Of course, I was touched, but I was also stunned. Someone feels comfortable with me, and thinks I put them at ease? How can that be? My inner voice started clamoring.
but it’s become abundantly clear I haven’t learned to believe people are truly and honestly happy to see me and include me in their lives. I’ve been so used to being on the outskirts of any group, or worse, tolerated, I failed to recognize it was no longer true. Deep down, I’m still waiting for that moment when I say or do something wrong, and am back on the outside looking in.
While I’m honored, blessed, and grateful for what is clearly a much more positive impact than I gave myself credit for, I’m a bit ashamed for misjudging the people I started attracting when I stopped trying so hard to fit in, and began letting them see who and what I truly am.
could be. Today, the people I know and love surprise me with the depths of compassion and acceptance they constantly exhibit without hesitation or prejudice.
Going to the gym 3 times a week gives me a lot of time to think. At the moment, I only use the strength training equipment as my daily walks and dancing give me plenty of opportunity for cardio. If I get really bored, I can always clean house!
Not only are most of them both lean and muscular, but they carry themselves with an attitude that says loudly and clearly: “Mess with me and I’ll turn you into a human pretzel without breaking a sweat!”
Not that this is a bad thing. Many follow the “fake it ’til you make it” doctrine. Somehow, I don’t think the intent behind that premise is to tell the world a bunch of lies in the mistaken belief they’ll buy something from you and make your declarations true. If you’re going to fake it ’til you make it, I believe the answer lies in having a genuine attitude of gratitude for what you already have, who you are, and the endless possibilities at your disposal.
The nature of the business I’ve chosen to build depends on getting a real feel for the person I’m working with. They have to know, like, and trust me enough to emulate their beliefs and style in a believable fashion. I have to understand them and their message on a fairly deep level in order to do that. I’m willing to put in the time it requires, but only for someone I know is as committed as me to that type of business relationship. It definitely isn’t for everyone, which is a good thing, or there’d be too little of me to go around!
replacing them with “badass” doesn’t sit right either because in my mind, it’s merely another facade. It keeps business relationships impersonal where clients or customers are nothing more than dollars and cents on a P & L or numbers on a pipeline.
September 11th came and went this year as it always does, along with the memories, the feelings, both repressed and expressed, and the knee jerk reactions. But then again, it wasn’t really the same at all.
house once a week but instead of slothing it in front of the TV, I got up, got dressed, and went to a larger venue where I figured I’d just blend into the scenery. Wearing uncharacteristic all black, I joined my friends on the dance floor, hiding in the middle, only to be called out by the DJ who’s known me for too long, but didn’t read my “I’m hiding” message in my black shirt and shorts.
Slowly but surely, I’m revisiting and releasing old hurts, letting go of old baggage, and learning a lesson I missed growing up: how to be a friend, and attract my true tribe. Despite events of the last few months which are causing my ever-expanding tribe to gather in smaller pieces at a variety of venues, the emotional and energetic bonds we share are growing stronger. It’s clear to me now, time and circumstances don’t weaken bonds if they’re formed on the right foundation.
experiences. Other times, I learn what not to do and how I do not deserve to be treated. I’ve had many bosses who’ve shown me the wrong way to run a department or treat employees, just as I’ve had a few who showed me the right way.
I’m beginning to see my earliest lessons in relationship building came from my parents and blood family. I learned to hide my true self in what was ultimately a fruitless effort to fit in; to belong. It wasn’t until I endured the ultimate rebuff, and recognized it as such that I realized I was going about belonging in the wrong way. I’ve recently discovered positive indifference is an important factor, not only in whether or not I get a contract, but in establishing relationships too.
expect me to be something I’m not shocked the hell out of me. It turned a lifetime of failed relationships upside down. It never occurred to me I was going about it wrong, trying to make people like me by being what I thought they expected. Instead of gaining the acceptance I craved, I came off needy, desperate, phony, and unapproachable.
It doesn’t mean I “bleed” all over everyone. I’m still selective about what and with whom I share, aside from my writing. I’ve recently discovered I can share more here because it’s still safe. I’m not subject to acceptance or rejection. I don’t feel someone’s distaste or disgust. If they don’t like what I’ve written, they typically won’t read any more, and that’s perfectly fine with me. I’m probably not writing for them anyway.
health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her 
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