Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world your beautiful self!

Posts tagged ‘Tarot’

February 11, 2015 Uncertain and insecure

Uncertainty blossoms like an atom bomb in my gut, restraining creativity and confidence

I’ve given little actual attention to my writing for the past few days, aside from reading “50 Shades of Grey” and trying to learn something from the writing. I’ve chased it around in my mind, feeling discouraged by my characters’ lack of depth. Today, I did my usual Tarot card draw and now I’m even more disturbed and uncertain.

My Romani deck gave me Death, the grim reaper standing watch above a burning gypsy wagon, his enormous scythe at the ready should anyone try to save the wagon. Death-RomaniI took this to mean that I need to face facts, do some clearing of my house, my plate and whatever else needs clearing, and maybe accept the fact that I need to change paths. The cut card was Temperance which soothed me a little as it refers to the process of tempering metals, combining them with other things like heat and other elements to make it stronger.

My Spiral deck gave me the Queen of Swords,Queen of Swords-Spiral calm in a storm but very direct. She cuts through the crap to what really matters. She was aided by the King of Pentacles, a wise, financially savvy man who might be worth listening to.

All in all, I realized that discouragement with my writing is directly tied to my lack of financial security. I’ve given myself more than a year to produce something publication worthy and I’m a long way off right now. Yes, I finally launched my website, but it, too, needs a great deal of work and I’m not really sure where to start. I have over 60,000 words of a second novel but feel like I’m not really going anywhere with it. Although I haven’t re-read it since I started the re-write in January, I have convinced myself that it is complete crap, as is “Sasha’s Journey”. I feel like my characters are just not reaching that “love them or hate them” level of depth.

As I see it, I have two choices right now

As I see it, I can do one of two things: I can chuck the whole thing, tell my creative voice to stuff it and try to go back to doing accounting for a living…for someone else who will own part of my time. OR I can give myself some more time, work harder on developing the characters, just write to the end of my latest novel and start revising the first one with the help of independent critiques. I’d like to think there’s a happy medium between the two, but I look at my dwindling bank balances and a big bolt of fear paralyzes me. Was I nuts to quit my job when I did? Do I lack the self-discipline to make this work? Should I have tried harder to get into the copywriting so I’d have at least enough income to cover my living expenses?

In truth, I am not only succumbing to the insecurity many, if not most writers experience, I’m also succumbing to the fear of homelessness, despite the fact that my resources will carry me for several years, if used wisely. My inner child screams “Won’t someone just reassure me that everything is going to be all right?” But nobody answers.

Self doubt is an insidious animal, gnawing away at your gut, your hopes and dreams dripping from its toothy maw

Some days, I feel full of hope and confidence that the path upon which I’ve embarked is exactly right for me, and that I have what it takes to make it work. But the next, I’m wallowing in my own pit of self pity, accomplishing nothing and of no use to anyone. (It occurs to me that this post would have been perfect for the first Wednesday of the month IWSG insecurity post).

By tomorrow, I will probably be 200 pages into another book on technique and may have spent some time getting to know my characters better. But today is for wallowing and for considering, if only for a moment, going back to what I know pays the bills (assuming, of course, that a company will be willing to hire someone with as short a shelf-life as I have now). To be honest, that option sends chills right up my spine. I can’t even conceive of working in an office, at someone else’s beck and call again. I’d almost rather be boiled in oil…almost.

I know there’s nothing unique in what I’m feeling. IWSG was formed because most writers are insecure (it stands for Insecure Writers Support Group). But most of the people I talk to had the good sense to keep their day jobs.

Considering the positive changes I’ve made in the last fourteen months

To be fair, I have accomplished a lot of things since I left my job. I exercise more, laugh more, keep my house cleaner and have eliminated a ton of clutter. I see my daughter often, despite her move. I’ve written nearly 200,000 words worth of creative, novelly stuff and significantly more bloggy stuff. I hug more and listen more. But best of all, I’m ill far less often than I was when I worked at a job I was beginning to dislike intensely, not because of anything in particular, just because it no longer felt like where I needed to be.

I’m where I want to be, but am I where I need to be?

In a nutshell, that is the real burning question. I am, for the most part, happy. I love setting my own hours and working into the wee hours if I so choose without worrying about my alarm shrieking long before I’m ready to awaken. I love going to the gym when most people are at work or school. But I don’t love the debt that just won’t go down or the bank and investment balances that just won’t go up.

I also know that I will find a solution. It may not be a perfect one, but it will balance my fears and my desires into something which I can live with. Until then, I will keep reading and try to keep writing. I will work on that inner voice which is bound and determined to discourage me and try to bury it for awhile longer. Why? I write not because I want to, but because I have to. It’s as simple as that. I can still do accounting work, but I don’t see myself as an accountant any more. The knowledge and skills are there, but my heart is just no longer in it, at least not on a full time basis in a place that isn’t mine.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the people who understand where I am.
2. I am grateful for my library of resources to help me get past this mountain of self-doubt.
3. I am grateful for tasks which require my attention but not my mind.
4. I am grateful for this outlet; a place to vent my spleen, no matter what might be causing me distress or joy.
5. I am grateful for abundance; love, happiness, even fear as getting past it makes me stronger, support, connections, dreams, challenges, opportunities and ultimately, answers. Also for harmony, peace, health and prosperity.

Blessed be

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January 3, 2014 Getting sidetracked

Best of intentions are seldom enough to get the story writ.

I left the dance hall tonight I had it all planned out. I was going to go home, make a cup of one of the lovely teas I unearthed while organizing today, sit down at the computer and write. It’s now 1:03AM and I have yet to write a thing! Even now, I’m dividing my time between writing this post and talking to a new friend. We met over a Tarot spread tonight, and spent a couple of hours helping each other interpret our cards. I won’t say it was wasted time because I learned a lot in the process, but yet, it didn’t get any writing done, here or on my latest novel.

I know I need to exercise more discipline, and my intentions really are good! I even spent some time on the copywriting course tonight before I went dancing. I also know that I need to minimize distractions, and have been good in the past about turning off everything except what I need to write.

This is the year when I will turn off email and social media for blocks of time every day.

A key part of sticking with my resolution to be kinder to myself is to allow myself to be successful. In order to do that, I have to make time to write and study, not just when I feel like it, but every single day. It’s a lot like my commitment to my gym routine. There are no excuses! Or should I say, there’s no such thing as a good excuse. Which is why, at just after 1 in the morning, I’m still up and making sure I do some kind of writing before I sleep. If you can’t keep a promise to yourself, you’re not going to be much good at keeping them with others.

***Topic Change Alert*** Speaking of having to be good to yourself before being good to others, I am reminded of how important it is to love, nay, to be madly in love with yourself. It took me a long time, but I’ve finally learned that until you can honestly say that you’re madly in love with yourself, you’re not likely to attract someone who will love and appreciate you as you deserve. Now, I’ve become pretty darned deserving over these last few years, yet I seem to be lacking an ingredient which will complete the circle.

Which leads me back to the new friend I made tonight. We were discussing the cards we’d each pulled for a Relationship Spread a gentleman posted tonight. My quandary was having gotten a card which meant “wish fulfillment” in a position which was supposed to answer the question: What am I doing that is an obstacle to finding an appropriate love partner? What I now realize is that my mindset is that I have everything I need emotionally, which keeps me from presenting an openness which might allow someone to breach my walls. In other words, loving yourself isn’t enough if you don’t acknowledge the fact that you also want to share that loving, caring person with somebody besides your pets and children.

This is just another example of how I allow myself to get sidetracked, however. So I will wind this up with tonight’s gratitudes so I’ll get up at a reasonable hour tomorrow to start following my plan and writing/studying!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for new perspectives.
2. I am grateful that I can crank out a few words, even when distracted.
3. I am grateful that I recognize when I need to make some changes.
4. I am grateful for another night of dancing with some lovely company.
5. I am grateful for abundance: friendship, inspiration, commitment, love, joy, happiness, harmony, peace, health and prosperity.

Blessed be.

November 17, 2014 Changes made and more coming. #shericonaway

Making changes brings even more opportunity for change.

As you know, if you’ve read my last couple of posts, I found it necessary to change the time of day for writing my blog posts to accommodate the crazy mental place I go at night while working on the latest NaNoWriMo challenge. So far, it’s actually working out well, so well, in fact, that I am writing a more prolific blog and feeling less stressed while working on my book because the two no longer conflict. Whether this change will become permanent remains to be seen but for now, it’s working.

In the spirit of that change, I revisited my daily practice of doing a one Tarot card reading. That, too, has evolved over the last few months. I started doing a second reading from Doreen Virtue’s Angel Therapy Oracle cards and tying the two together. Then I began noting the card I cut when I replaced the Tarot card in the deck to see if it added anything to the message I received from the single card.3f968-spiritualshelf

But over the last couple of days, I was inspired to make yet another change. Right above my computer monitor is what I call my “Spiritual Shelf” upon which sits my collection of Tarot and Oracle cards, the Laws of Attraction series of books, The Secret book and video and several other books related to spiritual practices.

Looking up at this shelf on a daily basis, it occurred to me that it was time I actually used some of those Tarot decks I’ve been collecting instead of just allowing their boxes to collect dust upon my shelf. And so, my next adventure began.

About three weeks ago, I began using the Wizard’s Tarot instead of my tried and true Spiral Tarot. About a week ago, I added the Steam Punk tarot to my reading repertoire, and finally, I added Pagan Cats. Fast forward to yesterday when it hit me that I’m no longer “feeling” the easy, breezy, the Universe is always in your favor flavor of the Angel Oracle cards. (nothing against Doreen Virtue, but her cards just don’t look at the darker side of our souls which, to me, is a very necessary part of our being. Without it, there is no balance.) Instead, I replaced the second card reading with my original and oh-so-comfortable Spiral Tarot.

As it had been close to a month since I’d read from the Spiral deck, I was caught by surprise when I got them in my hands and they felt like an old, familiar friend. Familiar as they were, however, I found that I had trouble shuffling them. I don’t know if it’s because they are a different size, shape and texture from the other three decks I’ve been using or if the deck was just telling me I needed to make an adjustment within myself to using it alongside other decks, but the only way I can describe it is that it was familiar, yet it didn’t quite fit.

Today, it was much easier to work with, so I can only assume that, cat-like, it was giving me a little bit of crap for ignoring it.

Trading Pilates for housework. Oh, joy!

After receiving a message from my Pilates partner that she wouldn’t be able to make it to class today, I realized that with my shoulder still giving me trouble (though nothing that a nice massage with energy work wouldn’t fix!), and a list of chores I want to finish before my daughter arrives on Friday for Thanksgiving week, I would be better served to use my energy to dump and clean sandboxes and vacuum and scrub floors. Heaven knows, I’ll expend sufficient energy in those pursuits to replace at least three Pilates classes! But thanks to the frequent visits to the gym, including those Pilates classes, I actually have the energy now! Funny how that works.

As my readings today really highlighted flexibility as well as staying on task, I believe I’m heeding the advice of the cards admirably. I also feel very strongly that the wherewithal to indulge in that energy work/massage will manifest itself very soon! I just hope my massage therapist has not converted her practice completely to energy work just yet! I really need those magic hands!

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for my willingness and even excitement about making changes.
2. I am grateful for the way things are falling into place with each little change I make.
3. I am grateful for a week with my daughter and grand puppy.
4. I am grateful that my son-in-law is safe, if overworked right now. I know that by his efforts he will achieve his goals.
5. I am grateful for abundance: change, time, opportunity, imagination, motivation, energy, forgiveness, acceptance, joy, love, friendship, inspiration, harmony, peace, health and prosperity.

Namaste

And now for some shameless self-promotion:
I’d love it if you’d visit my Facebook page at https://www.facebook.com/SheriLevensteinConawayAuthor?ref=aymt_homepage_panel. I’ve created this page as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” it or leave a comment! Thank you!

September 19, 2014 Where does the day go???

I came home at about 8:30. I blinked, and here it is, midnight!

They say that time flies when you’re having fun, but today, I worked most of the day, and NOT on writing! Today was an accounting kind of day. In fact, if I think about it, I spent more time on accounting this week than normal! Sure, I needed to step back from the writing and wrap my head around the next thing I need to do, so I guess the Universe did its usual thing and “helped”! But I’m making myself a solemn promise that the weekend will be devoted to writing or pursuits associated with writing! It also doesn’t hurt that the accounting pays right now.

Admittedly, I spent part of the day playing a game on the computer, another part watching a couple of Castle re-runs, and a few minutes diving into one of the books I’d downloaded to my iPad. But accounting work was definitely the deal of the day. So here it is, after midnight, my blog post isn’t done yet and I have chores to finish before I sleep.

The days are getting shorter, I tell you!

You go to the market to buy some ice cream and are happy to see that the price hasn’t changed. That is, until you pick up what used to be a half gallon, and guess what? It isn’t any more! They made it smaller so they could keep the price the same, while making us believe we were getting a deal! Well, I believe it’s the same with time. Someone in the vast cosmos out there has tweaked time so a second is just a little shorter than it used to be. Shorter seconds mean shorter minutes which mean shorter hours which mean shorter days…well, I think you get the picture. I see no other reasonable explanation for how quickly time passes! When I get to the club where I dance around 6:00, I dance a couple of dances, blink twice, and three hours have passed! No wonder we rush around like decapitated poultry! We’re trying to fit 24 hours worth of stuff into 22 3/4 hours! If the time lords keep shaving our seconds, tomorrow will start before today has half a chance to finish!

This is when the power to stop time would come in very handy!

Say you have twelve absolutely essential items on your To Do list. You look at the time and you thought it was 3:00 PM on Monday, giving you plenty of time to finish. Instead, you discover it’s noon on Tuesday and you’ve already lost almost 24 hours! Now what? You pull out your handy dandy time freezer ray, and zap yourself a few hours in which to catch up! In the process, you pull a fast one on the Time Lords because the time they stole is being returned, nanosecond by nanosecond! Their theft is a devious way to make us believe we’re too busy to notice how they’re robbing us blind! Less time means we’re constantly in a rush, just to do the things we need to, much less, grab a few hours for the lost art of pleasure! Even the ones like me who no longer punch a time clock are behind the eight ball half the time.

I have certain things I’ve tasked myself with every day: Meditation, one card tarot reading, answering email, doing some kind of writing, even if it’s just blogging, and a few other things which, individually and collectively take time. Despite the fact that I’m finding myself getting up earlier and earlier, I still find I’m running short of time, or rushing through one thing or another just to get it all in. The anal accountant in me decided to move my To Do list from Word to Excel so I could actually track things like time, word count and completion rates. This week, alone, I’m finding that my blog posts are getting a bit shorter and my meditations are as well.

Sure, I took care of some things which I’d put off and am getting better organized–working smarter, not harder, but why should I have to keep restructuring my time and my work load because someone is stealing my minutes, a fraction of a second at a time? It is simply preposterous that nobody in the world has caught on to this devious plot to make us think we have more time than we do! I want my full half gallon of ice cream, thankyouverymuch! And do not tell me that it will cost me more for the same thing! But seriously, am I the only one who notices that time is shorter? Has the rest of the world been blissfully brain washed?

There is a silver lining in this time stealing cloud. If everyone else is oblivious, I can develop my time freezing device without any outside interference or competition. Could you just see it if fifty people were trying to find ways to freeze time? Eventually, we’d be running into ourselves, assuming all of those theories about not being able to be in the same place as yourself without fouling up the space-time continuum aren’t true. I could just see everyone standing on a hill top, time freezing devices of every shape and color clutched tightly in our clenched fists as we argue over whose turn it is to freeze time now! At some point, we’d all have to just stop and stare at each other in confusion. “What day did we stop time? How long was it stopped? What day is it now and did you remember to pick up a loaf of bread and some milk?”

But the world as we see it today is already crazy enough.

I suppose, for the sake of humanity, I will have to lock my time freezing ray safely away, and, join those who, like the lemmings, accept things at face value. I shall increase the pace on my hamster wheel and pretend I don’t know that time is crashing down on us before our very eyes!

A small disclaimer here: For those who took any part of this post seriously, please know that most of it was written with my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek. It’s up to you to figure out which parts weren’t. Mwahahahahaha!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I can find the humor in just about anything.
2. I am grateful for the paying work I had this week.
3. I am grateful for all of the people in my life, as I learn something from each and every one of them!
4. I am grateful for productive days, even when what I produce isn’t what I really want to be accomplishing. Each task I undertake has its own value, and as such, makes my life better.
5. I am grateful for abundance: humor, joy, love, silliness, harmony, peace, imagination, fun and prosperity.

Namaste

August 4, 2014 Letting down my hair

How’s it hangin’?

Sitting here tonight, groping vainly through my brain for a blog topic, a woman in one of my Facebook groups raised a question about long hair and tarot readings. I thought for a minute and realized that when I meditate, I take the scrunchy or clips out and kind of flip it behind me where, inevitably, one of the cats will lay on it. I’ve tried meditating with it tied up, but the pressure on my head annoys me. So I took the scrunchy out of my hair and let it fall onto my shoulders and down my back, in hopes that freeing my hair would also free my brain.

When I was young, my mother kept both mine and my sister’s hair cut in what was then called a “pixie cut”. It looked really cute on my sister, who shared my mom’s stick straight hair, but I shared my dad’s curly locks, and there wasn’t enough Dippity Doo in the world to keep my hair from sticking out in all directions when cut that short! When I was old enough to finally put my foot down, I grew it out and so it’s been ever since. These days, except for the day I wash it, it leans more towards frizz than curls, but I’ve come to the conclusion that the wild and wooly look suits me.

There are, of course, times when I don’t want it hanging down my back. Sweaty ropes of hair are not only unattractive, but decidedly uncomfortable as they slap against the neck and back, holding the heat from any activity one might partake of, damply against already overheated skin. (Not to mention, people tend to take issue with being drenched in someone else’s bodily fluids because the soggy one did a couple of wild spins with dripping hair flying!)

At any rate, as I thought about the woman’s comment, I realized that I’ve been doing my daily Tarot and Angel card readings with my hair up because I put it in a scrunchy as soon as I get out of bed. Conversely, I take it down when I sleep, and have been having some pretty wild dreams lately! Is there a connection?

I did have to chuckle a bit, though. She said that she “fluffs it up” before she does a reading. I got a picture of me fluffing mine up, and nearly laughed myself off of my chair as I visualized my already fluffy locks made even wilder with the help of a little finger combing.

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As this is how it looks on a good day, I’d rather avoid creating something which various woodland creatures might consider an inviting place to bear their young. But there are happy mediums (not to be confused with mediums who are happy) so this week will see me experimenting with hairstyles to see if they have any affect on what I read, feel, and otherwise, perceive when I’m “playing with the cards”.

Speaking of playing with the cards, I drew The Sun for the third time in two weeks, but, unlike the last couple of times. it quite literally lit up my world today. I felt an immense joy filling my body as Divine light illuminated my entire world. I felt as if all of the cobwebs I’ve been sweeping were suddenly gone, and my path was clear now. The only challenge left for me now would be keeping the pace at something I can manage without stumbling and breaking something important! I kept picturing a chariot which is another card, and signifies many things, including a fast, nearly uncontrollable pace. Upon further review, I realized that the Sun card contains the Greek god, Helios, who is purported to carry the sun across the sky every day in his…wait for it…Chariot! This idea crosses over into several other belief systems as well, so perhaps my chariot imagery was right on the mark. I do know that the last 18 pages of my novel will be completed by the end of this week, come hell or high water!

Whether we are aware of it or not, imagery plays a large part in how we respond to our world. Images which were formed in our brains throughout our lives will govern reactions in us many years later. Often referred to as “knee jerk reactions” we become conditioned to responding to stimuli pretty consistently unless we make a conscious effort to change. Even with those conscious efforts, we can slip back into old ways when we drop our guard, or in times of stress, just to give a couple of examples. I will be looking at ways we can change those knee jerk responses permanently in a future post or two (or however many it might take!).

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the constant influx of ideas from the people in my life.
2. I am grateful for quiet days when I just get paperwork and house stuff done.
3. I am grateful for intentions as they give me focus.
4. I am grateful for new ideas to try making what I already do even better.
5. I am grateful for abundance for all: love, happiness, joy, harmony, humor, health and prosperity.

Namaste

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