Two steps forward, one step back
You know those days when everything you do, even the simplest task, requires extra planning and thought? Well, that would be today. From trying unsuccessfully to get my wireless printer to communicate with my computer to fixing a meal or even ordering something online. It all seemed to require extra steps or even workarounds today. I’m almost glad it was a day to get mundane tasks out of the way rather than a day I wanted to be creatively productive. I fear I’d have driven myself batty!
One thing that is going well is my minimalistic presence on social media this week. It even moved a friend to ask if I was ok as I’d been too quiet. Frankly, I’ve enjoyed the quiet, the reading of a couple of books, the time spent talking to the cats and the complete lack of emotional attachment to anything said or done by anyone outside of these four walls. I think I’m just about ready to brave humans, at least in small doses, tomorrow.
As the world around me is hard at work, making lunches, checking homework and keeping to schedules involving work, school, practices, lessons and all of those other parent-y things, I find myself at peace, knowing I did my share of all of those things, putting a lot of my own wants and needs on hold for years while my kids received as well-rounded a life as I could give them. I’m sure, if I stopped and thought about it, there are plenty of things I would have changed if I could, but I can honestly say that I did the best I could, and have no real regrets. Yet, I am also very glad that those years are behind me and I can be as selfish and self-serving as I choose to be, or as selfless and giving as I choose. It’s in my hands now, and nobody suffers if I decide to sit and read all day, or not leave the house for several days in a row. Nobody complains if there’s nothing edible in the house to their liking, or if the laundry piles up for a few extra days.
My routine is pretty consistent, nonetheless. Sure, I may sleep until 8 one day and 11 the next. I may go to bed at 9 one night, and be up until 3 AM a day or two later. Nobody’s schedule is upset and nobody’s dreams go unfulfilled. Honestly? This is a kind of freedom I could only have dreamed of. I never really expected to be living it! Yet, here I am. Laying in bed for an extra hour, just snuggling with the cats who, by the way, don’t really care whether I feed them at 7AM or noon, as long as they get their wet food at some point during the day. They know they won’t starve because the dry food is always out.
Sure, I’m taking longer to fulfill my own dreams, but if I were to be completely honest, this freedom is fulfilling a dream! I hear from my daughter just about every day, despite the fact that her schedule has filled up since school started. If I play hermit for too long, I have friends who will rattle my cage until I come up for air. I’m never alone because at least a couple of my furry kids is always there to keep an eye on me and snag a skritch or two in the process. Best of all, I don’t have to share my space with any other human unless I choose to!
I can dream my dreams of the ranch full of rescued animals (though I know I’d need a few extra hands to really make it work!). I can visualize my book tours and my name on book covers, a website which keeps me writing quick little notes and longer dissertations. I see me getting into shape and staying there, cleaning up my space the rest of the way and making it match the dreams and visions which, for now, keep changing. One day, I’ll even put that tape recorder beside my bed so I can capture all of the wonder of the vivid dreams which fill my sleep, the better to transfer them to computer screen and write more stories.
It’s all there and it’s all mine. No dream is too big, nor too small to be part of a new chapter in a life which is still being written, edited and rewritten, one day at a time.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I can dream the dream and live it too.
2. I am grateful for the freedom I have given to myself this year.
3. I am grateful for everyone and everything which makes my life such a joy.
4. I am grateful for the ability to be a hermit for days on end, if that’s what makes me happy.
5. I am grateful for abundance: freedom, joy, dreams, love, happiness, harmony, faith, health, friendship and prosperity.