I Am Worthy

Just When You Think You’ve Conquered the Demons…

You know that sinking feeling you get in your gut? The one that sure as shootin’ hits you just when you think you’ve got it together and have banished the little voice that whispers “You’re not worthy” forever. The one that shakes your confidence and has you doing stupid things to try to reclaim your worthiness?

It can be something completely meaningless like getting passed over when it’s your turn at the deli counter, or when someone steals the parking spot you’d been waiting for.

When All You Really Want is to Hear “Do You Want to Dance?”

For me, it seems to happen when I’m doing one of the things I love most in the world; dancing. It happened again tonight. Another relatively new guy came into the club but he, like most, seemed to have a preconceived notion of which women he’d ask to dance. In fact, one of them even turned him down, I’m assuming because she didn’t know how. Even worse, I was sitting right behind her when she did, and he walked past me like I wasn’t there, despite the cheerful smile on my face.

As self-doubt filled my brain, I looked at the women who do get asked…all the time. What is it about them that makes them acceptable dance partners while I’m passed over time after time? They’re not all thin or young or cute. Some are, of course, but for the most part, they’re pretty normal. Some are married, others are single. It doesn’t seem to impact the decision one way or the other.

Some wear slacks, others, dresses and a few like me wear shorts because frankly, the place gets hot after a set or two.

So again I ask myself: “What’s the problem? Am I that dreadful to look at? Am I being intimidating when I don’t mean to?”

Remembering What’s Important

Finally, I did the only thing I could. I lost myself in the joy of dancing and tried to ignore that voice (but only after I’d pulled the clip out of my hair and let it flop down around my face).

I want to ask one of my friends who is asked to dance constantly by all sorts of guys, regulars, first-timers and one-timers alike. What is she doing that I’m not? What does she have that I don’t? We’re have about the same level of proficiency on everything except West Coast Swing. Yes, she always looks perfect, every hair in place, makeup done and a nice dress on. By the second set, I’m usually sweaty and a bit disheveled, but the only way I can avoid that is to sit on the sidelines with my legs crossed and just watch. Not going to happen.

Sadly, this wall flower persona has been following me around all my life, even though I’m hardly shy, retiring or hugging any walls. In fact, I’m more likely to be front and center during the line dance sets.

Change for the Sake of Change is Doomed to Fail

I finally gave myself a stern talking to. Self, I said. There is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect just the way you are. And if you’re stupid enough to try to change yourself just to attract a dance partner, you may or may not be successful in the short run, but in the long run, you’ve sacrificed your integrity for what? A dance? 3 minutes of scooting around the floor with someone you’ll probably never see again? Is it really worth it?

In a lot of ways, it harks back to the woman who told me to dumb myself down so I’d get more dates. If we change ourselves to attract anything, be it a person, a job or anything else, what we attract won’t suit us at all because it was attracted to a facade. The person behind the mask will soon find the situation as uncomfortable as a bad fitting pair of shoes.

Worrying about why I can’t get someone to ask me to dance is pretty pointless in the overall scheme of things. I know men are basically visual, and if I don’t fit what they envision, it really doesn’t matter what I say or do. So why twist myself into knots and worse, let that little voice gain a foothold, questioning my worthiness? I don’t need someone else’s validation to know that.

It would just be nice if for once, someone saw past the imperfect packaging to the little girl who is still waiting to not be picked last on the playground.

Remembering Gratitude

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for another fantastic night of dancing, and over 10,000 steps.
2. I am grateful for my friends, both old and new who always make dance nights special.
3. I am grateful for the lessons I’m learning which reinforce my sense of worthiness.
4. I am grateful for opportunities to take the lessons I’m learning and put them to use.
5. I am grateful for abundance: love, friendship, dancing, music, self-worth, peace, harmony, philanthropy and prosperity.

Blessed Be

I invite you to visit my Facebook pages, Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author and HLWT Accounting. Please also drop by my website, www.shericonaway.com and check out my Hire Me Page. I’ve created these pages as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” them or leave a comment! Thank you!

Photo courtesy of Mitya Ku via Flikr