Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world my beautiful, vulnerable self!

Posts tagged ‘hermit’

Temporarily Detaching from Humanity

Detaching for My Sanity

detachingIt’s hard to believe, but in this time of social distancing, quarantine, and more recently, curfews, I’m feeling over-peopled, and needing to retreat further into my own space for awhile. I’m even limiting the amount of time spent on social media, and keeping Facebook closed most of the day. Although I guess for other Empaths out there, it probably makes perfect sense.

To put it simply, a world already gone mad has somehow managed to step up the madness, and for people like me, it’s utterly exhausting. Emotions like fear and rage are exuding from the pores of humanity in such quantities as to be an almost visible; palpable; a putrid, green ooze. When it reached an intensity that made itself felt even via electronic connections, I slammed the door hard, and went into my personal happy place where I occupy myself by writing, and reading inspirational books.

The good news is, I’ve nearly caught up to my personal writing schedule after weeks of failure and frustration. If the current pattern continues, I should reach the point where I’m, once again three weeks ahead by Wednesday. I might even see my pre-scheduled blogs reach the four week mark by the weekend. Inspiration runs high as I seek solitude and detachment. Humanity shovels inspiration into the virtual world like manure on a vegetable patch.

Clearing Space and Getting Back on Track

Strangely enough, I’m grateful as it means I’m bringing a long dry spell to a definite end. If it, I’ll get to start editing my books (much to my daughter’s joy), and even creating some new fiction. I’ve been wanting to take a whack at a short story for awhile now, but have been neither inspired, nor satisfied with my attendance to existing deadlines. Sometimes, I need to stop finding things to distract me, and instead, use what’s bothering or exhausting me to better purpose.

Funny, I always have choices. Let the world and its occupants distract me from my purpose, or use them as inspiration to further it. I’m embarrassed to admit for most of the last three months, I’ve allowed them to do the former. Fortunately, when my ADD brain gets hold of a bone, it will gnaw it down to nothing after awhile, oblivious to anything else that’s happening around me. At least I’ve had the foresight to ensure there are easy-to-grab meals before I dive into my next barrage of productivity.

Interestingly, I took the time to clear some space as well, even if it’s only in my refrigerator. I cleared out the oldie moldies, which could well be construed as making space for the new. I created another large salad from which I’ll eat portions with or without an offering from my freezer over the next few days. In my own way, it clears my slate and leaves me no excuses for sitting down at the computer, or taking breaks to work on the jungle in my yard.

Working Erratically

It isn’t unusual for me to go weeks or even months creating or accomplishing in a lackadaisical manner, only to spring forth one day, and knock out huge chunks of what I’d left dangling before I lost my momentum. I suppose you could say I have two modes: off, and full speed ahead. I’m definitely long over do for more of the latter.

Even as I type, I feel my brain trying to re-engage and drag me off on another task. Perhaps folding the towels in the basket I left on the dining room chair a few days ago, or maybe gather the trash from around the house and get the cans out to the curb. But the side that’s busy creating and accomplishing stops monkey mind in its tracks—this time. In essence it’s saying: You’ve had your turn. Now it’s mine so get out of the way or I’ll run right over you!

Sure, I’m tempted to see what the little envelope on my email program has to offer. But as I’ve been deleting almost everything I receive lately, I know it’s not worth stopping the flow for something so trivial and unimportant. I don’t have Facebook open right now, so I can’t see if there are any new posts or responses—and I like it that way!

Procrastination is a Choice

The truth is, I know how easy it is for me to get distracted, and to completely avoid writing; getting caught up, or reaching the point where I can even see where one of the million-and-three ideas I’ve jotted down might take me. Knowing myself as well as I do, I can nip those urges in the bud when I’m feeling myself getting into the “zone”, though it took me a few years to figure out I actually had the choice.

Boy, was that a revelation! Learning I could actually choose to let procrastination keep me from getting anything worthwhile accomplished was one of the greatest “Aha moments” of my career. Knowing now I can shove it out of the way whenever I want is what’s allowed me to set a schedule and stick to it most of the time. But I couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t realized I owed myself at least the level of commitment I’ve always given to others.

Once that revelation sunk in, I finished drafts and edits, got on a tighter schedule for blog posts, and even established a monthly schedule of re-posts to Medium. Still, there are times I forget and let things slide. Then comes a frenzy of activity like I’m enjoying now, when no one, and nothing is allowed to get in my way.

A Time to be Social and A Time for Detaching

Photo: David Derong/Iowa State DailyI’ve learned I need a reason to disconnect for awhile, though. Thankfully, Humanity is happy to assist me periodically. Sometimes it’s the people around me who, though I love them dearly, sometimes need more drama than me. More often lately, it’s the world at large that seems to have entered a veritable twilight zone of insanity, and shows no indication of exiting gracefully any time soon.

If there’s one thing I can detach from easily, it’s collective insanity. I find it exhausting and pointless. My participation is certainly not required. I learned long ago that letting myself get sucked in will always result in having to make a painful exit. Said exit will always have at least temporary repercussions during which I’ll likely dive further into hermit mode where I’ll stay until the pain and often, embarrassment have passed.

These days, I try not to dive down too deeply, as there are people in my life who will come searching if I stay in my cave too long. Often, I’m fine, just busy letting my muse run wild, but since becoming a social animal; at least within the limits of my abilities, I do need to be considerate of those who never feel the need to eschew society for days or weeks on end.

Exuding Gratitude from the Depths of My Being

My gratitudes today are:

  1. I’m grateful for the return of my procrastination busting self.
  2. I’m grateful for the inspiration I receive from a world gone mad.
  3. I’m grateful for a library that could easily keep me occupied for decades.
  4. I’m grateful for ideas jotted on note cards, phone apps, white boards, and sticky notes to keep the writer in me happy for as long as I wish.
  5. I’m grateful for abundance; ideas, motivation, inner strength, friends, love, joy, humor, peace, balance, health, harmony, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light


About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a Holistic Ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward

When Your Vibration is in the Cellar: Baby Steps Are Key

When Life Kicks You to the Curb last month has been trying on pretty much every level; mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially. You name it, and I’ve taken a hit directly or indirectly. I’ve shed buckets of tears, though primarily in the privacy of my own home with the cats my only comfort.

That isn’t to say friends haven’t reached out, because they have—in huge and unanticipated ways. Some tell me I’ve been there for them, yet I can’t see it from my vantage point, any more than I’ve recognized, when a man was interested (not that it’s happened lately anyway. I travel in a world that tends to be weighted in favor of men).

The Games People Play

It makes me wonder where else I’ve had tunnel vision, oblivious to what’s right in front of my face. I suspect my long, unsatisfying foray into the Corporate world is one. I never learned to play the games, and found myself cast as the unwitting bad guy, or even buffoon on far too many occasions. Granted, some of that was because I didn’t allow myself to connect with co-workers or staff. But most of it was because I never learned the rules for office politics. Frankly, I never wanted to. I don’t like politics in general, and have always believed they don’t belong in an office.

It seems a bit ironic really. People go to work for a company, contributing to the company’s success, yet believe they need to go to extremes to assure their own success. How much personal success can you really claim when the ultimate recipient is owners or stockholders. You get what they’re willing to give you, and nothing more.

The Rocky, Peril-Infused Road to Success

Yes, the road to personal success is difficult and fraught with peril more often than not. In the end, both successes and failures are your own. You get to keep the lessons for the failures without having someone else’s castigation added to the mix. When you fall on your face, it’s only you who has to get up, dust yourself off, look at what didn’t work, and try again with the new insight you’ve gained.

At the moment, I feel like I’ve failed more than I’ve succeeded, but I have no one to blame but myself. I’ve succeeded at a few things, though, and am proud of those successes. Those, too are on me alone.

From the failures I’ve learned to reach out and ask for help because I don’t know everything about everything. There are areas where my experience and talent is decidedly lacking. Those areas give me the opportunity to network and develop new relationships.

The successes teach me what I have to offer to others; where I can offer to help them with their own gaps in experience. But most of all, they teach me more about connecting.

Creeping Slowly Out of My Hermit’s Hut’ve used the excuse: “I’m a writer and an introvert. I’m better off working alone” far too many times. I recognize it’s an excuse to be a hermit. Even more, I’m learning I don’t want to be a hermit all the time. I want to be around people and be part of a community. I want to let people see that I succeed sometimes and fail others, just like them. Besides, being a perpetual hermit is extremely unhealthy. Far too many psychopaths live in that world. I’d rather not be looked at through the same glass as someone whose moral compass hasn’t pointed to true North in a very long time, if ever.

I’ve learned to recognize when my sunny disposition has gone astray. Signs like negativity, judgemental-ism, excessive self-criticism, and even lousy eating habits show me clearly when my mood has taken a trip to the dark side. The years I spent wallowing in self-pity, angry at the world, and in an undiagnosed state of depression come back to haunt me. Yet they also scare me into making changes, reaching out to friends, or getting out of the house whether I want to or not.

Changing Perspective

So far this week, I’ve gone to the gym after first talking myself out of going, spent an evening dancing Created with Canvaafter trying to convince myself I shouldn’t share my sad state with others, and reached a saturation point with Hallmark movies. The last one, alone has pushed me a little ways out of my funk to get a few things done I’d been avoiding for ages. I’d convinced myself once again that I wasn’t worthy, lacked the necessary experience, and didn’t want to do those things anyway.

Sometimes, it’s a matter of perspective. We look at the things we accomplish as nothing special. We convince ourselves out accomplishments are no better than anyone else’s. We deny our part in making the world a better place. Or we minimize our contributions by treating them as commonplace acts performed by everyone.

Showing Up

There’s a time and a place to call “bullshit” on ourselves. I found mine when a friend knocked on my door on a cold, rainy night with a container of split pea soup. Her simple act reminded me how much my own simple acts mean to others. I realized it isn’t so much the what as it is the doing in the first place. Showing up is often the greatest gift of all, both for the giver and the receiver.

Over the years, I learned the climb from abject depression to joy is a long one, and isn’t accomplished in gigantic leaps while yanking on your bootstraps. It’s accomplished one step at a time, and often one backwards for every two forward. It’s easier to take 100 baby steps than it is sometimes to take one giant leap. In the time we gear ourselves up to take that giant leap, we could have already been there by putting one foot in front of the other, testing the ground with each step, and asking for help over the tougher spots.

Raising My Vibration A Baby Step at a Time

I may be in a bad place personally, financially, even professionally at the moment. I’m trying to get out of it, but my vibration is in the toilet. With each baby step I take; each proffered hand I accept, I leave the darkness a little further behind. The darkness is no longer the friend it once deceived me into believing. Instead, I reach towards the sunshine, the light of friendship, love, caring, and sharing.

The friends who show they care in so many ways are making the baby steps bigger by reinforcing the ground I walk on. I still have a long way to go, but knowing I don’t have to go there alone keeps me putting one foot in front of the other a lot more easily and readily these days.

A Heart Filled With Gratitude Vibrates on a Higher Level

My gratitudes today are:

  1. I am grateful for friends who have made the effort to get to know the real me.
  2. I am grateful for changes in perspective.
  3. I am grateful for baby steps.
  4. I am grateful for clear, sunny days when the wind finally dies down.
  5. I am grateful for abundance; emotional, spiritual, mental, health, connection, inspiration, love, motivation, opportunities, challenges, peace, harmony, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws , of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.

August 26, 2014 A cha cha kind of day

Two steps forward, one step back

You know those days when everything you do, even the simplest task, requires extra planning and thought? Well, that would be today. From trying unsuccessfully to get my wireless printer to communicate with my computer to fixing a meal or even ordering something online. It all seemed to require extra steps or even workarounds today. I’m almost glad it was a day to get mundane tasks out of the way rather than a day I wanted to be creatively productive. I fear I’d have driven myself batty!

One thing that is going well is my minimalistic presence on social media this week. It even moved a friend to ask if I was ok as I’d been too quiet. Frankly, I’ve enjoyed the quiet, the reading of a couple of books, the time spent talking to the cats and the complete lack of emotional attachment to anything said or done by anyone outside of these four walls. I think I’m just about ready to brave humans, at least in small doses, tomorrow.

As the world around me is hard at work, making lunches, checking homework and keeping to schedules involving work, school, practices, lessons and all of those other parent-y things, I find myself at peace, knowing I did my share of all of those things, putting a lot of my own wants and needs on hold for years while my kids received as well-rounded a life as I could give them. I’m sure, if I stopped and thought about it, there are plenty of things I would have changed if I could, but I can honestly say that I did the best I could, and have no real regrets. Yet, I am also very glad that those years are behind me and I can be as selfish and self-serving as I choose to be, or as selfless and giving as I choose. It’s in my hands now, and nobody suffers if I decide to sit and read all day, or not leave the house for several days in a row. Nobody complains if there’s nothing edible in the house to their liking, or if the laundry piles up for a few extra days.

My routine is pretty consistent, nonetheless. Sure, I may sleep until 8 one day and 11 the next. I may go to bed at 9 one night, and be up until 3 AM a day or two later. Nobody’s schedule is upset and nobody’s dreams go unfulfilled. Honestly? This is a kind of freedom I could only have dreamed of. I never really expected to be living it! Yet, here I am. Laying in bed for an extra hour, just snuggling with the cats who, by the way, don’t really care whether I feed them at 7AM or noon, as long as they get their wet food at some point during the day. They know they won’t starve because the dry food is always out.

Sure, I’m taking longer to fulfill my own dreams, but if I were to be completely honest, this freedom is fulfilling a dream! I hear from my daughter just about every day, despite the fact that her schedule has filled up since school started. If I play hermit for too long, I have friends who will rattle my cage until I come up for air. I’m never alone because at least a couple of my furry kids is always there to keep an eye on me and snag a skritch or two in the process. Best of all, I don’t have to share my space with any other human unless I choose to!

I can dream my dreams of the ranch full of rescued animals (though I know I’d need a few extra hands to really make it work!). I can visualize my book tours and my name on book covers, a website which keeps me writing quick little notes and longer dissertations. I see me getting into shape and staying there, cleaning up my space the rest of the way and making it match the dreams and visions which, for now, keep changing. One day, I’ll even put that tape recorder beside my bed so I can capture all of the wonder of the vivid dreams which fill my sleep, the better to transfer them to computer screen and write more stories.

It’s all there and it’s all mine. No dream is too big, nor too small to be part of a new chapter in a life which is still being written, edited and rewritten, one day at a time.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful that I can dream the dream and live it too.
2. I am grateful for the freedom I have given to myself this year.
3. I am grateful for everyone and everything which makes my life such a joy.
4. I am grateful for the ability to be a hermit for days on end, if that’s what makes me happy.
5. I am grateful for abundance: freedom, joy, dreams, love, happiness, harmony, faith, health, friendship and prosperity.


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