Re-directing and Releasing Negative Childhood Memories

Revisiting Negative Memories

While meditating the other day (yes, I know you hear this a lot, but some of my best ideas and greatest epiphanies come when my mind is relaxed) I chanced to wander the highways and byways of my childhood. In particular, I revisited all the negative memories I’d amassed concerning my mother. It occurred to me I do myself no good dwelling on them, but how do you erase decades of fossilized memories so they remain in the past, no longer impacting life as we now know it?

As my mind continued to drift, a balloon which had escaped from a tiny fist, another memory arrived. It was my earliest memory of reading with my mom. I was 4 years old and we were sitting on the L-shaped white couch in the living room of our house in Reseda. We held “Charlotte’s Web” on our laps while I read aloud, looking to her for guidance when I came upon an unfamiliar word. I don’t know how many days we spent sitting in that position, laughing and crying over the escapades of Wilbur, Charlotte and the rest of the barnyard residents. I do know it launched a lifelong passion for reading and writing.

Changing Course

It occurred to me that the way to erase, at least the recurring nightmare of some of the other memories was to pluck them like weeds, then quickly fill the hole with more pleasant memories so they’d be unable to grow back. Up until then, it had never occurred to me that simply removing a memory wasn’t enough. We had to replace it with something better.

That’s not to say we actually cut out part of our minds so the unpleasant memory doesn’t return. We simply overlay it with something that brings us joy instead of sadness, pain or fear. It seems to be working, as whatever thing I was remembering before I plucked it and replaced it with the “Charlotte’s Web” memory is no longer retrievable.

The Feeling Part of Memories

Now, you’re probably asking how it’s possible to consciously eradicate a memory, and you’re right. It doesn’t seem feasible. But let me explain. Memories instill more than just a visual recording of an event. In fact, the visual is often the least enduring. We get feelings and emotions from those events which are harder to release.

For example, as a child, you dropped a plate of food on the floor. Did your parents scream at you and berate you for your clumsiness? Did they launch into a lecture about how expensive it was to feed the family, and the cost of the meal you ruined? If so, the shame you felt while they ranted and raved stuck with you like a burr in the fabric of your psyche. Events later in life trigger, not so much the memory of the plate you dropped and the meal you ruined, but the shame you were made to feel as a result.

By replacing one memory picture with another, we’re not changing the picture. We’re releasing the negative feelings; planting new seeds as it were. So it is with memories of my mom. Some have already been released and replaced through the process of writing about my memories. Others pop up via triggers in my present life. But now I stop and evaluate the negative, unpleasant feelings.

Deep Down, We All Choose Happiness

I don’t want to feel uncomfortable, so I look for ways to replace those feelings with something, if not pleasant, at least constructive. I know eventually, I’ll be able to replace the constructive feeling with a pleasant one as it’s a shorter energetic leap.

There’s a lot of talk about shifting your mindset these days. What I think it really boils down to is deciding how you want to feel, then becoming conscious of the things that trigger feelings not in alignment with your desire. Since the most deeply seated ones come from your childhood and teenage years (oh the angst!) it might take some practice to separate the root issue from the knee-jerk reaction.

Peeling Back the Layers

We humans are as multi-layered as an onion. Understanding why we react as we do to certain things often requires a deep dive into things we’ve tried to forget. Yet therein lies the foundation for our beliefs, our fears, and our self-image, wrapped up in a not-so-tidy ball of emotions. My own process began over 20 years ago, and I’m continually uncovering new layers I didn’t even suspect existed. Only now are some of those layers proving to be rooted in my earliest years. I’m just beginning to find the place where the strings I’ve untangled are embedded in my psyche.

Many of the emotional triggers we set as children are built and expanded on as we become more connected with the rest of the world. Every time someone hurts us, every time, we suffer disappointment, every time we fail, those emotional triggers find more justification, more reason to exist. They become our reality, albeit a falsely constructed monument to our coping mechanisms. Often we don’t even remember why we react as we do.

Getting to the Bottom of the Perceived Failures

Recently, I bought a cake to have a small celebration of my daughter and son-in-law’s 6th anniversary. My daughter the baker removed the cake from the box and, no malice intended, began picking apart the decorating techniques of the grocery store employee who’d done the cake. I brushed it off, and even contributed a few comments of my own.

A few minutes later, with maybe half of the cake cut and served, a woman as known for her baking prowess as my daughter brought over a beautiful strawberry shortcake and some cups of mousse. One of the women who sits at the table next to me every week had missed the celebration planned for her a couple nights previously, so this was a make-up. But as soon as her cake hit the table, and everyone had sung “Happy Birthday” it was as if my daughter, son-in-law, and I no longer existed.

I already felt a little bad at the poor quality of the cake, augmented by my daughter’s repeated query “why didn’t you ask me to make the cake?” Suddenly, the air was sucked right out of my joy balloon. I danced the next couple of sets in a fog, my usual ebullience notably missing. I drove home in silence, focused only on getting us home safely, and cancelled my regular “Live with Sheri and Friends”. I had no interest in talking to anyone. I just wanted to be alone with my blue funk.

Taking Time to Query Yourself

In a lot of cases, being alone might have been the worst choice. In this one, it worked out well because it made me see the long string of disappointments I’d had in organizing parties or group events. So many times, I’d plan something and send out invitations, only to have maybe 3 or 4 people actually show up. Or I’d throw something together and be disappointed at the results which might have been better with a little more planning and effort.

Not until the recent addition of our annual after Thanksgiving dinner was I able to, with my daughter’s help, put together an event people actually wanted to attend, and looked forward to. That’s when I realized I could overlay the way I felt about all the failed attempts with the joy I feel about our Thanksgiving feasts.

Finding the Road to Happiness

The beauty of it all lies in the fact that we re-route our feelings for multiple events when we re-route one. The emotions we feel are, by the time we reach adulthood, a composite of things which brought the same response. Change one, change them all. Though it’s not quite that simple as many events contain multiple emotional charges, the idea is valid. We clear one negative emotional charge, replacing it with something positive, and each connected event, no matter how convoluted, holds less power over us in the future.

What’s one emotional trigger you can defuse? Where is a positive outcome and a joyful response you can use to fill the hole? It doesn’t have to be something big. You’ll probably recognize it as a minor thing which brings you down whenever it executes by virtue of a similar event or feeling. Share your efforts in the comments. What you learn helps not only yourself, but those of us you share it with. You’ll see an angle we might have missed.

 

My gratitudes today are:

1. I am grateful for my meditational epiphanies.
2. I am grateful for new triggers which bring me joy instead of sorrow.
3. I am grateful for new opportunities which appear when I least expect them.
4. I am grateful for new perspectives.
5. I am grateful for abundance; joy, incentives, opportunities, epiphanies, love, companionship, peace, health, harmony, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, Virtual Assistant and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. She specializes in creating content that helps entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author