Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world your beautiful self!

Posts tagged ‘disconnected’

We Are Stronger As A Community

Our Community is Our Family

Jesse Watrous PhotographyIn tragedy, families pull together. Not only families by blood, but families formed of a mutual love for something or someplace. My family is formed of people who dance, and specifically, people who dance at Borderline Bar and Grill.

By the time you’re reading this, a few weeks will have passed since the terrible tragedy which shook our home to it’s very foundation. And perhaps it’s for the best that I schedule my posts 2-3 weeks ahead these days. When this publishes, services will have been held, good-byes will have been said, and displaced dancers, with the help of an amazingly supportive community will have found temporary places to gather, dance, and do what we do best; hug each other, not only with our arms but with our hearts.

Too Many Internalize Their Pain Until They Explode

I’ve been through  my share of tragedies over the years; some personal, others affecting my community. https://www.flickr.com/photos/anieto2k/8156999698/in/photolist-dqNKPQ-8xXrZz-a2tqF7-ecib3q-aR5rxR-23UMduh-aWLsg4-aQ6X3p-dTTc5c-dcyQ5m-b1FLUp-drS8ZF-bsmN5R-nNhBzE-6ssEeg-9jEcfZ-aVXtzx-j6LK2o-aNpZyT-dCTfD3-dvswdt-b3pgdi-dtXu4B-6LJawW-8CFHEg-8aL7Jf-hDdmuC-anA578-cPoDxo-9qmjuQ-dtXueV-qsdJSm-dqq1i2-2cGG4pp-dqq1sP-hp14Hw-cbnjHE-7bv7xs-chavXC-7uLgNT-8E3GL9-ar7X3y-aai6ME-nt1LXG-gZvg1N-S1DgTf-8kUop7-6532HD-exeWcJ-di6ynQI’ve learned healing is more profound, more deep-set when the process is shared with others. I learned the hard way that internalizing pain makes it fester and grow until it eventually comes out in an explosion, and for some, with disastrous consequences.

Our world is home to far too many lonely, broken people and their pain turns to anger and hate when the media continually spews angry and false messages from every orifice. I can see how someone who is already despondent and alone can be stirred to acts of violence. They know it won’t assuage their pain or their feelings of disonnectedness, but they lash out in the only way they know how. Such was likely the case for the young man who killed 12 people he probably didn’t even know on November 7, 2018 in the quiet little town of Thousand Oaks, California.

I’m torn between anger at the way he invaded our home and took lives he had no right to take, and compassion for someone who was so desperately unhappy, so alone that the hate-filled messages spewing from media, both traditional and social fueled a fire inside him that deadened his already dysfunctional moral compass. He is just one more symptom of a society that is severely broken; that neglects those who need our care and compassion the most.

Sometimes, We Simply Have To Be There For Our Family

I don’t have any answers right now. The pain so many of my friends and family are feeling is often overwhelming to me, as it is to the rest of the Empaths and HSP’s around here. We have, not only the murders in our own home to process, but loss of life and property from two wildfires which began before the dust could clear, or the murder investigation finish. Many of my extended family were displaced, albeit temporarily. Some may have lost their homes. We’ve all been affected, either by being evacuated, or taking someone in.

The common thread, though, is keeping everyone together. Several Facebook groups have sprung up, a number of group messages are alive and well, text messages are burning up the phone lines. In short, we’re all reaching out to each other in this time of pain and confusion because it’s what families and communities do.

Connection Is a Learned Skill

I understand to some extent how many feel disconnected because I was one of them not long ago. https://www.flickr.com/photos/chrisyarzab/40513877112/in/photolist-24J5dbC-xLBnC-qDMybP-8uuvzF-er1tf-8S5Btn-5NYfwV-LihYBt-g4kBQ-S442nL-ceYb9U-g5JpWL-jTQZz6-cfHP9u-fauq5P-ahCCN2-isiMDz-6ViLeY-2EJXG4-HC2MUT-BU26S-5jegSL-VYGMA1-5j9Xzn-eB4adY-nBPSrp-5j9ZhH-dkoQLa-nbdfPZ-4FD4L1-dZ3Vjx-mbSGYM-dsW4Bs-6w75Kx-7sZRqK-8KRTG2-Mysc7N-LM2cLA-eXrUyD-faz3Az-dAR84B-8S8Fa7-7hKbWd-pYwhq-z2MhH-6jxdb7-261SwZS-ee4Pp7-vv8vw-8TKhq3Connecting with other people is a scary proposition when you’re used to living behind mile-high walls and wearing masks to cover up your true feelings. Admitting you’re not strong enough to handle all of life’s challenges alone is terrifying because you have no idea how people will react. You expect ridicule, abuse, and humiliation rather than love, compassion, understanding, and support, so you don’t reach out.

I’m one of the lucky ones. Something, or in truth, a lot of someone’s managed to detach me from the death grip I had on my walls and showed me my worst fears would not come to pass. I found love, compassion, and common ground from people who, themselves, had faced their own challenges. I learned none of us have storybook lives. We all have to face things which test our strength, and learn those challenges are more easy to face when we have a support system to hold us up when our strength falters.

Without a support system; a community it’s easier to entrench ourselves in a sea of misery than to reach out and get smacked down for our efforts. Unfortunately, in that place of despair, we often attract those who aren’t kind or caring. Our worst fears are realized because we attract others who are angry and displaced, and who are looking for someone or something to take their pain out on.

Communities Supporting Other Communities

Photo: David Derong/Iowa State DailyThough I wasn’t directly affected by the fires or the shooting, the outpouring of support I received from many directions was both unexpected and heartwarming. Even now, as services, fund raisers, and vigils are held for the victims and the survivors, and I’m overwhelmed by heavy emotions on all sides, that support system I’m still somewhat amazed to find is there when I flounder.

Above all, the despair, discouragement, and depression I suffered in my 40’s and part of my 50’s has become a land I remember with no fondness, and where I have no desire to return. Not only have I opened my own heart to many, I’ve been privileged to have many hearts open to me as well.

I find myself wishing at times I’d figured all this out sooner. Yet I know I figured it out at exactly the right time. I had to have those experiences; some of them rather horrific, in order to be absolutely certain I’d do whatever it took to avoid returning to the sad, disconnected, angry woman I once was. If nothing else, I prefer the people I attract these days, and the ability to recognize the occasional narcissist who wanders into range, and detach before he/she gains a foothold to suck my soul energy as I allowed too many times before. I’ve learned I owe it, not only to myself, but to my extended family to be strong and whole; able to be part of a synergy which receives when they need it and gives back when they don’t.

Receiving vs. Taking

That’s pretty much the key. Learning to receive rather than take. It’s a concept I struggled with for a long

time because I didn’t understand there was a difference. But there definitely is. We receive when we are an integral part of a cycle; a kind of chain. Sometimes we’re the giver and others, by receiving, they allow us to give. But we must also reverse our position at times without feeling we’re taking advantage of the givers. We’re simply part of a balanced relationship where everyone feels appreciated, respected, and most of all, cherished.

I cannot properly express how grateful I am to be part of this loving, synergistic family and community. It’s one of the rare occasions when words fail me, and only heartfelt hugs can communicate what I feel.

#BorderlineStrong #CountryStrong #LineDancing #TwoStepping #DanceCommunity

Grateful For Everyone In My Ever-Expanding Family

My gratitudes today are:

  1. I am grateful beyond words for my dance family.
  2. I am grateful for the outpouring of support and the opportunities to be supportive myself.
  3. I am grateful for love that is infinite and endless.
  4. I am grateful for hearts which have become one; strong, powerful, resilient, and unyielding when faced with life’s challenges.
  5. I am grateful for abundance; love, friendship, family, community, support, dancing, footprints in the sand, health, peace, harmony, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws , of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.

Connected vs. Disconnected

Feeling Connected is Mind Blowing

Many times I’ve written about feeling detached and disconnected when I go dancing, even though I’m in the midst of my friends and dance community. Today, I’m writing, somewhat bemused about being connected.

The last couple of dance nights, I felt like my level of interaction with everyone jumped a few thousand points on the connection scale. Suddenly, I’m in the middle of groups chatting about whatever, or talking to someone and really listening to what they’re saying. Have I suddenly started learning how to engage with people naturally? Without talking to myself about really focusing on them and not going off into the dark, windy roads of my own mind?

What amazes me most is how good it feels to be engaged with the people I already love and respect, yet still felt a bit like a fraud and an outsider. I allow stupid differences to distract me: things like spiritual/religious preferences, political leanings, and even having (or in my case, not having) aging parents to care for.

Overlooking or Overpowering Insecurities

On a conscious level, I know those things are minor differences as far as the big picture goes. My connection with these people isn’t based on those factors at all, but on our mutual love for dancing, keeping healthy, and getting out into the world on a regular basis for something besides a J.O.B.

We all have our insecurities, though some of us have become better at getting past them than others. There will always be that little voice in our heads trying to convince us to pull back into our shell where it’s “safe”. It’s the voice who is perfectly content to remain inside our comfort zone, or what I not-so-fondly refer to as a rut.

In her 2012 TED talk, sociologist Amy Cuddy suggested that striking a power pose (AKA Wonder Woman Pose) could cause others to perceive us as more confident, and that perception could, indeed increase our own confidence. I’ve found it can also help overlook all the differences the voices in our heads are trying to magnify beyond any reasonable level.

Feeling Confident or Being Confident?

I’ve tried this method myself, though often mentally rather than physically when going into a confidence kicking situation like a meeting with a potential client. I’ve found even mentally seeing myself in a power pose is quite effective in raising my confidence. Yet it never occurs to me to use it in a social situation where I’m often more susceptible to feelings of inferiority and ineptitude.

The truth is, when it comes to my work-related skills, especially those I spent over 30 years practicing and honing, I know what I can and cannot do. I know I can figure out a way to make just about anything work. It’s like the numbers on a ledger sheet, black and white with no room for question.

Playing to Our Strengths

My social skills, on the other hand may not be as rusty and underused as they once were, but too often I’ll compare my skills to others and find myself lacking. Doing so creates an almost palpable feeling of wilting. When that happens, I’ll quietly move to the outskirts of the conversation, physically, energetically, or both. Then I’m back to being the disconnected hermit who hides out all day in her dark, quiet room with only her cats and a computer screen for company.

I’ve made a conscious decision to alter my trajectory, both in business and socially. In so choosing, I find myself turning to the power pose more often, at least until my confidence can hold its own without artificial augmentation. I pay attention to the times when I feel connected so I can analyze the situation later and see what I was doing right.

Polishing Up My Social Acuity

Up to now I didn’t see what Landon Porter calls “social acuity” as a necessary business tool, which could explain why building my business has seemed like such an uphill battle. Until you can read a room, as it were, and understand where people are coming from and what they want and need, you can’t really craft an offer that will resonate with them.

Where I got lost in the weeds was in losing sight of the fact it’s not a business I’m trying to appeal to, but the people who make decisions for a business. Whether I like it or not (and my introverted self still quakes at the idea of socially interacting, but less so than it used to) all successful business people are good at building relationships. They find connections between themselves and others that are much deeper than the obvious, superficial preferences.

The funny thing is, I’ve had the tools to get beneath the surface all along, but old habits still linger. I tend to mask or discredit my empathic response to people instead of listening to it, and more importantly, to them. Listening itself is something I’m only beginning to fully understand. The words you hear spoken are really the smallest part of the listening process.

Using the Tools We’ve Always Had at Our Disposal

When I do feel connected and engaged with someone, I feel their emotions rising and falling. I start to connect with what makes them feel passionate, angry, sad, or exuberant. I know when they’re talking about something which gives their life its real meaning. What I’m learning at this point is to avoid shutting myself down or panicking when I feel those waves of emotion flow over me. Instead, I have to learn to use the information to help gain an understanding of the unspoken wants and needs of the person I’m speaking to.

I was talking to someone recently who I’d always seen as strong, confident, well-connected, and socially active. Yet the strongest emotion I felt radiating from her when I left my guard down was loneliness. She’s simply learned to show that confidence and strength to most people, and I’m sure her many life successes have contributed to that confidence and strength. It doesn’t mean she, like the rest of us doesn’t have moments of loneliness or insecurity. She’s just learned to be selective about who sees that very vulnerable side of her. To say I was humbled and honored by the trust she put in me by sharing that side of herself is like saying rain is wet.

Taking Relationship Marketing to a New Level

It also gave me a whole new understanding about the idea of relationship marketing. It’s necessary for both sides to be willing to drop the shields to some degree, and you don’t get to that point without feeling you can trust someone.

Many of us are jaded by the game playing and power struggles in the corporate world. We’ve learned to hold back the most important parts of ourselves and trust no one. Though it may keep you safe in a jungle where it’s everyone for themselves, it’s a liability when the health of your passion project depends on trust and openness.

What it all boils down to is I’m learning to take what I’m discovering as a neophyte social creature and apply it to the rest of my world without qualification. I trust my instincts in most social situations; who to open to and who to shield with all my might. It’s time to practice those lessons in a world where the stakes (at least those which will allow me to continue following my passion) are a great deal higher.

Leading with a Grateful Heart

My gratitudes today are:

  1. I am grateful for the people I’m learning to connect with on a deeper level.
  2. I am grateful for a rising awareness of the tools I’ve always had, but was afraid to use.
  3. I am grateful for the support and friendship I’m discovering has been there, in some cases, for a long time, but I wasn’t ready to see it.
  4. I am grateful for a new and improved outlook on the future help of my writing business.
  5. I am grateful for abundance; love, trust, faith, confidence, inspiration, motivation, tools, friendship, support, mentors, teachers, health, harmony, peace, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light

 

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, Virtual Assistant and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. She specializes in creating content that helps entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: