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Archive for the ‘narcissist’ Category

Laziness Disguised as Narcissism

Narcissists Feed on Empaths

Created with CanvaLately I find myself drawn into conversations about Empaths and Narcissists with increasing frequency. Not that I mind as it allows me to see things from others’ perspective, furthering my understanding of both sides of the equation. Admittedly, the conversations with Narcissists are rarer, and usually indirect, while those with Empaths tend to be more revealing. Typically, those conversations involve recent revelations by an Empath concerning succumbing to and escaping from a Narcissist. All too often realizing they (or really, we) have been taken in by someone after spending a great deal of time and energy trying to please one for whom no amount of attention and devotion is ever enough.

Unfortunately, most Empaths don’t learn how to recognize a Narcissist or even that we’re allowed to set boundaries until we’ve been taken in and sucked dry at least a couple of times. The breed tends to be over-the-top charming and, for a little while at least, able to make us feel special. Often, it’s impossible to tell the difference between adoration and a need to have us hyper-focusing on them alone . We don’t notice the increasing isolation at first, and our natural empathy rises to the top where we give much more than we’re getting.

Detaching from the Insatiable Beast

Eventually, we do realize no matter how much we give, the Narcissist is never satisfied. When we start back, we’re often subjected to anger and abuse. But if we can stick to our guns and make it clear we want our boundaries respected, we eventually find ourselves alone again. Our own energies slowly flow back as they’re not being depleted by an insatiable beast. Once we get past the pain and sense of betrayal, we often experience a sense of relief. It may take awhile to recognize the bullet we dodged or the joy of being alone rather than dancing to someone else’s tune.

Narcissists are emotional carrion feeders. They attract with charm as opposed to taking an active part in building a relationship. Once it becomes too much of an effort, they hiss and spit a bit, then move on to greener pastures where they can lie on a rock looking beautiful until someone new draws near and is caught, however briefly in their net.

Emotional Laziness Misconstrued that everyone with a tendency to be emotionally lazy is a Narcissist. Some people honestly prefer to use their energy for other things; a job, a talent, a cause—something that stirs their passion but doesn’t involve a personal relationship with another individual. Often, their focus is necessary in order to achieve the results they desire. Then too, an Empath whose heart has been trampled too much may retreat into something else for however long it takes them to heal. In some cases, it can take the rest of their life.

Lynea Lattanzio of Cat House on the Kings is one who has, for the last 25 years or so devoted all her energy to a cause she believes in with all her heart. Starting with her home and about 6 acres of land on the Kings River, she built a sanctuary and rescue for cats. She purchased 6 more acres of adjacent land with a bequest from one of her supporters, and continues to grow her program to include adoptable cats, ferals,  FIV+, kittens, and even dogs, peacocks and goats. Feral cats are allowed to live out their lives in the pastures where they can decide to trust a human or two—or not. If you want to learn more about her rescue efforts, click on the link. Cat House on the Kings was featured on National Geographic Wild in a segment called The Lady with 700 CatsLast I heard, that number is at least a few hundred low, despite adoption facilities at 2 Petcos as well as their own. Lynea is not one to turn away a cat or kitten in need.

Learning to Avoid What Sucks Us Dry

Once again, I’ve gotten a bit off track. Yet my point here is to demonstrate that simply a lack of to put effort into relationships does not a Narcissist make. Quite often it’s simply a case of different priorities. And sometimes, it’s an Empath who’s been tossed around by a Narcissist’s whims for too long and intentionally directs his or her efforts elsewhere, perhaps to heal, or perhaps to find an outlet for their gifts which will feed instead of bleed them.

Yet the fact remains that laziness in relationships is one of many factors which, in combination characterize a Narcissist; factors Empaths and other HSP’s (Highly Sensitive People) learn, often through experience and pain, to recognize and eventually avoid.

I’ve seen discussions on both sides of the argument about whether another Empath is a good or bad match. Some favor a mate who isn’t as sensitive to the energies and the ebb and flow of emotions to balance them out. Others prefer someone who “gets” them because they know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by the outside world at times. Like anything else, I think it comes down to a combination of attraction and where you need balance in your life. In my opinion, all relationships are about balance, but that balance comes in different areas for different people.

Needless to say, the only one who finds balance in a relationship between an Empath and a Narcissist is the Narcissist. Even then, it’s a tenuous kind of balance which is upset when the Narcissist stops getting what they want, or essentially overbalances the Empath.

Finding My Balance With Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

  1. I am grateful for the conversations I attract which allow me to learn more about myself and others who experience similar things.
  2. I am grateful for my work space where cats can sprawl in their favorite spots on the desk, behind the computer, on the shelf under the window, or anywhere they feel they need to to be close to me.
  3. I am grateful for things which challenge me to get out of my comfort zone and out of my own way.
  4. I am grateful for the inspiration and motivation I’ve been feeling the last few days to write, organize, and de-clutter.
  5. I am grateful for abundance; inspiration, motivation, joy, energy, writing, connection, relationship-building, positive indifference, improving social acuity, pre-holiday planning, health, harmony, peace, philanthropy, and prosperity.

Love and Light

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws , of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward.



Dissed or Dismissed

When We Outlive Our Usefulness

Recently I was forced to accept a hard truth. A woman for whom I’d been doing a few simple kindnesses had been accepting them with little more than an off-hand thank you, almost as if my actions were her due. Then I witnessed her offering to compensate someone else for a similar kindness. It made me feel that in her eyes I had little value, a feeling which was proven when she approached a group of us talking and acted like I wasn’t there.

Sure, I was hurt at first. But then I remembered a friend’s wise words. “Don’t take another person’s actions personally”. In this case and a few others recently, I saw how well the words applied and am doing my best to take them to heart.

People and Their Stuff

People are always going through their own stuff. We aren’t always aware of what that stuff is (unless it’s one of those people who broadcast their entire life in true basketball play-by-play fashion on social media). Some are truly going through a difficult time. But like it or not, some are simply narcissists who direct their attention towards those who can benefit them is some way and blatantly snub those who might somehow stand in their way or worse, offer them no value. Either way, their actions are a reflection of themselves and nothing more.

Unfortunately, they are often quite adept at drawing an empath into their game for a little while. Their very real struggles to achieve value and validation can tug at sensitive heartstrings and bring a desire to help. But eventually their true, soul-sucking nature comes through and it becomes clear that this person will continue to take, never to be filled and will, if they’re permitted, drain the empath dry before seeking another soul to suck.

With Age Comes Perspective

As I get older, I don’t stop being taken in but I do learn to recognize the signs and extricate myself before any long-term damage is done. The knowledge that it truly isn’t personal has done a lot to help me withdraw and heal more readily

Although I wouldn’t go so far as to say these people don’t recognize their insensitivity or the harm they do, I do believe it isn’t a conscious choice to harm a particular person. They simply latch onto the easiest targets to fill a well in themselves which can never be filled. They themselves are a black hole of insecurities which absorb compliments and reassurances like a dry sponge yet never come close to saturation.

That would require becoming a complete human being capable of both giving and taking on a visceral level. They’re only capable of such actions on a superficial level at best.

Learning to Offer Pity and Nothing More

I’ve found such people earn my pity as they are incapable of having truly fulfilling relationships with others. They’ll always be looking for the next emotional well to drain in a fruitless effort to more than dampen the ground at the bottom of their own. But it just absorbs what it takes from others like a vampire sucks blood, never satisfied, never fulfilled.

I can’t imagine the emptiness of a life which depends on the emotions and approval of others, yet still finds no value in themselves. It must be a sad, lonely place where love and joy are just words with no meaning to which they might connect personal experience.

Experiences Help Me Better Understand My Mom

Then I think about my mom and the collection of faces she showed the world. I wonder if this emptiness I recognize in others was the life she lived and saw fit to cut short because she saw no reason to continue living in that infinitely dry well. Though I’m tempted to show more compassion for those who live their lives this way, I know it will not only pass unappreciated, but will end with me feeling used and hurt.

There are many people in this world who deserve our love and compassion; those who face their own struggles, yet put some effort into getting through each day on their own. But there are some who always expect others to fix what’s broken. Those who never recognize that in order to fix their own broken parts, they have to be an active and willing participant. To me, these people are no better than the man who pays for sex because he’s not willing to give something back to his partner other than the sightless, soulless cash he gives in exchange for a few moments of physical pleasure.

Recognizing Real Value

They believe they give value for what they receive, and I’m sure in their minds, that value is fair and reasonable. But that questionable value is something I’ve chosen to refuse. If I can’t give of myself willingly and lovingly, I’d rather walk away and leave a broken, lonely, confused person to someone else’s ministrations. To help them, even for the short time I’m able would only leave me drained and them searching for something they’ll never find.

Still, I can’t help giving them the benefit of the doubt for a little while, in hopes they can find the spark of humanity they’ve long since buried beneath layers of brick, mortar, and building materials proven impermeable to the balm of humanity we all come into this world bearing. My hope will always spring eternal. I’ll forever believe I can make a difference in just one person’s life. No matter how many times I fail.

There is Always a Reason for Gratitude

My gratitudes tonight are:

  1. I am grateful I toppled my own walls, despite the agony it caused for a little while.
  2. I am grateful my well is always full, no matter how many people have tried to drain it dry.
  3. I am grateful for friends who value me even when I’m not behaving like I deserve it.
  4. I am grateful for my writing which helps me work things out, sort things out, and just gain perspective over that which weighs me down for a bit.
  5. I am grateful for abundance; prosperity, friendship, love, hope, joy, compassion, inspiration, insight, motivation, support, peace, harmony, and philanthropy.

Love and Light

I invite you to visit my Facebook pages, Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author and HLWT Accounting. Please also drop by my website, and check out my Hire Me Page. I’ve created these pages as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” them or leave a comment! Thank you!


Photo courtesy of R. Crap Mariner via Flikr

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