Alone Again, Naturally
Ever had one of those weeks where you started down the rabbit hole—and kept right on going? When you were fighting legions of ants, and the ants were winning? Where the lab work you’d scheduled was hung up at the insurance company because the doctor couldn’t see fit to do his part? When you got a rude awakening regarding who your friends really were, and how little even the real ones heard you whimpering in a ditch? When you knew you’d make it out eventually, but a hand up and help cleaning the abrasions and bruises would sure be welcome? When you realize all the talk about taking care of each other is well-received, but not so well acted on?
After living through one of those weeks, I’m coming to the conclusion alone truly is my natural state. When I do admit I’m struggling, the advice I’m given is so lacking in compassion, so full of “just suck it up. Get out of your house and do something” I realize all my posts about reaching out to people who are hurting are falling on ears deafened by years of hard knocks.
That’s when I remind myself I’ve managed to survive, and often thrive throughout my 60-odd years with little or no help from anyone. My daughter keeps telling me to ask for help, which is all fine and dandy if what needs fixed is a garage door, or a broken faucet. It’s an entirely different story when what’s broken is me. Funny, I learned not to ask for help for this very reason. All the times I told myself: “my friends have problems of their own” or “everyone is too busy to help me over this rough patch” turn out to be entirely accurate. They are all too busy, or immersed in their own problems. Why did I allow myself to believe it was any different?
We Learn to Detach, But is it the Best Way?
I understand though. They all have families, jobs, and a million other balls they’re trying to keep in the air. Some have serious health issues so why would they even begin to understand how freaked out I am that what’s going on with me has baffled my doctors for over 6 months, or that I’m fighting every step of the way to get answers? They already have theirs. One gently suggested my health issues might be resolved with psychiatry! As if I hadn’t written reams in my “eyes only” places about that possibility and come up empty handed…and still struggling.
It really makes me empathize with people who are depressed or suicidal. If they’re getting the responses I’ve been getting, maybe what we believe is true: nobody gives a flying fuck whether we live or die — unless we happen to have the bad taste to end things ourselves.
Even when I tried to explain that I needed to be sad for a little while, people were quick to refute my statement. How dare I take even one moment to be sad? What makes me believe I deserve to be anything but light-hearted and airy-fairy?
Re-setting My Mindset
I’m disappointed right now. In myself for believing; in the people around me who are slowly killing my hope; and for humanity as a whole which is so caught up in pretending to be OK, and failing to allow each and every one of us to be sad and need a little emotional support once in awhile that they don’t even mourn the loss of their humanity. Instead, they accept its demise like they accept the end of true communication.
Being without a computer for a few days gave me lots of time to think; lots of time to be completely disconnected.
Only 3 people actually reached out and I know they tried to understand. But their efforts were clumsy, either because it was a skill set that got little use, or because they didn’t know how to use it with me. I’m no less grateful for their efforts even if they mostly ended in frustration on both our parts.
Maybe that’s the real problem. We can talk ’til we’re blue in the face about being kinder; more compassionate. But we’ve lost the ability to actually be those things, or at least with someone we’re not close to and know well.
Sometimes I’m a Butterfly, and Sometimes, I’m a Turtle
Though I continue to fly like a butterfly, I’m starting to see I only do it from the safety of my office with words on a screen. When it comes to real life; to giving and receiving compassion, I fear I’m destined to remain a turtle.
Still, the butterfly in me insists on getting up and flying once more, knowing if I hit another wall there will be no one around to straighten my wings or clean my wounds. For that, I’ll return to my turtle state until wounds heal or I’m ready to call it a day for the last time.
Yes, I always get back up and eventually resume my forward progress. Sometimes I’m more cautious but lately I realize I have nothing and no one to lose by forging ahead in my usual willy-nilly fashion. Those who feel the need to judge or disapprove quickly fall off my radar. Their opinions or rejections might sting for a minute but they ultimately fuel the inner fire that says “I will not allow you or anyone else to dim my light. You are operating from your own pain body. It has nothing to do with me, but says everything about you. The only person you limit with your behavior is yourself so screw you and the horse you rode in on!”
OK so I sound a little bitter. That’s on me and is one of the many things I choose to work through. My imperfections and pain body give me plenty to work on. But looking back for a brief moment, I see how far I’ve come. Most important, I see that progress was made alone; without anyone’s help. I’d like to continue believing life isn’t meant to be lived alone, but recent events prove otherwise. For now, it doesn’t matter that my absence goes unnoticed and unremarked. Someday, it might, but right now, I have enough on my plate that “someday” isn’t even on the menu.
Always Room for Gratitude
My gratitudes today are:
- I’m grateful for my resilient and self-sufficient nature.
- I’m grateful for the few friends who at least try, despite their own heavy loads.
- I’m grateful for my daughter who does understand and somehow helps me beat the funkies.
- I’m grateful for my writing which has gotten me over the rough patches every time.
- I’m grateful for abundance; stubbornness, tenacity, growth, understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, letting go but not giving up, opportunities, inspiration, health, peace, balance, philanthropy, and prosperity.
Love and Light
About the Author
Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, ghostwriter, and an advocate for cats and mental health. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. Her mission is to Make Vulnerable Beautiful and help entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author or in her new group, Putting Your Whole Heart Forward