Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world my beautiful, vulnerable self!

Archive for the ‘attraction’ Category

Empaths and Intentionally Attracting

Giving Myself Permission to Engage in Intentionally Attracting

One of my biggest challenges as an Empath has been learning to trust my feelings when I think someone is interested in me. I’ve had too many opportunities to lose my confidence in this regard. Too often, I’ve projected my own feelings on the situation and seen something that wasn’t there and taken clumsy action, only to walk away with egg on my face. Ultimately, I took things to the opposite extreme and denied the possibility that anyone would be attracted to me, even in friendship.

Though I’ve overcome the distrust of attraction on a friendship level, I’ve yet to learn to trust someone might find me attractive on a more intimate level. Yet it wasn’t until recently I recognized the armor I’d been wearing to keep from looking the fool.

Whereas I might find myself initially attracted to someone, usually after talking to them a while and finding we had an interest or two in coming (typically dancing or writing), but sometimes because they stood out from the crowd for some reason. My favorites are people who don’t fit the mold and thus, are something of an enigma. I simply can’t resist a good mystery!

Setting the Right Intentions

The trouble is, if I don’t get an immediate response or feeling from them there’s at least a modicum of mutual attraction, I tend to shut down and even block their energy for fear I’ll do or say something stupid and make a fool of myself. My knee-jerk reaction isn’t unfounded. I’ve made a fool of myself often enough when I thought I saw mutual interest where none existed. Unlike some of my friends, I’m not the type to walk up to a man and ask point-blank if there’s any spark. In some ways, I envy the ones who are able to, and can walk away with their head held high if the answer is no.

In recognizing this rather glaring defect in my character, I realized a couple of things. First that I’d love to meet someone who enjoys dancing as much as I do, and that a non-dancer was a show-stopper for me. Experience has proven I’m happier alone than with someone who doesn’t share my passion for dancing. Second, that I’ve unconsciously set an intention to attract a conscious Empath or HSP. I’ve specified “conscious” as someone who has neither recognized nor accepted their abilities will either be unaware of the attraction, or will, as I so often do, deny its existence and move on. I also have my parents’ examples of how destructive it is to be an unconscious Empath (or so I believe).

The realization of my subliminal intention came as a result of my thoughts about setting blocks. I realized doing so would, if there was actual interest, not go unnoticed by an Empath or HSP. Someone sensitive to the energies and emotions of others would immediately notice if someone who was previously open had blocked their emotions and energy.

Keeping Lines of Communication Open

In a perfect world, they might approach me and question the change, but the reality is most would let it go if they didn’t already know me well. I sure wouldn’t walk up to someone I’d never met or barely knew and ask why they were suddenly blocked. So why would I expect it of someone else?

I realized I’ve taken to shutting down too soon and failing to allow the person sending the signals I think I’m reading to come to their own realizations and conclusions. By shutting down before they’ve been afforded the time to do their own processing, I’m killing the seed before it has a chance to settle in and put out a root or two. If they are an unconscious Empath, staying open will likely result in avoidance anyway, as I saw not long ago.

The Voices in the Heads of the Unconsciously Empathic

I think unconscious Empaths recognize someone who sees more than they want to reveal. They’re self-protective mechanisms enable them to put up blocks or, at the very least, implement behavior which diverts attention away from the parts they don’t wish to share. I, myself am put off by someone who drinks excessively. They don’t end up hiding those feelings so much as overwhelming me with everything they’re carrying around. I’ll shy away and leave them alone just to avoid the overwhelm. The process is akin to hiding something in plain sight or a magician’s sleight of hand. Too much information, at least for an Empath is enough to mask what’s really going on, unless of course they’re willing to wade through the muck to get to the real issue.

Unless it’s someone I’m close to or already care about, I’m not likely to push past the wall of noise. Frankly, it’s too painful and disorienting to try. Though in at least one case, I wish I’d tried, even though I know in my heart I wasn’t meant to. None of us are truly meant to interfere with someone else’s life path. We can offer love and compassion, but they still have the choice to accept or reject it. If we see the walls and masks, we can only be there offering a hand. Their choice to turn away, or mask what’s going on is still in their own hands.

It reminds me of a question I recently saw on Facebook about draining yourself trying to heal others. In my mind, we can never heal anyone but ourselves. What we can do is to act as a facilitator for someone to find their own healing. Whether it’s helping them find the hidden wounds or offering an energy boost so they can work through a particularly tough time, we’re never more than an amplifier for what they already have, and quite often, far less.

Consciously Choosing Whether to Attract or Repel

Getting back to the original question, I realized blocking was a pointless and unnecessary effort unless of course my intention was to repel someone (and yes, there have been times!). Blocking everyone and everything was the me of 20 years ago. It was a lonely, sad existence and one I choose not to revisit. Instead, I must honor my more open, honest nature.

That doesn’t mean projecting all my emotions like some of those who use alcohol to mask the pain, while instead spewing every emotion they carry out into the world, thereby bombarding every Empath and HSP in the vicinity. It does mean continuing to allow the absolute joy I feel while on the dance floor to project outward and connect with the energy of those who either dance with me or enjoy the floor show without expectations or thoughts of reward.

I’ve taken the first steps towards attracting the right person; accepting I deserve them, and refusing to shut myself down. The rest is up to the Universe. And I’ve gone from believing I neither want nor need a companion to realizing I want the right companion and knowing I’ll settle for nothing less. For some, that might be a no-brainer. For me, it’s a gigantic leap of faith.

Gratitude, Gratitude, and More Gratitude

My gratitudes today are:

  1. I am grateful for the revelations and epiphanies I find in my Morning Pages.
  2. I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned about the masks I used to wear. Just because it’s an old habit, doesn’t mean it’s what’s best for us.
  3. I am grateful for aha moments.
  4. I am grateful for my cats who’ve added dragging me out of bed in the morning to their job descriptions.
  5. I am grateful for abundance; ideas, intelligence, wisdom, epiphanies, connections, relationships, intentions, freedom, peace, love, health, prosperity, and philanthropy.

Love and Light

About the Author

Sheri Conaway is a writer, blogger, Virtual Assistant and advocate for cats. Sheri believes in the Laws of Attraction, but only if you are a participant rather than just an observer. She specializes in creating content that helps entrepreneurs touch the souls of their readers and clients so they can increase their impact and their income. If you’d like to have her write for you, please visit her Hire Me page for more information. You can also find her on Facebook Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author

The Comfort of Familiarity

Understanding the Attraction of Certain Types

Years ago, I embarked on a friendship with a woman who I’ve come to realize has certain characteristics she shares with an unusually large cross section of females. She isn’t stunningly gorgeous, nor does she stand out in a crowd. In fact, over the years, I’ve seen many who remind me of her. The similarities are really rather striking when observed from a distance.

These women are attractive and take care with their appearance. They tend to dress a bit more conservatively than those around them. They all seem to wear their hair in what we used to call a flip, or other basically straight but casual looking style: one which looks like they just pulled a quick brush through it, but in reality probably took them an hour in front of the mirror with curling iron and blow dryer. They’re typically found with two or three other women, none of whom seems interested in anything but the conversation between each other.

But here’s where things change. No matter where they are or how many women they’re standing with, the men in the clubs I’ve frequented always single them out. First, they ask them to dance. Then, they continue their conversation off the dance floor, often culling this woman from her pack. Even so, she’ll often be found in a circle of men, buzzing around her like she’s the Queen Bee. It’s gotten to the point where I can accurately predict who will approach her and who will be one of the hoverers.

For years, this puzzled me. What was it that these almost cookie cutter women had which caused the men to approach with confidence and interest? Tonight, after watching one such woman dance with several of the men, eventually leave her pack to stand alone, and even attract the attention of a man who is more of a loner, I had one of those ‘Aha moments’.

Birds of a Feather May Flock Together, But They Also Flock to What they Believe to be Safe

Because this type of woman is so common, men have come to believe they’re safe to approach. They represent a type from whom they can expect predictable and familiar behavior. They aren’t likely to be outrageous until they know him well. They are well-behaved and attentive. They are always well groomed and rarely break a sweat. They are also not the ones the men watch when they’re enjoying the free show being staged on the dance floor.

I used to dismiss as wishful thinking the feeling that someone was watching me dance. I’d give the usual excuses: “There are younger, prettier women than me out here.” “They’re not asking me to dance, so there’s no reason to be watching me.” “They’re probably watching the really good dancers.” The usual, self-effacing crap so many of us use to explain our single state.

I realized tonight that they are watching those of us who dance with unbridled passion and utter joy in the music and the steps. They watch as we laugh at something a dance partner said, or play off of the other dancers. But it’s that same passion and differentness which prevents them from approaching, from asking for a dance or just introducing themselves. Just as the women I described were a familiar type with whom they feel safe, I belong to the group who is unashamedly, unabashedly unique and isn’t afraid to flaunt it. And because I’m not afraid to be different, I terrify people who like their world to be neat and orderly.

What Price, Conformity?

This revelation does, of course, beg the question: Do I want or need to conform? In this case, the answer is clear and comes without thought or hesitation. Some people are meant to conform, to fit in, to be Corporate, if you will. And some of us are not. We are not meant to be gay and witty on the outside, nor match a particular theme. But we also don’t hold deep, dark shadows inside our bland, conformist selves. We wear our blazing reds and glaring neon pinks, greens and oranges on the outside for all the world to see. We are rainbows and fireworks, knowing not everyone will be comfortable around us, but in the end, we don’t care.

Tonight I came to the realization that I am, indeed, the one who’s meant to be watched; the one who exudes joy for anyone to grab a piece of and share. But I’m not comfortable or easy to approach. Only those who are strong and comfortable with themselves; who relish the hot pink Gerbera Daisy in the bowl of white chrysanthemums; who are disinclined to follow the flock, who will have what it takes to approach the passionately non-conforming, dare-to-be-different types like me. And I’m learning I like it that way.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful I’ve learned to appreciate and love who I am.
2. I am grateful to be rid of some of my self-effacing ways.
3. I am grateful for revelations which alter my outlook for the better.
4. I am grateful to be one who approaches whatever I do with passion, joy and wonder.
5. I am grateful for abundance: love, joy, differences, health, hope, happiness, peace, harmony, motivation, inspiration, friendship, philanthropy and prosperity.

Blessed Be

I invite you to visit my Facebook pages at and . Please also drop by my website, and check out my Hire Me Page. I’ve created these pages as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” them or leave a comment! Thank you!

Why I Write: Version 957 (or something like that)

I Feel so Blessed if I Touch But a Single Heart

I try to be as open and honest as possible here when sharing my own hopes, dreams, successes and tragedies. I know that though my experiences may be unique to me in how all of the pieces come together, the basic framework; the components which join together to create my personal mosaic are shared by many. They may put the pieces together in different patterns, add a few I missed, delete a few which don’t fit the picture they’re portraying. But in the end, we share a common bond.

Especially in tragedy or in the things over which we struggle, it is somehow comforting to know we aren’t alone and that there is someone out there who understands. For some, even those day to day struggles can become overwhelming, and a tiny glimmer of hope might be enough to open up a window in their dark room.

Sometimes when I share, I strike a note and people say Oh, yeah! I can relate. I’ve been there too. Other times, like with my last post, one of the people who inspire and support me turns around and challenges me.

Getting in Touch with Ourselves

Essentially, I was challenged to investigate my own particular perceptions. I was asked whether I knew when I saw someone that I would be attracted to them, whether or not getting to know them better furthered the attraction or not, didn’t I at least know if I had a smidgen of interest?

Let me preface my answer by saying that I’ve learned to fight back those niggling little attraction gremlins for a couple of reasons. First, the last time I allowed myself to let them have their way, I was in a mucked up emotional place. I was unhappy, angry, negative and a bit self-destructive. Needless to say, I wasn’t attracted to anyone who might actually be good for me. Or if I was, my interest wasn’t returned because they only saw the broken, messy part of me I was showing the world at the time. Second, I have a terrible history of making an ass of myself over someone to whom I was attracted. As a result, I’ve taught myself to discount the feelings and run the other way before I once again embarrass myself.

Being the friend and the strong honest woman she is, I wasn’t allowed to prevaricate. With each lame answer I gave, another question, another challenge came. So this post is for Lorna who has, on more than one occasion, forced me to take a good, hard look at who I am, what I’m doing and what I truly want. I am so grateful for her tenacity even when she makes me look at a part of myself that isn’t very pretty. She is truly in my life for a reason because, left to my own devices, I’d probably just allow those hard truths to molder inside me, tainting everything good I’ve managed to accomplish.

Her first comment about my post was:

So this made for interesting reading but was safe and “over there”. My question is do either of the last two men interest you personally?

I’m not going to include the entire conversation here, but you’re welcome to follow it on my Author page on Facebook (referenced below) if you’re interested in all the gory details. Suffice it to say, I sidestepped her question a couple of times, but like a bulldog, she wasn’t about to allow me to get off that easily. I admit, I never completely answered her question, nor her later remark: I bet you know what you like.

Knowing When it’s Time to Face Our Fears

I know a lot of my lack of response has to do with fear: fear of making the same mistakes, fear of rejection, fear of making a fool of myself…and the list goes on. But as was pointed out by another friend recently, we cannot let fear control us or keep us from doing the things we want to do like completing projects or developing deep, enduring friendships.

In order to face those fears, I’m going to answer her question here. Without further ado, here are the things I like and which would lead me to feel attracted to someone. This applies to both men and women as they are things I find attractive in my friends. I also believe that to have a strong, healthy relationship of the romantic kind, friendship is essential, and must be there before anything else can develop.

  • Sense of Humor
  • Wit
  • Positive attitude
  • Comfortable in their own skin
  • Humble
  • Intelligent
  • Supportive
  • Strong-willed but not dictatorial. Someone who has an opinion and won’t let go of it just to please someone else.
  • Young at heart
  • Responsible
  • Dances
  • Compassionate

I could add a lot more to this list, but I think this covers most of it. Anything else would just be overly picky or icing on the cake. I’ve heard different points of view about making lists of the character traits of someone you’d like to attract. That’s not my purpose here. I’m simply answering a question and maybe, just a little, giving myself permission to find someone with a few of these traits attractive, if only on a visceral level. Whether or not I’d act on my own feelings of attraction would depend on whether I manage to overcome those fears and manage to keep the attraction at level where there are no expectations other than a new friend/acquaintance and someone I might dance with now and again.

I’ve learned that sometimes, putting my fears down in black and white somehow takes some of the power out of them. Looking at them as the formless, insubstantial beings they are makes me realize they are no more than a figment of my imagination anyway; even those I’ve experienced at some distant point in my life. I just have to keep reminding myself: that was then, this is now. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. I’ve grown, I’ve developed, I’ve made changes and I’ve done a whole lot of soul searching. With other people, I give credit where credit is due. But with myself, I have a bad habit of minimizing my accomplishments. I think the cold, hard truth is that we have to learn to love ourselves but we also have to learn to treat ourselves like our own best friend.

What Fears Are Holding You Back?

We all have them. A part of our life where we aren’t giving ourselves the chance to be everything we could be. A place where we’re allowing misplaced fears to call the shots. Sometimes, it’s cathartic to share them with others, so feel free to do so in the comments. When all is said and done, we’re in this together; we’re all a part of the same whole.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends who expect me to be honest with them and myself.
2. I am grateful for the challenges in my life and the fears I’ve already let go.
3. I am grateful for the gift of writing which has, so many times, allowed me to work through a problem, a fear, a trauma…and come out whole and stronger on the other side.
4. I am grateful for perseverance. Each day, I get more and more accomplished and each day, I feel that much better about myself.
5. I am grateful for abundance: friendship, lessons, challenges, productivity, intelligence, imagination, love, joy, harmony, peace, health, philanthropy and prosperity.

Blessed Be

I invite you to visit my Facebook pages at and . Please also drop by my website, and check out my Hire Me Page. I’ve created these pages as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” them or leave a comment! Thank you!

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