Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world my beautiful, vulnerable self!

Archive for the ‘adventures’ Category

February 20, 2015 The good, the bad and the ugly

Delayed reaction to my own unkindness

Tonight as I sat here working on the Holly Lisle writing course I began this week I was reading about how feeling can be a hindrance as much as it is a help to a writer, when my mind started to wander. Where it wandered now makes me cringe as in all of my efforts to be kinder, I failed myself last night. I can justify my behavior until the cows come home, but when the dust clears, I still failed myself and treated someone unkindly. My reasons might have seemed justified at the time, but there are many other ways I could have handled the situation rather than rude behavior and trash mouthing the woman. Some of my reasons certainly had to do with the way I’d been treated, but most had to do with the treatment of others.

What I realized as I tried to focus on the words in front of me was that I am not responsible for the feelings of my friends. I can care about them and be there to listen if they need someone to talk to while they work through their pain, but I can’t fix anything for them, and being rude to someone on their behalf, or in my twisted belief that it’s on their behalf is, to put it simply, stupid. It only makes me the small, nasty person.

More and more, my lessons smack me right between the eyes

I am in a bit of a quandary as to how to calmly explain to this person that I am really not interested in friendship, but my reasons would be filled with my own perceptions, which she is certain to attempt to refute. She is also an expert at playing the victim (another part of my reading tonight) and I have a knee-jerk reaction to victims which, again, is anything but kind.

So I’m doing what I often do when faced with a problem I can’t find the solution to: I’m writing about it. Granted, in the past, my mental gymnastics occurred in the privacy of a Word document stored on my personal computer, but I’ve learned that quite often, something which challenges me has challenged others as well, and though they might not have a solution for me, simply sharing my humanness shows others that maybe it is OK to be human and make mistakes and do unkind things now and then. Maybe it’s OK to not be perfect and to fret over things we can’t really change, or that are truly somebody else’s problem instead of ours. And above all, it is OK to care about our friends and take issue when we believe they’ve been treated badly. Even if it turns out that we’re completely wrong in how we see a situation, it’s simply part of being human and learning as we go.

My Lamaze teacher told us “Baby’s don’t come with a manual. You just have to learn as you go.” I think this applies to life in general. Our parents and our teachers try to give us some tools to help us along the way, but in most cases, it is up to us to exercise the trial and error method until we find what not only works, but what feels right to us.

Not everyone will set themselves a goal to be kinder, and it is not necessary for everyone to do so. Someone who is here to experience life as a murderer or a pedophile isn’t likely to count kindness as a necessary attribute.

I know I may lose a few people here so let me just qualify this by saying that everything I write in my blog is from my own belief system. I am not trying to convince anyone that my way is the right way, much less the only way. It is simply the one which works for me.

Our goals and aspirations change throughout our lives (or I hope they do!). I know that I could have cared less about kindness as I was trying to make my way up the corporate ladder, back when I actually believed that it mattered and that it was what I truly wanted. If you are lucky enough to have an epiphany at some point in your life, though, you can expect your goals and aspirations to change, at least somewhat, because that epiphany is going to change how you look at things forever more. Mine in particular made me take a good hard look at my career and ask myself “Why am I really doing this? Is it fulfilling in any real way? Is it feeding my soul?”

When the only answer I could come up with was ‘Well, it pays the bills and allows me to have more stuff’, I knew it was time for a radical change. Admittedly, I was fortunate enough to have some resources to carry me through for awhile, but there’s nothing like a dwindling bank account to make you think and rethink a radical life change.

But I leapt in with both feet and a heart filled with Faith in a positive outcome, and though I’ve had a million second thoughts, I have not yet looked back and asked “What was I thinking? Why did I do something so stupid and reckless?”

What I have said on many occasions is “I’m so glad I had the guts and the resources to make a dramatic change in my life and follow my passion. Life may not be perfect but I am so much happier with myself and everything in my life right now, that if I were to have the chance to go back, I’d make the same choice again.”

Each lifetime is a work in progress

I look at each day as an opportunity to do better, accomplish more, be a little kinder and add another goal to my list. I don’t expect to get it all right the first time, but it’s not really about the destination anyway. It’s about the people we meet and the mistakes we make and the lessons we learn and the adventures we take which really makes it all worthwhile. The fact is, before I dove off the deep end, my life was dull and bland. I took no risks and followed the same old pattern week after week. Now, every day is an adventure, and a clean slate upon which I can write, both literally and figuratively.

Adventures are amazing. I recommend them highly. Don’t wait until you’re too old and tired to test your own limits!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the mistakes I make. Without them, I would never learn anything.
2. I am grateful for adventures with no guarantees. It is me who makes them succeed or fail, and if I do fail, I do so gloriously and dramatically.
3. I am grateful for chocolate. Sometimes, it just makes things all better.
4. I am grateful for my weird schedule. I am not a morning person so I do all of my fiddling and fussing during the day to leave my nights clear to write and study.
5. I am grateful for abundance: mistakes, lessons, differences, successes, failures, adventures, inspiration, crazy dreams, friends, kindness, love, joy, happiness, health, peace, harmony and prosperity.

Blessed Be

October 4, 2014 Shifting Energies #shericonaway #blogboost

The spiritual side of me takes in a lot of information.

I tend to seek insight and guidance from many sources: some are from within; my own guides, Higher Self, etc. Some are from without: sites like Power Path and Elizabeth Peru’s Deltawaves. I take all of the information I receive each day, weigh it, feel it, see how it resonates. Through it all, I maintain a healthy dose of skepticism, just to keep myself from flying off in one direction or another because one of my sources was especially adamant about something.

Tonight, despite my skepticism, the discussions about how Earth’s relationship to Mercury, the planet of communication, would be affected for the next few weeks gave me a rather intense confirmation. For about the first hour, my dance friends and I were a very high energy group. There was a lot of chatting and laughing, dancing with gusto and dashing back and forth between conversations. But suddenly, it was as if someone just pulled a plug and everyone’s energy just swirled down a cosmic drain. At first, I thought it was just me, but as I looked around, my friends were moving more slowly and without their usual vivacity. When I mentioned it, my suspicions were confirmed. Now, according to various sites, this particular Mercury retrograde is about slowing down, looking back, clearing out old stuff and finishing things we were working on in mid-September.

As I understand it, the hours surrounding the juxtapositional shift between Earth and Mercury can be either energy chargers or energy vampires. Clearly, at least where I am, the vampires were flying.

According to Elizabeth Peru: “This weekend will start out with a bang. Many people feel over tired or come down with sore bodies and headaches or migraines. Why? There is so much electrical charge in our atmosphere that the brain may overload and need a break. Drink lots of filtered water to stay hydrated and alert.” She goes on to say that we need to look back at what our major themes were on or around September 14th, as that is what we will be revisiting.

If I were a normal person, I would just shake my head and say “As if I can remember what I was doing or thinking two weeks ago? I’m lucky to remember what I was doing two days ago!”

But as you may have noticed, I’m anything but normal, and have chronicled my comings and goings with more and more consistency over the past few years. It was a simple matter to go back to my blog post for September 14th where I found:


My goal for the next few weeks is to get some of the longer term tasks off of my to-do list and to revise the format a bit so that I can generate graphical data from the weekly progress. If I were writing a spell to ensure success, I would, at this point add: “As I will, so mote it be.”

In fact, let me take a stab at it!
Completion of the tasks at hand
Be they exciting or rather bland
Motivation is what I seek
Triggered by the words I speak
To trim my list by one, two or three
As I will, so mote it be!

Inspiration is definitely flowing more freely this week, and tasks I’ve left hanging are seeming less daunting now. I’m getting encouragement from many directions, and stepping out into opportunities which have recently begun appearing (or more likely, I’ve finally just opened my eyes to see what was already there, awaiting my notice). So many things swirling in this vortex of my life, that make it impossible to avoid feeling and joining the pace as it speeds up once again. It’s been awhile since my life was a wild roller coaster ride, and it feels as if that wheel is about to turn and the wonder and excitement is being turned up a few notches. Stay tuned as the ride will be interesting, exciting and sometimes frustrating, but never, ever boring!

At this point, there should be haunting music playing in the background or maybe just a flashing lightbulb signaling yet another “Aha Moment”. Either way, I clearly turned a page on the exact day Ms. Peru states that we will be going back to our choices and decisions of that day as we progress through this Mercury Retrograde.

My internal skeptic would say: “Maybe there’s something to it, and then again, maybe there’s not. Who am I to say for sure? You’ll just have to do what you always do: take it one day at a time and see how it all shakes out!” Either way, I am branching out and looking for new avenues with which to make my book progress. I am getting ready to develop a new plot and set of characters come November 1st. And I am knocking some of the bigger projects off of my To Do list. (and yes, I did move it to Excel so that I can start creating graphs and tables of my progress!) The baby steps are certainly starting to join together into more substantial steps. The question remains, where will they be taking me?

Of one thing you can be certain: you’ll know very soon after I do!

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for “aha moments”.
2. I am grateful for evenings out with friends, even if the energy shifts downward halfway through.
3. I am grateful for a shift back to my healthier habits.
4. I am grateful that I’ve been getting out into the world a lot more lately, in spite of my Hermit tendencies.
5. I am grateful for abundance: energy, excitement, new beginnings, completion of old tasks, love, joy, harmony, peace, health and prosperity.

Namaste

Check out my Author’s page at https://www.facebook.com/SheriLevensteinConawayAuthor?ref=aymt_homepage_panel  Feel free to like and follow the page as, slowly but surely, I’ll be adding more content, including information about the books I’m working on!

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