Using my gift to find my truth
For the last couple of days, I’ve been inclined to do a lot of writing. Not the kind which could eventually be a book or an article; something marketable, but the clear my head, dump my brain kind of writing. At times, I’ve used the old fashioned pen-and-notebook (like while waiting for a chance to dance at my usual club) while others find me sitting at the computer, rattling the keyboard at my moderate 130 words per minute. Either way, one thing has become abundantly clear.
I’m living a lie, or really, a whole passel of ’em!
The biggest lie of all, though, is a real doozy. I’ve been telling myself I’m perfectly fine without a community other than my four-footed, swishy-tailed ones. Now, before you get those protests wound up, hear me out.
I realized today that though I do have communities, they’re location- or situation-based. My dance community depends on me showing up at one of the dance clubs or at the occasional party (like Super Bowl). My writer’s community depends on me showing up at the meetings and writing events.
What I don’t have is a community which allows me to call, text or send smoke signals saying “Hey, let’s grab a cup of coffee and chat” or “are you free for lunch?” or even “do you want to catch a movie?” I rarely have people in my home or visit them in theirs, and usually, it’s for a specific reason. Heck, I’m not even someone’s shoulder to lean on when life is overwhelming them.
People Really do Need People
And it’s all because I believed my own lie. Unfortunately, I’ve believed it for so long that here I am, with 60 in my rear view mirror and still, for all intents and purposes, alone in the world. It’s pretty humbling to know that if I were to collapse tomorrow, it could be days before anyone even noticed, other than my absence on nights I’m known to go out. Even my daughter might not worry when she couldn’t reach me for a couple of days as she knows I sometimes forget to take my phone off DND.
Though I might be too late to fix myself, I needed to make a point of letting others know that if you believe you don’t need other people, you’re lying to yourself and it’s a dangerous lie to live. No matter how empathic or highly sensitive you might be, you can still make some close friends or be part of a community which cares for and nurtures its members.
Accept your loneliness. Own it. Vow to do something about it, and then do it. Being alone violates the laws of human nature on a huge scale.
Appearances Can be Deceiving
I have some wonderful friends who will, no doubt read this and disagree vehemently. They are there for me, but there are limitations. It might be time or geography, but either way, I only get to see or talk to them after doing some fancy footwork around their schedules. Don’t get me wrong. I love and appreciate that they do make that time. But in the general scheme of things, it’s a band-aid, not a cure. They’ll likely point out the obvious: that I chose this life, and profess to be happy with my choices.
Admittedly, I am ecstatic about not having to deal with office politics or the games and hidden agendas of people in the work place. I am thrilled to be out of the 9-5 rat race who spend hours on just commuting. And I derive bucket loads of relief from not having to slave away at work I hate to pad someone else’s retirement. But all of that is the opposite extreme. Where’s the happy medium?
There have been some excellent studies proving that people who live in close communities live longer and are healthier. Viewed from the outside, my life might disprove some of those theories. But trust me, viewed from the inside, I’m more than a little concerned.
Worst Case Scenario
As a writer, my mind tends to start going off on weird tangents, and this time is no different. I’m thinking about things like keeping the cat’s feeder and water dish full so they won’t be tempted to gnaw on my cold body if pickin’s get slim. I’m making a mental note to keep their sand boxes scooped several times a day in the event of my sudden demise, that they not be tempted to do their business in inappropriate places. Gruesome, perhaps, but I’ve heard tales of what happens when starvation becomes a real possibility. Animals, whether human or otherwise have a survival instinct, and they’ll do whatever is necessary to satisfy it.
I’d hoped that getting all of this down in a post would somehow assuage my fears or give me an action plan, but instead, I’m feeling even more disturbed. I know I really need to find a way to reach out to people and form stronger bonds than those of location and situation. As such, I’ll be looking for opportunities to be of service to others as I know that the surest way to receive is to give of yourself first.
Gifts and Gratitude
My first gift is to you, my readers. Think carefully about the lies you’ve been telling yourselves. Take them apart and look at them from every angle. Dump the ones which are clearly just coping mechanisms. Learn to cope in a healthier fashion, with people instead of without them. Please don’t wait until you’re older and still alone and lost. Don’t wait until you no longer know how to reach out and connect.
My gratitudes today are:
- I’m grateful for my writing which leads to introspection and brutal honesty.
- I’m grateful for the friendships I do have. Without those, I can’t even imagine how lost I’d be.
- I’m grateful for inspiration and motivation to just pick up a pen or sit at the keyboard and spill my guts. It has led to some incredible revelations.
- I’m grateful for my cats who, though they lack the human connection, keep me company, keep me sane, and these days, keep me warm as well.
- I’m grateful for abundance; friendship, love, caring, compassion, honesty, inspiration, motivation, fear, hope, peace, philanthropy, and prosperity.
I invite you to visit my Facebook pages, Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author and HLWT Accounting. Please also drop by my website, www.shericonaway.com and check out my Hire Me Page. I’ve created these pages as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” them or leave a comment! Thank you!