Acknowledging: The First Step in Releasing
Tonight I’m feeling despondent, which is strange since I just got home from dancing.
One of the programs I’m following teaches us to acknowledge our feelings, and that they’re neither good nor bad. They’re just feelings. We’re supposed to take a step back and look at them without judgement or blame, but simply acknowledge their existence and, like a researcher, gather data on them.
So I’m looking at my despondency, but I’m trying to find a reason for its existence. Perhaps I ate too little and exercised too much today. Or perhaps I’m more sensitive than usual to being at the club, the sole occupant of a four-top while people I call “friends” are filling the tables around me, some even to overflowing. I sit alone between sets except for the occasional person who stops to chat for a minute or three.
Seeking Explanations Where There May Be None
I’m feeling alone despite the crowd. The rose-colored glasses I once wore which told me these people were my friends instead of just friendly acquaintances have shattered and are of no further use to me.
While everyone else gathers together, making plans for lunches or movies or even vacations together, I’m alone in a crowd. And so, I’m despondent tonight.
By tomorrow, this may all be forgotten as I find myself embroiled in the business of the day and the tasks I’ve set myself. In time, I won’t feel so alone any more because I’ll find a way to rationalize, reason, or even justify my aloneness and how much I appreciate the gift of solitude.
I’ll fix my healthy meals, do my exercises and innercises, cuddle with my cats and write. It won’t be in my face that others have relationships with each other, be they friend, family or something else. Yet, I’ll know that somehow, I’ve missed out. I didn’t learn a lesson I was supposed to learn and it’s left a gaping hole in my life.
But my despondency isn’t just about being alone. As I listened to an acquaintance talk about her new job, I seriously considered looking for something at least part time. I even, for a moment, indulged in some blame. After 2 1/2 years, I should have published something and earned money from it. I should have built up something of a business so I had some kind of income. I should have finished at least one of the books I’m in the middle of writing.
Trying to Avoid Rash Decisions
And yet, a small, almost imperceptible voice whispers desperately Don’t give up yet. You’re closer than you think. Things aren’t as bad as they seem right now. I’m tempted to ignore it, but willing to at least sleep on it. Tomorrow is Friday so at least give it the weekend before doing anything drastic. I have gotten more efficient and motivated lately. I’m writing more. I’m completing articles more quickly, though I have two on my plate right with a third to come on Sunday. I’ve even edited a few more pages of Sasha’s Journey and am now about 30 pages from printing out the whole thing and dissecting it.
But what if I never get it done? Or what if I start reading it through and decide it’s just crap? Or what if I can’t figure out how to get it published, or marketed? The “what if’s” alone are starting to overwhelm me.
I know things will look better in the morning. They always do. A good night’s sleep and some kitty purrs always make the world look brighter.
So I’ll sleep on it. I’ve acknowledged the feeling. I’ve asked myself what it’s all about. I’ve accepted my despondency without judgement or blame.
I’ll sleep on it and by morning, I’ll be ready to formulate a plan…assuming a plan is even necessary. The feeling might just pass. Until it does, I’ll accept my despondency as there for a reason, even if the reason is not yet known to me. Because, sometimes it’s OK to be despondent.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I’m grateful for my ever-present therapist.
2. I’m grateful for the new things I’ve been learning lately, and the doors they’re opening to even more lessons.
3. I’m grateful for my solitude even though there are times I’d rather be less alone.
4. I am grateful for the weight I’ve released even though I’m the only one who notices. The changes I’ve made have not only allowed me to release nearly 10 pounds, but have cleared up a lot of the pain I was enduring, and increased my energy as well.
5. I am grateful for abundance: feelings, health, kitty love, smiling faces, peace, harmony, philanthropy and prosperity.
I invite you to visit my Facebook pages, Sheri Levenstein-Conaway Author and HLWT Accounting. Please also drop by my website, www.shericonaway.com and check out my Hire Me Page. I’ve created these pages as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” them or leave a comment! Thank you!