Dancing outside my comfort zone

I Feel so Blessed if I Touch But a Single Heart

I try to be as open and honest as possible here when sharing my own hopes, dreams, successes and tragedies. I know that though my experiences may be unique to me in how all of the pieces come together, the basic framework; the components which join together to create my personal mosaic are shared by many. They may put the pieces together in different patterns, add a few I missed, delete a few which don’t fit the picture they’re portraying. But in the end, we share a common bond.

Especially in tragedy or in the things over which we struggle, it is somehow comforting to know we aren’t alone and that there is someone out there who understands. For some, even those day to day struggles can become overwhelming, and a tiny glimmer of hope might be enough to open up a window in their dark room.

Sometimes when I share, I strike a note and people say Oh, yeah! I can relate. I’ve been there too. Other times, like with my last post, one of the people who inspire and support me turns around and challenges me.

Getting in Touch with Ourselves

Essentially, I was challenged to investigate my own particular perceptions. I was asked whether I knew when I saw someone that I would be attracted to them, whether or not getting to know them better furthered the attraction or not, didn’t I at least know if I had a smidgen of interest?

Let me preface my answer by saying that I’ve learned to fight back those niggling little attraction gremlins for a couple of reasons. First, the last time I allowed myself to let them have their way, I was in a mucked up emotional place. I was unhappy, angry, negative and a bit self-destructive. Needless to say, I wasn’t attracted to anyone who might actually be good for me. Or if I was, my interest wasn’t returned because they only saw the broken, messy part of me I was showing the world at the time. Second, I have a terrible history of making an ass of myself over someone to whom I was attracted. As a result, I’ve taught myself to discount the feelings and run the other way before I once again embarrass myself.

Being the friend and the strong honest woman she is, I wasn’t allowed to prevaricate. With each lame answer I gave, another question, another challenge came. So this post is for Lorna who has, on more than one occasion, forced me to take a good, hard look at who I am, what I’m doing and what I truly want. I am so grateful for her tenacity even when she makes me look at a part of myself that isn’t very pretty. She is truly in my life for a reason because, left to my own devices, I’d probably just allow those hard truths to molder inside me, tainting everything good I’ve managed to accomplish.

Her first comment about my post was:

So this made for interesting reading but was safe and “over there”. My question is do either of the last two men interest you personally?

I’m not going to include the entire conversation here, but you’re welcome to follow it on my Author page on Facebook (referenced below) if you’re interested in all the gory details. Suffice it to say, I sidestepped her question a couple of times, but like a bulldog, she wasn’t about to allow me to get off that easily. I admit, I never completely answered her question, nor her later remark: I bet you know what you like.

Knowing When it’s Time to Face Our Fears

I know a lot of my lack of response has to do with fear: fear of making the same mistakes, fear of rejection, fear of making a fool of myself…and the list goes on. But as was pointed out by another friend recently, we cannot let fear control us or keep us from doing the things we want to do like completing projects or developing deep, enduring friendships.

In order to face those fears, I’m going to answer her question here. Without further ado, here are the things I like and which would lead me to feel attracted to someone. This applies to both men and women as they are things I find attractive in my friends. I also believe that to have a strong, healthy relationship of the romantic kind, friendship is essential, and must be there before anything else can develop.

  • Sense of Humor
  • Wit
  • Positive attitude
  • Comfortable in their own skin
  • Humble
  • Intelligent
  • Supportive
  • Strong-willed but not dictatorial. Someone who has an opinion and won’t let go of it just to please someone else.
  • Young at heart
  • Responsible
  • Dances
  • Compassionate

I could add a lot more to this list, but I think this covers most of it. Anything else would just be overly picky or icing on the cake. I’ve heard different points of view about making lists of the character traits of someone you’d like to attract. That’s not my purpose here. I’m simply answering a question and maybe, just a little, giving myself permission to find someone with a few of these traits attractive, if only on a visceral level. Whether or not I’d act on my own feelings of attraction would depend on whether I manage to overcome those fears and manage to keep the attraction at level where there are no expectations other than a new friend/acquaintance and someone I might dance with now and again.

I’ve learned that sometimes, putting my fears down in black and white somehow takes some of the power out of them. Looking at them as the formless, insubstantial beings they are makes me realize they are no more than a figment of my imagination anyway; even those I’ve experienced at some distant point in my life. I just have to keep reminding myself: that was then, this is now. I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. I’ve grown, I’ve developed, I’ve made changes and I’ve done a whole lot of soul searching. With other people, I give credit where credit is due. But with myself, I have a bad habit of minimizing my accomplishments. I think the cold, hard truth is that we have to learn to love ourselves but we also have to learn to treat ourselves like our own best friend.

What Fears Are Holding You Back?

We all have them. A part of our life where we aren’t giving ourselves the chance to be everything we could be. A place where we’re allowing misplaced fears to call the shots. Sometimes, it’s cathartic to share them with others, so feel free to do so in the comments. When all is said and done, we’re in this together; we’re all a part of the same whole.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for friends who expect me to be honest with them and myself.
2. I am grateful for the challenges in my life and the fears I’ve already let go.
3. I am grateful for the gift of writing which has, so many times, allowed me to work through a problem, a fear, a trauma…and come out whole and stronger on the other side.
4. I am grateful for perseverance. Each day, I get more and more accomplished and each day, I feel that much better about myself.
5. I am grateful for abundance: friendship, lessons, challenges, productivity, intelligence, imagination, love, joy, harmony, peace, health, philanthropy and prosperity.

Blessed Be

I invite you to visit my Facebook pages at https://www.facebook.com/SheriLevensteinConawayAuthor?ref=aymt_homepage_panel and https://www.facebook.com/HLWTAccounting . Please also drop by my website, http://www.shericonaway.com and check out my Hire Me Page. I’ve created these pages as a means of positive affirmation and would be very grateful if you’d “like” them or leave a comment! Thank you!

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Comments on: "Why I Write: Version 957 (or something like that)" (6)

  1. Life’s tough, I know I’m feeling it. What I want is freedom, ease with stability and peace in all areas of my life material, relationship and spiritually–and what I know is I know nothing and this is a life long pursuit.

    I know when I find answers I find 50 more questions that need answering. Change is linear and always moving–an unstoppable force to the living, which means we gotta deal with it when it happens as it happens, at the worst times, usually when we are unprepared and not ready.

    Oh yeah, and figure out how to overcome our bad decisions of the past–that make the mess worse.

    In past I would have said I was adaptable and flexible I’m still flexible, but a little less adaptable in the moment or spur of moment. I use to embrace change, welcome it. Now I’m a bit afraid of it and its unstoppable motion, especially when the control you unconsciously always knew you had disappears, and you realize that even that little bit of safety and reliability is not yours to control nor ever had been, it was illusion–you’ve just been lucky so far.

    I’ve been lost lately, a ship adrift in life while the rest of the world sails around me. I use to be so calm, easy going, happy and positive in most things. I struggle now, not that I did not struggle at times in past, but really struggle now compared to then. I thought I had come so far, achieve much, learned much and grown, to have it all fall down around me and need to grow more, in fact start from scratch after all this time.

    I am also learning that a lot of things I thought I really wanted, was convinced soul deep I wanted, are not really what I wanted they were symptoms of something deeper, Freedom, ease with stability and peace, With those things all the rest of wants and needs will manifest, but how to get to that? I think I’m there and then wham, here I go again like the song,

    The positive in this is normally when you fix one thing several more fall into place too, because that is how life works, lol. Ok, gotta get to fixing that one thing and deciding which one thing is the key to roll the domino effect,

    I believe in the laws of attraction, that positive attracts positive and vise versa–I believe in energy we send into the world and karma. I also always say God willing…

    Life is motion and if you ride the motion or wait long enough change comes, you just have to watch and stay alert to the “right” opportunity to grab and change your stars,

    Here is to changing our stars…

    Juneta Writer’s Gambit

    1. I am grateful that I have a place to live that I can enjoy,
    2. I am grateful for caring and supportive friends.
    3. I am grateful for the wonderful opportunities that the universe sends me.
    4. I am grateful that I can still search for hope, because hope is life and living,
    5. I am grateful the abundance in my life, even when I cannot recognize it,

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    • Oh, Juneta. My heart ached for you when I read the first half of that. The Universe certainly sent you a bucketful of challenges right now and the biggest one is almost Job-like in that it seems to challenge your positivity. Your gratitudes are wonderful in the face of it all. If nothing else, you have lots of life-lessons to pour into your books. Small comfort, maybe, but every experience we live makes our writing better. The rough ones, probably moreso. As a friend of mine says a lot, KIMF (Keep it moving forward). You’ve got this!

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      • I have not learned to write through it, That is what I need to do, I can blog, but writing my fiction from heart is HUGE struggle, since I operate in a emotional status–it is how I perceive, interpret the world through emotion, so have not master writing through them yet. I’m still an apprentice, sometimes an intermediate, lol..

        I figure I have blocks I have not yet figure out or worked out or figure a way through that will be key in growth leap and positive change, Just have to hang in and persist.

        My gratitude are based on my life long belief that God will see me through this too, as he has seen me through everything else and there has been a lot of else in the past, I don’t have to feel it, but just know it, cause sometimes the two do not ride in the same car, lol,

        Like

        • Have you tried brain dumps? I find that sitting down and typing whatever comes into my head sometimes clears the blocks and provides insight. I know that many times, my blocks are just a fear I need to acknowledge and release. I wonder if any writer ever feels they’re more than an apprentice?

          Like

        • I have in past, but sometimes I just get on a negative rant and I find that does not help me—but sometimes it does. I think probably writers have moments they feel they are more and then flip right back to apprentice feeling, whether its true or not, lol.

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        • I guess I find that those negative rants are healthy, at least for me. They get the toxicity out in the open and if I re-read what I wrote, I will find at least one thing that’s ridiculous enough to laugh at myself over, then the moment passes. But we are all different so all I can do is keep holding good thoughts for you. Yet, I feel confident you have everything you need to find your way out of this latest rat’s nest of challenges.
          Re Writers: I think you’re right. 🙂

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