Tonight was Thursday night, so I went dancing, as usual.
But the night was anything but usual.
In the first place, I found myself getting uncharacteristically weepy like so many people have mentioned doing over the last week or so. Added to the weepiness was a feeling of disconnection combined with the distractedness I’ve been feeling for the last week or so, myself.
Today, the movers came and packed up my kids’ apartment to take it to their new home, down south. And tonight, as I was getting ready to leave to go dancing, they were loading all of their critters in their cars along with a few things they didn’t want the movers to take, and heading for their new home.
I’m really happy for them as they begin this new phase in their life together, and thrilled that when they went down last weekend to sign the lease and pick up their keys, they made some new friends already.
But I realized tonight that I’m sad for me. Not that it isn’t a new life phase for me as well, but I realized tonight that I don’t think I have ever been quite so alone.
I am, by nature, a hermit, and working from home these last few months has not improved that aspect of myself. I leave the house to go dancing, go to the gym, get my nails done, have my monthly massage and run errands. I tend to combine two or three of those so that I have days when I don’t leave the house at all.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m never completely alone as I share my home with several cats. But what I lack is close friendships with other humans.
There were so many years when I had to pay attention to putting one foot in front of the other and keeping things together, so I didn’t establish friendships. Once I had more time for myself, Heather was usually there so I didn’t make a lot of effort. Sharing my soft, mushy center has never come easy anyway.
Tonight, I found myself thinking a bit longingly of the days when I was just “one of the guys”, hanging out with my guy friends and being easy and safe. While other girls were learning how to have and be girl friends, I was climbing around car engines or hanging out, talking about things that didn’t much interest teenage girls. Or I was in the tech theater department building sets.
A friend pointed out tonight that I have all of my dance friends. But I don’t have anyone close. I don’t have anyone I can call just to yak or to go see a movie or meet for lunch. I never made the time to learn how to make friends like that.
Clearly, that’s one of the things I need to learn now. And I’m incredibly grateful that, as much like me as my daughter is, she does know how to make friends, and has some close girl friends. It’s my turn to take a page out of her book now.
As I embark upon this new, and very unfamiliar path, I am also feeling like I’ve lost sight of my purpose, my true path. I thought I knew what I wanted and where I needed to go. I certainly needed to get out of the rut I was in, so no matter what happens now, the steps I’ve taken so far were necessary, important and beneficial (if a little drastic).
The next weeks may still see little other than more physical decluttering occurring, but there will also be a lot of soul searching as I try to find my way back to the path I will be traveling…whatever that path might turn out to be.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for new opportunities to learn.
2. I am grateful that my daughter has developed qualities which will keep her from finding herself where I am now.
3. I am grateful that I can see where I need to make improvements and changes, even if the “hows” are not apparent right now.
4. I am grateful for my dance friends who understood and did their best to distract me tonight, while letting me know that they got what I was feeling too.
5. I am grateful for the things I do which get me out of the house and amongst people on a regular basis.
Love and light.