Dancing outside my comfort zone

Today, I experienced something very unusual, and, to some degree, quite disturbing.

The long and the short of it is that I had my monthly massage, and for the first time ever, came away feeling far less relaxed and at peace than I had felt going in.

But let me digress.  Arriving at the studio, I noticed that my massage therapist’s car wasn’t in the driveway.  As the reminder on my phone the day before had come as a bit of a surprise for a change (also an anomaly as I typically look forward to my massage for a week or more beforehand)  Entering the small patio outside of her studio, I sat down and sent her a text asking if I’d gotten my signals crossed.  For some reason (and I feel certain there really is a purpose to it which, at some point, will become clear), she was the one who had mixed up the times.  She offered me the opportunity to wait in her studio and make use of her library.  I accepted the offer and found a good, though rather outdated book on spiritual practices.  While reading, I followed a couple of meditations it contained, bringing more light into myself and sending some to people with whom I am in conflict.  I also sent light to a couple of people I know who are experiencing some emotional pain right now.

When she arrived, we talked for a bit as was our practice.  She determined that my meridians were out of alignment and, in fact, she spent awhile getting them re-aligned as several were catywompus. 

The meditations I had done were intended to connect me to my higher self, and, in the process, with my energy body.  During the massage, I stayed connected for a little while, but found it more and more difficult to maintain the connection as sensations (such as ticklishness in my feet) from my body kept interjecting themselves into the meditative state I find during a typical massage.  More and more, the physical overrode the energetic until I was no longer holding the meditative state and my mind began bouncing around like a pogo stick on caffeine. 

As my post from last night shows, I was already rather discombobulated, though, again, the pre-massage meditations really helped.  But somewhere in the midst of an otherwise wonderful massage, my mind broke loose and left me mentally flailing.  I couldn’t settle, I was unsure of what I wanted to do (don’t even ask about what I needed to do!), and finally settled on another meditation.  I began on my bed, surrounded by the cats (though I had to move Scooby, who was none to happy about that!).  Sadly, the body continued to override the mind.  Ultimately, I moved to my usual spot on the sofa and was able to achieve more success. 

It was there I realized that I needed to disconnect from the world for awhile and turned to the three books on Kabbalah I had purchased a few days ago.

One of the books, by a woman with the last name of Prophet (very prophetic, as it turns out), was one I purchased knowing that I wouldn’t like it, but also knowing that, for some reason, I needed to read at least part of it.   I discovered today, why that was.  The book is written from a very feministic, Christian point of view.  She uses “her” for all of the generic human references and speaks in depth about how the Kabbalists believed in what essentially amounts to an underworld and a heaven.  Now, I’m not a very learned Jew, but I do know that there is no heaven or hell in Judaism!

But the point where I finally realized why I’d had to read part of her book came when she was discussing this underworld which came when the sefira representing Justice broke off for a bit because it didn’t like being confined by Love, thus, creating what I understand to be an alter-Tree of Live surrounded by smoke.  In this alter-ego she talks about witchcraft being one of the evils, and I said to myself “now I know why I had to read this one, and read it first.  This is so I know what Kabbalah is NOT!!”

I have now turned to one called “Ecstatic Kabbalah” and feel much better while reading it.  It involves meditations and chants and connecting with one’s higher self, rather than continued preaching about living a life of purity and devotion.  Essentially, you get there anyway, but do so by getting in alignment with your higher self, rather than by being some goody-two-shoes, supplicant to this creature some call “God”.    The other book, “Living Kabbalah” will, I’m sure, simply give me another aspect, and perhaps more theory to flesh out what I learn in “Ecstatic Kabbalah”.

Since I switched books, I’ve felt more settled, less twitchy, and inclined to do what makes me happiest, and that is, to write (lucky you, as I ramble on!).  I do, still, however, believe that the book I put down isn’t so much a bad book (I don’t think there really are any of those!), as one which I needed to read to gain perspective.  I knew going in that I probably would not finish it, and that’s ok.  It served the purpose for which it was intended when I was guided to buy it and to read it first.

At the moment, I’m feeling the month of February’s message, “Release”, in an interesting way.  It’s like when you are unable to relax so you start by tensing all of your muscles, then releasing them one by one.  I’m in that state of tension, though it is an energetic tension which is permeating my physical self.  Reading the first two chapters of “Ecstatic Kabbalah” and doing a chant at the end of the second chapter has released a little of that tension, and led me to put down in words, my experiences so far.    In my opinion, opening my literary floodgates is never a bad thing, and I have not been as prolific as usual in the last couple of weeks.  This, in and of itself, is a form of release for me, and for that, I am very grateful.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for tensions which result in releases.
2. I am grateful for things which teach me what is not, just as much as I am for those which teach me what is.
3. I am grateful for anomalies as they get my attention and let me know there’s work to be done.
4. I am grateful for unexpected circumstances.  Their purpose may not be known to me right away, but in time, I will see how serendipitous they are.
5. I am grateful for the way my world is changing, even when those changes are not entirely comfortable right now.

Love and light.

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