Dancing outside my comfort zone

January 19, 2014 Loneliness

Sitting here, alone in the house with the cats checking in on me every so often, the barrage of posts on Facebook having died down as people end their evening so they can be up early to go to jobs or send their kids off to school, it dawns on me that the dream I had last night triggered something unexpected in me.

I’ve been doing a lot of work on myself these last couple of years, and most especially, the last few months, opening old wounds, healing some, accepting others.  I’ve addressed my struggles with intimacy, on its many levels, but I’ve never admitted to being lonely…until now.

Oh, it isn’t all the time, and it certainly isn’t debilitating, but there are times when it just hits me. 

The dream last night involved a group of us visiting some kind of Irish religious facility to participate in some kind of celebration.  We were met at the door by a woman who a couple of people in our group knew, and who was a member of this organization.  She was, apparently, supposed to serve as our guide as they didn’t like strangers wandering around unescorted. 

Somehow, I got disconnected from the group, and found myself wandering around the building, quietly opening doors until I found the right one.  The woman who was our escort sat with us at one of those round, banquet tables with the white linen cloth and napkins as we waited for some kind of ceremony to begin.  It seemed we were also there to make contact with someone because she suddenly said “He’s already introduced himself.” as a man at another table rose and crossed the room to join us.  I was just taking my seat when he grabbed my hand, sliced my palm with a knife, then sliced his own, putting our hands together to merge the blood that was oozing from our twin wounds.  To my horror, he proclaimed “we are now hand fasted!” 

Pulling my hand out of his, I did something which caused his blood to be burned out of my body, and quickly healed the wound.  Just as the wound was closing, another man burst through the door, very upset because he’d arrived too late to protect me. 

Thanks to my cat, Toby, and his little helper, Snowball, I woke before I learned what the whole thing was about, and why this other man seemed to think he was supposed to protect me.

As is my wont, I believe that this dream has something significant to tell me because I remember it in such detail over 15 hours later.  What that is, I’m not sure, but this feeling of loneliness seems to be tied to the dream, somehow. 

I know this wave of loneliness will pass, and after today’s practice session, believe that, to some degree, it has to do with losses in my past lives as well as the string of poor choices I’ve made in this one which led me to just put aside the idea of having a deep, personal relationship at all, these last 10 years or so. 

But something inside me is opening up and realizing that I’m missing something important.  For the moment, it calls the missing thing “loneliness”, but in time, it may reveal itself to be something quite different. 

Until then, I share this because I know that everyone experiences this feeling in one form or another, at some point in their lives, and, if it is good for nothing else, it reminds me that, in truth, I’m not alone.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for the revelations I received today.
2. I am grateful for the way things start falling into place as I begin to understand why I am the way I am, and what lessons I’m still trying to learn.
3. I am grateful for changing dynamics which cause me to continue to move out of my comfort zone and into new territory.
4. I am grateful for the unconditional love of my cats which gives me a touchstone when I need a solid source of love to draw upon.
5. I am grateful for work which continues to support me while I follow my dream.

Love and light.

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