Dancing outside my comfort zone

…but best of all, getting serious about getting up and moving more!

I started using My Fitness Pal again to track my food intake and exercise, because I remember that when I was using it before, I lost about 30 pounds and kept it off for at least a little while.  There is definitely something to be said for accountability.

Five days ago, I began holding myself accountable, and today, I’m down almost two pounds!  Not only that, the decluttering project I started in December but had put off (though it glared at me daily from my To Do List) finally got done yesterday!  Sure, it took nearly three hours, but oh, the calories I burned, and how much lighter I feel with all of the junk no longer piled up on the shelf under my window!

Sadly, my poor, neglected felines no longer have things to randomly knock to the floor, but they now have a clear, clean place from which to watch the birds frolic in the tree outside the window while I work to earn their daily kibble.

I didn’t get around to finishing this post yesterday, so I’m going to continue with it today.

Interesting how synchronicity slips into our lives.  Today, I was working on my homework, and one of the questions led straight to the post I’d written on intimacy earlier this month.  Clearly, there is a reason I wrote the post, a reason a friend asked me to expand on a previous post, and a reason this issue is coming up for me now.

Part of the homework also involved using meditation to, essentially, poll body parts where we might be experiencing pain, so I focused, while doing homework, on a chronic tension spot in my back, and during my regular meditation, on what at first began as my left knee, but as I followed it further, originated in my left hip.

As I followed the pain backwards in time, I found what had come up to some degree in practice sessions I’d had this month.

When I was young, I had  case of measles which necessitated my staying in bed 100% of the time, even to using a bed pan for my bodily functions.  Ultimately, my mother had to do physical therapy exercises with me as a result of the confinement as I ended up with a hip spasm from lack of movement.  The issue plagued me for many years and caused limitations in my physical movement as a result.

As I meditated on the spot, I re-experienced the sense of humiliation from lack of privacy for my bodily functions, my frustration and not being allowed out of bed for two weeks (as I was, maybe 6 or 7 at the time, this was a misery far and above the misery of being sick!), and finally, the pain of the physical therapy which my mother finally ceased before the recommended time period.  In retrospect, I realized that she chose the lesser of two evils between helping heal me from the hip spasm and causing me pain.

In the meditation, I forgave her for making a choice which resulted in pain which lasted into my 20’s, and thanked her for loving me enough to make a difficult choice.

I’d like to say that the pain in my hip was miraculously gone, but I know it is going to take some work to get through all of the emotions which are associated with this period of time in my life.  The truth is, I’ve brushed the surface and made a good start, but this is only one part of the convoluted feelings I carry towards my childhood in general and my mother in particular.  But recognizing an issue is the first step towards healing it, and in the last couple of weeks, I’ve acknowledged several pieces of my personal pie.

Both by myself and with the help of my teacher and classmates, I feel confident that I will heal this part of my personal past and continue moving closer to my own truth.

My gratitudes today are:
1. I am grateful for the opportunity to sift back through the things which made me who I am, and to take the lessons while leaving the pain behind.
2. I am grateful for insights which come when I least expect them.
3. I am grateful to be learning to be compassionate towards myself because, only when I’ve learned that will I be able to fully extend that compassion to others.
4. I am grateful for the people I am now attracting who bring love, insight and humor into my life.
5. I am grateful for the opening of my heart, despite the fact that it is bringing more than a little trepidation into the mix right now.

Love and light.

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