Dancing outside my comfort zone

January 8, 2014 Serendipty

I was journaling for my ART class this morning and realized that what I was writing should also be a blog post, so here it is!

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As this month has been one of transformation for me, I have
not followed a lot of my normal practices, but have allowed things to evolve as
they would.  
For the first three weeks, I simply allowed myself to enjoy
the holiday preparations.  I did my
shopping, leisurely wrapped packages, did some decluttering, put up the tree
(though it never got decorated), went to the gym when I felt like it, danced a
lot, and did a lot of self-healing. 
As the New Year approached, I honored some work related
commitments and continued to work on my book which passed the 60,000 word mark
by early January.  
During one self-healing session, I was experiencing an upset
stomach which was going to interfere with a movie day with my kids.  I tried a couple of things, but finally just
imagined water flushing whatever toxins were upsetting my stomach away, and
went on to enjoy a fun movie and froyo with the kids.
But I realized that I hadn’t gotten to the root of the
problem, which became especially apparent when I started working on this month’s
homework.  
And here, I will digress a bit.  I’ve discovered that the homework keeps
increasing in intensity and, as a result, I can only manage to work on it for a
couple of hours at a time before I need to take a break.  Although 
I might be tempted to pick it up again, my Higher Self and Guides turn
me away, letting me know that I need to allow what I’ve done to settle before
moving on.
Back to the topic at hand (for my non-ADHD readers who might
find my rapid topic changes slightly unsettling):  While going through the first couple of chapters
and associated questions, it became brutally apparent that the issue I’ve been
struggling with, and which is directly associated with the second chakra which
I’ve been working to clear for the last 6 months or so (rather successfully, I
might add), is intimacy.  
I’ve shown resistance to intimacy in many ways, but am, only
now, becoming aware of the interrelationship between them.  
First, I have a really hard time making close friends, not
because people aren’t out there who would be easy to connect with, but because
I am still shy of letting anyone get too close. 
I have, in the last couple of years, been blessed with many wonderful,
amazing, caring, positively charged women in my life.  Though I have certainly opened myself up to
friendships, I am not yet, for some reason, at a point where I can form the
really close bonds I see they all have with at least one other woman.  
And here, I must digress again, because December saw me
having to end a relationship too.  The
kids and I had made a lot of effort to include her in holidays and such,
despite the fact that it meant a great deal of driving to pick her up, bring
her here, then return her to her home again. 
On Thanksgiving, she was given a time frame for pickup, yet needed to
make numerous phone calls when the earlier time had passed.  Unbeknownst to her, we were wrestling with a
power problem and were not near our phones at the time.  
Upon her arrival where the festivities were well underway,
with everyone cheerfully adjusting to the temporary arrangements we had to make
to get dinner finished, she brought a blast of negative energy in the form of
her obvious annoyance.  She promptly sat
on the couch and expected everyone to serve her instead of getting up and using
her walker to take her the 8 feet or so to the dining room table where the
buffet was set up (I should note that she had no problem taking care of herself
the year before, and frankly, I’d think she’d prefer to do as much as possible
for herself!).  
She expressed annoyance at the silliness which was going on
around her, and when it was time to take her home, complained about it to my
son-in-law the entire way home.  
My kids subsequently expressed a lack of desire to repeat
the process for Christmas (which as it turns out, was a good thing, when my
daughter insisted we all unwrap our first presents from her, and a Nerf gun
fight erupted in my living room!)  Thus,
we gave her no time for pickup and sent her a Christmas gift which began
arriving well before the Day.  
The day before Christmas, she wanted to know when to expect
Mathom, and I let her know we weren’t including her for this one as she was not
comfortable with my adopted grandson.  To
make a long story short (and because I’m tired of the negative energy this
discussion is exuding) she posted some pretty vituperative remarks publicly on
Facebook which resulted in my unfriending her. 
I didn’t realize at the time that she could still private message me
until her anger erupted into my private message box.  At that point, I found that I could also
block her and have done so.  
Although I am saddened to have to take such a strong stand,
I realize that this was a test of my boundaries, and the fact that I needed to
re-establish them with her.  She takes no
responsibility for the fact that she has pushed her son and most of her friends
away (by her own admission, friends used to come help her but rarely do any
more) and now, my kids and I as well, by her constant complaining and
expectations that the world should stop when she’s around and focus on
her.    I wish her the best and hope she
sees what she’s doing before it’s too late. 
My thoughts for her involve a great deal of imaginary, heart-shaped
confetti these days, love and light, and all of the blessings that are hers for
the seeking.  
I don’t know if extending myself to her, only to find that
the ugliness was still within her has been a setback to resolving my own
intimacy issues.  It has certainly
reminded me that those issues are not new to me, and certainly have something
to do with the lack of intimacy in my youth, the subsequent choices I made
which continued to “look for love in all the wrong places” as the song says,
and the closing off I’ve done for the past 15 years or better. 
But whatever is behind it, as this is a year of putting my
comfort zone behind me, I’m looking for ways to continue the process.  I’m reinstating my attendance at the
Wednesday night 2-step classes for starters. 
I’m doing my best to reach out to friends and family in a more loving,
caring way which includes lowering my own walls still further.  And I’m opening myself up to the possibility,
the very real possibility that I could meet someone and actually start dating
again.    I felt a certain lightness
after I typed that, and even heaved a sigh of relief, so I’m sure that by
putting it out there like this, I’ve given the Universe the permission it
needed, let it know that I’m ready to allow a kind of attention I’ve shied away
from for a long time.
And all of this is why I have to take my homework in small
bites.  When I work on homework, or
re-evaluate the personal healing sessions I do, it’s exhausting!  I need time to refresh and regroup before
moving on.
And speaking of healing sessions:  I had my monthly massage with Barb and told
her I’d hit a block on my book.  I told
her what I’ve already mentioned to others about how the latest chapter just
wasn’t coming together.  I felt like I
was missing an important part.  I’m so
glad I did!  During the session, after
she did a chelation and made a beeline for my left hip which had been hurting
(and gave it a really good working out in the process!), I found myself
drifting to the sticky part of the book, and suddenly, I had exactly what I
needed to go on!  At first, I was worried
that I’d forget by the time I got home to write it down, then realized that all
I needed to do was to sit at the computer and allow.  The rest would happen without any effort on
my part, because, in truth, the answer was in my subconscious mind all the
time!!!
After running a number of errands (as I’m now working from
home, I seem to have a preference for bundling things together so I have full
days when I don’t leave the house), I came home and put the words down on
screen while munching on a sandwich and soup I’d picked up at the market.  The relief at putting an end to my writer’s
frustration (this was more than a mere block!) was immense!!
At the risk of writing something so long that nobody will want to take the time to read this, I’ll end it here with my gratitudes and maybe write some more in another post tonight.)
1. I am grateful for lessons.
2. I am grateful for reminders that only I can set and maintain my boundaries.
3. I am grateful for the enlightenment I am receiving through homework and practice sessions.
4. I am grateful for the loving examples I have around me which will enable me to achieve the levels of intimacy I desire.
5. I am grateful for the additional energy I’m experiencing in this new life I’ve given myself.
Love and light (and heart shaped confetti where it’s wanted or needed)
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Comments on: "January 8, 2014 Serendipty" (1)

  1. Sheri Levenstein Conaway said:

    Although I appreciate comments to my posts, please note that this is my blog, and I choose to keep it as friendly and positive as possible. I do, occasionally, go on minor rants, and it is the choice of the reader to read on or stop. I will not tolerate personal attacks on myself or anyone else, thus any such posts have been removed. So, please, play nice, or you will be deleted. Thank you for your cooperation.

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