Several times today, I had some really great thoughts, but when I sat down to start writing, WHAMMO! Nothing! Or more accurately, too much!! My mind was spinning so fast that I couldn’t get a single thought to settle long enough for me to even transfer it from brain to page! I don’t know if this is something unique to me and my ADHD writing style, but it sure was annoying! (and clearly, the only thing that did stand still long enough to catch as, look what I’m writing about tonight!)
I think, now, that what I’ve perceived as a blank brain was really more of a TMI brain in a hyperactive frenzy. That could explain why, when I feel like I have nothing to say, letting go and allowing my subconscious or some random spirit to take control of my fingers seems to be the most effective way to clear my void.
Over the years, I’ve found that the only time I can move somewhat gracefully is when I dance, just as stutterers can be perfectly clear when they sing. Considering all of the symptoms, I think it is all tied to a hyperactive brain (hence, so many years of insomnia until I learned to meditate and write at night before I go to sleep) and can only be quieted by (wait for it! wait for it…) Allowing! That’s right! One of my infamous meditation words and one of the many lessons I’ve learned as I’ve traveled through my thoughts and feelings over my parents’ untimely deaths. Just as I’ve learned to allow myself to receive, I also have to allow myself to stop fighting my thoughts and just ALLOW them to flow through my brain at their own breakneck pace until, like that pesky fly on my computer monitor, they settle and allow me to capture them.
Perhaps they even flit by so quickly because some just aren’t meant to be captured in print at all, but are just the overture, giving me little tastes of what is to come before allowing (there’s that word again!) the real meat to formulate so that it can be shared.
As I bemoan the fact that I can’t seem to get a serious book idea to form, but rather just a mess of random thoughts, ideas, jotted down paragraphs and half-formed plot lines, I think I’m just going about it wrong. If I can learn to sit in front of my computer and wait for the thoughts to form themselves (as I actually do from time to time) I believe that great idea will finally start to take shape! I am beginning to see that trying to force an idea to take shape is not much different than trying to force a baby to be born before she’s ready! You have to wait until development has reached a certain point where the baby can be not only viable but healthy and so it is for a story if it’s going to be worth the effort it takes to write it down and eventually edit it.
So my epiphany today after much fruitless time spent staring at today’s date on my screen is to do more sitting back and allowing the stream to take control of my fingers and do less trying to write something pithy, witty or intelligent. I’ll have plenty of time to edit what comes out later, but the raw stuff needs to be given free reign to materialize on its own. Heaven knows, I’ve been typing long enough without looking at screen or keyboard to be able to let myself go almost trance-like while the muse runs amok.
I rather enjoy it when things run amok anyway, as it is often crazy, frequently interesting and rarely boring. The Mad Hatter has nothing on me! The streak of insanity I inherited from my maternal grandmother’s family is alive and well in me!
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for a muse with a mind of its own.
2. I am grateful for the ability to mentally run amok…and like it!
3. I am grateful for habits which have set in so well that they are basically another kind of muscle memory.
4. I am grateful for a quiet evening at home with cats taking turns occupying my lap. (a whole lot more fun that occupying Wall Street, if you ask me!)
5. I am grateful for beautiful, sunshiney Spring days that make me want to play hooky and head for the beach!
Love and light.