Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world your beautiful self!

As the title says, I suspect this post will ramble around a bit, so hold on tight!

I’ve started having “getting lost” dreams again.  These dreams typically involve me trying to find my way in or out of someplace but I keep making wrong turns or hitting dead ends or just going around in circles.  I do eventually find my way, but it’s a very frustrating experience.  I am not sure yet whether this means that I’m trying to extricate myself from something or if it’s just time for me to move on but I can’t quite figure out how to go about it.  What I do know is that the answer will come to me if I don’t fight it.

I realized today that the cruise is barely two weeks away, and as I’ve gotten a bit chunkier over the last few weeks, I may have to go out and buy another dress for the formal night on the cruise.    I keep trying to get back on track but have not quite gotten myself in gear.  I really need to start doing weight work again as it makes me feel so good, but I come home tired and am not pushing myself as I should.  I have to figure out what was working before and get back to it!  I know that my energy level was much better when I was on track.

What I do know is that I’m very unsettled right now.  My mind wanders constantly, it takes more for me to solve problems, I have trouble even focusing on conversations for more than about 10 seconds, and so I have to force myself to focus on what someone is saying to me.  I’m not even sure if I’m making the appropriate responses right now.  I wonder if anyone even notices that I’m not all there?  We all seem to be rather wrapped up in our own stuff these days.  The exception is the cats who are more than normally attentive lately.  Where I was used to having someone nearby most of the time, either laying nearby or against my leg, now, more often than not, someone has to be in my lap.  Dylan has gone back to walking up my chest to rub his face against mine.  Toby thinks I should do nothing except hold and snuggle him (he’s grabbing my pants leg right now, trying to get me to move my arms so he can get into my lap!), and Munchkin and Loki just have to be close.  They’ve even taken to fighting over who gets the bigger share of my lap!  The only exception was on Christmas when Dylan and Munchkin were giving my sister attention.  But as soon as everyone left, they all acted like they’d been completely neglected for months!

There is definitely a vibration in the air right now because I can feel it on my skin when I sit still for a minute.  The best word I’ve come up with so far for this feeling is “twitchy”.  I just feel like my skin is doing little twitches all over my body, kind of like we do when something is brushing lightly against us.  It reminds me a little of my college days when I’d pull all nighters, studying for finals, and would take Vivarin to stay awake.  It’s a feeling like I want to jump right out of my skin!  The only real question is, why????  There isn’t anything particularly monumental going on in my life right now.  No major changes.  Nothing to make me fret.  Perhaps it’s just anticipation of some kind of change.  Granted, I’ve been feeling that change is coming for quite some time now.  Is this my higher self trying to tell me that that change is closer than I think and that, like it or not, I’m going to have to roll with it pretty soon, and make something wonderful out of whatever I encounter?  Am I destined to be part of something that will be, quite literally, earth shaking? 

What is my part in this play?  Will I have a supporting role, or merely be comic relief?  Will I be directing the show, or just building sets for the other performers to use?  I’ve had thoughts of doing a tarot reading, and maybe that’s what I need to do again.  I have several sets of tarot cards and could probably just lay them all out on a table and blindly pick one.  I say this because, for some reason, I’m getting the feeling that I need to step out of my comfort zone on this one, and that includes the deck I read from.  I’ve gotten very comfortable with the Spiral Deck, so maybe it’s time to use one that makes me somewhat uncomfortable?  I’ll give a couple of them a try in the next few days and report back.

In the meantime, I will wind this up with tonight’s gratitudes:
1. I am grateful that change is coming and that I am being allowed to share and grow in that change,
2.  I am grateful for an abundance of opportunities, love, success and health.
3. I am grateful for the sharing of ideas and support I have been experiencing lately.
4. I am grateful for the extra attention my cats are giving me.
5. I am grateful for cold weather that makes me want to bundle up and snuggle,

Love and light.

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