Tonight I changed up my routine a bit. Instead of coming home and eating dinner in front of the tv, I downloaded a couple of books to my ipad and read instead. The lack of aural stimuli was a welcome change. In fact, after the insights of the last few days, I rather needed time for quiet introspection.
I realized something today. While I’ve been concerned about keeping people at arm’s length because my heart isn’t open enough, I realized that might not be the case at all. I’m simply more selective than most about who I allow past a certain point. It’s not so much an issue of trust, but more a matter of selective sharing. I think that, while it may make it harder to find people to share with, as friends or more, the right ones will get past my reticence and, in fact, over the years some have. Although I watch the ones who travel in packs with a bit of envy, I really am not that person anyway. I need my nights of quiet alone time on a regular basis just as I need my dance nights and my wild and crazy nights. My balance is not the same as another person’s balance and while it can be found in many ways, I don’t have to be part of a group to find it. Yes, I would like to be a little more involved outside of dancing, but I trust it will come at the proper time. I just need to remain open to the possibilities.
Someone commented on “membership” in various cliques at Borderline. Frankly, I don’t really see most of them as cliques, but as groups of people who have shared interests outside of dancing. As I continue to chat with the people around me, those shared interests will surface. But for now, I’m ok as I am, even those times when I feel a bit on the outside or lonely. There is a purpose for wherever I might be, and it’s all part of the path which leads to the next place I will be.
It has been awhile since I’ve meditated on “acceptance” and rarely do I think about accepting myself, but here it is. Right in front of me. An opportunity to accept myself as I am and allow myself to grow into whatever I will be. There are no wrong paths, only lessons. But for those lessons, I’d just be a carbon copy of everyone else.
As I was talking to my daughter while we both drove home, she was complaining about how people were rude and inconsiderate and wouldn’t allow her to change lanes when she signaled her intention to move over. I thought about it and realized that, for the most part, people are very generous to me during my commute. I’ve even had someone change lanes, let me in, then change lanes again and wait for me to merge. That is not to say that I don’t see people who run up on the bumper of the guy in front of them to prevent anyone from getting in front of them, but I accept that some folks are just in more of a hurry than others, and that I can wait for one of the less hurried, less harried people who will allow me the space to move to where I need to be. I think, in her impatience, as with many drivers, she attracts more impatience. In my acceptance and patience, that is what I attract. Once again, I see very clear evidence that the Laws of Attraction work.
As I am falling asleep at the keyboard and this would end up a long and rambling post with no real cohesiveness between topics, I’m going to bring tonight’s post to a close.
My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for opportunities to learn new lessons.
2. I am grateful for the ability to accept myself as I am now, and as I will be further down the line.
3. I am grateful for quiet nights alone with the kitties.
4. I am grateful for the occasional early night to rejuvenate and restore.
5. I am grateful for kindness: in myself and in others.
Love and light.