Dancing outside my comfort zone

Here I sit, in front of the computer, enjoying Black Friday from the comfort of my own home with the smell of turkey soup permeating the house.  By the end of the day, I’ll have an enormous pot of turkey, vegetable, wild rice soup which I plan to enjoy with a glass or two of the wine we never opened yesterday.  I have found that, despite the somewhat fattening array of foods we present on Thanksgiving, the part I appreciate more is the healthy fare I create from the leftovers.  Whether it’s my famous pot of soup or a turkey omelet, it is very possible to get great, healthy meals out of the leftovers.  As I make my own cranberry sauce, I use less sugar and add things like tangerines and cinnamon to the mix.  It’s still somewhat fattening, but far less than what I would get at the store!

Despite all of the help from the kids, my back told me last night that I had still overdone it a bit, but it was nothing a night in my very comfortable bed, surrounded by my furry kids couldn’t make right.  I’m being more careful today, however, and taking breaks after standing for an hour or so in the kitchen.  And I’ll probably prevail upon my son-in-law to lift the pan out of the dutch oven that we left to soak last night.

I was really surprised that the cats were no trouble at all yesterday.  Dylan came out and visited for a bit, but as he hates anything except his dry food and some fruit, he was not an issue when it came to keeping him out of the food.  The rest were happy just to lounge on my bed all day with occasional visits from one human or another.  They’re also quite pleased that after my cleaning frenzy on Wednesday, I moved one of their trees away from the wall and in front of the window.  Now they have another vantage point for watching the world go by.  I even opened the blinds today so they could see the neighbors better!

And it is a beautiful day in the neighborhood!  My sinuses told me long before my ears did that the wind was back, but it’s blown away the clouds without bringing a lot of heat.  It has me opening windows and letting the fresh air in, much to the delight of the furballs who love sitting in front of an open window, letting the wind blow through their fur.  I may well make good on my promise to go sit on the newly cleaned off patio furniture (thanks to the afore-mentioned son-in-law) and just waste away the day as the song goes.

As I sit here watching ” Pretty Woman”  for the umpteenth time a conversation from last night pops back into my mind and leaves me feeling a little sad. The conversation was instigated by a preview for a movie about two kids whose parents started dating. The question was posed about whether any of us would find it weird to be dating the parent of our kid’s boy/girlfriend.  I immediately answered that I’d find it weird to be dating my daughter’s boyfriend’s father. My daughter’s response was that she could never even see me dating again. That is what made me sad. That my own daughter sees me as a dried up old prune who either wouldn’t ever let a man near or, worse, who couldn’t attract one if she tried. Have I really sent that message out so clearly?  Does everyone I meet see the same thing?  Are my walls really so high that the idea of them coming down or of anyone being brave enough to scale them is inconceivable?

What makes this so hard for me to fathom is that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into lowering those walls and opening my heart to possibilities.  Has it all been for naught?  Am I still the same ice cold, isolated, locked up woman I was?  If so, I’d really like to know what I need to do to flush that image away. That is not the person I want to be any more. The woman I want to be is loving and open and giving and, ultimately, cherished.

It’s very frustrating to discover that for all of your effort at growing and expanding, you really haven’t gone very far at all. Of course, there is another possibility. My daughter has gotten so used to seeing the closed in, self protective me I was while she was growing up that she is unable to see me any differently?

So I have a new focus for the next however long it takes. I will be focusing on being more open and accessible .  I also need to pay closer attention to people who already are so.  It seems I have a great deal yet to learn. 

On another, lighter topic, my annual turkey soup, or should I say, turkey stew, turned out very well, in fact, my daughter commented on how it’s never the same way twice,  but always interesting and yummy.  Son-in-law was practically licking his bowl and promised to bring over a container to relieve me of some of the bounty. 🙂   I realized as I was chopping vegetables that between cooking and cleaning, I’ve spent more time on my feet in the last 3 days than I have for quite awhile.  The funny thing is, it isn’t my knees which are hurting from all of the abuse, but my back and calves.  I definitely need some serious stretching, but the kids haven’t had a chance to help me for the last couple of days.  I will do what I can on my own, but prevail upon them to help me out tomorrow. 

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful that my knees are, once again, becoming accustomed to standing.
2. I am grateful for soup that came out yummy and in quantities vast enough to share.
3. I am grateful for my daughter’s honesty as it helps me see what I might otherwise miss.
4. I am grateful for another opportunity to learn and grow.
5. I am grateful for endless opportunities to turn my otherwise negative thoughts into something more powerful and productive.

Love and light

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Comments on: "November 23, 2012 Black Friday and Soup" (2)

  1. Sheri, I recently discovered that you have a blog :). But reading it today I was very moved about your reaction to your daughter saying she could never see you dating again. I saw that you were so hard on yourself (I can relate to that). I think your second guess was most accurate– that your daughter sees the mother she always knew (do our children really ever know the true us?). I wanted to give you a hug and tell you its going to be okay. I really believe that. Our lives may not be “Hallmark” perfect but they are going to be okay interspersed with moments of awesomeness. We just have to notice because we never know how happy we are until we look back at the moment.

    I didn't know how to post this so I chose Anonymous, lol. ~~Deborah Cicconi

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  2. Thank you so much for your insight, Deb! One of the things I try to do here is to show life as it really is, the up days and the down days, and with the down days, possible solutions to turn them around, but I also encourage dialogue and hope that others, like you, will offer their own insight. As we are all having our “Human Experience” we learn things in different ways, and I believe that part of our learning process is to share what we've learned when the opportunity arises and the window is open (there are always times when someone really doesn't want to hear what we've learned as they need to travel the path themselves). This blog is, in part, me opening that window and in part, sharing what I have learned and am learning. Thank you for contributing to my learning process!

    Sheri

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