Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world your beautiful self!

November 14, 2012 Struggling

I’m really struggling to motivate myself to do a lot of things lately.  Work, cleaning, even fixing my next day’s breakfast and lunch.  I’m so demotivated that when I sit down to write in the evenings, it is not uncommon to find myself with a blank mind and not a coherent thought in sight.  Is this a new challenge in a long list scattered none-too-sparsely along my chosen path?  Am I being forced, like an actor, to study my motivation?  What is there to study when my motivation…isn’t? 

In a search for my passion, I’m left petting the cat and staring off into nothingness.  When I try to let go and locate the dream I should want to follow, they all slip away like smoke in the wind.  The only thing I truly know right now is that I have no idea!  It’s not that my chips are down, so I haven’t hit a true low point.  It’s simply that I suddenly find myself drifting with no direction, nobody steering, and the crew has jumped ship and is laying on the beach sipping fruity drinks with umbrellas in them.  I could look at it as the vacation before the real work begins, and just enjoy the lull, but lack of motivation really isn’t my favorite place to be.  I don’t take vacations well and frankly, I perform best under pressure.  When I’m getting close to the wire, I become a crazy person, rushing around, overdoing it and getting things done.  This time, I’d like to be prepared, but before I can do that, I need to have some clue, some inkling as to what I want to be prepared for! 

I find myself standing at a door, admitting to myself that I really don’t want to walk through it, but my sense of responsibility wins and I do what I’m supposed to.  Maybe that’s the problem.  I want to do something irresponsible and unnecessary right now, but don’t know what that is either.  Meditations lately are restful but not overly informative.  I’m sleeping so well at night that I only remember bits and pieces of dreams, and even those are gone before I know it.  It’s been awhile since anything just resonated and made me sit up and say “wow!”.

That is not to say that I’m miserable, or unhappy, or anywhere close.  I’m enjoying my dancing and chatting with friends, spending time with my daughter and son-in-law and gearing up for the holidays.  But I’m like a balloon that’s only half filled with air.  I kind of bounce around but I don’t fly.  I want something that will make me fly, but have absolutely no idea what that might be.  .

Granted, I am starting to make some more changes in my life, and maybe I’m at that in between, hair is too short to pull back, but too long to hang in my face kind of stage.  I’ve stepped into the doorway but have yet to start exploring the whole house, and, in fact, I’m a bit nervous about what I’ll find, and how it will change me.  I know the changes will be good, but I’m having a tough time letting go of what I know so I am completely free to allow what is to be.  What I lack is Trust. 

On a conscious level, I know that the Universe has my back and the path I’ve chosen is the right one for me right now.  It’s my wimpy little subconscious that is the problem and the darn thing is masking some very important stuff!  I need a feather duster capable of just brushing that subconscious and all of its petty fears out of my way!  To some degree, my subconscious has regressed back to a 5-year-old who is still afraid of the dark and thunder storms. 

So my task for this week is to tell my subconscious to either get on the bullet train or get out of the way because this train stops for nobody, and eats wimps for breakfast!

My gratitudes tonight are:

1. I am grateful for clean laundry.
2. I am grateful for being able to look at a problem and brainstorm solutions.
3. I am grateful for the coming rain.
4. I am grateful for friends who help me pull away from limiting factors.
5. I am grateful for my intelligence.  It may sometimes get me into trouble, but it never gets boring!

Love and light.

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