Rip off the mask, tear down the walls. Show the world your beautiful self!

Today I did something I keep swearing I won’t allow myself to do again!  I allowed two difficult people to make me react.  I keep talking to myself and trying to be calm and listen, but these two people just seem to bring out the worst in me!  I know this is a lesson which keeps repeating because I need to learn from it, but despite my best intentions, I just blow it!  I allow them to frustrate me and exhaust me and drive me to distraction and frankly, neither of them is worth even a single breath of my time!  So why do I keep allowing this to happen?  I’m better than this!  Besides patience, I’m sure there is a lesson I’m supposed to be getting out of this, but I am either oblivious or just plain stupid when it comes to this particular lesson, and that infuriates me even more!!!  Granted, this time, I managed to actually make some valid points, but I still reacted first, and I am really tired of doing that!  But what to do to fix it continues to elude me!  What’s even worse is that I couldn’t even manage to meditate today as is my habit.  I just couldn’t settle, and a mental rant wasn’t enough to relax me into a nice, calming meditation.  I need to find another outlet before I just haul off and bop one of them in the shnoz!!

Thankfully, I came home to a quiet house and snuggly kitties, which calmed me down some, but I am still frustrated with myself and desperately want to do better.  I even try sending love and light to these people, but the trouble is, I can’t manage to do it sincerely so it is, of course, ineffective.  I’ve even tried just keeping my door closed all day, but it’s just not enough to avoid the negative energy, nor to keep me from exuding some of my own which further annoys me.  OK, so I’m allowing myself to get into a downward spiralling cycle, and only I can reverse it.  At the moment, having two days a week of morning Physical Therapy is a huge blessing as I get in a bit later in the day and have that many fewer hours in that environment.  I know I should do something to improve it.  Perhaps I should bring some flowers in tomorrow to cheer up my office? 

I am going to put some serious thought into reversing the pattern of negativity in my office.  I even left the house today thinking that it was going to be a wonderful day.  I guess that kept it from being completely horrible, so starting the day with positive thoughts sure doesn’t hurt.  I just need to find a way to sustain them through any and all kinds of aggravation.

So for tonight, I will forgive myself, yet again, for reacting.  I will endeavor to hold positive thoughts, regardless of the provocation, and I will give my kitties some extra love tonight, just for being there.

My gratitudes tonight are:
1. I am grateful for forgiveness as I find many occasions to forgive myself my transgressions.
2. I am grateful for kitty love that washes away even the worst days.
3. I am grateful for my Physical Therapist who is getting me past the temporary limitations.
4. I am grateful for the ability to write and get negative thoughts out of myself, leaving plenty of room for joy and goodness.
5. I am grateful for the abundance of positive energy being sent to the east coast to help protect people and animals from the worst of the hurricane.

Love and light.

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